collette
Senior Member
Jacob will be a year on the 1st September!!
Posts: 248
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Post by collette on Feb 9, 2005 23:36:29 GMT
i have only recently come to accept that something has not been right with my behaviour.
i think there were a few factors still unresolved in me becoming a bit ill.
the birth was long and difficult. it was assisted with ventouse because of swelling on jacob's head so the midwives could not tell which way face was.
i wanted to breastfeed but only gave it a few days andfailed miserably. in hindsight i should have stuck with it but i got rubbish help in hospital and min support at home.
hospital was awful. i was completely shellshocked on my first day withthe baby. i was shown how to change aterry towel nappy once and expected to get on with. i had to constantly ask for help with latching on. i was given v strong laxative because of episiotomy for toilet. this made me do the toilet on myself in bed. my body felt wrecked and ravaged and no one explained why or was this normal , amount of bleeding constant farting etc.
all this and a new beautiful baby to deal with, plus endless visitors while trying to establish breastfeeding - a recipe for disaster.
collettex
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Post by catherine on Feb 23, 2005 22:16:23 GMT
I am absolutely amazed to read so many messages with an answer! I have tried to discover why I had PNI for nearly 4 years!!! No health professional was able to help me understand why and infact I went very close to a slippery road of trying to discover why and nearly went mad in the process. I know accept I had it - I'm fortunately over it and now want to help others who have it.
My way over it obviously isn't the answer for all sufferers, but having been to psychiatrists, doctors and all, I finally had my ovaries removed 4 months ago and at long last feel like me! Like me pre-babies!!!
Reply for more info if anyone wants further details.
Whatever stage of the illness you're at - hang in - life does get better. This website actually saved me several times - I was a coward and never registered - I wish I had all those years ago!
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Post by lesley on Feb 24, 2005 20:37:39 GMT
dear catherine i to have had pni for 4years most of the time im great but every now and then it comes back usually when i come of meds.in the begining i tried so hard to understand how and why id got it but never found the answer.it was interesting to see someone else had had pni as long as me. do you take meds or are you totally recovered. it would be nice to hear from you and compair notes . love lesley xxx
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amp
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by amp on Apr 13, 2005 20:14:10 GMT
cant think what biggest factor is. I suppose feeling that you are so alone, that you are the only mum who has felt this way, that people dont understand.
I was diagnosed with PNI when my daughter was 6 months old. I had breastfed her totally (and carried on until she was 14 months because she would not take a bottle. ) I never really felt that i had any space from her until i got her off the breast. My Husband is a star, he dotes on our Daughter and often I felt he could look after her so much better than i could. But he didnt feel as "tied "to her as i did. I went back to work part time when my Daughter was 9 months old. We had a lot of issues with childcare and in the end my Husband applied for flexible working so that he could look after her one day while i was at work. I have a fairly stressful job, but i wanted some kind of normallity in my life and it was my only bit of space. I think that i felt if i had a bit of my old life back then things might just go away! I have been at work for a year now. I have been on antidepressants since i was diagnosed and 2 times after discussion with my GP i have tried to reduce the dose. But it hasnt worked. Today i have spent 40 mins in my GPs office wondering if this is how i will feel for the rest of my life. I am in the position where i feel that i will now have to tell my manager that i have been fighting this problem for months. I feel ashamed to have to tell people, it feels like you are admitting that you have failed at something that is supposed to be natural. Today has been really upsetting because i think i am finally facing the fact that i cannot go on feeling that i cant cope.
We have no family support. I have only been out on 2 evenings since my daughter was born. I couldnt go out initially as i fed her for so long. My Husband and I hope to go out together for the 1st time in 2 years on our wedding anniversay in july. I suffered with depression when i had thyroid disease 4 years ago. I had a lot of health problems when i was pregnant and also a scare when i had my 20 wk scan. I had to be induced at 38 weeks and had a long hard labour after which i felt very traumatised. i also had a second degree tear which was not dealt with and caused me problems for another 12 months. I had a lack of consistency with all my healthcare team. they were all very good but i had to change midwife at 24 wks and my GP when iwas 28 wks pregnant. I had no health visitor for 4 months and in that time had mastitis 2 times. I think these were all big factors in my PNI
My Daughter is beautiful and i love her more than anything but i feel that i have missed so much because of how i have been feeling. I feel so guilty that i havent been able to look after her as i should have. I feel guilty that i have felt so much resentent towards her and for feeling that i cant cope. I just look forward to enjoying my family and not just coping day to day I have a very understanding GPwho seems to be working with me to sort this thing out. My Husband just wants me to feel well again. When i look back i can see so many signs but it seems that other people were not there to spot them at those crucial times i.e. GP health visitor. It is so difficult to see things yourself when you are in such turmoil. Thank you for sharing your stories, it has given me some hope at last
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Post by Veritee on Apr 14, 2005 6:32:47 GMT
Dear Amp Thank you for your comprehensive description about your biggest factors in PNI. And welcome to the site. Please feel free to post on the main section for support, Wendy, one of our moderators has left a message of welcome for you there. see; veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=general&action=display&n=1&thread=1188However there is no obligation that members post, some join and only read the forum or make a very occasional contribution and some only look at the forum as guests, but other become very active on here Whatever way you want to use the forum is OK by us, and I hope that the forum can support you a little through this horrible illness. I think the message I want to give to yu after reading about your experiences is - you will get better - we all get better, but for some of us it takes longer. Although no research I know of has confirmed this assumption and it is only my opinion , I have come to the personal conclusion from supporting women with PNI for many years that while we all do get better if we have a pre- existing depression, anxiety or emotional issues, this can take longer and recovery from PNI itself may still mean when we are recovered we still have these issues to deal with which may have been exacerbated by the unfortunate fact of getting PNI. I say this because of your depression with your thyroid disease ( was your thyroid under active as depression with this is very common?) Which may or may not be a factor in your PNI and recovery from PNI This may not relate to you at all - it was my experience though and many others I have supported and this meant that I had PNI for quite a long time and after I recovered had to deal with the emotional issues it left due to my pre- exciting situation. Yet on the other hand many others who are and who have used this forum found that while equally horrible to suffer, that the illness was relatively short and within 18 months to two years, they felt as fine as before and with no after effects. I think we all take this differently - but you will get better. You do not have to wonder 'if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life.' Because you won’t, but the journey is not necessarily easy or that short as I am sure you know. All the best Veritee
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Post by yoyo on Jul 4, 2005 18:35:00 GMT
I have to agree with Veritee "For me it was the lack of respect and unhelpful attitude by ALL (in my case MANY) healthcare professionals during my long and difficult labour and birth".
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Post by cheshire on Jul 19, 2005 17:47:21 GMT
It was a complex web most probably caused by:
- primarily ( I think) changing hormones (I almost FELT this happen) and the breathing difficulties then started . I had been in hospital with breathing difficulties which could not be explained during my pregnancy too - husband seriously ill before giving birth - history of childhood abuse - unborn child had risk of fatal illness/ decided against amnio. - sleep deprivation for many months due to all of the above
I firmly believe that sleep deprivation really did exacerbate symptoms of anxiety and illness.
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Post by angel on Jul 22, 2005 8:50:55 GMT
I think i have to agree that it is a combination of things that led to my getting PND. I really didn't enjoy being pregnant the first time round and that started at my second scan as i was told that my baby had too much fluid on his kidneys. However that was all i was told and i had to keep going back very two weeks to be re scanned. I think in the end it was only because I'm a nurse that i demanded to see the consultant so that he could tell me what it all meant, it was never actually offered. When i saw the consultant he had a medical student with him and she came out with the comment " oh that only happens in boys doesn't it " and that sort of ruined the surprise for me as i hadn't wanted to know what i was having. Following all this at 30 weeks my blood pressure went up and i had protein in my urine and was admitted to hospital a few times. I then went into labour two weeks early and my labour only lasted two hours, i know that sounds great but its not something you can prepare for and as much as I'm glad it was quick i was just something else that i wasn't in control of.
I think one of the other factors in getting PND is that my husband worked nights so i was home alone with the baby all night having broken sleep. Yet my husband would come home from work and sleep solidly for about 8 hours while i tried to keep the baby quiet. Then even when he was awake he was always still really tired and grumpy so i just felt that he was never there to support me. That all came to a head when i had an affair i guess i was looking for that support elsewhere, but after he found out he stopped working nights and things got much better.
I then felt i had got over things and my little boy was nearly three and i got pregnant again it was all planned. This time round i really wanted to have my baby at home and was told by the midwife that as long as my blood pressure stayed down that it would be fine. But yet again nothing goes to plan i was really excited as my blood pressure was staying down and everything seemed to be going great. Then they decided that the baby seemed a bit big and sent me for blood tests where they found that i had gestational diabetes so that was my home birth out the window. In the end i was testing my sugar levels about five times a day, for anyone that doesn't know that means jabbing yourself with a needle, and also injecting insulin three times a day. I was also induced a week early as my sugar levels were not being controlled and that was not the most pleasant experience.
So i think all in all those are the main factors contributing to my PND although I'm sure hormones didn't help either.
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Post by gizmoracer on Jul 27, 2005 20:50:21 GMT
Hi I don't honestly think I can give one factor, as my situation was a muddle of alsorts. Firstly When I fell pregnant my husband and I had just decided to stop trying for a baby as we had found a house to buy and had given notice on our rented flat. It was down to choosing the baby or the house. We moved in with my parents through my pregnancy which was at times very difficult (more so for Steve than me I think). When my son was born, after a very long labour but planned waterbirth (very pleased with this), I tried desperatly to breastfeed but failed miserably, part of this was down to deciding to take on my 7 yr old stepson whilst his mum went away, this involved driving him 13 miles to school everyday and home again with a 3 week old breastfed baby. In the end my GP (also a very good family friend) advised me to call it quits. This I feel was the start of my PNI. 1 week before my son was born my mum had been told she had a tumor growing on her spinal cord and would loose the use of her legs if they didn't operate soon. She was sent into london for this intricate operation and was told she only had a 50 percent chance of coming out able to walk. My mum came out xmas eve and you could cut the tention at home with a knife. Just to add she is now still recovering after 2 1/2 years and 3 operations, able to walk but has lost alot of feeling. It was when she came home that she took me to the GP (I was told it was for her but she had worked out what was wrong with me "mums instinct") After only 2 more months I unexpectedly fell pregnant again. This caused tremendous stress as my son was suffering with sever colic and my hubby told me to get rid of it. I point blank refused and we had just got used to the idea when I misscarried. This was the same week we moved into a homeless hostal (I can't begin to describe how terrible it was there) I became very protective of my son and fought like mad to get out. Luckily for us we moved after 3 months and 3 days. I had just discovered I was pregnant for a 3rd time (planned, but not to replace the lost baby). After having my daughter it all flooded back. Bit of a brief ending but the kids are up got to go. Kim.
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Babytales
Senior Member
Slipped back down again, but trying my best to find my way back
Posts: 207
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Post by Babytales on Aug 3, 2005 20:49:07 GMT
Hmmm.... where to begin!!
I've suffered from depression on and off since the death of my father 12 years ago. I also suffered from panic attacks and anxiety the year before I became pregnant. However, I believe I'd got to a place of 'normality' before pregnancy. Although, the history of depression and anxiety probably didn't help.
I also agree with veritee about the lack of respect by the healthcare professionals during my pregnancy and labour.
I will never forget my first appointment with my consultant at the hospital. I was firstly interviewed by a midwife and thought I should tell her of my history of depression and anxiety to explain my nervousness. Her reply was "you won't have any time for depression when you have a baby!". Her tone was dismissive, short and rude.
This shocked me so much that I couldn't speak to her much at all for the rest of the appointment and also each appointment I had at the hospital from then on I panicked every time she came out to call a patient from the waiting room incase I was on her list again.
I had a different consultant every time I went to the hospital and never once saw the one that was assigned to me.
I went through 4 different midwives during my pregnancy - one lasted 2 weeks and went off sick with depression. The other 3 kept on filling in every few weeks, so no one followed up on any questions I'd asked at the previous appointment. Finally, when I kicked up a fuss, they assigned me a midwife who visited my home every two weeks for the last month and a half of my pregnancy - then took her holidays for the last 2 weeks!! And yet again another midwife filled in.
5 months into my pregnancy I developed a chest infection and ended up in casualty with severe asthma. I then ended up with high blood pressure and protein in my urine - so they had me on watch for a month and a half incase of pre-eclempsia.
7 months in, I ended up back in hospital again with contractions. Thankfully it only lasted a day and a half and went back to normal. I'm still not sure why as it was so badly explained to me!
During labour they completely disregarded my birth plan that my midwife had put in capitals and red as it was important to try and keep my anxiety levels at a low.
When I went into labour the first midwife I had was absolutely awful - I was in agony and she told me I was being stupid as I was only registering some small amount on the scale. So they wheeled me into the ward, on arrival my waters broke and my baby was in distress.
I had a long and awful labour. They kept telling me that I was doing it all wrong. The tens machine disconnected and shorted, giving me a shock in the back! Even though I'd explained I have arthritis in my spine and an epidural wouldn't work, they kept on and on at me to try it. (I kept hearing them discussing with each other how I wouldn't make it through the labour the way I was going). In the end, I relented, let them do it and it didn't work. TWICE.
I was given diamorphine which made me fall asleep inbetween contractions. I'd wake up in agony to two midwives laughing at me, going 'oh, she's back again!'.
I was made to feel a complete failure during the whole labour and birth. I tore badly and had stitching which seemed to last forever.
Then, when they gave me my baby to hold and then feed, I was still drugged up and was terrified as I kept passing out. I was so scared I'd drop her on the floor and no one seemed to care.
Then of course, coming home. My husband's family were all at the house waiting for us and all I wanted to do was wash, take pain killers and go to sleep, but we had to chat, have tea, be pleasant etc.
My DD had huge sleep problems. She couldn't nap in the day for more than half an hour. I was mad about trying to keep the house clean etc while she slept. I think I averaged about 4 or 5 hours sleep a day for the first few months.
I didn't have help by any family members - they'd all come and visit, see the baby and then leave as soon as she was asleep. I felt like no-one wanted to see me, I was just a baby machine.
I've tried to remember all the major things that have probably influenced me developing PNI, I hope it's of help to you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by yoyo on Aug 15, 2005 18:51:03 GMT
Also fact that I was told that I was very likely carrying a Downs child (all done over the phone in a very matter of fact way - basically get yourself to the hospital for an amnio) - I cried & cride, then did lots of research and decided against an amnio so Dr at hospital (excellent) offered to do a scan and he was sure I wasn't as far on as the midwife had said so that is why blood test came back with odd results. My little lad was born perfectly healthy and full term. There was always this worry at the back of my mind though!
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Post by daly on Aug 20, 2005 20:53:49 GMT
I have had this illness 2 and a half years now and I think from attending a counselor I can see why it probably happened to me personally. I have always been quite critical of myself(I think this was down to the fact that as a teenager I didn't really get the praise that I think you need.My parents were very good to me and wanted me to do well for myself but I never got the"well done or "that was really goodetc"I think I have probably for a long time thought I just wasn't good enough.Anyway I went to college and qualified as a primary school teacher and loved it. I in the meantime met my husband to be. T his in itself through up problems. They were very nice but to me they were a lot better of than my family.I wasn't familiar with going to restaurants etc and as you can guess I once again felt that I wasn't good enough. I worked very hard as a teacher for four years and I loved it. I got married and when I found out I was pregnant we moved back to Ireland.I was happy but I moved back into my parents home as we were trying to find our own place. I had give up my job(which I found really hard).My HUSBAND GOT WORK BUT i THINK THIS WAS ANOTHER MOMENT WHEN MY SELF ESTEEM FELL. I had a very traumatic labour which resulted in a beautiful boy but being honest the whole picture of motherhood collapsed. I didn't bond for about 6 weeks. The sleepless nights etc were hard and once again I just thought I'm no good at this.However things improved and we bought our first house. The problem here was that I was miles from my family.knew nobody and was quite bored at home all day with a baby.This feeling of boredom made me feel worse.I felt that I should be so lucky to have a little baby and here I was still not happy. My husband would come in and be talking about people from work and hoe his day was -this just made me feel more isolated-I remember crying in bed thinking that I didn't know who I was or what my purpose in life was anymore.I also felt people thought that I was useless as some people would say jokingly"mothers have it easy sitting home watching daytime TV-this made me mad."When my son was 2 I give birth to my little daughter. I had a good pregnancy and a good however from the moment it came to feeding it was downhill. I felt really pressurized into breastfeeding but it wasn't for me.-another failure.I came home and from there on it got worse.Basically I felt really stressed,I got a kidney infection,my skin broke out in an allergic reaction to something, our fridge broke and I was worried about the babies bottles-all little things but eventually I got really ill.I have had a really hard couple of years and theres times when I ve thought I'm never going to recover but I am .Ihave made loads of progress but am still fighting the illness. I am sure I will recover fully in time and probably will be a lot stronger in many ways.I suppose the thing for me that really sums up why I think I got this illness is POOR SELF ESTEEM AND SELF WORTH. looking back I can see lots of little things-changes in my life that have affected my self esteem and slowly they have built on top of each other until the birth of my daughter was the final straw and I finally broke.I hope this information will be of help to you in your research.
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Post by cheshire on Aug 20, 2005 23:30:57 GMT
Hey Daly
You hit on something here which many things lead to on this thread - and that is poor esteem
I think sometimes that was it for me too
Thanks
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Post by cheshire on Aug 23, 2005 23:00:15 GMT
Hello again
I have just been told about the 'jug explanation' ie. the more that bad experiences build up, the more full and flowing are our emotions. More likely to have anxiety etc. I really believe that PNI is exacerbated by hormones and is not just anxiety and depression as the onset is so fast, severe and enduring. It' s just my opinion tho'..However, this simple jug analogy makes sense - maybe PNI sufferers' jugs were full (sorry LOL that sounded funny!) and with hormonal changes that was the straw that broke the camels back?
It makes sense as so many here have had something stressful happen around the birth (before, during or after)...
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hannah457
Senior Member
i have 4 children. brandon,angel , peter, leland .
Posts: 453
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Post by hannah457 on Mar 20, 2006 23:54:27 GMT
the biggest factor in my getting pni was lack of support from the heath professional team in my local area. Ive seen my h.v twice in the seven months of my son being born. if i got a problem i cant ever get hold of her so i feel so isolated and alone.
Hannah xx
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