|
Post by angel on Nov 14, 2007 15:32:59 GMT
Hi Katherine
I just thoought i would add on here i too lost a baby altough we were lucky enough to have her for two months which lloking back i do cherise. I have also suffered with PNI and used to come on here quite a lot. Please feel free to message me if you wish
Angel
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 15, 2007 10:49:33 GMT
This was written by the lovely woman I know who runs a charity for women who suffered neonatal death or miscarried. She is new member jenny11 veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?action=viewprofile&user=jenny11Her charity site can be found here: www.forgetmenotbaby.org/I am re-posting it in case it was missed in the introduction sections _______________________________________ Hi Veritee and all I am very unfamiliar with using forums and chat rooms, however, I wanted to just say hello to everyone out there and introduce myself, although I run a charity myself and can't see I will get a great deal of time to participate much on your site. However, I thought with my own personal experience it may help others. I lost my baby girl 20 weeks into my pregnancy. She had a severe abnormality that meant she would not have survived birth. We were admitted to be induced. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I did it out of love for my little girl. Several months later I had to have my little dog put to sleep who had been my soul mate for 5 years. Two souls I loved deeply I had to choose to let go. I then started to suffer from depression and throughout my next pregnancy I struggled, especially when I knew I was having a boy. However, he is now 4 yrs old and I love him dearly. I went on anti-depressants following this pregnancy, which I continued to take for 4 years to include my recent pregnancy in 2006. I was depressed throughout this pregnancy, or more anxious I suppose. When I discovered it was another boy, I was devastated. I came off my tablets when he was born and have been determined to staff off them, but the tiredness and the pressures of my voluntary work have taken its toll, and this week I have gone back on medication, which has made me feel a failure really. No matter what tablets I am given, nothing can bring back the little girl I have lost. Through my voluntary work I meet many people who have lost babies and we all agree, nothing can fill that void, you never really get over it, but with help, you learn to cope and to live with it. It is SO important to talk to others following the loss of your baby, at whatever stage of pregnancy and for whatever reason. It is part of the healing process. It effects so many people, unyet it is rarely acknowledged by society. I would strongly recommend anyone suffering pregnancy loss to seek out a local support group, ask for counselling via your GP or phone one of the national helplines like SANDS. By not talking about your loss, it is a recipe for PNI. Take care everyone. Jenny x
|
|
|
Post by elisavoula on Nov 15, 2007 23:12:40 GMT
Hi ladies..thanks all so much for your replies..I shall write in detail and re-read all your posts when I get some time to myself. I attended a SIDS and Kids support group the other day here in Sydney, AUstralia and found it helpful. I guess however, due to the complicated nature of my story compared to the other couples. I think this website forum it sounds like you are all sadly more familiar with my kind of experience and it really does make a difference to have someone who knows how you might be feeling.
Please take care all.. Love Katherine oxoxo
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 16, 2007 18:34:36 GMT
Hi Katherine
I am glad you found the support group helpful and hope you continue to attend. We will also still ne here for you for support as well.
Look after yourself
WG x
|
|
|
Post by marion on Nov 17, 2007 14:50:34 GMT
Hi Katherine
As Winegirl sais, that is great that you found a support group. I really hopes is helps you to be with others in a similar position to you. Please let us know how you get on. We are still all here for you.
Love Marion.
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Nov 18, 2007 10:34:28 GMT
Hi Katherine
I just wanted to say that I have been following your post but until now did not feel I could post as I am still grieving for a baby I lost at a very early stage in prgnancy some 4 years ago. I had tried to block this memory as I didn't know how to deal with it, yet hearing from you and some of the others has actually helped me with this. So firstly thank you. I also wanted to say how lovely it was for you to use Elisavoula as your forum name, it shows she is still very much alive in your heart. Please continue to post on here. I have found some true friends on this site and I'm sure you will too.
|
|
|
Post by elisavoula on Nov 20, 2007 2:07:07 GMT
******WARNING: THIS WILL TRIGGER****
Hi ladies...
Thanks all so much for your heartfelt support and concern.
let's see if I can write you a brief (?) story of what happened:
*4 years ago on Nov 25th, 2003 I found out I was pregnant...amazing joy! *spotting and strong abdominal pain for several weeks....discovered I had a v large ovarian cyst; morning sickness from Dec 26th....vomiting, severe sensitivity to odours of any kind and lots of pelvic pain *at 12 weeks a day after a very "rough" ultrasound..internal and belly one....I ended up in hospital with loss of blodd and amniotic fluid...obstetrician sent me for an ultrasound to "see if there is anything left"! I was doubled over in abdominal pain but the the ultrasound showed baby was ok. *I had genetic testic and even an amniocentesis and they all came back clear..they couldn't explain what happened and treated me with antibiotics and bedrest. *I spent the next few months pretty much lying in bed or on the couch in a lot of discomfort and no company - hubby was working fulltime. Mum came and stayed with me for a while until i felt a bit better (she lives interstate) * I ended up seeing obstetrician weekly since then for the rest of my pregnancy, weekly ultrasounds etc * they discovered one of her kidneys was enlarged and not functioning but said the baby would be ok with just the one * I spent my pregnancy just at home..hardly anyone came to see me...no in-laws really (I had moved to Sydney after I got married..all my family except for a younger bro was in Melbourne) They had seen how my husband would get things for me while i sat up in the couch and they had told him "she's not an invalid..she's only pregnant". tehy had no idea what I was going through being they were never there for me. *nothing else major was detected until 32 weeks where they told us our baby had CDH and that the lungs had not fully formed because the diaphragm didn't fully form and the majority of the intestines had been pushed up into that space; they also detected an abnormliy with the heart but said that they could fix that early in the baby's life so had seen a heart specialist for babies and all... * I even had an MRI when I was about 35 weeks pregnant for them to get a closer look at my baby's problems...one of the most horrifying experiences of my life...I already felt dead..was severely depressed but my obstetrician only kept saying that "you have the worst pregnancy I have ever come across" and did nothing. *I thankfully had some close friends come to visit me before the MRi and they boosted my spirits a bit..by that time I could hardly walk et alone turn in bed without severe pain shooting through my middle. * A couple of days before my birthday I ended up in emergency with severe abdominal pain and was left on an examination table for the entire night because they had no beds...i was diagnosed with renal cholic and in the morn when I didn't turn up for my obs appt..i had my hubby call them afterwards to tell them where I was at...surprisingly my obstetrician turned up within about 30mins and told off the staff for not even monitoring my baby etc... umm the actually physical pain...excruciating...he told me that it was equivalent if not worse to giving birth...it took many hours for the morphine to kick in..I was in another world really.... *after surviving all that...i had been booked in for a C section Aug 2nd being that my baby was in breech presentation and due to the known complications of her health (by this time...my original obstetrician said he couldn't look after me any more b/c of the complexity of the baby's problems and I was referred to a public hospital's high risk pregnancy unit which took over my care.. **My waters broke on July 22nd at 5am....I happened to just be lying in bed....I froze..couldn't move..(not that that was unusual for me at the time)..hubby called for an ambulance because I said I couldn't get up at all...they arrived in about 20mins I think?? then they called for another ambulance too being they couldn't get me downstairs...then when I made it to the ambulance...my contractions started..they freaked out and instead of taking us to the special public hospital that was waiting for me..they took us to the closest one despite my urging to do otherwise...finally after I arrived at the wrong hospital..they prepped me for a casaerian and finally called my original obstetrician who told them off and put me back in the ambulance and whisked me off to the right hospital...I arrived there around 8am... *They rushed me straight into theatre where they were waiting for me...they tried to check how far I was dilated and I remember the pain and I actually screamed and cried...they apologised and then gave me a spinal block and tried again..said they couldn't wait any longer and i lay down and got wheeled into the operating theatre.. * there was the lovely anaesthetist that spoke to me the whole time they operated ..called Elizabeth (I'll never forget her big blue eyes and smile)......hubby came in too all dressed up..i wanted to be awake for the operation knowing I wouldn't get much of a chance to see him/her..and they had told us that our baby wouldn't be able to cry when born and it would need immediate life support..within minutes...she was born...and she CRIED...hubby and I cried and for a moment we were happy and excited anfd thought..just what if by some miracle they were wrong...it only lasted a moment...they brought her to us on a special trolley once they got the tubes into her to support her breathing etc...we saw her for a few seconds...she was absolutely beautiful...hubby told me how he's keep his promise...so we named her "Elisavoula" after my mum....and he gave her a middle name "Hera"...he said "for strength" and he was sent out with her to wait at the neonatal intensive care unit whicle I was being stiched up etc....the rest of the operation took 40mins and then i was wheeled into recovery....I don't recall feeling much when I was there...numb...but I knew I wanted to see her * they wheeled me out of recovery when it was time to get me to the ward..and I got to see her very briefly before they administered the morphine... *I ended up in a maternity ward with 3 other women....a BIG mistake...as they all had their babies with them and they kept asking about mine etc. *It wasn't until late in the evening that I got to see Elisavoula...I didn't see much of hubby either as he was with her most of the time as I was left to sleep?? I don't really know what I did. * I remember her in the intensive care crib with all these tubes attached to her...was so painful to see she was struggling so much..I was too scared to pick her up let alone touch her..but the nurses came over and said that she was stable and I should hold her...hubby and I cried a lot...he said he hadn't picked her up or touched her because he wanted me to do that first. *I was exhausted...but everything I saw..I couldn't close my eyes until they made me go and get some rest etc.. *The next day she was transferred to the children's hospital neonatal intensive care unit..I didn't get to see her till the evening...and a social worker came and apologised for the mistake...and gave me my own room. *The following day....we were told of the really bad news of other health problems they found and ran through the serious of operations required to "improve" things...they couldn't correct some things and couldnt guarantee that she would even survive the first operation. I was stunned..in shock..I couldn't really feel...I just kept telling my hubby "I don't want her to be in pain"...whatever that meant. *That evening we had her christened a pastor came and performed the ceremony at the hospital...it brought me some peace. *On 25th July....we made the most heart-wrenching decision to withdraw her life support...an experience I will never forget...I though it would be over in a few minutes...but her time of death was 9:30pm...we had been holding her since early afternoon...she lived longer than we ever thought. So many times I thought to try and have them put it all back...but I couldn't..and she made the very sad hiccup sound for a long time and it slowly stopped...what do you say after you've cried and cried and said whatever you could think of and you just sit their holding your baby struggling for life in your arms?...helpless... (We had them bump up her morphine as they had reduced it and she had been moving about a bit and expressing what looked like pain before removing the tubes) * I had actually told my husband that I wanted to hold her while they withdrew life support and he said that it was ok because he didn't want to...but after a while...when he saw how much he really wanted to hold her too...so we shared that. A memory I'll never forget...and we did get to bathe her afterwards and I managed to stand up for just a few minutes and cradle her in my arms and sing a little lullabye..I remember telling my hubby..."This is what I have been hanging out to do!" Then we tucked her in a crib and hubby wheeled me out to our awaiting families..not much was said...we were all cried out...
I'll continue this in another post....but umm..yeah you are right..this does help regardless of how excruciating it is. You can reply to this post for a bit..and I can continue my story about what happened afterwards with regards to my ilness etc. Gee I am quite...fatigued.
Love you all and thanks for your time.
Love Katherine (Elisavoula's mum)
|
|
|
Post by gizmoracer on Nov 20, 2007 8:24:10 GMT
Katherine you are so strong to have come out the other side of that. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I hope it has helped you. There isn't much more I can say really, just wanted to reply before I had to go out. I think you know yourself what you did was right for her. Only a true mother can understand that and not want their child to suffer, she is far safer and happier living in your heart.
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Nov 20, 2007 8:42:41 GMT
Katherine,
I'm crying as I read what you have written. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Even though little Elisavoula wasn't on this earth for very long, she has a special place in your heart, and this will always be so.
A special hug
Scarlet X
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Nov 20, 2007 9:07:54 GMT
Katherine
You have been through so much, I dont really know what to say actually. I really hope talking about this can help you and we can continue to support you.
Sending you all my love
WG x
|
|
|
Post by marion on Nov 20, 2007 10:35:57 GMT
Hi Katherine
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your little one was and is so loved. I hope you find the support you need on this website. I know it has helped me enourmously writing on here and the ladies here are fantastic.
Lots of love Marion.
|
|
|
Post by monica on Nov 20, 2007 11:15:28 GMT
Hello Katherine
It must have been so hard for you to write your story especially the final moments of your precious child's life - I'm sure it must hurt so much but i hope you do find peace by doing that.
Just imagining the pain and difficulty of the pregnancy, birth and those hours that followed has brought tears to my eyes. But you did everything you could and her final hours were spent with the people who loved her the most - mummy and daddy.
Thinking of you
Love
Monica
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Nov 20, 2007 12:26:26 GMT
Dear Katherine
Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story here - I know it must have been so very hard for you to do.
But I hope that in a way it will help
Your story is in a way a celebration of Elisavoula and her short life. She is in our hearts now as well, and I know we have never met but hers and your story has touched many people including me.
I was wondering how life is for you and your husband now - how life has continued after this?
But you do not need to tell us, as this is up to you what you share here. Just to say I will be thinking of you as I am sure will many others
Veritee XX
|
|
|
Post by cheshire on Nov 20, 2007 14:05:52 GMT
Dear Katherine,
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Yes, I am also thinking of youx
Love, Hopefulx
|
|
|
Post by elisavoula on Dec 2, 2007 6:23:35 GMT
hello ladies...
Thank you all so much for your replies. You are very compassionate souls and I thank you for your support. I haven't logged on here for some time as I jave recently found out that I am pregnant!! I found out on 20th November and my first thought was "wow...a baby brother or sister for Elisavoula!" then I almost fell off the loo seat at home *giggle** I'm still stunned I am pregnant so quickly as it was only our second attempt and well..sex just the once and gee really very overwhelming.
I am really excited and yet so scared. I am having the worst anxiety and now my nausea is kicking in...I am in only my 6th week. I am waiting to be advised of an appt for the high risk pregnancy clinic at the hospital. I've been spotting for last 5 days and it is a concern. I am having trouble sleeping and am trying to deal with all my flashbacks and fears. This pregnancy is running parrallel to Elisavoula's..I am due July 31st (I had Elisavoula July 22nd).
My husband is very supportive and we have only told my mum so that she can support me from early on. I will tell my brothers at New year's and hubby's family was after 12 weeks..basically as long as we can avoid it (hubby's idea..and I am happy with it as they rarely mak the effort to visit).
I had a good cry today as I looked through my little album of pics of Elisavoula. It helps me to cry but ti doesn't happen much. I am focussing on trying to stay relaxed and am on no medications so I really gotto take it easy and no stress.
It's an exciting time and a v scary one. Been praying a lot..it really helps. I might go and visit the priest at the local church for a blessing.
Thanks again for thinking of me...and I will try and write again soon.
I am hoping all goes well for a "sticky" pregnancy.
Love Katherine ooxx
|
|