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Post by lordleake on Jun 9, 2010 8:16:14 GMT
This message has been moved to Admin and Moderator Support Area by BAM. This has been moved for consideration by moderators. Please contact me or any other moderator with questions this can be done through the PM system. Please note we would be happy to support your wife if she wants to come on here herself.
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Post by bam02 on Jun 9, 2010 9:10:47 GMT
Too little, too late? « Thread Started Yesterday at 7:29pm » deep breath. 8 years ago when my now wife and i were first getting together, she opened up to me and told me that she was the victim of childhood sexual abuse. She had blocked the memories and was now having flashbacks I failed to cope with this. I listened quietly. Hugged her. And asked her if there was any chance she had imagined it...
I was a stupid 21 year old with no idea just how evil the world could be. No experience of anything like that. I realise just how hurtful this question was and it meant that my wife didn't talk about this to me for along time. When we circled around the topic she was so composed (putting a face on it) that I never addressed it. A couple of weeks ago it occurred to me that the scary conversation that I had been putting off, had been put off for 8 years. I cannot begin to apologise for this. I am her husband. She is my love. I should have been there for her. Mea Culpa.
10 months ago our youngest son was born and I started a business with my father.
You know what. I cannot write this without sounding like a monumental tool. I know I failed my wife but I never tried to hurt her. I just abandoned her to her own demons and am now paying for this. It is right that I feel the way I do.
I'm going to have a soak in the bath, let some of this Jack boil out of my system and then try again. Back soon.
Moved from admin area by BAM
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Post by bam02 on Jun 9, 2010 9:38:47 GMT
I am sorry you are sounding so distressed and everything seems so difficult now. Glad you are getting some help. But really no one can help your wife unless she wants too as well. So she can sign here any time if she thinks it will help.
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Post by bam02 on Jun 10, 2010 8:59:07 GMT
Re: Too little, too late? « Reply #1 on Jun 8, 2010, 9:37pm » ________________________________________ Right. Thoughts no more in order but at least clean now. I started to fail two years ago. I got a promotion at work that I couldnt handle and it took up more of my time than it should have. I became cruder, making innapropriate jokes and comments and this eventually led to me losing my job. My wife stood by me during this hard period. She was pregnant with our youngest son by this point and it was not an easy pregnancy. For some damned stupid reason we thought tit would be a good idea for my dad and i to set up a business as neither of us could find work. We opened a week after my son was born. My wife developed PNI and I was working 75 hours a week trying to improve our future. Being the first year I wasn't even bringing home much money, just working a lot and not caring for my wife when she needed me. Her PNI got so bad when combined with our relationship issues that every weekend I'd look after our kids and she'd go out drinking with her friends. She never came home till the last possible moment, staying out afterthey had gone home in many cases. She came home one night so drunk and upset (we'd had an arguement before she went put) that she smashed our wedding china and cut herself. She wanted us to divorce. We worked through this (although with hindsight maybe we actually didn't) and we went to her gp and she was prescribed anti depressants. it was also suggested we see relate but only after the pills kicked in. My wife told me this was my responsibilty. The decision was made to try and sell our business. My fincances were in tatters and i'm facing bankruptcy anyway. Lets just get rid of it all and spend more time together. She really wanted to try for a career herself and I would be a happy househusband.
It took time to wind up the business. It was stressful and i even needed to get checked out for a possible heart attack (just stress though). So now we get to the week. On the Tuesday I complete the sale of the trickiest asset of the company. The one that means we can pay our family back what they loaned us to get started. She was also inappropriately approached by a postman she was friedns with on facebook who had spotted that she was receiving an ann summers package. He messaged her and brought it round himself instead of the guy whose round it is. So began a week of flirty text messages. On the friday I finished the last job of the old business. We were out of the office and our new lives were just about to befgin. After a 10 hour drive I get home and she gets ready to go out. She has bought a very pretty little thong to go out in. I comment on how pretty and sexy she is. We seem good. Her messages earlier in the week were very loving and supportive. She goes and gets very drunk and snogs this guys. SHe doesn't remember if there was groping,but she says there probably was.
I texted her some flirty stuff, she reciprocated. She sent me some very sexy messages on her walk home and we had some pretty kinky stuff happen when she got back. I then went upstairs to move our 3 year old back into his own bed, by the time i came downstairs she was passed out and would not wake up. I put some underwear on her, covered her in a blanket and jumper and went to bed. To be honest I was angry at her for staying out so late and for getting so drunk despite there being "good stuff" in it for me.
The next day was her only day off that week. She spent the day in bed hungover. I mad ehomemade donughts with maple glaze for the first time to help her get over the hangover. She didn't seem to want to see me or the children. That evening she said she wasn't happy and would sleep in with our girls. She went to work the next day. When she came home I said that because she needed sleep more than me I would kip on the couch so she could have the bed if she wanted, and she ended the relationship.
She told me that the past year had just been too hard and that she had enough. She told me there was no trigger for this and no other men involved. She went to her friends house. I was devastated. I looked after the kidsw the next morning and she asked if I could head out for a bit so she could have a bath. She bathed, shaved a part of her that I had begged for 7 years to see shaved, and sent naked pictures to this man. They had been texting even after she had ended it saying there was no other man. She took pictures on our marriage bed. She put on outfits that she had worn for me. They had been texting about having a purely sexual relationship, an affair. That they wouldn't even have to be exclusive.
I dug. I don't believe in "no trigger" breakups. I dug and I found all this out. She stayed the following friday night at home and I looked on her mobile and saw the pictures. God she looked sexy. We had massive arguments when she had found me looking at porn (something she used to be into) and now she was sending these pictures (that I would have loved to have been sent) to this guy. We had it out until 4:30 in the morning. She then ent to bed. I did angry things. Changed her facebook password to "cheatingprostitute" sent him messages from her giving my nimber saying"call me NOW". I lost it. I went looking for him at half 5. I found myself outside his post office with a stanley knife waiting for him. I'm the most laid back, casual, passive man you could ever meet but I just lost the plot. I found out he had the day off and just drove for two hours. I finally took myself to a quiet place I used to go to. A hill with some woods. I left anything that could hurt me in the car (pills, knife) and went to be alone.
As i walked up to the gate. (Edit I thought of attemting suicide edit). I managed to contact a friend of mine who works in mental health (I knew i just needed someone to take care of me) and lay on the field. He was going to be 45 minutes. I then called one of her friends who had been supporting us both and told her what had happened between my wife and the postman. She said she could see him now. I was up on my feet heading for my car, demanding to know where he was. She said he had dissapeared and I was ten minutes walk from my car. I was howling with frustration. I t wanted him to feel some of the pain he had given me. I would never lay a finger on my wife but someone had to bleed for this. We may not have been perfect but our new start was right there and they had taken it away from me. From my kids. This frustration and anger and jsut pure despair pushed me to the woods.. Sent my wife a message telling her to hug the children and that I forgive her and love her. I (attemptempted suicide edit)
(I failed in my attempt edit). My friend came and found me sitting there. I couldnt even get the damn thing down. He took me back to his and cared for me. He helped me realise that I had got into a reallly bad place myself and this was why I couldnt help my wife. And that my wifes issues had meant she couldnt help me. I realised just how badly I had abandoned her and that I had failed in my role as her husband. I agreed with her decision not to want to live with me anymore. I wasnt supporting her. I was making things worse. And I wasn't dealing with my problems because I had always pinned hope on the next life change doing that for me.
Shes broken things off with this other guy and says that when she told him I knew he didnt care about how she was at all. Just himself. They didn;t sleep together. I still love my wife. But I am now homeless (kipping at my mums for now) jobless with a reference that says left pending disciplinary, facing bankruptcy. And the one thing I am good at (being a dad) I got within a whisker of doing full time and now... Well.
I have resolved to get myself sorted. I saw the GP yesterday and spilt it. im on pills myself (same as the wife) for the first time in my life and have some counselling lined up. I have resolved to finally give my wife the support she deserves. The support I should have given her 8 years ago or at any point since then . I came to you here on the site seeking knowledge about what shes facing and what help there is and I am just so inspired by the ladies on here. It was hard enough to sit and spill this pain out to a mountain of strangers. You guys are sharing pain you've hidden for years. I now consider my wife a survivor and the strength that she has is awe inspiring but I am terrified that if she doesn't face these demons that she will return to her pre-me ways (I know that sounds big headed but sleeping around and self harming were commonplace before we got together. she has only self harmed twice in 8 years so I know I must be worth something to her). She is already positng on facebook about "which me do you like more (maiden name) wild, crazy fun or (married name) sensible and boring".
Yesterday was a good day though. I had a good chat with her where I admitted that I was getting help and that she inspires me to be better. That I was not a good person to be living with and that I abandoned her. I'm sure I reached her. But although the day was good, when I went to bed the pictured started. His grinning face. Her pictures. The lies I was wtold. I need to keep it together to be strong for her and support her but i couldnt sleep. it took me nealry 4 hours to finally pass out. Today i was like a zombie. I managed to stay positive when I saw her but started drinking at 4. I've never done that. I had our boys over in the morning and just had no energy. Once I had droppe dthem off with her I came back to my mums and just lost it, crying, listening to loud angry music. Drinking. I even whipped my leg with a piece of wire (never done that before either). I miss what i have lost. Today was not a good day. But tomorrow will be. I'm going to move forward on my plan. I'm gonna go swimming (shift some of this gut) I'm gonna surpirse my wife with a random act of kindness. I will not lose. God tested me ANDIM STILL HERE.
that was good to get out. If this post ever disapears it is a great thing. It means I have got my wife signed up and reading this forum. She needs people like you. As a husband who has failed his wife,. and I cried because I knoew I had done that to my own wife. I had created my own future pain. Going to try to sleep now.Thank you quiet computer for letting me tap away my thoughts. I am sorry to use this forum space for myself. I hoep I can helpp support my wife to get to the point where she can speak to you. And I know you will be there for her in a way I didn't. I love you silly pumpkin girl.
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Post by bam02 on Jun 10, 2010 9:34:01 GMT
I do think what you have said is heartfelt and honest. It must be causing you so much pain. It is hard to help others when you are hurting yourself. I hope you find a counsellor that you can talk too in person that you get along with it can really help. Then maybe when you feel better or at least listened too. You will be able to support your wife so much better. Well done for talking. Come back and talk if it helps.
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Post by winegirl on Jun 10, 2010 16:22:55 GMT
Hi LordLeake,
Welcome to the site x
I cannot believe how much you have been through/are going through, and think you have done brilliantly to be able to write all this and get it out. I hope that has helped somewhat?
You say you have a friend who works in mental health who helped you out? Do you ever get to talk to him/her much?
Also, I was wondering, are you getting any help from secondary services yourself? Looking after yourself is your number 1 priority right now..
Do come back and talk anytime, we are always here and listening x
Take Care
WG x
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Post by lordleake on Jun 10, 2010 18:34:02 GMT
I cannot begin to say just how cool you people are. This is not a forum built for people such as myself. Men acting in the way I did continue the damage that you have all suffered and yet you have been lovely. What is above was meant to be background information about what my wife is going through (that has directly affected me so I feel comfortable talking about the details) in order to find ways to help her. But it just became a self indulgent rant. I am not a bad person. I tried to be a good dad, husband and businessman but failed to balance that out. What breaks my heart most of all is that we had gotten through the hard stuff (i thought) and were just about to enter a new life together where the focus would be time, not money.
I'm gonna be fine. I have a good support structure around me (if not the willingness ti use it, I should be at a pub in b'mouth right now watching my friends band, instead I'm lamenting my failures in my mums box room) but she won't be. Right at this second she is far more composed than I but she is 6 weeks ahead of me on the pills (we're on the same). I'm in the really bad patch of side effects now but what she carries around in her heart is terrifying. I just really want her to be happy, and lets be honest, right now i want her to be happy in my company. I want us back together as that was the last time I was happy. She isn't showing any signs of not wanting me out of the house, I dont blame her though as i was part of her problem.
I saw him today. His daughter is one of my eldest's best friends. I had just picked her up and was walking out the gates talking about the painting she did for me when he walked past. This is the man I've been trying to find. I haven't been in a fight since I was 14 but this is the guy I just want to destroy. To scream "you do not touch another mans wife" at. And he walks straight past me. My girl is there. We're at her school. I can't do anything. Last time I couldn't get to him I did something stupid, now I just have to smile at my daughter and take her home.
Sorry, self indulgent ranting again. Right.
WG - My mental health fella. Strange to think that someone you haven't seen in 6 months is the one you turn to. When I sat on that hill I knew I needed someone else to come and take away all need for me to look after myself. I knew I was gonna lose it and was at least together enough to get his number and call. He checks on me every couple of days. Having fallen behind with the things I said I would do and having had far too much contact with my ex I feel kind of embarrassed to talk to him though. I have an introductory session of counselling set up for next wednesday if thats what you mean by secondary service.
Yesterday morning was a good day. I woke up early and couldnt get back to sleep. Decided that I was going to have just a really nice day with my wife. I dressed nicely and ent round after the kids would already have woken her up. Rang the doorbell and said "if i do the school run and help you catch up on the housework you were going to do today will you come shoppoing with me and help me pick out some new clothes" Then I told her how cute she looked and kissed her. We had a good day but I was a bit manic at times, desperately trying to make everything perfect. I held it together for the drive over and we shared a few tender moments, honest moments during the day. But then when we got back I jokingly tried to kiss her again. DUMBEST THING EVER> if i hadnt done that I would have walked out feeling great but i was feeling good and positive. we had a 20 second benny hill moment and I think that all my good work for the day was undone.
I know I need to set the boundaries between us much more strictly than when we were married. I just hope the mood stabilisers kick in soon to help me be more neutral towards her.
I am sorry about the length and random nature of this but you are a very good ear. I dont feel stupid when I do this. I feel stupid for the mistakes that I've made but the process of pouring this out onto a laptop screen. It's really hard that I set myself the goal of supporting my wife and yet she is in a more stable place than i am right now. I was making a big effor tto be cheerful with my girls when they were over last night. My eldest went back home early and told my wife that I was acting strangely. Yes, I was. I was dancing with my 7 + 8 year olds, something I was too damn busy for before. BUt my wife just see's this strung out, doped up loser. Enough now. Hands shaking. Need time. Back later. Thank you again for your help
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Post by winegirl on Jun 10, 2010 18:47:42 GMT
Hi again
Yes, you need to be there for your wife, but my husband has a great saying - you need to care for the carer. So it is only right that you have a place where you can come and talk also about what is going on in your head and how you are feeling, if you are not in a good place yourself, then you cannot be there for anyone else!
I am glad your friend checks in on you. Yes, I like you have a friend i see about twice a year, but know if i was in deep poop she would be the one to ring..
As for the meds, this is going to take some time. Probably many weeks. So you will just hav eto hang in there. And even then they will not ba a miracle; another great quite from a doctor i know; "the meds are like a life jacket, they will stop you from dorwning, but you have to get yourself out of the water". Working in the services myself I hear some clever stuff come out of doctors mouths (as well as some pretty stupid stuff!), but this one has stuck because it is sooo true.
Do keep coming back here if it helps? And do not apologise for your first post, its actually great that you could let it all out and be so honest with yourself!
Take Care
WG x
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Post by bam02 on Jun 10, 2010 18:48:20 GMT
Good to see you again. Good news about the counselling session coming up probably to see what you need. Pretty quick too. Let us know if it helps if you want too that is.
I have a 7 year old daughter a lovely age. Old enough to play and sit a while without you, yet still love your interaction at other times too.
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Post by lordleake on Jun 10, 2010 23:03:10 GMT
She's changed her name on facebook. Hyphenated her maiden name into it. ouch
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Post by bam02 on Jun 11, 2010 8:58:27 GMT
Its probably just a way of striking out for indepence. Try not to let it bother you. It really is hard if someone kicks out but if you try and look after yourself first then its a better and stronger man for her to come back too if she so wishes.
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2010 10:03:34 GMT
To be honest, i have been thinking of doing that, but only because people from my past may not recognise me by my married name.. It could be as innocent as that?
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Post by lordleake on Jun 11, 2010 12:18:41 GMT
When I asked her about it she got really defensive. She knew it would bite me but she didn't care as I'm not hers anymore. I really have been kidding myself that this is somehow solvable. We are over I guess. All I can do is sort myself out, be the best dad I can be, and maybe hope that, as you say, I can become the sort of man she could fall in love with again. Maybe the old us do need to break up. If there can be a new us then maybe they have a chance.
Just reaaalllllly hoping she doesn't sleep with anyone. Could not face that safely.
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Post by lordleake on Jun 11, 2010 17:27:42 GMT
Well, it's time for me to move on from this forum. Sadly it has now turned nasty. The support she promised me has been withdrawn. She knew that I had accessed her facebook and email to discover her lie (and is still lying to me even now) but today had to deal with that and she lost it. Called me all terrible things. Said that what she did was not as bad as the year I gave her. This is no longer about me trying to help her get through her illness but about me not losing my kids or house if I can avoid it. Therefore this is no longer the right place to discuss this issue. On the upside it turns out that I'm to cowardly to actually top myself. After our row I had a couple of goes but just couldn't quite step over the line. Desperately want to. My life is a pit of turd and she's just put the lid on. Many thanks.
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2010 18:02:26 GMT
Hi Lord leake
This does not stop you from using this forum if you wish to talk here? We would welcome you to talk here if it helps? As you can see many of us post here off topic etc, including myself! 4 years in and i no longer talk about PNI here but other issues in my life.
Yes, you need to bethe best man and the best dad you can be and that is all that matters. Nothing is ever more important than doing the best by your kids.
So please, if talking here helps, do continue, we are always about to listen.
Take Care
WG xx
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