Hi Lou lou

I am so sorry you are suffering this - I too had these thoughts and for me they were the thing I could cope with least.


Yes you are right - at least for me these horrible thoughts were the last to go.

I think as little ago as 2002 I could remember that I had had short episodes not so long ago when stressed of these thoughts happening to me and becoming intrusive - thankfully by then not for long and I never get this now.

But yes it is often the last thing to go.

But as to whether you should change medication - well this is really about whether you feel you can get through this without and also whether medication has helped theses thoughts significantly??

Apparently Anti Ds are not thought to help these thoughts that much - some doctors are trying the newer anti-psychotics - don't worry this does not mean you are psychotic, just that these sorts of drugs do sometimes work for these thoughts, but I do not think any doctor knows why, they just try them as they work for some when Anti Ds have not helped alone.

Also if this is your only symptom I would say that counseling would be a better ways forward than medication at this stage- have you had counseling?

But these thoughts are very common

I was talking to someone just to day about them and in the course of a year I must talk to 25 to 50 women who either have them or had them with PNI.

No one can say for certain what causes them - but from my own experience I am convinced in retrospect that for me they were caused not by a desire to kill or harm my daughter ( who as I may have told you is now 16 and is fine)

but an extreme desire to protect her.

The trouble is I saw risk everywhere , so convinced I was that the world was just too risky for my daughter to survive or for me to be up to the overwhelming job of keeping her safe - that I even began to fear that I was a risk to her too.......

But because as well as real extreme love for my daughter - I felt that if anyone threatened her I would die for her.

But paradoxically I also had all the usually feelings of frustration and sometimes yes , anger and resentment, that I believe all parents get form time to time when caring for young babies and children, as lets face it it is frustrating and sometimes really irritating caring for babies especially when you are deprived your sleep etc and you can also resent them at times because of the changes in your life and what you have to experience- especially if you have PNI.

but you would never hurt them.

However when you are feeling that you can not keep your baby safe you also start to wonder if you also can not keep them safe from yourself - well this was my experience anyway.I started to wonder if I would actually lash out when frustrated or annoyed at being woken up or if my baby would not eat etc.

I then started to worry and later obsess that I was so mad with my PNI that I would lose it completely and attack Caja ( I do not know if you have read past posts on the forum but I believe I have talked about theses thoughts many times before)

I then even started to 'fantasize'' or 'play out' scenarios in my head about what it was possible for me to do, from strangling or suffocating her to throwing her into a mine shaft as well as the accidents that could befall her that would be my fault ranging from my accidentally dropping her on her head through to crashing the car and much more in between.


I would even 'play out' in my head being arrested after the event and my husband leaving me all my friends hating me and spending years in jail for harming a defenseless child - yet on another level I knew I would never do it

- but the thought it was all very real to me and I mentioned it today so I still remember it well...

This all sounds so horrific ( and perhaps worrying that I might have done it ) if you are someone who has never been through this.

but while I accept their are women who harm their children the majority do not and I now know I never would have.

Apart from anything else I had every opportunity and for many years as I live on a moor , with my husband at sea most of the time so I spent many hours alone with my daughter, I had every opportunity.

What I am saying is that I think the reason these thoughts are the last to go is that they only seem to go when your desire to protect your child gets less intense or necessary as they grow up

I am sure you know this too that you will not harm your daughter, however self harm is rather more common and I really urge you to get counseling if you do have these thoughts, I doubt you would self harm either if you have never yet ,

I think that also counseling may also help the feelings of harming your child as it is the feelings that go with it that is so hard to cope with i.e the guilt and feeling guilty only makes these feelings more likely.

Btu what women say is that it is the worry about not trusting any counselor to be honest enough about your thoughts that the counseling will be of any use .

My illness finished over 12 years ago but I was certainly too scared to tell any NHS counselor so I hired a private counselor and built up trust over time. I eventually went to a NHS counselor but not really until I felt the thoughts were not so much of a problem.

I am not in this position so I do not know if women feel the same as I did .

I.e if you have these horrible thoughts about harming your child do you feel you can confide this to your doctor or NHS counselor??

Perhaps others can answer this question.

If you had thought you would harm your child/ren however unlikely you yourself knew it to be like Lou lou, would you feel confident enough to confide this to a medical professional .

I would like to know if things have changed for women with this symptom?

But anyway Lou lou

I can assure you that they do go, but gradually rather than all at once and without medication I did have them occasionally for many years.

If this seems likely and intolerable to you than I guess the only answer is to try changing medication again, but I managed without

once I knew them to be only thoughts and a symptoms that many with PNI get and get through I seemed to just accept them and let them ride over me . Another thing I did was to write in my dairy or to right to my APNI counselor about what I feared or thought - it helped perhaps you can write to us?

I am not saying that this was not painful at times or that I did not cry many times because I had these thoughts about my wonderful daughter..

but this is how I got through

All the best

Veritee

Hi

Just to echo what has been said already and to welcome you to the site.
Hope you find some support here.

Take care
Hopefulxxx

Thanks to all of you, i'm having a particularly bad day today, but the thoughts are aimed at myself.I have been on the waiting list for CBT therapy for over 3 months now without a word. i just feel at the end of my tether as its been 9 months and i just want these thoughts gone, my life otherwise is fine and i have so much to look forward to, but i do get suicidal thoughts like today as it seems never ending and the only release would be to hurt myself.
i do feel that i know why i have these thoughts, i lost a baby just before conceiving my daughter and also lost my father, someone told me they thought it was my way ofcontrol.i had no control over the loss of my dad or son so this is the only way i have of controlling my daughter.but i also agree with Veritee, i get so scared for her as well as she is so very precious and yes i would give my life for her and thats why i feel so suicidal sometimes, that she would be better without me.
For the most part these feelings are at there strongest around the time of the month, so i was wondering if trying some hormone pill or cream might be a good idea.
anyway im ranting on a bit now,thanks again for listening

loulou

Hiya Lou lou,

I'm so sorry that you're still having these thoughts and yes they are horrendous.

My daughter is three and when I go through major stress (we're moving soon. Moving in with the in-laws till we sell up) I get a lot of 'what ifs'.

I see danger in everything and you just feel completely exhausted by the thoughts. Its like having a battle with yourself cause you know inside that you wouldnt do anything, but the thoughts that come are just so wearing.

My thoughts are not too bad now as I have been taking anti-d's for a couple of months now and they do seem to have calmed the thoughts/anxiety down.

Have you spoken to your GP/HV about your thoughts?

If its getting to the point where you feel that things are not improving then you should speak to your Dr again. He may up your meds for you or maybe even chase up about the CBT?

Anyway, you take care of yourself. Dont forget we're here for you. Love n hugs Cinders xxx