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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 19, 2008 8:36:38 GMT
:'(Thanks Monica
Cuts absolutely killing me, cant sleep properly cause cant get comfy, head spinning. My knee hurts more havent looked under my dressings but hip has been bleeding. The Dr who stitched me asked me what was the thinking behind cutting my hip cause there is only fatty tissue and no major arteries so Im not going to do any major harm - is he crazy - felt like saying sorry Ill make sure I do more damage next time. He said I should ring cpn or liaison team (were all in a meeting when he rang) when i got home but I didnt cause dont want anyone to know and think Im just attention seeking.
Not good yesterday either, felt physically so drained like im going into meltdown, managed to get to shop for something for lunch but was seeing two of the cashier, next thing Im on the floor and they rang an ambulance. They checked me out and got oh back from work (again) and wanted me to go to A&E but not going back third time in three days, they said ok and took me home to rest. Even when I was laid down my head was going funny.
Had talk with oh - told him how deep Id actually gone and that it was getting dangerous, the Dr said might have to have op but got second opinion and I didnt thankfully. He doesnt know what to do or say to me at mo but is being really good, also told him id stopped taking meds this week cause absolutely pissed off and dont think they work, he said my body is probably reacting to not having them and i cant just stop cold turkey. Is this why I passed out? I dont know whether just a virus thing cause feeling weird all week with banging head and v painful neck, jaw, shoulders and back.
Anyway didnt ring cpn cause I dont think he's in this week (apart from mon tues, and i missed appt on tues) and didnt want to talk to anyone any way.
OH gone to a meeting but back soon which is good I think my "binge" of s/h has curbed my urges for now - still so much pain, just feel very fragile like i need someone around to help me cope.
I want so much to scream and cry but numb just feel very very low.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 19, 2008 9:24:02 GMT
Hi Babes
I would def say you are suffering alot with withdrawls from the meds. When you come off them you are supposed to cut down gradually, but as you have gone cold turkey you really will be feeling it - you poor thing..
Do you think this week has been a bit of a wake up call with the salf harming? All sounds pretty scary. Do you think you would now consider trying some different meds?
You know where I am xxxx
WG x
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Post by monica on Sept 20, 2008 6:19:02 GMT
Hi
Agree with WG going cold turkey can be dreadful. Sending you a huge hug! how are you feel today? AR ethe cuts stillr eally hurting? Do be kind to yourself and let yourself heal emotionally and physically.
Love
Monica
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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 20, 2008 10:38:46 GMT
Hi will try and come back later, but yes very scary week, s/h getting dangerous and it did shake me up. Feeling slightly different this morning, bit of hope in my head for a change and feel hungry (something i havent felt in months).
I know Im a nutter going cold turkey but sick and tired of everyone telling me what to do and pissed off with the meds not doing anything. I want to take control of my life again!!!
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Post by winegirl on Sept 20, 2008 12:07:09 GMT
Hey babes
Make the most of feeling hungry! Once you start eating you will feel like you can keep eating.
Hope to catch up with you later when you have got a bit more time xx
WG x
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Post by bean not logged on on Sept 20, 2008 21:23:31 GMT
:'(Im so very tired. Im in agony with my head neck shoulders and back. Cant get comfy sat anywhere. Went for short walk together with joe on his bike today was shattered when i got back. Had to have sleep this afternoon.
Not quite sure hwo im feeling cause just suffering physically I feel like ive been in a car crash.
Weird dreanms again, lots of different ones.
Knee not so bad tonight but side sore cause jeans waist rubbing, hard to get laid right in bed especially cause martha feeding lots still, tried giving her bottle for bed but she would only have so much then kicked off and wouldnt settle until I fed her.
Dont feel like harming and do need to let myself heal like you said Monica.
Going to have cuppa and try to settle, need to switch brain off but not easy, dreading next week (seeing shrink Tuesday and dont want to face her) but Ill deal with that then. Just think nice things, martha laughing at me, joe coming down last night looking like super nerd with his shirt and cape on, daniel giving me big hug - think of these then try to sleep.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 20, 2008 21:40:00 GMT
Oh sweetie what a great idea! Im gonna try that in a minute when i get off to bed, thinking of all the lovely things before nodding off.
Hope you sleep well babes and you get a bit of rest from the aches and pains tonight. Thinking of you xx
WG x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 21, 2008 10:18:18 GMT
How did you sleep last night mate?? Hope you are feeling a bit better from the aches and pains??
Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by bean on Sept 22, 2008 20:04:24 GMT
Hi WG
Still feeling the same, when I turn my head it takes a few seconds for the inside to catch up, Im even feeling dizzy when I lay down. My jaw, neck and shoulders are so tight and painful and I keep getting flutters in my chest- what an effing moaning cown I am!
Saw therapist today, quite agitated when I got there, I had planned what I wanted to do but we got sidetracked, I just dont know how to do it, its like someone takes my voice when I try to say something important. We both dont know what to do to help me, she thinks my child needs to tell her story and Im stopping her (thinking Im protecting her) and turning my rage on myself. I dont know if this will help me, is it going to change how I feel i dont know. I feel numb inside and i kept holding my throat and mouth and she said its cause I was told to so long ago that I cant break my silence now. (Im also reenacting when i do this).
I feel lost, I dont know the way. I trust her totally and know shes probably seen a thousand people like me but Ive never opened up and dont know how.
Talked about how deep I had cut last week and how I hadnt realised just how deep I was cutting when it was happening, like I was in the zone, and how this had scared me cause Im scared one day I will cause some major damage (physically anyway).
I just want to be able to do this but I dont think I can, not strong enough or clever enough to get it.
R back to work tomorrow so Im going to give myself lots of jobs to do if I can manage without flaking out, the house is a total pig sty and I have to keep busy so I dont start doing stupid things to myself. Im going to have a sleeping tablet soon to try to get sleepy, may have a go at designing my tattoo Im planning (another story for another day!).
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Post by winegirl on Sept 22, 2008 20:15:10 GMT
Definately interested in the tattoo design.. I just had another one this week, its very addictive..
All the physical symptoms you are experincing is totally anxiety related, I have had them all and they stink. But as you start to heal they will disappear...
I hope the sleeping tablet works tonight and you manage to get some rest hun, especially if you have a busy day planned cleaning tomorrow.
You are strong and clever enough to get it hun, and you will. But it aint gonna happen over night, you need to take it as it comes and give it a bit of time, but I know you will do it. Your therapist sounds fabulous and you do right to trust her, she talks alot of sense.
Take care tonight hun. I am off line soon as battery on laptop is dying but will be around for a while if you need talk xx
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by bean on Sept 22, 2008 20:42:59 GMT
whats your tattoo and where? im totally addicted to miami/la ink I joked with my cpn once that i might get my tattooist friend to do another one but with no ink - just for pain, i think he got the joke.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 22, 2008 20:45:51 GMT
I have a celtic H on my shoulder blade, a celtic design on my lower back and last week had my daughters initialls done on my wrist. It will sound awful, but I quite like the pain of a tattoo, darent tell my husband that though!
Let us know how you get on with your design?
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Post by bean on Sept 23, 2008 9:38:18 GMT
Feel v low today, lost and lonely, dont quite know what to do, cant think straight to do any writing, want to s/h so badly but fighting it up to now (long day ahead - r at work until 10pm) also, I promised someone id stay safe today, dont want to make anyone else feel bad on my behalf im not worth it.
Feel like Im a total burden to everyone who knows me.
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Post by bean on Sept 23, 2008 10:05:42 GMT
You know what, im thinking there is no end to this, my head wont let me rest or recover. I dont know what to do. Im starting to think i should go somewhere with Martha. I love her and the boys so much and know it would totally mess their heads up if i wasnt here but what am i doing to them being in this state? I even thought of going to A&E last night to get help so I didnt do anything stupid. If only I could sleep or think straight.
Just had phone call from oh - he's got to do the sleep tonight too, so wont be back until tomorrow afternoon - just what I need.
They dont deserve this!
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Post by winegirl on Sept 23, 2008 12:20:32 GMT
Hey babes
We will be here while you are home alone. Keep yourself busy and distracted till bed tome then get yourself some serious sleep.
If in future you consider going to a&e to stop yourself harming then just do it. Prevention better than cure and all that..
How you doing this afternoon??
WG xx
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