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Post by cheshire on Feb 6, 2009 21:03:17 GMT
Dear Elle,
Welcome to the forumx
I also had the intrusive what of thoughts - and know how disturbing they can be. Terrifying and all comsuming.
It is so hard to deal with - have you seen your GP yet? Meds and/ or talking therapy can help.
Come back and talk again please - I am sorry this is brief, I'm serving dinner.
You are so welcome here and believe me, you are not alone,
Hopefulxxx
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elle
New Member
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Post by elle on Feb 6, 2009 21:18:34 GMT
Hi, Thanks for your reply. I haven't been to GP yet and don't know if I want to. I am scared that if I talk about the content of my thoughts there is a small chance my baby could be considered at risk. I don't want to take that chance as I love her so much and the worry over this may make me feel worse. I know I would never want to do any of these things, but does the illness make you doubt yourself? Why if I know in reality I would never act on the thoughts do they scare me so much. I am frightened. Its like my mind is trying to think up scenarios that put doubt in my mind, and as I am frightened it is happening more. I can't stop being frightened of the thoughts incase I get one that again makes me doubt myself. I love my daughter so much and she means so much to me, I think as I see this as a threat it is making it so much more real. Its terrible not to feel in control of your own mind and that it could terrify you out of the blue at any time. I want to just enjoy having my daughter.
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Post by sarah jane on Feb 7, 2009 9:18:25 GMT
hi elle,i have these horrible,frightening intrusive thoughts for nearly 5 months now,its so awful im experiencing everything you are.Your not enjoying these thoughts and because you are aware of how awful they are,that says your are NOT at any risk what so ever of hurting your baby.All they are is a common part of pni and is all your worst fears,there not reality.Even though im still ill,im on medication and my thoughts are inproving and becoming a lot less.Your doctor wont judge you,dont suffer in silence.You will get better,i hope this reasures you in some way.Love sarah jane x x
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elle
New Member
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Post by elle on Feb 7, 2009 12:04:03 GMT
Hi Sarah Jane, Accidentally hit post button when hadn't finished message. What I ment to say was I think we alot of the time just observe our own random thoughts. If you are particularly frightened of a thought then the subconcious creates all sorts of scary scenarios much like a nightmare and throws it into our thoughts. Then when we are off guard and one of the scenarios comes up and we are just observing it for that split second until we realise the horror of it we wonder if it is relevant to us or it is something we could do. This is why the horror is so bad. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone.
Take care x
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Post by gizmoracer on Feb 7, 2009 14:48:02 GMT
Hi Elle.
I just wanted to say that I too have had some very disturbing thoughts, not of a sexual nature but nevr the less something I felt I couldn't possibly speak to my GP or even my husband or Mum about. It was actually a counseller who eventually got it out of me. I think she must have known that I was having these thoughts but didn't want to say. She told me some of the thoughts she had as a new mum when her's were small and she was never diagnsed as having PNI. Her explaination was that everybody gets these thoughts, yes it probably is more common with women with PNI but never the less they are only thoughts, bit like dreams, its something that flits past your subconcious without you meaning it too. Also the fact that it upsets us so much just shows our true colours so to speak. If something like this didn't upset and frightnen you then what sort of a person are you? Does that make sense.
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Post by georgie on Feb 7, 2009 20:14:40 GMT
Hi Elle, I'm so sorry you are having a bad time hun. Please read my posts if you need any re-assurance that you are not alone in thinking like this. I too have sexual intrusive thoughts & I know exactly what you mean. You have summed it up so well! My little girl is 2 & have had these thoughts for a long time & normally now I can dismiss them & realise they are irrational but on a blip I doubt myself , & feel more vulnerable to them. I would really recommend a book called "Imp of the mind" by Lee Baer. Hope this site helps you & makes you realise that there is no truth or significance to the thought. They are just bad thoughts that everybody gets but because we are anxious we feel that there must be some truth to them & find it hard to dismiss them until they become an obsession. Love Georgie x
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Post by michelle1985 on Jun 15, 2009 19:53:29 GMT
the last week i have been a bit of a mess i know i am not the only one as i have talked to a friend who has been feeling the same. my anxiety as hit again. the news story of the nursery nurse on child porn issues at first it hit but slightly i was scared i was going to end up a pedophile i have had these worries before utter fear of becoming like her. of one day turning in to her. and when that went i had them utter dread of my children going to nursery in september ie who is going to be looking after my children,changing there nappies ext. the two feres have been going round in my head. then for some reason i read another story in the paper that said she had sexually abused them!! there was a picture of her on a works night out laughing. and i just got so paranoid now i think it could be anyone. i became verry scared and we went out for tea after a verry rushed trip to London to visit an aunt who is verry ill. in the restaurant the waiter a lady walked in and all of a sudden i was worried for my kids i though what if she hurts them what if she finds them sexually arousing!!!!!!!!! i new it was irrational as soon as it had past my mind but i am so scared now. i thought i was getting better but i feel i am not. the medication is helping the mood and depression but not helping the anxiety.. what will i do how will i keep my kids safe from everyone and from me!!!!!!!!!
i know i would never hurt my kids but the thoughts and fears keep coming to me i want to cry!
i know you may have to move this somewere ells but i just needed to get it out and see if im going mad....
i posted this one the main page but no ne replied i though i must be the mad one and that i must be some kind of pedaphile, but i have ust had a read through. it is horrible when i see my nieces with no cloths on i tell them to put some cloths on because i am sceared of looking at them my little girl toached her self often today (she is potty training) i had to put her a nappy back on because i was having them thoughts and needed to protect her. it shouldnt be like that it s the most natrul thing for kids to do they need to exsplor there bodies and not be sceared of there privet parts. but i am just been so paranoide how can i even potty train her if i can't abide her having no cloths on. when i was feeling funny about the pedaphile on the news when i changed her nappy and she had done a poo i couldnt bring my self to clean her propely it whent 2 days and i couldnt let her get anysort of infection down there so i cleaned her properly and bathed her and after i sat crying that this is making me feel like this. i love my children and want them to be children the sort of children that do run about with no cloths on i know i did we would be at the beach and my mum would get us changed behind a towl and we would undress on the beach it was fun and all part of growing up it makes me sad that because of my paranoier my children will not be abel to be free and happy michelle xxxxx
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Post by anonmom on Jun 15, 2009 21:14:01 GMT
Hi
I too have suffered intrusive thoughts with PNI of different things not sexual abuse but other disturbing ones and im too petrified of tellin my GP as i think what if my LO gets taken away What if they think im insane..some days i just want to run away to get rid of these awful thoughts which at the time feel like they are takin over my life i then obssess the thought and go into a panick attack worried what if i turn out like these people who hurt there children what if im a evil person.Its really scary i know and unless ppl are goin thru what we are they dont understand how we are feelin x
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Post by justme31 on Jun 16, 2009 15:11:15 GMT
|Hi Michelle & Anonmum i probably wont be any help but just wanted to leave a message. Reading what u just said brought back memories of having terrible obssessive thoughts about harming and doin terrible things to my baby when I was in the midst of pni. I can relate so much to what u r sayin michelle i knew i would never harm her but the thoughts were so bad......24 hours a day 7 days a week sometimes. I got to the stage where i knew i wouldnt harm her but the thoughts still didnt stop and it was awful. I just wanted to say that time was a great factor in the thoughts going(probably not what u wana hear i know!) but they faded away gradually and i got to a stage where even though they were there they didnt bother me as much. Plz believe that they will go cos they will(i never thought they would) and u will be able to enjoy normal situations with ya children again. Anonmum dont be scared to tell ya gp as the thoughts r part of pni and the gp will know this......I went and told my gp and a shrink at one stage that i had chucked all the knives away as i was scared cos i was having thoughts of killin my baby.........my kids are still with me and no one battted an eyelid as doctors know it is a sign of the pni and that u are not a danger to your kids. P.S My daughter is 12 now and even though at the moment i am suffering with the damn illness again it did go away last time and will this time and it will be the same for u Take care xxx
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steph
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Post by steph on Oct 9, 2009 22:23:33 GMT
Hi I just wanted to write and express my releif at finding this website. I have been suffering with dreadfull unwanted thoughts that I may sexually abusing my little girl (who is now 14 months) for the last 3 months or so. It came on when I was quite happily bathing her one day and a thought suddenly popped into my head about people that sexually abuse children which made me feel really anxious as I related myself to that situation which then made me think that I wanted to do these horrible things. I felt awfull as my daughter was in such a vulnerable position when I was thinking about this. The week following I experienced some horrible panic attacks and spoke to my husband who has been so understanding and supportive. He reassured me that it is ok to think about these things but it doesn't mean that you will actually do them. I was stil really struggling to cope with it all so went to mp gp who prescribed me with citolopram 20mg ad's. I have been taking them for 6 weeks and am not sure if they are working yet as still feeling very panicky at times. I have arranged to see a CBT councellor next week which will hopefully help me. It is such a hard hard thing to experience and I just hate doubting myself all the time and all the what if, what if's?? I am over analysing my every move when I am with my daughter which makes me feel like I'm going mad. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to be a mum for even thinking this way in the first place. I know deep down I would never hurt/abuse my baby girl, the thought petrifies me! I love her so so much and just want to go back to the person I was 3 months ago before this terrible illness took hold. It is so reassuring to know that other mums have experienced these thoughts too as I have felt so alone. Is anyone having any similar problems at the moment? x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2009 7:53:34 GMT
Hi Steph
Welcome to the site x
Yes, everything you describe is VERY common of PNI, and your husband is right, having these thoughts certainly does not mean that you will ever carry them out. The fact that they make you feel the way you do just shows that it would never happen.
6 weeks on the meds is not that long. It can take a while to get up to full effect, and you may even find at some point that you need a slight increase in dose, so bear with the if you can.
CBT is amazing in my mind. Tough going, but the benefits are so worth it. I hope you find it helps? Best of luck for the appointment next week, and do let us know how you get on with it?
Come and talk to us anytime. So many can relate to what you are going through and prove to you that this does get better xx
Look after yourself
WG x
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steph
Full member
Posts: 87
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Post by steph on Oct 10, 2009 17:00:38 GMT
Thanks for your reply WG, it's so nice to hear your reassurance on this. The last few months have been such hell for me but I know now that this is an illness that I have and I will get through it. I'm just so sorry that this has to happen to so many new mum's when we are all such loving mums who just want the best for our children.
I have to go and see my gp next week to get my next prescription of meds so will discuss my options then. Hopefully I will get some relief from the med's soon. I will be sure to let you know how I get on with my councellor.
Thanks again for listening and being here, it's good to know I have somewhere I can talk to people who have had similar experiences.
Love Steph x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 10, 2009 19:35:16 GMT
Hi Hun
Best of luck with your appointment next week. Just be as honest with you can about what you have been thinking and feeling with your GP. This does get better, hard to believe but true. And we will be here if you need us along the way.
Take Care
WG xx
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steph
Full member
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Post by steph on Oct 15, 2009 19:25:10 GMT
Just thought I'd write and let you know how my apointment's went this week. My GP has given me another months worth of Citolopram (20mg) as he said it could take a few more weeks to take full effect and if not there are other things we can try so that's reassuring. I had my first councelling session last night which went well. I got really emotional when I said out loud how much I love my little girl which helped me to feel like my old self again. I have been given some homework to practise some relaxation excersizes and identify 'hot' thoughts and try to 'cool' them down by writing down factual evidence to back up and go against each worrying thought, it was quite ironic that I couldn't think of any factual evidence to back up some of the worrying thoughts I'd been having.
Been feeling quite positive today which is probably down to my husband having the day off, has been really nice for the three of us to spend some quality time together. Had a few blip-y moments but generally a better day today. Just finding it so hard to beleive in myself after the past few dark months I have had. I know I'm in there somewhere, just need to practise thinking rationally. I think my biggest problem is that where I have shut myself off comletely sexually (unfortunately for my husband) due to all of the horrible thoughts I've been having it's hard to be able to think clearly which brings on all the what if's which go against what I really think about these things and in reality would never want to do.
Hope I haven't waffled on too much but hope in some way you understand where I'm coming from.
Here's hopefully to a good couple of days!!
Steph x x
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Post by winegirl on Oct 15, 2009 20:14:51 GMT
Hi Steph
Glad you have had a better day today and the counselling went well! Yes, it can take quite a few weeks for the benefits of the meds to kick in, but you are clearly having some already, so just hang on in there for even more better days!
Yes, I too shut myself off sexually from my husband, and if I am honest still do now really, but I am assures from many that go through this that it does get better again!
Hope the next few days are up for you xx
Take Care
WG xx
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