Guilt

[Ruth]

I have had PND for almost a year now, am on Dothiepin and have good days and bad days. The thing that is holding me back is the cloud of guilt that is constantly over me, and I just cannot shrug it off. Whenever I look at my daughter I just feel so guilty that the first 6 months of her life were shear hell, and the fact that I almost hit her. Yes she is a happy little soul and I know she oblivious to that part of her life. but this doesn't get it to go away. I am on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist, the referral to a councellor was lost! I just hope she can help, has anyone else got the same feelings? My husband is absolutely wonderful, and gives me a huge amount of support. I am very lucky, having a lovley family and home, but just cannot get rid of those feelings.
Can anyone offer any advice, please.
Ruth

[Anna]

Ruth I have also had this for over a year now and also have a lot of guilt. I wish I had more joy when he took his first steps, said his first words, etc... I feel I can't get those days back. I know this is not an encouraging reply, but I am in your shoes....This damn illness takes so much we can never get back.

[veritee]

I also felt the same for a long time - but I do not anymore. I know it sounds easy to say, but now I concentrate on being a good mum now and I do not feel guilty for something I can not change.

This does not mean I do not feel sad for both us us missing out on the sorts of experience many mums and children take for granted.
I did a fair amount of greiving for what I had lost and there will always be sadness, especially as I never was able to have another child. But I certainly do not feel guilty for something that was not my fault.
Also in the main - time has told me it was me who missed out, not her and what seemed like 'sheer hell' for me was just normal growing up for her.
I might have been going through hell every day but actually my daughter was not aware of it even though I never hid my distress from her. I think at the end of the day all that mattered was she felt loved and looked after.

I nearly hit my daughter too - lots of times, but she was not aware of my conflict. (Actually I did hit her mildly about twice, (once on the bum and once on her arm although it seemed a lot worse then as I did do it in temper) between her being 2 ans 4yrs - a very difficult time in terms of her behaviour too as she threw really bad crying tantrums and physically would throw herself on the floor leaving me not knowing how to handle it.
I was always mortified but my daughter has no recollection of me hitting her at all.

I have all this from the horses mouth, so to speak as my daughter is now nearly 14 and knows I had PND and what this is - and talks about how her childhood was for her.
What she clearly remembers is that I loved her and cared for her and I took care of her, and what a happy child she was.
She is now a lovely budding young woman who is bright academically and the sort of pupil all her teachers say 'I wish they were all like her' she is sensitive to others feelings and a joy to be with. I actually feel that had I hid what I was going through more from her she would not now be such a sensitive and sensible young woman.
Of course like all teenagers she has her moments - but I now realise I have nothing to feel guilty about and I am absolutely sure you do not either.
Take every day at a time - sometimes the days will go wrong but other days you will feel you are a real mum to your child and these days will get more frequent.
My thoughts are with you
Veritee