Post by horse on Aug 21, 2008 7:05:16 GMT
Hi there I am a daughter in law of a lady who had/has post natal depression. I am dealing with the fallout of a clash with her son (my husband). She had a miscarriage and then suffered a bereavement of her father. Then 6 months on apparently she was "over it" and conceived her son.
My husband has always said he has no love in the conventional way for his mother, that she doesn't care about him the way she does the other sons. She doesn't support or believe in him. He has suffered memory loss due to childhood accidents and we think due to circumstances. He remembers nothing from an age I do. its strange.
This has resurfaced as he has discovered this lack of memory where his restored friend is convinced they were best buddies at that age. His mother denies all knowledge of this friend also but other confirm its true.
He was asking about his childhood what it was like. He was looked after from age 0 to 5 years by a nanny, he remembers nothing of this. He has reviewed old phtographs and finds his mother never touching him always his father is closer, the supporter.
Anyway his questions led to an argument and his mother said he had not achieved anything even not looking after his own children properly...harsh words and then turned on his father for defending his son. She will not talk about the past and she shys away changing the subject. Always the laugh and the of course you did x y z like your brothers of course you got to do x y z.
My husband has always said his mother says comments but with a snide twist. I dismissed this always as she is a lovely lady and loves her family well but I noticed more recently the remarks to and about my husband come to the smae point oh he did this or that but never achieved I told him to give and and do something else. Yet another son who is in divorced making no living depending on his parents again is not a failure she cooks and cleans for him and expects not much of him.
So this lady I feel had PNI with her son and was not treated and it has led to a difference in her relationship with him, they have never been friends, tolerably get along she will cook him breakfast when he stays and looks after us all. She has helped me out on numerous occasions also with no trouble. Yet now this big explosion argument she was going to leave that very day. And now she acts like nothing happened and has never apologised and so it will all go unsaid. I think its guilt she feels that there is no maternal love there. And she will not discuss as its a generation away from today. But because of our big event life change and the argument has left a rift with my husband he will not want to visit his childhood home if she is there he will not send her a card etc. She will not be welcome in our house if he is there. It was her birthday, I sent flowers from me and the children to say thankyou for her help for us but she ignored the fact her son is upset.
Should I leave it and ignore it or try to talk to her about it, I am thinking about leaving it to cool for now but later perhaps I should explain the argument from my husbands viewpoint is not closed she hurt him and she is hurting too.
She has led a tough life living with all men she has no close female friends only relatives its really tough for her. But the fallout is my husband is now on a "spiritual" quest of discovery into the psychology of mother and son, I am trying to keep his feet on the ground.
He (my husband) had one incident when I and the children were not there when he first learned his real history about the miscarriage and then his conception from his father. (His father is very matter of fact and thinks his wife behaviour is due to "the change" - which she has been going through for 10 years so I suspect she is over it and just keeps him guessing. He does not credit PNI a cause) My husband said he came close to thinking seriously silly thoughts about suicide and he said he never considered me or his children at the time. Luckily he got over it but a lesser person might not have and then it would be tragedy all round.
What a roller coaster of emotion.
I have been lucky I little PNI with my own children only the mildest from the shock of having a baby in my life and all that means. As all I regret some actions with my first and I hope they will not suffer for it. The younger 2 have benefitted from my parenting skills I learnt with my first. My first had a nanny when I returned to work and I was insanely jealous of the attachment to the nanny though I assure you I didn't interfere. My first remembers the nanny well, where my husband remembers almost nothing which is very strange.
thanks
My husband has always said he has no love in the conventional way for his mother, that she doesn't care about him the way she does the other sons. She doesn't support or believe in him. He has suffered memory loss due to childhood accidents and we think due to circumstances. He remembers nothing from an age I do. its strange.
This has resurfaced as he has discovered this lack of memory where his restored friend is convinced they were best buddies at that age. His mother denies all knowledge of this friend also but other confirm its true.
He was asking about his childhood what it was like. He was looked after from age 0 to 5 years by a nanny, he remembers nothing of this. He has reviewed old phtographs and finds his mother never touching him always his father is closer, the supporter.
Anyway his questions led to an argument and his mother said he had not achieved anything even not looking after his own children properly...harsh words and then turned on his father for defending his son. She will not talk about the past and she shys away changing the subject. Always the laugh and the of course you did x y z like your brothers of course you got to do x y z.
My husband has always said his mother says comments but with a snide twist. I dismissed this always as she is a lovely lady and loves her family well but I noticed more recently the remarks to and about my husband come to the smae point oh he did this or that but never achieved I told him to give and and do something else. Yet another son who is in divorced making no living depending on his parents again is not a failure she cooks and cleans for him and expects not much of him.
So this lady I feel had PNI with her son and was not treated and it has led to a difference in her relationship with him, they have never been friends, tolerably get along she will cook him breakfast when he stays and looks after us all. She has helped me out on numerous occasions also with no trouble. Yet now this big explosion argument she was going to leave that very day. And now she acts like nothing happened and has never apologised and so it will all go unsaid. I think its guilt she feels that there is no maternal love there. And she will not discuss as its a generation away from today. But because of our big event life change and the argument has left a rift with my husband he will not want to visit his childhood home if she is there he will not send her a card etc. She will not be welcome in our house if he is there. It was her birthday, I sent flowers from me and the children to say thankyou for her help for us but she ignored the fact her son is upset.
Should I leave it and ignore it or try to talk to her about it, I am thinking about leaving it to cool for now but later perhaps I should explain the argument from my husbands viewpoint is not closed she hurt him and she is hurting too.
She has led a tough life living with all men she has no close female friends only relatives its really tough for her. But the fallout is my husband is now on a "spiritual" quest of discovery into the psychology of mother and son, I am trying to keep his feet on the ground.
He (my husband) had one incident when I and the children were not there when he first learned his real history about the miscarriage and then his conception from his father. (His father is very matter of fact and thinks his wife behaviour is due to "the change" - which she has been going through for 10 years so I suspect she is over it and just keeps him guessing. He does not credit PNI a cause) My husband said he came close to thinking seriously silly thoughts about suicide and he said he never considered me or his children at the time. Luckily he got over it but a lesser person might not have and then it would be tragedy all round.
What a roller coaster of emotion.
I have been lucky I little PNI with my own children only the mildest from the shock of having a baby in my life and all that means. As all I regret some actions with my first and I hope they will not suffer for it. The younger 2 have benefitted from my parenting skills I learnt with my first. My first had a nanny when I returned to work and I was insanely jealous of the attachment to the nanny though I assure you I didn't interfere. My first remembers the nanny well, where my husband remembers almost nothing which is very strange.
thanks