ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 6, 2009 13:31:15 GMT
Decided to start writing in here instead of the new member section. Posted our story in the birth section to give some background to how got to this point. Managed to grab some time to chill out while Caleb is having a nap. ::)He's been really hard work this morning we were late for the baby group as usual. He wouldn't eat his breakfast, is really off his solids at the moment which means he wants more milk, more pressure on me!!! Then had to run round to Doctors to give a blood and urine sample, more pointless tests that don't show anything. I didn't even bother ringing up to find out results of last swabs GP did they always come back normal!!! Still waiting for the phone to ring. Sup to be hearing from the potential job and the CPN about referring me to a psychologist, so leaving me hanging!!! Check the post everyday waiting for the scan appointment to come through. Back at GP's this afternoon, she will probably try and get me to start on some drugs still fighting it though. Hoping she has chased up what is happening with me going back to the hospital to see a different consultant, as my consultant has randomly retired!!! It's just been passed from pillow to post all the time!!! Will complain to her again about how painful the SPD is, has been really bad since yesterday doubt she will care. Better wake up little man and try get some dinner down him before go to GP's. Plus he needs his clothes changing after 'messy me' group this morning. Do love to see his little face light up seeing new exciting things to try so sweet!!!
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Mar 6, 2009 13:45:55 GMT
Hi hun
Just replied to your other post in the new members bit. Do you mind people posting in your diary?
xxxx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 6, 2009 18:12:06 GMT
No I don't mind at all if other people want to post in here ;D Just thought would move over here to make it a more permanent thing coming on to the forum. Head's all over the place was getting really irritable with Caleb this afternoon, feeling guilty about it now he's only a baby he doesn't do it on purpose. A disappointing appointment with the GP or maybe I'm always just so negative!!! She is chasing up the consultant and getting me an appointment with her and trying to get me over for a scan quicker for the internal pain I'm having. I asked if I could have some pills to help me sleep but she said can't cos I'm breastfeeding!!! Got stressed cos I told the CPN about some abuse that went on when I was a child and now GP questioning whether I should leave Caleb with my parents and enquiring how old my sisters are who still live with my parents!!! Got really scared that social services would go round and tell my parents what I had been saying, but why should I feel guilty it is only the truth!!! Rang my other sister who has moved out of home panicking but she said cos my other two sisters are over 18 don't think GP will take it further. I hate this I'm made to feel bad because I want to get help for things that happened to me that I had no control over but had to tell bloody professionals or won't get the help I need!!! Thinking now maybe I should just have kept my mouth shut about everything. I knew this would happen when I got referred my counselling for birth trauma that all the other stuff would end up been discussed. That's why I didn't wanna go for the counselling but I just couldn't cope any more with the flashbacks and nightmares and no sleep. Although nothing has improved since telling anyone so definitely thinking shouldn't have started down this road in the first place. I'm ever wondering if it's safe to write it on here as anyone could read it and might find out who I am so paranoid!!! Went and bought a bottle of wine just need the alcohol to calm myself down was getting panicky again so rang my sister but now getting worked up again and could really do with a drink. GP says we need to keep an eye on my drinking and might refer me to substance abuse services if I continue increasing my alcohol intake. I said to her it's not like I can control it. I've been in constant pain 24/ 7 for 7 months and the only time it's gone is when I have a few drinks. Yea I feel worse afterwards cos got some other stuff going on and makes me feel really sick and dizzy but for a few hours of pain free time I think it's worth it!!! Sorry am ranting the bloody NHS does my head in. You just get put on waiting lists to see people then they end up been the wrong people anyway and get referred to someone else. When you do see the right person they send you to someone else and don't follow you up so you have to go through the whole system again!!! This is after endless appointments complaining just to get referred!!! I'm so tired of it!!! God I feel so guilty writing this when Caleb is down on the floor playing. I wish he had a 'normal' (what ever that means) well adjusted mum!!! I try not to let any of this affect him but I know kids know when things are not right and I worry about him so much. I just want to be well again so I can be the best possible mum for him. I don't feel hungry at all at the minute which is really weird for me cos usually can't get food down my face fast enough!! Thought would have a pizza tonight with my wine for a treat. Still not heard from CPN or potential job. My sister said I should consider not taking the job anyway now I know I'm getting sick pay from my current job and with the SPD pain getting worse not better it probably is unrealistic to start a new job. I don't think I've got the job anyway sure they would have rung by now if had. Got appointment to see physio for ultrasound treatment on Mon means driving over to the city and my mum looking after Caleb but is only for an hour. Best if I take the car then I can escape from my mum's quicker otherwise have to stay until my boyfriend can pick me up after work which is like 7pm that's far too long to spend at my parents house!!! Gonna go put pizza in oven and open bottle of wine now
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Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2009 20:19:15 GMT
Joining you with Pizza and wine babes xxx
Dont worry about the questions re: your family. When I first saw my mental health team I was asked all sorts of questions about children that I was in contact with and I totally freaked about it! BUt it turns out that they only asked because they have to.. not because they want to go round causing trouble...
Best of luck for your appointment on monday, will be thinking of you and let us know how you get on??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 7, 2009 18:46:08 GMT
Had a stressful day today!!! Caleb woke up at 7am grrrr but boyfriend got up with him so I got a lie in ;D
Then boyfriend brought Caleb up at 11am for his milk and there was pus coming out of his ear!!! So I rang the emergency GP (tried bloody NHS Direct first phone just kept going dead) and had to drive him over to the hospital!!! I mean he seems ok in himself but has a horrible cold and his eye is infected again which it has been for two months and the GP just keeps giving me these crappy drops that doesn't work!!! Anyway doctor at hospital gave him some antibiotics but I drove over cos wanna get over my driving fears. Even driving during the day is getting difficult. I'm really trying to fight this stupid panicky thing got going on with driving but it doesn't help when boyfriend is in car moaning about his poor gear box!!!
Then he kept making comments about how I get too stressed over driving when there is no need too!!! I know there isn't any reason to get stressed about driving and I'm really trying not to but I can't help it at the moment!!! I still drove back though just to prove to myself I can do it even though felt like crap and wasn't getting any encouragement. I know he is knackered cos got up with Caleb but still I really struggle with driving at the minute could do with some support.
Sigh!!! Least got us out of the house otherwise end up staying in all weekend like every week. It's difficult at the minute cos both skint with me on sick pay now can't afford to go anywhere really. Is hard to make the effect to even walk into town and is all the housework to catch up on when gets to weekend. Only chance I get to do it cos am busy with Caleb on my own during the week.
Gonna text some mates and try go over to the city next Saturday cos work are pestering me about taking sick note in and wanting to know what's wrong with me and how long going to be off sick for. Will go in and see manager then hopefully go for a few drinks with me mates to chill out!!!
Booked myself on a training course for my voluntary work on Monday afternoon as well. Now debating whether to go with Caleb not been well, will see how he is tomorrow. It's a motivational and self-esteem skills course thought was relevant, especially way I'm feeling at the minute!!! Just feel like since the birth that I came out of that delivery roon missing a lot of things had before. Like self-esteem, confidence, motivation, my health, self-respect the list is endless!!! I started losing all that stuff and more the further I got through my pregnancy and then the birth just finished me off completely.
Still keep thinking am pregnant. Keep getting those 'phantom' pregnancy flutters like when the baby moves. I looked on the mum's circle forum on Facebook and a few mums had posted saying they got similar thing and weren't pregnant. But then looked on babycentre forum and it ended up some of them were pregnant! I might do another test in the morning to take calm myself down about it, will get no sleep again tonight worrying!!! Doesn't help that practically everyone I know is bloody pregnant at the minute or trying to get pregnant!!! Keep telling them all they are mad and should wait!!! Sometimes I envy them as some of them it is their first and I miss that naiveness you have when you don't know what to expect and you think it will all be perfect!!! My sister is going to a different hospital then the one I went to hoping it will make a difference!!! I don't want to scare her so I blame it on the hospital in front of her so she doesn't worry too much. She has already had problems with bleeding and she is only 9 weeks.
Already looking at the clock thinking is it acceptable to start drinking wine yet!!! Could make some food then it doesn't look as bad!!! Boyfriend doesn't agree with my drinking but actually got some sleep last night because had, had a drink!!! Hope he doesn't read this or I'll be in trouble!!!
Best go make some food and sort out the washing!!!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 7, 2009 18:49:14 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
Meant to say thanks for the reassurance about the questions CPN and GP were asking about my family. Think like you say I just panicked when your right it is only their job to ask these kind of questions!!!
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 8, 2009 1:08:27 GMT
I'm back on here again. I just don't know what else to do with all the stuff that's going round in my head I can't sleep so there's no point going to bed. I tried to talk to my boyfriend about it but he said "I know your depressed again but I'm really tired". So bollocks to it all will come here and rant instead!!!
I know he is tired and I did really appreciate him taking Caleb this morning so I could get some sleep for a change. He seems to never get chance to catch up on his sleep as he's up at 6am for work every morning than up with Caleb at the weekends to give me a break!!! That's why I think they'd both be better off without me as I'm just a burden.
Really depressed myself getting obsessed looking on the flaming internet about post natal physical illnesses and forceps births!!! Saw they did some research and 77% of women who had forceps still have problems physically and mentally a year later!!! The whole two sessions I had with the birth trauma counsellor before she referred me on cos I had a massive panic attack and couldn't settle for 5 days after our sessions!!! We did speak about forceps or instruct mental assisted births as they like to call them (which just doesn't do them justice I don't think anyway)!!! I didn't find what she said particularly helpful except that she acknowledged the fact that people had the idea that as long as you had a vaginal birth you had, had it easy in their eyes. Now I'm not saying that having a caesarean is by any means easy (I've not had one so I can't say either way but know mums who have and had a hard time)! It's just you seem to get acknowledged more as having a bad time if you've had a caesarean but if you've had forceps then your considered lucky as you gave birth 'naturally'. Although I cannot see anything natural about been trapped in stirrups and having large metal tongs shoved up you!!! Sorry know I'm been rather graphic in an unpleasant way tend to get like that when had wine and in a ranting mood!!!
Been looking on some other forums where mums have posted about forceps. Just wish they would find out what is wrong with me and sort it out!!! I know it's to do with what happened at the birth either the fact Caleb was trapped behind my bladder and they kept insisting it was just me not pushing when I was and I could feel the damage been done!!! Or it was the forceps!!! All I knew about forceps was the guys who invented them kept them a secret for ages and a picture I saw once in a history book at school of a bloke trying to deliver a baby with a blanket over the woman in stirrups cos men weren't allow to see women's bits!!! Plus someone in my boyfriend's family had, had forceps and the baby had died cos the doctor pulled to hard and snapped the baby's spinal cord!!! These images were all going through my head when they said forceps or caesarean. I had this idea that having a caesarean would be the worse thing ever so said forceps now I think I should have gone for the caesarean!!!
If I ever have another baby god forbid!!! Then sure I would go for caesarean, plus they recommend it when got SPD. I swear I'm pregnant keeping getting like feelings of 'baby' movements!!! I just don't know cos I can't trust myself these days my head feels so messed up at the minute I don't know what is real and what isn't some days. I really think sometimes I'm gonna wake up and still be pregnant and this is all some horrible nightmare. Not that Caleb is a nightmare. I had to go up and check on him before just to look at his little sweet face and remind myself why I went through all this crap. He is worth every second of it but I just wish I could still have him and not have, had to have gone through all this as well!!!
I think I'm selfish and ungrateful as some people can't have children and I'm sure they would think what I'm going through is nothing compared to not been able to have a child. I got a taste of it as it took me so long to get pregnant and all I wanted was a baby for so long. Now I feel like I have my baby but I'm not good for anything else!!! I'm in so much pain and discomfort all the time. I wish I could escape from my own body!!! I felt like that the whole time I was pregnant it was like this alien took over my body and I couldn't wait to get it back. Now I've got it back but it doesn't feel like it's mine any more, it's so damaged it's not worth having!!!
The GP pissed me off with her little summary of my 'conditions'. She can so easily put everything into little boxes and tick them off as been dealt with!!! Like the SPD that is now classed as under control!!! I said to her I wouldn't say that I'm still in constant pain with it so it's not like it's under control. Oh but I've got the crappy co-codomol which doesn't help at all!!! Least I'm back seeing physio on Monday she encourages me to keep doing my exercises and having the ultrasound treatment, which I'm not convinced makes any difference!!! Then the mental health team are dealing with my other issues but not heard back from them yet!!! Still waiting for scan appointment to come through and my follow-up appointment with the consultant.
All this and now I'm really debating taking this job if I even get offered it. I think I hope I don't get it then the decision has been made for me!!! Boyfriend can't understand why I wouldn't take it but I think I'm so good at hiding how bad things really are for me. It's not like I break down all the time or even talk to him about it mostly. Most of the time I just think it's me and Caleb against the world. I liked it when Caleb was in the bed next to me then when I was feeling really bad I could just cuddle up to him and that would make me feel a bit better. Now he is in his cot there doesn't seem any reason to go to bed cos just lay there getting more and more depressed and there isn't anyone to get comfort from. I could go to my boyfriend I sup but I just can't even find a comfortable position to cuddle up to him in with the bloody SPD. Lying anyway is painful and if he leans on me in any way it sends shooting pains all through my pelvis and back. I don't tell him that though and don't say ow cos I'm just so use to been in pain all the time I don't see the point in saying anything anymore.
I don't know if this is good for me or not drinking wine and crying writing on here. Normally I just stay upstairs watching my boyfriend sleep and check on Caleb in his cot until Caleb wakes up. But he's starting sleeping through so now I've got nothing to wait for. I sup when I start seeing the psychologist I would talk to her about this kinda stuff or maybe not she will probably just wanna hear about the birth and other stuff which has gone on in my life.
Now I feel guilty cos I will be knackered again and not want to get up when Caleb wakes up at 7am so boyfriend will have to get up, then it's the whole guilt trip thing cos I'm not working at the minute. I don't feel like an equal any more cos I don't work even though looking after Caleb is bloody hard work!!! Debating whether to go try and sleep or whether to get more wine!!! Usually two large glasses is enough to help me sleep, isn't helping with the pain though. Shouldn't really have any more though as I'm still on antibiotics, although finished them today.
Think should go try and sleep now. Maybe feel bit better got things off my chest and had a cry. Really wanna get Caleb out of his cot for a cuddle but don't wanna disturb him, especially when he's poorly.
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 9, 2009 23:16:57 GMT
So had a hard, but productive day, today Started off with the usual not wanting to get out of bed especially as we had to get up early for my appointment with the physio boo!!! Which she said I've been over doing it since she gave me the support belt to wear which I thought was a god send. But it turns out it has been giving me false sense of hope, thinking I was able to do more then I actually can hence more pain!!! So have been given more exercises which the BF (boyfriend) can also help with and going back after had my scan. Went on a good course this afternoon on self-esteem. Going to incorporate the exercises given on the course into writing on here as need to keep a diary of my negative thoughts. This is so I can challenge them at a later date!!! Had such a panic on today with flaming driving again!!! I totally messed up parking the car in the car park space cos was really busy and got stressed about it. Then couldn't correct it so just left it at an angle blocking another car in!!! Then spent the whole 2 1/2 hours on the course stressing about it. Thought there would be an angry mob of people waiting for me when got back to car telling me how crap I was!!! Instead was two nice old women who kindly moved their car which was next to mine so I could get out without a panic. Depressing myself again looking on internet at uterus contraction and what it means if it doesn't contract back down like mine!!! Mostly just got cancer to come up!!! Did that when I was pregnant when breasts were bleeding and looked it up on internet. Cancer, termination of pregnancy came up, scared me to death!!! Really should stop looking things up on bloody internet!!! So negative thoughts today......... When woke up same as always think about pain, pain and more pain!!! Breastfed LO, feel like a milk factory. He started sleeping longer at night so am up in pain with very full breasts until they get use to it!!! Feeding LO (saw everyone else calls their babies LO so am gonna start doing it as well) his breakfast as usual he was playing up and I had to half eat my breakfast while entertaining him. Then the hassel of the car journey over to my mums before going to the hospital to see physio. Think to myself shouldn't be carrying LO this far, not sup to carry him but no-one cares so I do it anyway, more pain. Think gonna end up crashing car. Shouldn't really be driving, causes more pain. Then every time something goes wrong on way there or someone flashes or bleeps think it's aimed at me, think now what have I done wrong. Can't wait to get out of the car. Waiting in the waiting room at hospital am sure that people are staring at me thinking what is she doing here? She doesn't look ill. Everyone else seems to have obvious things wrong with them like damaged foot. When get in to see physio think she doesn't really want to hear about my problems. I think she pretends to bother about the fact I'm in pain. She doesn't really remember what is wrong with me as she always has to look at my notes and then she still gets it wrong. I think she lies about the fact I will get better. People lied about pregnancy and the birth so now she is lying about the fact that I will eventually get better. I do pointless exercises just so they look like they are trying to do something about it cos that is their job. God I'm such a freak when really think about what I think!!! When get back to my mums think here we go again, fake family rubbish. Let's pretend we're a family. My Dad tries to give me some advice, I think he is only trying to make himself feel better about the fact he has a failure for a daughter. My Mum doesn't even bother asking how it went with physio as usual, I think she forgets to put on the fake act which is good cos then means I don't have to act fake in response. Get in the car to go to the course glad to be away from the fake family. Then totally mess up parking the car, think what an idiot why would I think I was capable of driving? I can't even have a baby which women have been doing for centuries without making a song and dance about it afterwards! Just feel so ill and tired and think really want to just give up sometimes. Nearly break down at the course but don't let myself. Get so swamped in my own thoughts of self-hatred about not been able to park the car that can't concentrate. Just think the usual I'm a failure, I'm useless, Why would people even want me around, why come to this course there isn't anything would be able to contribute!!! Eventually get control and come back to the present. Think about whether I should speak and decide that's why I'm here. Then think everyone is thinking why did I say anything, that I'm attention seeking asking questions and telling them a little about my situation and why I am here. I make a joke and they laugh but I think they are only laughing cos they feel sorry for me. When come out of course try and ring BF about the car situation, convinced myself over last two hours that I won't be able to get the car out of the space. I also kept smashing it into a wall to try and get it in the space in the first place so think BF gonna be angry about the fact I've wreaked his car. Feel weak and pathetic ringing him knowing he is at work. He doesn't answer so get more scared about going back to the car but have no choice. Luckily two women are there and they see I'm in a state and take pity on me. I think how pathetic I am wasting their time over me not been able to park a car!!! They try to reassurance that everyone messes up parking at first and move their car so I can get my car out. Feel a little better after that. On drive back home get some arse hole flashing at me then swearing at me. I don't even know why. I hate driving. LO is in the back singing and talking, happy to see me cos we've been apart quite a lot today. I just feel guilty and sick and think how much longer can I cope with this? Get stuck in traffic all way back so causes really bad shooting pains in my pelvis. Just feel like no-one cares and that I shouldn't even be flaming driving. Normally struggle getting pushchair out of boot but can't physically do it in so much pain. So leave it for BF to get. Carry LO up the street with bag of stuff which causes more pain. Just wanna get in the bath and go to bed. Then don't wanna go to bed cos makes pain feel more intense cos not distracted by anything else so is all think about. Until start having thoughts about the birth, when was raped and other traumatic events from my past that just go round in my head and think self-hated things and how they were my fault. I wasn't strong enough at the birth, I couldn't take the level of pain other women would be able to take it. Even writing this think I'm so full of self-pity it's disgusting!!! Don't think I like keeping a diary of negative thoughts it's so very negative ha ha!!! Had a dream last night that I was back to my old self again. That I could actually walk down the street without feeling pain and could walk properly instead of like an 90 year old!!! Felt even more depressed when woke up this morning cos think I'll never be like that again. Oh in so much pain again. I get sick of hearing my voice and typing about it!!! Sup better go try get some sleep ha ha!!! Least can lie with heat pillow, helps a bit. Took all painkillers allow to take and still making no difference, might talk to GP about getting stronger ones. Just she said can only take them now and again when pain really bad ha ha it's always bad!!!
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Mar 10, 2009 9:25:25 GMT
Hi lovey
Sorry only just getting round to replying. The driving thing is such a struggle for a lot of people regardless of PNI. One of my friends has been driving alot longer than me and is the most nervous driver! You do so well to get into the car and drive with your physical problems and the PNI, you should be congratulating yourself on doing that much and then the rest will come with driving experience. I've been driving years, make regualr trips up the motorway to see me family and i still have terrible night vision, am absolutely awful at parking and get so panicky sometimes i have to call someone on my handsfree to calm me down (all this and my BF says i'm a very competent driver- doesn't always feel like it!). Driving is a big responsibility, especially with a little one in the car. As for flashes and beeps, i'm so paranoid people are flashing and beeping at me as well but they rarely are.
I too get the pregnancy flutters! So relieved to hear someone else does too. It's so bizarre isn't it? Actually feels like baby movements, no idea what that is but not looking it up as i'm sure the internet will drag up cancer somewhere! Don't worry about it, online medical things have a tendency to do that.
I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself at the moment, i really feel for you. Sounds like you have had some pretty traumatic events. As for the level of pain, i honestly do believe it is different for everybody. But i, like you, felt for a long time after birth as though i had failed because i hadn't handled the pain very well at times. I'd watched all of these birth programs with these fantastic women who just cope with the pain. Well that wasn't me, after 18 hours i was begging for them to do something. I know we are women and we are built to deal with it but the way you gotta look at it is that you did deal with it in the end. You have your beautiful boy, and you got through labour and lived to tell the tale. You have nothing to blame yourself for, labour bloody hurts at the end of the day!
How are you today?
xxxx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 10, 2009 23:35:42 GMT
Hi Beckah, Oh thanks it really helps to hear that someone else is experiencing these kinda things as well. Oh to be fair I put on my Facebook status about how I hate driving and like you said even people who don't have PNI find driving stressful and get people starting with them on the roads for no real reason (quite a few people put comments about how they had, had similar problems!!!)!!! I'm facing the driving demons again tomorrow, got a meeting with my voluntary work so am driving over in rush hour!!! I will beat the driving phobia!!! I've got a friend who is a really, really dangerous driver and so nervous! It is scary that she passed her test!!! Yea my BF thinks I'm a good driver as well!!! If he could see my thoughts when I was driving he wouldn't think I was!!! He just doesn't understand why I get so stressed but he's been driving a long time and doesn't get stressed about anything. He is the most chilled out person I know which is good when he lives with someone like me!!! Have also booked myself on some courses. The course I went on yesterday about self-esteem suggested looking at a bad situation and asking yourself how can I use this to my advantage? So although I'm feeling crap about not been able to work I'm using my free time (what free time I have with a LO to look after!!!) to do some courses which are relevant to my future career plans. They are running some free courses in a town about 30 miles away which would mean fighting the driving demons at the same time I've had an OK day today. It's tends to be I'll have a really, really bad day then an OK day afterwards. I'm trying to follow my physio's advice and walk more S L O W L Y....... which I find really frustrating but have done it today anyway. Did rest for about an hour just watching telly while LO was having his nap. Then after he woke up and had, had his dinner he was getting restless and I can't be doing with staying in the house when he is like that and it was sunny outside so we went for a S L O W walk. Oh yea the pregnancy random movements are so weird!!! I keep doing tests and they are negative so I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant. I'm sure I never experienced those kinda things before I got pregnant though so don't know where they are coming from. Yea like you say best not look them up on line as everything means cancer!!! Although I did look them up before and they put them down to IBS symptoms. Which my mum and sister both have so I sup it is possible, plus I saw on another thread that IBS is common with PNI so could be that. Although I still have a secret dread that when they do the ultrasound scan on me they are gonna find twins in there ahhhhhh!!! Your right about the birth stuff. When I was pregnant I read books and watched programmes and one book even described it as a sexual experience!!! I did see one programme when the woman was obviously really in a lot of pain and not coping well and it scared me to death!!! Yea I do really wonder how I got through it sometimes. I really thought I was gonna die. You just think how can your body really take that much pain. The pain really does get to me sometimes from the SPD but I just carrying on fighting it and the PND cos you have to and I have my son as motivation. Look at positive me today!!! It's only cos I've had some wine!!! So negative thought today: Wasn't too bad LO was good mostly until came to breakfast time then was playing up again so started thinking here we go again!!! I get so paranoid all the time! Took LO to a baby group this morning and just think that everyone is looking at me and thinking bad thoughts!!! Like what is she wearing and just random negative thoughts about me. Then I feel really down on myself and think they are right I do look a mess today and that they think LO looks a mess too. I always try to make a bit of an effect and we both wash regularly so don't know where these thoughts come from!!! I hate Tuesdays cos it's bin day and we live in a cottage which is set back from the street and have to go down an alley to get to it. There are five bins put at the bottom of the alley every Tuesday and I have to move them out of the way every time to get the pushchair pass, when they are full and heavy!!! I'm sure the neighbours do it on purpose!!! Had a debut with the neighbour on one side over noise levels a while ago and the wife works at the health centre in town. I get paranoid about her looking at my health record cos that's where I go for my meetings with the CPN!!! I hate the fact every little thing that happens during the day I take personally and feel like the world is out to get me!!! It seems so irrational, yet so truth and real at the time!!! When we went for our afternoon walk I thought everyone was staring at me and thinking bad things about me. I constantly think someone is gonna steal LO and guard him all the time. People just seem like they are always looking at me and judging me. I know they can't tell I'm in pain but I feel so vulnerable and like I can't offer any protection to LO if anyone did try and take him. When I'm in the house random everyday noises frighten me and make me think someone is trying to break in and wanting to steal LO. Sometimes I even get scared of leaving him with family or even my BF as I think they might hurt him. I have no reason to think that but I just don't feel like he is safe ever. I'm really struggling with him been in his cot but fight the urge to get him out. He is doing really well sleeping through and been all independent sleeping in his cot (he is still in our room though). At the baby groups most of the babies his age are been moved into their own rooms now but I can't stand the thought of that!!! Luckily my BF agrees so he is definitely staying in our room for now. It sounds stupid I know but I can't sleep for worrying about him. I'd best go get a shower and try get some sleep. Got my pilates class in the morning which I really enjoy and is really good for the pain but is stressful cos LO is left to his own devices!!! There isn't a creche so the babies are all left on a mat with toys, which keeps them entertained for about 5 mins when the class is for an hour!!! Is more painful getting up and down to see to LO all the time so not worth doing the exercises!!! Gonna try him in the sensory room tomorrow and see if that is a better distraction. It is attached to the main room so can prop the door open and keep an eye on him at same time!!!
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Post by sianyc on Mar 11, 2009 8:52:00 GMT
Ignore what the other mums are doing with their babies lovely. If having lo in your room lets you get some sleep then carry on with it! There's plenty of time for himn to have his own room when you're feeling better.
My first birth was awful. I had flashbacks to it for about a year afterwards and was terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again. I won't go into detail but here's the summary
Induced with pessary at 11pm, pains all night which stopped me sleeping. Called a silly girl by the midwife for not sleeping through 'just prostaglandin pains' (nasty cow) More pessary at 8am when contractions started properly. Labour on the antenatal ward as labour suites all busy - oh the joy Stupidly agreed to let them break my waters at 7cm (about 4pm) shich meant I was at 10cm within 40 mins and couldn't have an epidural. Pushed for 3 hours but nothing. Prepped for C-section and taken to theatre where they then decided to try ventouse and forceps first. Couldn't get the spinal in so ended up with epidural after they tried for an HOUR with me at 10cm having constant contractions trying to keep still. Ventouse came off so she was forceps birth in the end.
That was a bit longer than I thought it would be - the point I wanted to make was that my second birth culd not have been more different. Nice relaxed water birth at the same hospital with the same midwife.
I'm sure that half the reason the first was so bad was that I felt out of control and just shocked at how painful it was. I made sure that the 2nd time I gave them a birth plan that asked for no breaking of my waters, no pethidine, a birthing pool and as few internals as possible. I asked to be left alone with oh most of the time as well as there were loads of people there the first time and it didn't help!
What has your cpn said about the anxiety. Have they given you any methods of coping with it?
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beckah
Senior Member
Posts: 350
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Post by beckah on Mar 11, 2009 9:50:20 GMT
Hi mate
I agree with Sian, LO doesn't need to be in his own bedroom if it helps you to have him with you. We have just sold our one bedroom flat and my daughter was one last week so obviously she's been in with us. To be honest i'm dreading moving her into her own room!
I too didn't have the best birth. I think when it's your first it doesn't matter how much preparation you do and programmes you watch, nothing prepares you.
Sian, i wonder if that midwife has ever had "just prostaglandin pains" because i have and i can tell you i didn't enjoy them and definitely couldn't sleep through them!
I'm ok facebook mate if you want to add me (send me your full name in private message) then if you can't sleep one night it might coincide with one of my sleepless nights!
xxxx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 11, 2009 14:10:21 GMT
Hi,
The CPN still hasn't got back to me yet, was thinking about ringing her and seeing what is going on!!! Had my initial assessment last week and she said she would ring me by Monday to let me know what was happening with referring me to see a psychologist. No-one has given me any advice on how to cope with the anxiety!!! The GP wants me to go on some medication but I wanted some sleeping pills and she said I can't have them cos I'm breastfeeding. I'm back seeing the GP on Friday and am seriously considering starting on whatever medication she thinks cos I'm finding it really hard to cope!!! Now work has been sorted out (on sick leave until further notice!), it means I have some time to try some medication without having to worry about what the effects might be when having the stress of working on top. I'm just really worried about the effect it might have on LO with me breastfeeding. I've had numerous health problems and been on loads of courses of antibiotics and they always make him ill, so I'm sure he is sensitive to me been on medication. I really don't want to give up feeding as it really helps with our bonding but the anxiety is getting worse. I'll bring it up with the GP on Friday and see what she says.
Sian - sounds like your first birth was as much fun as mine!!! I can't even comprehend having another baby. Just thought of it makes me feel like jumping off a cliff. I couldn't go through that again. They say with time you forget the birth and it doesn't seem as bad but I can't see that happening ever!! I think I would definitely freak out if I was having another and it was the same midwife, your very brave!!!
Beckah - I think I've sent you a PM. I'm new to this forum stuff so finding my way along slowly!!!
Getting so worked up already about the fact have to drive over to the city later!!! I was all positive yesterday cos had some wine now back to normal scared to death to go out the front door!!! Last time went over for a meeting was shaking the whole time cos couldn't calm down about this confrontation had with a woman cos parked in front of her drive way!!! I use to have nerves of steel!!! Was always having to deal with difficult people in my job now can't even look people in the eye, let alone stand up to them!!!
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Post by winegirl on Mar 11, 2009 20:42:43 GMT
Hey hun,
How did the drive over to the city go??
Yes, if you are feeling wound up because the CPN hasnt rang you back, then definately ring them. The problem with lots of mental health services in the NHS (and i am training to work in one!) is that you seem to have to scream and shout sometimes to get noticed! Its pants.
As for meds, well there are SSRI's you can take for anxiety whilst breastfeeding, so try not to get yourself into a tiz over that decision. Talk to your GP or CPN about your options and you will be fine. My major problem with PNI was the anxiety, and I know how hard it is to deal with it without the meds, so totally sympathise with you hun x
Hope your evening is going ok??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on Mar 12, 2009 0:32:47 GMT
Hi, Oh I had to get my BF to come in the car, which also meant dragging LO out and them waiting in the car for me whilst in the meeting for an hour and an half!!! I feel so guilty especially as LO has an ear infection but he was fine sleeping and then talking in the back (BF had the heating and radio on for him). My BF is good though waiting in the car for that long just cos I'm a nutter who can't drive without going all crazy!!! Also put petrol in the car for the first time!!! Only needed him to come with me once though, can do it by myself next time. I'll try and ring the CPN tomorrow. We've got a busy day though but the HV is coming round so I will speak to her about it. She is pretty good at chasing people up for me!!! Got a volunteer from Homestart coming round at 10am. Had a right going on with them so will see how it goes this time. They originally sorted out a volunteer coming round who had counselling training, same as me and had also had a traumatic birth, so they thought we would get on. We really did, but then her car broke and she only lives in the next town over and didn't want to get the bus so she didn't come round again. Then they were sup to be sorting out me having another volunteer but she ended up having to go into hospital and couldn't start for 3 months!!! In the end I just complained to my HV and she must have rang them and now have a new volunteer coming round tomorrow who has a little girl who is 12 months. Thought it would be sweet as LO has started been kinda interested in other babies so will be a little friend for him to play with. Made my BF hoover though for them coming round. I get so bloody paranoid about people coming round. I usually fall out with BF about it when he invites people round then doesn't tell me until their just about to walk through the door. I don't know if this is part of PNI but I really hate people coming round . I honestly think they will think we live in a shit hole when it isn't even that bad at all!!! I clean the house every week and we hoover twice a week (well have this week!!!). It really puts me on edge knowing people are coming round. Not just health professionals or volunteers, even family and friends. I hated it after the birth and I was so ill but I still made sure I cleaned the house when people were coming round (which is all the time when you have a cute baby for them to coo over)!!! And when they do come round I spend half the time apologising about how messy the place is!!! Thanks Winegirl. I do beat myself up about taking anything cos I'm breastfeeding. It really limits you though. Whenever I'm on antibiotics (which is most of the time!!!) LO always gets ill and I feel guilty!! He gets really sickly which is awful for him as it is painful he really cries!!! He use to get really bad reflux, it was so frustrating every time I fed him it would all come back up again across the room!!! I was just constantly feeding him. One mum at the group other day said to me oh you make breastfeeding look so easy, I couldn't cope with it! I said it only looks like it is easy cos we have been doing it for 7 months and we still have issues with teeth at the moment!!! I've had so many problems but I was lucky I got referred to a breastfeeding counsellor and she was lovely. I go to a breastfeeding support group every week which I helped to set up just cos there was no support in this area. Going off on a slight tangent there but do feel really strongly about breastfeeding. Only cos I had problems when I was pregnant with my breasts bleeding. Had to go to the breast clinic and I was so scared that I had cancer (stupid internet) and that they were going to make me get rid of LO. I really wanted my BF to come in with me but he forgot car parking money and had to mess about parking the car so I had to go in alone and I don't think I'll ever forgive him for doing that. It was horrible. Was a male doctor, a female student doctor and two nurses in the room all looking at me. The male doctor was just talking to the student doctor not to me. They obviously don't see many pregnant women then he squeezed my breasts to make them bled, like he didn't believe me or something and said it was hormones!!! He said I might have problems with breastfeeding as the blood could get into the milk. When they all left the room I felt so degraded, ha that was nothing compared to the birth!!!! I was so scared and in my head I just kept talking to LO saying we were there for each other and I would go through whatever I had to for him!!! I know that probably sounds stupid but the fact that it's just the two of us against the world is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes!!! I'm drinking the wine again. Is the only way I get some decent amount of sleep so am carrying on with it!!! To be fair only takes one large glass and am half cut!!! Use to take about two bottles!!! The room was spinning when went to bed last night but then my head is normally spinning with random horrible thoughts so I would rather it was spinning with wine!!! So negative thoughts today: LO was wanting to be up at bloody 7am, no way!!! I hate getting up early plus don't go to bed till late. So I left him playing happily on the bed while I fell back to sleep then woke up and he was eating tissues and a breast pad sigh!!! So when it came to eating his breakfast he wasn't hungry!!! He was a nightmare at pilates!!! Wanted picking up the whole time. Had to leave him crying some of the time otherwise is no point me going cos don't get to do any of the exercises!!! He is always the first one to cry and starts the other babies going!!! The other mums were like is he teething. I was like no must be cos he's got an ear infection but he has always been like that since birth. He always wants me, and me only. That first night at the hospital after the birth, he was screaming all night and I had to sing to him and cuddle him to calm him down. I'd had no sleep for over 48 hours and still found the energy to comfort him. I don't know where from. He kept disturbing the other babies and the other mums on the ward were complaining and I just wanted to go home!!! I still love him more than anything though. I was talking to a mum at group other day and she said she really didn't bond with her baby at all cos she found it so difficult. I can't really relate to that, my LO is my life. I think I'm too the other way. I get so obsessed with whether he is ok and hate leaving him with anyone. Think I've gone off the subject again!!! Negative thought today: After pilates was in pain so thought better try and rest. LO was having his nap till about 2.30pm then had his dinner. Normally we go out for a walk in the afternoon but I had to think about the fact I was driving later and trying to not over do it. Well LO doesn't like staying in so he was playing up all afternoon. I just was having thoughts about why does he have to be this way? Other people's babies don't seem like this. He's always has to be the first one to cry. So ended up playing with him on the floor with his toys which isn't resting!!! Of course when BF got back he was all smiles daddy daddy he will play with me!!!! Of course got all worked up with my driving again. Can't get the bloody gears to go in now!!! Is basic driving so why can't I do it? The more I think self-hatred thoughts about myself the worse my driving becomes. It's like a vicious cycle!! Parked OK though so that was good. At meeting just kept thinking what am I doing here? I don't have anything worth listening to,to say. The others were laughing about jokes and I just don't feel anything, I pretend to laugh. I just think they are looking at me and thinking bad thoughts. I feel stupid cos they were behind me walking up and down the stairs and I'm sup to take it one step at a time but I don't when people are there and I have to walk really slowly. I feel like an invalid so just carrying on and make the pain worse instead of having the humiliation of people knowing I can't even do simple things like walking up the stairs!! I put myself forward for training new volunteers. I just kept spacing out and not been with it and I just don't connect to what is going on most of the time. I can't concentrate on what people are saying. Then I told them about some free training courses I had put myself on but it turned out that the service providing the courses has a bad reputation so felt shit after that. I'm still going on the courses though and another trustee is too so means I can get a lift and not have to drive hurray!!! BF tried to listen to my troubles I think even though he is knackered bless him!!! Just don't think he gets it at all!!! Least he tries though. He said he doesn't understand why I bother about what other people think and do all the time with driving and just when out and about. I don't understand it either!!! Did have some good thing happen today which wanted to post about. Even though I didn't get the job which I can't really do at the minute anyway. I emailed and got some feedback this was the reply: Samantha, Thank you for coming for the PSA post last week. We had 60 applications for the post and out of these only interviewed 6. We short listed only the very best and those with appropriate experience. On the day you came across nicely and interviewed very well. Unfortunately another candidate performed slightly better on the day and we offered her the post. You did very well and I am sorry we were unable to offer you a post. I would encourage you to keep trying for other vacant posts I was well chuffed with it!!! So think there is hope for me getting a job as and when I'm physically up to it!!! I'm going for the whole if in a bad situation what can I use to my advantage approach again!!! So I guess I've had enough wine now and writing things down to be able to go get a shower and try and get some sleep now.
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