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Post by kittykatt on Mar 1, 2010 18:32:46 GMT
anon79 I feel for you so much. This is how my pni presented when my baby was eight weeks and it absolutely terrified me. It is frightening that you can almost convince yourself you are that person and look for all evidence from the past that might suggest so. For about four weeks I went through hell until I got the Crisis Team involved as well as my consultant psychiatrist and perinatal nurse and they have helped to almost convince me it is not true. The thoughts were rife at the beginning but now 4 months on they only rear their heads now and again and I feel more in control of them. I know your gp said medication is not an option but if you have pni (of which these thoughts are quite common - something I had not realised until I saw the crisis team and came on this site) a lot of the thoughts will be down to depression and anxiety and surely you need medication to help you be able to start dealing with the thoughts? Can you see a different GP. Ask to be referred to the Crisis Team? I am having some problems with detachment and anger at the moment but the sexual thoughts are all but gone. Mine too began at the time of that horrible nursery story as did I think a lot of the other ladies!
Hope this has helped. Keep in touch if you need to. KittyKatt. x
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Post by winegirl on Mar 1, 2010 19:33:34 GMT
Hi Anon79
I am absolutely stunned that your GP has confirmed anxiety and yet does not think meds will help!! I can tell you from personal as well as professional experience that this is utter rubbish! I went a year suffering like you without meds (and no diagnose actually) so ultimately changed surgery and saw a new GP who not only reffered me to a specialist with a braing but halped me get on the meds. I can tell you now that I am recovered from this awful illness, even though there were times I thought I never would be.
Labelling is not great in some situations, but my belief is a label = treatment. Many will disagree with me, but this is just my experience.
I can totally relate to being sick with the anxiety, and it has actually left me emetephobic (fear of nause and vomitting) because of all the times i felt sick with the anxiety.
But I promise, with the right help and support it does get better.
We are here and listening if you ever want to come back and talk. We do not judge, and we have all been there/are there, so I hope you find the site helpful x
Take Care
WG xx
Do not take this lying down. See a different GP, demand meds as well as support from your local mental health team.
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Post by anon79 on Mar 2, 2010 12:27:29 GMT
Thanks for your replies. I can't keep anything down today. I woke up feeling on edge and scared of what I don't know...myself? I have flashing moments of normality and positivity must shake myself up in a bag but then the fog just returns and it is such a beautiful day as well. I feel so selfish and like a total monster they just keep creeping in again and again no matter how I try to fight them. I don't deserve my partner or my son feeling like this it just isn't fair on them. What the hell am I going to do. If it is all in my mind I am trying so hard it just isn't going away. I look at my child and smiles and it kills me that these thoughts even enter my head, why and where are they from for goodness sake it is driving me insane. I weep he is so beautiful and I love him so much I am so lucky. What if they took him away from me thinking I am a risk to him when I am not but you fell like a monster for just having this happen in your head. God I just want to be normal again. Normal me but there is no one to help. Gp says it is down to me and I know it is but I am trying my very very best and it still keeps happening. I am so petrified that about all this, if it is all in my mind and not pni then I am not normal...tried phoning a helpline and it just goes to answer phone. Im even worried about writing on here incase police or social services look at it and think you are some weirdo and want to take your child away. I don't know what to do.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2010 12:44:27 GMT
Have you tried ringing the phoneline for APNI? They will answer pretty swiftly...
Honeslty, noone will take your little boy away from you. What you are experiencing most of us here have gone through and talked openely to the services about, and we have not had our children taken from us. I work in the area of mental health now, and in my experience it just doesnt happen.
This will get better, I promise, but you do need the right help and support first. Can you see another GP? I am sorry to sound like I am slagging off a GP I have never met, but they sounds useless. I am astonished that medication has not been offered to you...
I am about all day if you want to keep talking here hun x
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Post by anon79 on Mar 2, 2010 13:34:37 GMT
Hi winegirl,
I just got through to the help line you said and they said the same as you. I don't want medication really but am getting to the point where I've tried all I can and it isn't working. My partner has just called to say he has finished work early and I've burst into tears with relief but why i don't know. I feel like Im going insane and am climbing the walls. It is like I've asked for help finally and been told it is down to me and I don't think I can do it on my own anymore. the gp said that unfortunately this happens to intelligent people and you're intelligent so use you brain to get on with it. Doesn't he think I've tried?
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Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2010 14:20:32 GMT
Oh my god hun, your GO is shocking! PLEASE see another one. You need to ask for immediate refferal to your local mental health team and apporpriate medication. I have never heard such useless coments from someone who calls themself a Doctor!
What time is your OH due back from work???
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Post by anon79 on Mar 2, 2010 18:35:55 GMT
Rang health visitor and finally someone has acknowledged how I'm feeling. She is arranging for me to go to a specialist post natal unit at the hospital on Thursday. I just thank god someone is going to help me Although now petrified of stigma linked to this and fear of them wanting to take my child away from me. Need to be positive now though as turned a corner something is going to get sorted.
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Post by kittykatt on Mar 2, 2010 19:47:37 GMT
anon79 I could cry for you. You sound exactly like me when this started. I was fine until baby 8 weeks old and then within three days I was distraught! Luckily I had had depression before and was already under the care of an excellent consultant psychiatrist and the Crisis Team did a great deal to help me. I promise you I know how you feel. I was very open and honest about my horrible thoughts once someone told me my baby would not be taken away and that this is very common. Honestly, I've told health professionals some horrible things and they rarely bat an eyelid because they've heard it all before and know you wouldn't be talking about these things if you wanted to do them! I'm so pleased you are seeking help and it sounds brilliant that you have been referred to a specialist unit you're going to get the help you need! Your GP sounds very harsh telling you it's all down to you. In a way he's right but you need help and guidance to know how to try and get out of this!
Please keep us up to date and keep posting! xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2010 21:54:20 GMT
Hi Hun
Firstly, you will NOT be permanently stigmatised by this. The thing about PNI is that at present it recognised as just that, a post natal thing that gets better. It is NOT something you need to worry about.
Secondly, I have spent some time on postnatal units (MBU's), and I can tell you you are in VERY good hands. I am so proud that you have made this decision to get the help, because I know it was really hard for you.
I hope your time at the unit helps, and know that we are all here and thinking of you xxx
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by anon79 on Mar 6, 2010 19:26:12 GMT
An upate... Voluntarily admitted myself to MBU and now on medication for anxiety and antidepressants. I have been diagnosed with obsessive ruminations and depression as a result of that. I am in very capable hands and have been able to come home for the day today and again tomorrow. They are arranging CBT with a specialist as an outpatient as well with a women who has dealt with 4 other cases alone of exactly the same thing in the last 18 months. I have a long way to go but so glad I have got help sorted out as it was well over due. Thank you for your supportive comments and I'll update when discharged hopefully end of next week
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Post by winegirl on Mar 7, 2010 12:21:45 GMT
Hi Hun
I am glad you are receicing great care. I am a BIG fan of MBU's and their input into recovery..
Hope you enjoy your leave today and stay on course for discharge next week..
Will be thinking of you
WG xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 12, 2010 10:41:51 GMT
Just wanted to drop in to say I am thinking of you and hope all is ok with you??
WG xxx
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Post by anon79 on Mar 16, 2010 15:47:54 GMT
Hi I got discharged on Friday. Saturday was ok but have felt worse day by ay since. Im on medication but yesterday and today have been horrendous with the thoughts just flooding back in, especially when I'm on my own. Another 'suicide' one came in last night and I have just had enough. It is worse if I'm on my own and just long for company not that my child is in any danger whatsoever from me but the constant anxiety and fear is driving me insane. I try to keep telling myself I'm ill but this is happening most of the time that I am scared this is becoming normal / When will the meds kick in?
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Post by winegirl on Mar 16, 2010 17:52:29 GMT
Hi Hun I am sorry you are struggling so much, the meds can take quite a while to kick in - and I know how hard it is for you in the meantime Is there any chance of you being able to get back on the MBU for another week while the meds are doing their stuff? Just for your own safety and piece of mind?? I am thinking of you x WG xxx
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Post by anon79 on Mar 17, 2010 9:08:21 GMT
Me again. What a week. I posted yesterday in a right state. Saturday was ok when discharged but Sunday was horrendous. As soon a I was home there was pressure not from my partner but in laws to organise the christening and I think it was this that got me stressed and triggered a very horrible few days. They were going to the church and I was then pressured into going and this was really the last place I wanted to go because of thoughts around what on earth does god think about someone like me. You pick up on things in the sermon i.e god knows your thoughts etc etc and it all span out of control from there! I'm a monster and going to hell and that set me up for the rest of the day and week being a dithering wreck! Monday I saw relatives with children and that even consisted of my mind tormenting me that I have just looked at a child, I am a weirdo and that has been awful. However, yesterday teatime for the first time I felt a fog lifted and actually started to feel quite normal and more like me. I had a chat with my partner about the thoughts and told him about the latest one (where I'm skipping with a rope to some woods and then use it), but did it without tears and actually thought how ridiculous it is because it is the furthest away from anything I'd ever do. Yet the previous day it brought me to my knees in tears when telling my parents. Most evenings consist of dreading the next morning as you know it will just be the same as every other but last night I didn't and this morning is the first morning in a very long time where I haven't woken up with pangs of anxiety in my stomach and an impending sense of doom. The thoughts have hardly raised their head and there were no tears when my partner left for work which there have been each and every time I've been left on my own. I've read through this forum and associate myself and symptoms closely with kittykatt and that in itself has given me hope it will get better. I'm under no illusion that this is it and everything is better and I can carry on as normal but it is just so wonderful to feel a little bit like my normal self again. I'm going to hold onto this and go with it riding the wave as long as it will last. I am seeing my consultant today and will tell her how the rest of the week has been. It is strange but it is like your brain is scanning around for thoughts and what ifs to spoil it for you but I'm fighting it! Thanks for your support it keeps me going
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