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Post by twindaddy on Jun 9, 2008 9:05:01 GMT
Thought I would put a post up here because I don't know what else to do.
My wife and I have twins that are two years old. Wife has had PNI since they were born. I have tried to help as much as I can, e.g. making sure I take the twins to my mums on Saturday PM, putting them into nursery 1 day a week, drawing up a rota of housework that I will do (wife has a habit of doing housework when kids aren't there even though I keep telling her that kids are with me/at nursery to give her a break).
We have had recent bad news in that my wife miscarried a few months ago. Pregnancy was unplanned but it has still hit us both hard.
I now feel like I am getting to the end of my tether and just want to walk away from it all. Wife is being more and more verbally abusive to me. She may have PNI but in my view it is not an excuse to be abusive, least of all to someone who is trying to help.
The latest abuse has left me in tears in my office for the past hour (I work in my own business).
I also feel that all the problems she has are the direct result of me or something I have done.
I do love my wife but the abuse is driving a big wedge between us and making me not want to help anymore. I adore my kids and want what is best for them, but I just seem to have a big black cloud around me even though it is sunny outside.
We have been to HV and the doctor. We have had help from Home Start and Sure Start. Wife is going to conselling today and has also suggested relate.
I know that you can't put an exact time on how long PNI will last, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the situation and struggling because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel (e.g. "it will all have gone away in x months").
Some might read this and ask "are you a man or a mouse" - I don't know anymore. Can anyone else give me some other ideas of what might help?
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Post by cheshire on Jun 9, 2008 9:14:50 GMT
I really do feel for you - and I'm sure my husband would if he had read this.
PNI has put a tremendous strain on our relationship, but we have got throught it. We argued alot and I think I took alot of how I was feeling out on my husband - it was VERY difficult not to do this. It's difficult to know what to advise - but I think my husband would suggest trying not to take it too personally, it is a symptom of the illness. I understand that this is a very difficult thing to do, but your unconditional support/ all practical help will actually be very helpful, even if not openly appreciated
PNI is different for everyone, but it can certainly last for more than 2 years for some.
Perhaps you also need some support - it might be worth tlaking to your GP? Perhaps some counselling and chance for you to offload might be helpful.
Keep in touch & let us know how you get on.
Hopefulx
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Post by sianyc on Jun 9, 2008 9:30:47 GMT
I also feel that all the problems she has are the direct result of me or something I have doneThis is absolutely not the case. It may feel like that and she may even say that, but from my own PNI I can say that it won't be because of you. Before I went to the HV and GP and took meds I was HORRIBLE to my oh. I only found out a 6 months ago that he had spoken to a friend's husband about leaving as he thought I would be better off without him and that he was the cause of my behaviour. I would scream at him, call him names, swear, threaten to leave, tell him how useless he was - the list goes on to be honest and typing this now I feel ashamed of how I treated him. I just couldn't control it. I'm not sure how to explain it other than it's like it wasn't me. I would snap and couldn't rein it in. He got it in the neck because he was the closest person to me. The only other person I ever lost it with (apart from the kids ) was my little sister when she was visiting me. I'm not saying she's right to behave like this, it's definately not right, but it's not the real her and she will come out of the other side of this. Is she taking any medication to help her? I found that this was a turning point for me and although I did still have outbursts, they were much fewer and therefore manageable for my oh I think. You are helping by doing housework, taking the kids out and putting them in nursery. Will she respond at all if you try sitting her down and talking about how she feels? My oh did this a few times and it really shocked me when he explained what my behaviour was doing to him. Perhaps another GP visit would help to discuss meds or a change in meds or alternative therapies - I was at my worst when PMT joined PNI (sorry to much info but it could help) and take evening primrose and Vit b supplements to try to level off the mood swings. I did take Agnus Castus for this too for a while after coming off meds to help with moods. Stick with it - it does get better and she will get through it. She couldn't do without your help even if she is giving you the opposite impression. Hope that helps a bit - perhaps you wife would find this site useful if you feel up to pointing her in this direction?
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Post by Twindaddy on Jun 9, 2008 9:59:35 GMT
Hopeful - thanks, I am due to see the doctor myself at the end of the month. I do feel that I need some help myself in coping with the situation (however I have told different doctors this over the past 12 months).
Sianyc - thanks for your words too. Wife is currently on Anti D's and has good days and bad. Just seem unable to cope at times and loses it with me. We do try to talk but I am not the most communicative of people - I am trying to help in practical ways. She does use another forum to speak about how she feels, but she has then had a go at me for reading it - so I don't anymore.
I should be more thick-skinned, but the bitterness and hatred that seem to appear when she does lose it with me is becoming too much. I'm scared that, despite me doing what I can to help, her going to conselling and on medication, that this is never going to change.
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Post by Scarlet on Jun 9, 2008 11:39:17 GMT
Hi TwinDaddy, Please hang in there, it will get better. I think it's been doubly hard for your wife, having twins and I have heard that PNI can be more prevalent in ladies who have multiples. Also you mentioned she has just recently miscarried. All these things put together could contribute to the duration of her illness so far.. Sounds like you are helping a much as you can. My husband was the same in that he offered practical help, but I felt so alone emotionally and couldn't talk to him for fear of him judging me. We also had some awful rows... and I too said terrible things (as did he). Sometimes I just wanted him to put his arms around me and other times I wanted him to leave me alone, I was so confused. PNI is such a terrible illness and it may appear that we are actually selfish and self-absorbed on the outside, but inside we are tormented by guilt and a lot of other emotions. You could say our emotions are raging, and in over-drive, and this includes anger and irritability as well. She is not angry at you, even though it seems that way, she is angry at herself and feels a failure in all aspects of life, that her confidence has been stripped as a mother and a wife, that she can't cope and has become so needy and dependent. PNI strips you of all these positive things.. Please don't walk away from her, this is one of the worst things that would happen, especially because she is so vulnerable emotionally at the moment, if you stick by her you will get your 'old' wife back in time, this is a self-limiting illness. It won't always be this way. Try to build her confidence as much as you can, avoid bickering, if you see a situation which is going to get out of hand walk away, she'll calm down. Recovery from this illness is very bumpy both for the sufferer and the spouse. Emotions (mood swings) can change in an instant, but as time passes you will notice that your wife will have more good moments. You are right it's not an excuse to be abusive, perhaps you should talk to her and say that if she is feeling in a negative mood to just walk out of the room and be on her own for a while. I think relate sounds like a good idea, and perhaps you will notice a difference in her mood when she sees the counsellor, sounds like you could use some support as well. I know that you can't put an exact time on how long PNI will last, but I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the situation and struggling because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel Sadly we can't say how long it will last for, but from experience we can tell you that it will go eventually, and it will go much quicker if she has support from you and other family members/medical professionals. I don't think it's anything to do with being a man or a mouse, it's such a difficult time for all concerned and with the best will in the world it can lead to relationship difficulties. But it will change, I promise you...that's why I'm telling you to hang in there. Please know we are always here for you if you want to offload. We have been there x
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Post by monica on Jun 9, 2008 15:45:44 GMT
Hello
You are such a wonderful husband - I just want to reassure you that it is not you. PNI affects people in different way and lashing out at the ones closest to you is very common. It must be so hard to be at the receiving end of this.
I'm so sorry about your miscarriage - it is such a difficult thing to deal with. Again the loss of your baby not to mention hormones due to the pregnancy and loss could well have made her feel worse - angry, furstrated, devastated to mention a couple. You are right PNI isn't justification of abusive behaviour but it is a reason.
I'm so pleased you are going to dr and relate. Do you get a break yourself? Do you have any time for any outside interests/hobbies. I imagine this wouod be very hard but you also need a bit of 'me' time to unwind just as much as your wife.
Just a thought, perhaps your wife would wnat to read some of the posts on here - I'm sure there would be much she could relate t0.
As for time frame, for some they bounce back quickly for others it takes longer - I had it for 2 1/4 years. She will recover, though.
monica
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Post by winegirl on Jun 9, 2008 19:39:16 GMT
Hi twindaddy
There is little that I can add to what has already been said. I am glad you have decided to talk to your GP about how you are feelin, I think it is quite sad that in the midst of this horrible illness our husbands/partners often get overlooked, when the impact is just as big on you too.
I became abusive to my Husband too, but I can honestly say looking back that I meant none of it. One of the most common symptoms with PNI is erratic behaviour, and that is all this is. Although I guess that doesnt help you when you are on the receiving end.
Stick with it. PNI can be a long illness, its different for everyone, but you have to focus on the fact that it does go and there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you and your wife should come out of this a stronger couple.
Please feel free to coma back and talk to us anytime x
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by twindaddy on Jun 12, 2008 20:27:05 GMT
Thank you for all of your comments. They have gone some way to restoring some of my faith in that many of you say that your husbands have also had to deal with the same thing that I am having to deal with.
It would just be nice if every now and again my wife would tell me that she doesn't mean to be abusive and doesn't mean what she says - as has been mentioned, it's very difficult to keep the support up when the abuse is relentless.
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Post by winegirl on Jun 12, 2008 20:30:45 GMT
Hi Twindaddy
Yeah, the freaky thing with PNI is the sufferers are rarely aware of their moodswings which may be why she is not apologising. Hang in there pal, it will come right, and you guys could come out of this so much stronger and closer.
I hope your babies are ok and you are both coping ok? We are here for you and your wife if you need us xx
Take Care
WG x
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Post by rocker on Aug 4, 2008 14:28:24 GMT
twindaddy, I know where you're coming from, I'd gotten so used to the abusive way of being spoken to I hadn't even mentioned it in my post on here today, and like you all I'd like is for her to say "sorry I know you're trying to help"
pm me if you need a chat or just to release some of the frustration
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Post by twindaddy on Aug 30, 2009 21:18:31 GMT
Thought that I would write by way of an update.
It is some time since I last posted, and a lot has gone on in this time. I have concluded that my wife, the mother of our children, is a narcissist.
She left on Friday with the kids, and refuses to allow me to see the children. Her dad has threatened the police if I were to turn up.
In order to attempt to preserve some semblance of sanity, I have decided to file for divorce once the solicitors open on Tuesday morning.
I took heart from one comment I read in that "she will be grateful for your support when she gets better" - unfortunately she never was grateful, maybe she never got better (maybe she never wanted to?).
Sorry that this will not be what everyone wants to hear, but sometimes you just can't do right for doing right.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 31, 2009 7:23:38 GMT
Oh I am so sorry to hear that..
Can I ask why her father isthreatening to ring the police if you go near? On what grounds?
The thing to do now is fight for your kids. You may have lost her, but you will never lose your children.
I am so sorry, and please talk here if it helps at all??
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by twindaddy on Aug 31, 2009 12:38:36 GMT
Basically I have been told to stay away so that everyone doesn't get upset again - apparantely everyone is happy there with me off the scene. As far as I am concerned I have given the "breathing space" needed (which I think was generous), but still no word of when I may see the kids.
From the advice I have garnered from other sources on the internet, where contact with children is withheld, you must attempt to communicate with the withholder and try to get them to see reason before going down the court route. I have done this via rext message and was met with the response "I have things to sort out, I'll let you know".
She was coming back with her dad at 11am to collect some things, so I have come to work to get out of the way. She did say she would tell me when she was leaving, so I am now worried that either a) she has "reclaimed" the house (even though she has said she hates living there and in this town), or b) she has got what she needs and just hasn't bothered to tell me she has gone. I hope b) is correct.
Rest assured I will be doing all I can to see my kids.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 31, 2009 15:21:56 GMT
Best of luck with it twindaddy...
Yes, so all you can - turn up on the doorstep if you have to and make it known that you have rights! I thik sometimes it gets ignored that fathers love and need to see thier kids as much as their mums do.. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage, and when we had our little girl his ex wife moved nearly 200 miles away - it broke his heart - but he still goes down very regularly to see them.
I hope when you get home it is still your home??
WG xx
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Post by sianyc on Sept 1, 2009 15:07:29 GMT
I'm so sorry things have turned out this way for you. I hope you get contact with the kids soon (for your sake and theirs).
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