notloggedanonymouse
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Post by notloggedanonymouse on Feb 20, 2011 2:43:31 GMT
Thanks for your post. She has since resumed contact, told me she is not 'seeing' him but wants space to live her life on her own. Within a week she needed me because she had panic attacks so i saw her and she bought me food and we spent the night together. The next day was back to only contacting to see my son. It's really hard when I have to see her. She seems very happy, just like the other times she has done this. I have to put myself into the right place again to 'get over' the sudden change in my life. I am so worried about her, but I have to stop that, too. It's so hard.
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Post by juppster on Feb 20, 2011 9:10:43 GMT
I can imagine all this mixed messages are extremely hard for you to deal with and its not entirely fair of her to be doing this to you. As said before, i think its now up to you to start protecting yourself from any further heartache by maybe distancing yourself a little bit from the situation? I can appreciate this will be difficult but think if you don't this may continue to go around in circles for a long time which ultimately will be no good for either of you. Wishing you luck x
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 20, 2011 9:44:50 GMT
Totally understand how difficult this must be for you but as Juppster says, distancing yourself for the sake of your own sanity may be the best option here.
By sleeping with her and accepting her advances, you're enabling her to treat you this way, and you don't deserve that. By stepping back and resisting her advances you may actually help her to get some perspective on the situation and she may get the help she needs to improve her life and potentially your relationship.
While ever she can split her life into sections, she will ...because that's easier than facing the real issue. You have to be strong and realise that by stepping back emotionally not only are you helping yourself, but you are ultimately helping her too.
You have to think of your own health too... and put that first for you and your Son.
Here for you Nat xxx
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notloggedanonymouse
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Post by notloggedanonymouse on Feb 20, 2011 21:49:33 GMT
You are both so right.
I'm so worried about her but she is out partying and seems to have entirely forgotten about all what we have been through, and stayed with each other to see the day she would have put most of this behind her.
It's no wonder that she associates me with it all, because I was there through it all! I think she associates that with her depression which I think has lifted a fair amount now.
She has blocked my entire family from her facebook account, always seems happy and asks if I'm 'ok' and even tells me about her new hair colour not taking properly!
Every time my phone makes a noise I hope it is her. I have given up so much for her at this point and I am struggling with the thought that I invested my time for another person to step in and just take it away, or worse still, send her crashing back down again...
I feel so helpless. I can't seem to focus on anything else yet. I have tried so hard, sometimes I just want to talk but there's not always someone there (the samaritans tend to just listen.. which helps sometimes but no feedback is ever really given).
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Post by Weeble on Feb 20, 2011 22:26:08 GMT
Oh you poor soul, this has clearly been a very difficult time for you. The girls above speak such truth, but pni is a hard hard illness it impacts everyone, partners, children, parents and friends. Its late and I need to sleep but promise to post more to you soon. Keep talking to us girls here we will chat back.
Kat
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 20, 2011 23:08:43 GMT
Well we're all here for you This is so hard for you I know but i think you just need to see this as a real separation... So you can move on and deal with all this. Hanging on like you are is just going to keep you in a stalemate, hard for you to get out of and waiting to be told the outcome by your wife. It's just not healthy for you. If you accept that you are no longer together, if she comes back when she is better then that's a good thing but at least you're not waiting on baited breath for someone else to tell you if you can be happy. If you build up your strength and get yourself happy again, for you, things will be better all round in the future. Be strong, you will be happy again, whether that be with your wife or not. You just have some healing to do and time is a big healer. N
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notloggedanonymouse
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Post by notloggedanonymouse on Feb 20, 2011 23:24:08 GMT
That helped a lot, thanks to you both.
I just find it so difficult to imagine not being there for her. At which point do I decide that I should be there for her? Seeing as it has been being there for her which has always helped in the past?
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Post by wanagetoverthis on Feb 21, 2011 0:11:58 GMT
Hi
You can always be there for her, she's the Mother of your child so you will always be connected. You just need to separate the emotion in the sense of 'will saying this make her want me' kind of way... and get yourself to the point where you can be there for her as a friend, not an ex who still wants her.
Just think to yourself that it is over, so you can move on but let her know you are there... but not there for her to just use when she feels like it.
If she comes back down the line and says she feels better and realises she wants to be with you then say fine but let's take it slow, go for one date a week... So you can see if it's just a momentary lapse on her part or if she genuinely is trying to rebuild bridges with you.
You have to protect your heart first and foremost because as Kat said, PNI affects everyone and if you know your wife is not thinking straight and is acting differently right now, then you need to make sure that you are thinking straight, for your Son to know things will get better.
This is going to take time for you, you wont feel better overnight ...but if you accept that this is the way it is for the foreseeable future, then you will begin to feel better in yourself because you wont be hanging on for something that may or may not not happen.
Lotsalove N x
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Post by Weeble on Feb 21, 2011 15:20:18 GMT
Wtgot writes very wise words, look after yourself and your child first. However, I behaved like your partner to my now husband 20 years ago after a horrific event, I blamed him for not being there for me so dumped him and behaved like your girlfriend. I went out and partied very hard, slept around, got drunk and played very hard. I had a great time, but I was covering up some terribly deep emotional pain, I like your partner, went back and slept with my ex on one occasion. It hurt him so much, he did not understand, he still does not know why I did this. We did eventually get back together only once he had moved on and I suffered another significant life event. I tell you this not because I want to give you hope, because for many people it does not work out as so, but to let you know your are not the only person to suffer this way and you are so right that her pain is keeping her away. Keep strong, look after yourself and child. Be kind to yourself, you are having a very hard time, have a night out with your mates, go for a swim or a run what ever makes you happy, love your son, you are providing him with a loving caring secure home.
Kat
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anonymousenotlogged
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Post by anonymousenotlogged on Mar 3, 2011 3:30:57 GMT
Can I take this to email if possible please? Thank you all for your support.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 3, 2011 18:28:17 GMT
Hi anonymousenotlogged
I can understand that you would rather converse with us in a slightly less public place. If you contact the staff by pm (they are all volunteers all have suffered from pni), they will be able to make some suggestions to you, I am not sure but we do have some password protected areas.
Kat
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