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Post by anonymouse on Mar 4, 2010 19:32:39 GMT
Hi all, My partner has been suffering for a while, we've had some terrible issues but I've fought on, mainly cos I knew this wasn't her. But not, she has completely cut me off, I can't talk to her, only by text and after much careful prodding it seems that I "made her worse" by not being "supportive and caring" -- despite neither of us knowing what was going on!! I tried at times to get her family to help her get help.. I brought up PNI but they didnt take it seriously! Neither did the Doctor even though he gave her anti-depressants, after she assaulted me She turned her family against me by using me as some sort of focus to take out her frustration/anger on. Even when I tried to get them to help, it always ended in them thinking I had serious faults and wasn't right for her.. I feel everybody jumped on the bandwagon, and I don't stand a chance. I want to help her so much, and be there for her, but she won't let me. This is so difficult. Anybody else had this? P.S. I accept we had 'normal' relationship issues, but 90% of the issues we had were extremely severe - domestic violence (to me, multiple times) for instance, and I can attribute all of them to PNI as I watched her character change over time. Now it's being sorted, I seem to be the best target to absorb the blame
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Post by rocker on Mar 5, 2010 8:54:01 GMT
yes mate, I know where you're coming from, unfortunately you being the closest person to it will be the person who takes the brunt of it, fortunately my in laws could see what was going on and backed me up, even accompanied me to Doctors to ask for help - Doc wasn't interested unless she turned up herself to ask for help
I can't tell you it gets easier quickly, infact 4 years down the line I'm still fighting the tide to try and carry on our relationship and family life, but if she's taking meds and they're the right ones for her, you will see it get better slowly, my posts are below yours on the forum here if you want to read what I've gone through, may help you to know you're not alone
What you do need to do is realise you cannot solve this on your own, yes you will be the "punching bag" for want of a better phrase, but make sure you do stuff that keeps you sane, make sure you get a break in some way, whether its out with friends, or whatever you need, I thought I was superman and could fix it all on my own, nearly cost me my job because I couldn't see the stress I was under, so while you're watching out for your wife and child, remember about your own head space
I should also say the ladies on here can be quite helpful
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Post by gizmoracer on Mar 5, 2010 10:01:29 GMT
Welcome to the site, it's nice to see a few men here as well even if its not for the best reasons.
There isn't much more I can offer at the moment that Rocker hasn't already said. As the closest person to her you will enevitably be the 'punch bag' (I'm sorry this means physically in your case). I spent alot of time pushing my husband away from me and I never knew why, I think in hindsight it was to protect him from this terrible person I had become and give him a reason to get out. There are very few people who know what they are dealing with straight away and mistakes are always made. I know my OH has spent alot of time dwelling on what he could have done better or if he could have got me more help but unfortunatly the long and short of it is that she is the one who has to admit to being ill and seek help all you can do is support her. It's great that you can see her behaviour is down to her illness and not just her being malicious, thats very important. As Rocker well knows patience and support is the key, but is also extremly draining. Feel free to have a good nose through the forum and post as much as you like. I hope you will find some comfort in what you read here as so many people think they are alone in this when they are not.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 5, 2010 11:25:43 GMT
Hi ananonymouse
I am glad you have decided to post here and that Rocker has been able to relate to what you are saying also...
Rocker's advice is spot on.. Do NOT try to be superman and fix all this - because you cant. You can be there to support when she wants it, but you have to focus as much as you can on your relationship with your son and your coursework, and any outside interests you have, you have to stay well too!
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by anonymouse on Mar 6, 2010 8:44:21 GMT
Thanks for the advice everyone. I did read your thread Rocker and it sounded so familiar. I think the only difference is I have lost complete contact (except by text and when I saw her yesterday). I know she wouldn't normally behave like this. It's almost like I'm having a terrible nightmare, but I'm not it's real. I don't know how to act around her, or when I text her. I've lost my best friend, soul mate and partner all at the same time. She kept saying things would be ok when it was just us two, and nobody else involved. I'm not sure what she meant by this, perhaps that she needs her mums support and her mum won't entertain he wanting to see me. I feel the people she has surrounded herself are not thinking of how to get her better, but just how to tell her what she wanted to hear. I feel if she blames me now for this, then she will not be able to tell the difference as she gets better
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Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2010 9:00:19 GMT
Hi anonymouse
Things will be different as she gets better... Many of us find our feelings change with PNI but then return as we get better, myself included!
Perhaps she is struggling with pressure from her parents? If she feels stuck in the middle and needs her mums support this will be having an impact on what she is doing now?
Dont forget to make that doctors appointment for yourself too. Its important that you look after your own emotional and psychological well being in all this.
Take Care
WG x
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Post by anonymouse on Mar 6, 2010 9:22:38 GMT
Hi Winegirl, Can you explain that bit about parents for me please? I think I see where you're coming from, but I need clarification! I think you mean her mum being anti-me would affect her behaviour now. Yes, I agree, but I think her mum is going to stick around until I am totally out of her system. It's like somebody setting fire to love, for their own personal gain
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Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2010 17:41:17 GMT
Sorry for not being clear hun, I dont know if you already realise - but I am Helen? So was following on from further conversation...
Yes that is what I meant. I am not saying that that is what is going on, but if it is then she may not have the strength right now to go against it?? I know when I was ill I always took the easy option...
How has your day been with your son??
WG x
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Post by anonymouse not logged in on Mar 6, 2010 19:02:54 GMT
Today was great - had loads of fun! Hit a strange patch where I'm not sure what I'm doing. It brings up a lot of issues to take the blame for something, and take the associated flak with it, family wise I'm not sure what to do regarding this, I don't know what I should be doing, feels so strange
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Post by winegirl on Mar 7, 2010 12:06:42 GMT
Glad you guys had a lovely day Try to rise above all the flack you are getting for the time being and just prove to your son and the world what a great Dad you are!! Everything else will follow in time.. WG x
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Post by rocker on Mar 8, 2010 13:51:03 GMT
not much more I can add, all you can do is be patient, give your son a brilliant time when you see him, and persevere with the wife and her family, and we're all here to listen when you need us
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Post by winegirl on Mar 8, 2010 16:33:45 GMT
How have the last couple of days been for you anonymouse??
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Post by anonymousehelp on Feb 9, 2011 4:29:51 GMT
Please help she has completely cut me off again, but now she has someone else she has met twice... says she is not in a relationship but I'd better not ruin it for her... She says she doesn't love me anymore, hasn't for ages, was all an act. Now her 2 day date is worth more than her 5 year relationship??? I think she's almost cracked up, how can I help her??? She wont talk to me, we have a son!!!!!! How can she do this in two days? (2 days ago I babysat while she went out after kissing me and met this guy? ??) Someone, anyone, how can I save our relationship, I can't be the punch bag that takes her sleeping with someone (((( she also says if I say she cheated she wont talk to me and I can see my son in a contact centre!!!! ((((
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Post by juppster on Feb 9, 2011 8:22:18 GMT
Hi anonymousehelp Im so sorry you are still struggling with your partner. Im really not sure what to offer here, all i can say is this is not your fault. It sounds as though her emotions are very confused and you mustn't take the blame for that. Have you told her how you feel and how she is making you feel? Hopefully some of the other girls will be along to offer some more constructive advice...keep talking here though if it helps to let it out x
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 16, 2011 10:31:30 GMT
Hi anonymouse
I am so sorry you are going through this. Personally, I think you have to step back and let her get on with it for a while. If she is getting pressure from all directions, you adding pressure to it will make her push you further away, which you don’t want.
Let her know you are a listening ear if she needs it and that you still love her and want her to be with you, but you are going to let her move forward how she feels she needs to and hopefully, that road will lead her back to you.
PNI can make women feel and do scary, hurtful things to their partner but as WG said, as the clouds start to part again, we begin to see the world clearer. If she feels she has made lasting mistakes she can’t go back from, it will be harder for her to even try to rebuild the bridges... but if you have the understanding that she is ill right now, and she knows you are there if she needs you and that’s it, she will feel it is a bridge she can rebuild down the line.
Unfortunately it is also a possibility you have to consider, that she will not want to be with you again. I know this is heartbreaking for you and sooooo far from what you imagined your lives together would become but we have to deal with the hand we’re given. Right now, you’ve been left out feeling unwanted... but you are a good man who recognises your wife is ill. This is something she has chosen to fight against without you and although you want to be there for her, sometimes stepping back is the best way to do this.
If you keep focusing on the horrible situation you are faced with, it will take over every aspect in your life which is not healthy for you or your Son... and he needs you to be strong for him right now. I’m not religious per se, but I think the serenity prayer is a great tool for learning to accept what we cannot change, focus on what we can change right now and know what to leave alone...
'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage to change the things I can And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time Enjoying one moment at a time Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace Taking this evil world as it is... not as I would have it Trusting that all things will be made right'
What you CAN change/control right now is being a good, happy Dad, being a supportive person to your wife (letting her know you are there) and making your life and mind happy.
What you CANNOT change is your wives illness, who she chooses to surround herself with and the mistakes she makes along the way.
Try to focus on what you can change, the rest you have to let go. Things that are meant to be, find a way of being so... you have to trust it will come good in the end (either way), in order for you to live a happy life and be a happy Dad.
You will get through this you know...
We’re here if you need to rant / rave / cry or just chat and I hope you will keep talking to us so we can support you through this difficult time.
Here for you Nat xxx
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