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Post by winegirl on May 1, 2009 16:10:35 GMT
Hey you..
Check out miss positive!! Hope you are still up there today hun??
I am in full sympathy over the alcohol.. the problem is that alcohol sort of counteracts the longterm effect of the meds, but i know only too well how easy it is to self medicate with a booze, as it is still a demon I am having to fight...
How has today been? You got much planned for the bank holiday weekend??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on May 18, 2009 21:47:52 GMT
I'm back!!! Really been having a hard time so not been to any groups or come on here!! Went into hiding again!!! Still struggling with my drinking, is getting worse. Went on a proper bender last week and rang my parents pissed confronting them about the abuse!!! Actually it was a good thing as my dad is willing to sit down and speak about it with it finally!!! Whether that is acknowledgement I don't know but it's more then has ever happened before!!!
I'm not sleeping again. I get to sleep listening to relaxation CD then just keep waking up having nightmares all through the night. Usually about giving birth, been raped etc. I can't control the flashbacks. I've started wanting to hurt myself as I can't stand connecting back to the person who was abused. I totally disconnected from that person even so much as to totally change my appearance. I just want to drink to block it out again. The more therapy I have, the more I talk about it all and feel things again. I use to bite and punch myself when I was younger. Thought about cutting but didn't want to leave any scars, that my parents would see.
I feel like I shouldn't be talking about it on here or maybe I should start a diary in the abuse section. I had to ring my CPN to come round cos the psychologist is on holiday for 3 weeks and my drinking is getting out of control. I'm going to a alcohol drop in session tomorrow morning to speak to someone about it as well. My psychologist is bringing another therapist into our sessions who specialists in alcohol abuse as she deals with birth trauma.
I've got to go for an operation cos still have ongoing health problems. They are sending me for more tests as well. Regardless I start my new job middle of June!!! Hurray!!! Really I can't wait!!! The days just drag at the minute, except when I get chance to do my uni work.
LO has started to go with the child minder, usually when I'm at therapy. I don't know how I feel about it really. One time I'll drop him off and feel sad, sick and guilty. The next time I will feel such relief!!! That's an awful thing to say, I know!!!
My psychologist says my head is just full of confusion and we need to look at everything so I can understand it, come to terms with it, then move on. She said it will be at least six months therapy, once at week. That's just to start with!!! I wanted to up my meds cos I was struggling with the anxiety and depersonalisation again, but psychologist said not too as I was swapping alcohol for meds trying to block things out. So then started drinking more making myself really poorly cos of been on meds still as well. Feel so guilty!!! LO has a horrible drunk for a mother!!! My BF hates me!!! He doesn't understand why I can't just not drink!!! If only it was that simple!!! I haven't had a drink since Wed, cos drunk so much passed out! Was really ill next day and LO was screaming for his breakfast and I couldn't even get up off the sofa!!! I felt disgusted with myself. He's a beautiful little boy, he really deserves better then me.
My parents are coming round tomorrow cos I haven't seen them for ages. Been purposely avoiding my mum. Last time saw her really wanted to strangle her. It scares me sometimes how much I hate her!!! I don't want her near LO, but cos I'm waiting to start my new job my parents are having to give me money so I have to see them. Be better when I'm back at work, can have some of my independent back. Luckily it's worked out that my operation is the week before I start, so I have a week to recover. Then I'm going to be shadowing another support worker at first as there is quite a lot of us starting and they want to train us all together. Trouble is some people have to work different notices. I was really surprised that I passed the health check. I was sure they would say I'm too much of a nut case!!! Really I can't wait to start and get this operation over with!!!
I'm weaning LO off breastfeeding at the moment. Got him down to just one feed a day. Think it's for the best as it will take some of the pressure off me when I start work.
Will try and get on here more often instead of shutting everyone and everything out!!!
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Post by winegirl on May 19, 2009 19:24:55 GMT
Hey hun x
How did it go with your folks today??
Just wanted to day that I know how you feel about the meds with teh anxiety.. I complained to my mental health practitioner that my dose wasnt working well enough when i was on the meds, and she pointed out to me that alcohol is a depressant and counteracts the effects of the meds.. and i guess two bottles of wine a night was a bit much! BUt we do it as a way of self medicating as it temporarily eases the anxiety, though it is not the long term solution!
In the end i cut down to a glass of vino a night in the week, and did start to feel better as it was giving the meds more of a chance to work!!
You can talk about anything here hun, so dont worry about that x But if you would rather use the abuse section you can do that too, whatever you feel comfortable with x
Hope your day was ok??
WG xx
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on May 10, 2011 21:34:54 GMT
Hellooooo,
I don't know why I've decided to start posting back on here again, I think maybe it's cos I've started feeling some of my symptoms again probably due to the fact going to be trying to get pregnant again soon and feeling worked up about it already!
So guess I should give an update on how I have been over last two years well after two years of psychotherapy, a lot of drugs (medication of course) and more then a few setbacks along the way. I reached a stable state of living, most of the time anyway!
Everyday is still a struggle and with Caleb getting older (he is three in July) there are new challenges to face. My health hasn't been good either I was diagnosed with endometriosis last year and had surgery. I've had other surgery to repair damage from the birth and still have severe pelvic pain and problems. I keep myself sane by working all hours under sun, studying two masters, doing voluntary work and reading books all to distract myself!
My relationship with Caleb has never come naturally, I often still struggle with him and his behaviour at times. I think to myself will I ever be one of these women that is a natural mother if they even exist? I know I love him and would do anything for him and I hope that is enough. I'm working all the time at understanding my feelings towards him and wanting to be a better mum.
I still get very paranoid about his safety and constantly worry about something happening to him, to the point where I get angry with him when he ends up in situations where he could get hurt, with is a lot with a toddler! I'm learning to keep my feelings at a manageable level most of the time. The panic attacks and anxiety are very rare these days thanks mostly to the tablets I'm on. I tried to come off them about a year ago but started with the symptoms again so went back on them.
So I'm going to come off the pill in a few weeks and starting to get racing thoughts already. My GP says it shows how far I've come as after Caleb's birth I thought I would never be able to go through that again. I won't lie, I still get sick to the stomach thinking about having another baby going through pregnancy and birth again!
I hope coming back on here and venting will help to get these feelings out as I don't know who else I can talk to who might understand how I'm feeling.
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Post by juppster on May 11, 2011 7:34:51 GMT
Hi there and welcome back I dont think I was around the last time you were on here so just saying a big hello! It sounds as if you've been through a really rough time but the fact that you are even thinking about having another baby must be a good sign. I am finally trying to get pregnant again at the moment and my son will be 5 in October so i'm on a similar journey at the moment!! I do know the feeling of having to keep yourself busy all the time, this is something that i can really relate to. The busier I am, the less time you have to think! I don't know that there is really any way for a "normal" mother to be..i think most mums have to really work at motherhood so try not to beat yourself up about the way you feel towards your son...it certainly sounds as though you love him very much. Good luck with trying to get pregnant and hope to here from you again soon x
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Post by Weeble on May 11, 2011 11:35:37 GMT
Hi lovely to hear from you Sammy. Like juppster, I think you were around before I joined to. I had my third son last September whilst still suffering from severe postnatal depression. I have read through some of your past entries and it sounds like you had a hard time, you poor soul.
At the moment there are quite a few of us around who have had pregnancies post pni and other girls pregnant and trying so there should be lots of support.
How was your day today
Kat
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on May 11, 2011 22:22:27 GMT
Thanks for replying juppster and kat,
Yea I was hoping I would find others in similar situation or / and who have already been through having / trying for another child after having PNI. I was looking through the forum last night to see what others had wrote on the subject and found the topic section on pregnancy which seems to cover some of my questions and worries, so I will keep checking in there. Noticed there are a few women trying at the moment so be nice to have some people to talk too about feelings that are going on for us.
My day has been OK. I have been off work with my son all day. The endometriosis pain has been bad today so I struggle to entertain my son and try methods to relief the pain. The trouble is I constantly feel guilty thinking he is missing out on things because of my health problems, like today he asked to go to the park but I just wasn't up to it so we stayed in. I could have taken him but then it would have made my pain worse which would have a knock on affect on my tolerance levels. I've had to learn to accept my limitations and some days I am better then others. He's been ok though just chilling with me, watching telly or happily playing with his toys. It's rare that we stay in to be honest as I find it very difficult been in the house with him all day and mostly we go out to other mums houses in the local area or to the park. Tomorrow I need to go out for my medication so we will have a walk out and I'll take him to the park.
It's more difficult now he has got older as he jumps on me and wants to play 'rough and tumble' but I can't do that with my pelvis problems. He forgets most of the time but I'm hoping when he is older he will understand why I can't do things that other mums can. I try my best and will do everything I can to make up for my limitations.
Today I have been researching alternatives to endometriosis treatments to hopefully increase my chances of getting pregnant quicker. I've been looking at changing to a healthy diet which is what I did before I got pregnant with Caleb. I've spoke to my GP and I'm staying on the Sertraline whilst I'm pregnant as she says the benefits outweigh the risk, another thing I feel guilty about! She said because I have been taking it for two years my body will be use to it and it is very unlikely it will affect the baby, more likely my increased anxiety and depression will have a detrimental affect! So I'm trying not to feel to bad about it.
Oh good luck with getting pregnant Juppster x
Well your someone to aspire to Kat, having another one after PNI x
Funny how I panic about Caleb's safety most of the time but when something actually happens I get this calm, confident manner that I take on. When he was eating his tea he started to choke on some pork, I didn't panic I calmly knew what to do and did it, made me feel like a 'mum' for some reason having the knowledge and confident in my own abilities I guess. It's not something I experience very often. After I felt guilty thinking it was my fault that I didn't cut the pork up in small enough pieces for him. I wish I could have that confident feeling more but then I sup it would be dangerous to be too confident all the time. I see these mums that let their kids run off near the road and I cringe I always make Caleb hold my hand, unless he can run on grass away from the curb. I think am I been over cautious? I'd rather that though then take the risk of anything happening to him.
Anyway sure I will be boring people with my minor problems and worries
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Post by Weeble on May 12, 2011 11:45:29 GMT
Hi Sammy
Sounds like you are really busy, hope you had no trouble getting your medications. I think thats a spot on decision keep taking the sertraline, I took fluoxetine all through my pregnancy and my little man is fine. Please dont feel guilty, a mother who is managing is so much more important.
What is the problem with your pelvis?
Kat
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Post by juppster on May 12, 2011 14:49:13 GMT
I don't think you're being over cautious at all, your sons safety is of paramount importance and i think most mums would feel the same way about their children being near to the road. How has your day been today? x
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on May 12, 2011 20:54:24 GMT
Hi Kat and Juppster, I had SPD when I was pregnant and I don't know how long you can have it for after giving birth but I had a traumatic birth (my story is in the birth section) and think there has been permanent damage from having forceps delivery. My gyny says the pelvic pain is also due to having endometriosis, which is growths in the womb. I had surgery to have the growths removed last year and they found I had a cyst and a lot of the lesions on my left ovary, so much so that it was stuck to back of my womb, so is probably why I had trouble getting pregnant with Caleb. The pain I suffer with is like SPD pain with pain at the front like the bones are grinding together and get swelling there. I also get spasms which make me double over, from the endometriosis pain. The Gyny also found a lot of lesions at the front of my womb and at the back which is probably why I have bad pelvic pain at front and get bad lower back pain. I'm struggling with having to cut down half my tablets at the minute. I have to stop taking my mefenamic acid (strong ibuprofen and controls heavy bleeding), mebeverine (for IBS symptoms and spasms) and obviously Yasmin which is the pill I'm currently taking to control periods. I also have to come off the Omeprazole which I'm taking to control my bleeding stomach but GP says I can't stop taking that until my iron levels improve as I'm severely anaemic at the moment. GP said I'm OK to continue on my other tablets which are Co-codamol 30/500 full dose everyday, Ferrous Fumarate (iron) 644mg a day, Igpaghula husk sugar (fibrogel), Cetirizine (for hayfever) and my anti-depressants which is 50mg of Sertraline. The tablets I'm worried about are the Sertraline and the co-codamol which I thought you weren't sup to take when trying to get pregnant? When I was pregnant with Caleb I had problems with my breasts bleeding (sorry TMI I know), had to go to breast clinic as was scared to death had cancer but they said it was a hormone thing. Anyway I was in a lot of pain with them and GP said that I could only take the lowest dose co-codamol 8/500 as any higher would be risk to Caleb. So I have a different GP now, although is same practice I don't understand why she said it is ok for me to keep taking the strong co-codamol? I've been looking at posts in the pregnancy area and other women has expressed concerns about withdrawn effects after the birth. I'm worried about this too as I've stopped the Sertraline before and had horrible side effects and stopping co-codamol isn't nice either, so the poor baby having withdrawal effects from both would be hard on both of us! When I asked the GP to explain why it was OK to keep taking these tablets she said it's because my pain will make my depression worse and it is likely the two are linked, so she feels trying to control my pain and depression is important even during pregnancy. When I was pregnant with Caleb I suffered with depression but kept going by working lots of hours so didn't have time to think about it! So what she says makes sense but I still feel guilty and worry about the baby having withdrawal as Caleb had withdrawal from pethidine and this made it very difficult for both of us after the birth! Did you find your son had withdrawal symptoms after you gave birth Kat? Just got all these thoughts going round in my head and still not even come off the pill yet! Been OK today mostly, managed to pick up my Sertraline. The pharmacy is a bit crap when I live in a small town so they never have enough of a supply, owed me some from repeat picked up last week. Anyway was a walk out for me and Caleb, we ended up having a nap this afternoon was both knackered Course now he is struggling to get to sleep! I'm trying to lose weight and eat healthily preparing body for pregnancy again! Funny how I normally struggle with my weight and eating properly but when I get it in my head it's for pregnancy reasons I can just do it. I wondered if I would be able to hold it together with the depression and pain when I'm pregnant like I did last time? Although ignorance is bliss and I didn't know how bad it was going to get! I think the anxiety will be the worse to control this time around as I know I'm already struggling to control my anxieties surrounding the thought of going through giving birth again! I'm just hoping the need to have another baby will keep overriding this!
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Post by Weeble on May 12, 2011 21:12:59 GMT
Hi Sammy
I took cocodamol and fluoxetine during pregnancy, I took 20 mg initially and 40mg later on. My little boy was born with no problems. I thing they are both quite safe drugs in comparison to many. Your gp is right, your depression if it does get bad is a big risk for you, caleb and the little one. She sounds very switched on.
SPd sounds painful, I had an accident prior to my children and damaged my pelvis. For me having children helped the recovery and I am finally pain free now. I have been lucky.
Good news on the weight stuff. Desperately trying to lose weight post baby now.
Hope tomorrow goes well
Kat
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Post by monica on May 15, 2011 9:49:34 GMT
WElcome Back!
Sorry this will be brief for the moment as about to dash out. Good luck with the baby nmaking - it's normal to be anxious having been through what you have but you have come so far!
I had another child after having pni and have largely been ok. I think the stress of having to manage three kids does takes it's toll and there have been times when I have feared I was gettign pni again but I have treid to listen tot myself and take it easy and avoid stress. well worth it!
Btw have you considered acupuncture for the endometriosis? I' have heard somewhere that can be quite good!
Love
Monica
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Post by juppster on May 16, 2011 16:07:09 GMT
Hi there, how have the last few days been for you? x
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ingleby
Full member
My son is aged 3 years in July. Offically diagnosed with PNI when he was six months old.
Posts: 84
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Post by ingleby on May 16, 2011 17:41:49 GMT
Hi everyone, Hello again Monica Yes I did try acupuncture for the endo and it did help but I had to have it twice a week for it to have effect and it was getting expensive so unfortunately I had to stop having it! I've not been too bad Jo over last few days. I've been working loads cos our car had to be scrapped, so I'm working loads of overtime and now on nights for two months to save the money to get another one! To be honest I find working nights really makes my depression and anxiety worse but there's no other way to get the money for a new car I hope you don't mind but I read your diary and sent you an add on Facebook, although think you said you don't go on there any more? I'm usually pretty stable when I work loads although I tend to crash and burn when stop working! Really struggling with coming off my painkillers especially the mefenamic acid am really dependent on them to get through a full shift at work. I work long shifts 7.30am - 8pm so by mid-afternoon my pelvis is crippling me and the co-codomal isn't enough. Just struggling on at moment got a few more weeks before come off the pill so have time to come off them. I start my chronic pelvic pain group tomorrow so got to go over to Hull when I work in York straight after night shift, group is 10-12pm then will have to get bus back home after gonna be knackered! Been waiting for this group to start since last year so not going to miss it! Gyny referred me over in an attempt to find alternative coping methods cos tried most treatments that are not going to affect fertility. I'm not sure how this group is going to help me but I'm willing to try about anything at this point! Need to get this overtime in before get pregnant as really struggle when pregnant if it is gonna be like last time, so really want to be doing minimal hours then. Feeling tired already just thinking about doing all the overtime but needs must!
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Post by Weeble on May 16, 2011 19:34:14 GMT
Wow you sound so capable and in control with all this planned, but I know from my own experience we just feel pants and soldier on and on. Sorry to hear about the car and that you have to work so much to get a new one. I must say I really admire your stamina.
What happens at the pelvic pain group? Hull and York is quite a journey, hope it's ok for you tomorrow
Kat
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