cant carry on,, what should i do?

[nenee]

Hi there

Im feeling so lost, scared and at the lowest iv ever felt right now and im worried,, and i feel il never get better,, and dont want to face the day anymore BUT i have to as have 3 children who i adore,,but i have nothing left to give,, im exhausted with life!

Ok,, iv always had anxiety and i had my 3rd child 10 months ago, since then iv not been well... so of course iv been diagnosed with post natal depression but my anxiety is so bad

i have nightmares every night which are very graffic,, cant sleep and wake up through out the night and im exhausted,,

Im constantly worried about my little girl, iv wanted a girl for so long and iv finally got the most precious little thing ever, BUT im worrid someone will take her away from me, or something will happen to her,, this is so bad im constantly checking that everything is ok and i worry a peadophile will harm her and wont leave her with anyone except my mother in law in fear of her being abused... You see I was abused as a child and no one protected me! and i dont want that for my daughter, iv even had nightmares of this happening and woke crying..

Im suffering with the following:

constant pain in my shoulders and neck which depresses me big time... this went awy when i was perscriped dosulepin and i started to feel good... BUT i started with a face rash under my nose and on my chin which has got worse so im off the meds now and bang my neck pain back and i cant sleep.. what do I do? I tried citrolapam before dosulepin and i felt so ill... so im scared to take anything now as the side effects are not good

anxious about anything and everything

cant sleep well

crying, depressed and angry and just dont want to get up in the morning...

Iv ordered st johns wort and imhoping that will help with the muscle pain and anxiety as i cant go on like this

I just need to hear that the muscle pain is from the PND/ANXIETY and will go like it did when on the dosulepin, but what is a good med that will help?

im reluctant to go back the doctors as he will give me another horrbile med and il be back to square one, i need to know which is good for anxiety and willnot give me bad weight gain as iv worked so hard to get my weight of..

sorry iv babbled on here but i need help from somewhere...

cheers

[HintOfSunshine]

Hi Nenee,

A big welcome to the forum from me & the other lovely ladies here. I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment, lots of us here suffer/ed with anxiety, so really do understand how you’re feeling. Have a good look around & see what tips have been given in the past, you might find some you find helpful.

I can fully understand the anxiety about your little girl, it must be just awful! I do think though that that type of anxiety is something all mothers get at some point & sounds normal to me. I guess it feels very intense for you at the moment & a bit out of control. Are you having any counselling at all?

The shoulder & neck pain/nightmares etc really do sound like anxiety/ stress related to me. What ways or techniques, if any, are you trying to relax & unwind? With 3 children, you have a lot on your plate so it’s extra important to find time & be good to yourself.

Don’t worry about going back to the doctors, it sounds like you need to discuss the different medication & side effects in detail, until you find one that you’re happy with. I was on Citrolapam & found it very good with very few side effects. How long did you try it for as it can take weeks for it to take effect? I was advised against St Johns wort as I needed something that was regulated, it might be worth asking your Dr about it. Sometimes you do have to persevere & try different meds until you get the right one for you, but it really is worthwhile. Just don’t give up trying & you will get there!

Hang in there because it really WILL get better! I hope this blip eases soon for you soon, keep talking & we’re here for you in the meantime.

Axx

[juppster]

Hi Nenee and welcome x
Im sorry you are suffering at the moment honey but just know that it will not last forever and it will get better. As A says above, it really would be worth going back to your gp and telling them your concerns about medication...unfortunately as she says the meds can take a while to start working...sometimes a few months to see any benefits and believe me i know how hard it is to keep going through that.
Like you, i suffer with sever anxiety and my shoulders, neck and head are always sore and uncomfortable, i would say yours is most definitely down to anxiety. I dont know if its possible due to finances but maybe booking yourself a nice massage? Failing that i drop a few lavender drops into my bath at night to help me relax and practice a relaxation cd once or twice per week.
I know things seems really bleak for you at the moment mate, but you will get through. Have you discussed any kind of talking therapy with your gp? You may find that this, along with a combination of medication may really start to make the difference.
Just know you are not alone, please keep talking here if you find it helpful, thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs xx

[nenee]

thank you for replying so quick

i spoke to a pnd helpline today as i just needed to get some advice and she said the same thing as you both,, ineed to have counselling and try another med...

but i tried citrolopam and i had bad flu like symptoms wa like a zombie had bad migrains and i had to stop them it was horrid, why do i have side effects so bad and others are ok on them?

im scared of trying another as they all have side effects and when i look into them no one ever says yeh these are fab they just say how they make them more ANXIOUS or the side effects are worse than the pnd

I feel lost right now and dont know where to turn, i just dont want to be doped up for the next year,, am i beig stupid?

I also dont want to put on weight as iv worked hard to loose my weight and if i put on weight i feel more depressed

I just feel all i do is moan about im never happy anymore the fun loving girl i once was has gone, i dont have even 5 minutes to myself in the week and lucky if i get a hr on a satruday as i work all day sunday and will be back to my job in the week in march..

im 40 years old and not sure if hormones have anything to do with how im feeling too..maybe im premenapausal?

Did anyone use a med that was good for the anxiety and not cause it too be worse?

cheers

[juppster]

Hi again Nenee...firstly well done on contacting the helpline..that was a very brave thing to do and a great step in the right direction. Secondly you are not being stupid regarding the meds. Nobody wants to feel doped up on medication and this really shouldn't be the case once you adjust to them..but as i said before, this unfortunately could take some time...do you mind me asking how long you tried the citalopram for? Unfortunately some of the side effects can make things feel worse before you start to turn the corner and this time scale is different for everybody. I found that Citalopram was particularly good for my anxiety and also Sertraline but as i said, everybody is different and your gp would be the best person to discuss this with.
I so understand what you say about feeling as though you are moaning all the time and not feeling like you used to but this is because you are ill at the moment, not because you have changed as a person.
Im sure hormones do play some part in our mood and anxiety levels so it may also be worth asking your gp for some blood tests to check your levels...it doesn't hurt to rule these things out.
I think its vitally important for you to try and get some time for yourself. This is something i struggled massively with due to feeling guilty about having some "me" time, but it is such an important part of recovery..is there anyone that can mind the children just for an hour or so a week so you can go off and do something just for you...even if its just lying in a bubble bath reading a magazine?
I think the first step is going to talk to your gp..never think you are on your own, keep talking here honey, we all know what you're going through xx

[nenee]

Hi ya

Thank you for replying

i think i took them for a week before i gave up as felt so ill on them and i guess worried they were doing me harm(anxiety again) plus i couldnt function was extremely tired bad enough coping with 3 kids as it is...

how long did u have the side effects for and what dosage were u on? when did u feel good again? did you sleep well on them and put weight on?

How were u on setraline? was one better than the other? iv not tried setraline is it good for sleeping and anxiety etc?

sorry so many questions

[wanagetoverthis]

Hi Nenee

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time.

I had counselling and no meds but from what other girls have said around the forum before I think is that it takes from 2 weeks to a couple of months for them to kick in. Most girls say after 2 weeks they start to feel better but as Juppster said everyone is different, 2 weeks seems to be the minimum.

Alot of the girls have posted during the time when they start taking meds and it does get harder before it gets better but you need to keep telling yourself as hard as you can that the feelings are temporary and it WILL improve, because it really does hunni.

Lotsalove
Nat xxx

[Weeble]

Hi nenee

I have three children, aged 4, 1 and 4 months. I have suffered with severe pni since the traumatic delivery of my second son. I remember all the feelings you described I was so confused by what was happening to me. Starting the antidepressants was hard and I felt much worse before they helped. However the side effects go away after time and although I rattle with drugs now they will work. Think of it not like antibiotics which cure the infection in a couple of days but more like chemotherapy that takes time to destroy the cancer of pni.

I have come to learn with my pni that ultimately counselling, therapy, psychology is the cure, the surgery that will make you better but the drugs are like a plaster allowing the healing to take place.

This place has been so essential for my recovery from this illness and I have a long way to go. But the girls here are so friendly and these feelings and thoughts which seem so isolating and scary can have their sting removed by finding out you are not alone.

Keep talking we will all listen

Kat

[Weeble]

P.s sertraline is a great drug, seen as the best first line treatment for pnd. I liked it a lot but was allergic too it.

Kat

[juppster]

Hey Nenee
I can't really add to anything else that the girls have said above. I know how desperate you are for answers as i used to feel this way. Unfortunately, as everyone is so different it varies so widely. I know that the drugs can make you feel awful, i have been there so many times but they do need time if you can stomach them. How are you feeling today my lovely? xx

[Weeble]

Oh forgot to say I am 40 too. Would love to talk more, looking forward to hearing from you.

Kat

[monica]

Hello and welcome

I'm so sorry you're going through such a diffiuclt time. This illness is awful and can have really bad and distressing symptoms. I would echo the advice given by the girls above - do try counselling - talking about your thoughts, which are a very common symptom of pni, can really help. I too remember being quite paranoid about anybody looking after my children for fear of then being abused. If you have suffered abuse yourself having a daughter can really bring those fears to the forefront. My obsession if you like were about illnesses and death - but it sprialled out of control to the point I couldn't eat/sleep etc, so you are not alone by any means.

Well done on contacting the pnd helpline - that was very brave. It sounds as if you got good advice.

I was on citalopram and felt dreadful for the first few weeks but then things improved slowly after a few weeks. It can take a good few months for meds to kick in. It's also quite common for women to try a few different types before they get on ewhich works for them.

Monicax

[nicola1712]

Hi Neenee

Welcome to the site from me and how are you doing today?

I too had the anxiety symptoms esp about my daughter when she was tiny - was so worried anything and everything was going to happen to her, I had always wanted a girl and now I had one and she was so precious to me (well, still is!). Had to keep going into her room cos I didn't trust the monitors etc. Couldn't leave her with anyone else, even my husband.

I always had tense shoulders, dreaded getting up, couldn't be bothered with life, knackered etc and carried this silent weight around with me and I just put it down to part of motherhood but as we know it was more the PNI.

I am on Citalopram as well now, I started on Fluoxetine but it just wasn't doing it for me whatever the dosage - so I went back to the docs and they tried Citalopram instead - and yes it does help with the worrying but took a couple weeks to kick in (getting worse before better as well). Boy do I know if I have forgotten to take it - major worries and start thinking terrible things are gonna happen to both of my kids now!

Do go back to your docs - there are so many things you can try, different meds etc, they can try you on but do give them a chance to work as well. Not sure if you can take St Johns Wort whilst on ADs but I could be wrong - check the paperwork as they say!

Hope you come back and tell us how you are doing soon hun.

xxx

[kmum]

Hi Nenee

Just wanted to give your experience of antidepressants since January.

I was given Citilopram and 4 days later had flu symptoms, couldn't get out of bed and the worst anxiety iv ever experienced! Like I was high on heroine or something! Doc recommended I stop immediately.

I tried without meds for few weeks as the first lot scared me too much! it seems you know what i mean! They then gave me Fluoxetine which is similar drug (SSRI) and 7 days in I had exactly same symptoms! Had to wait 3 days until felt like was coming 'down' off heroine!

I was so upset and thought there were no more options for me. Until my CBT counsellor I had started seeing said he was confused as to why they had prescribed me another SSRI drug instead of a more obvious drug (SSNI like Effexor) that will react differently and is more specific for depression with anxiety.

I started on Effexor 3 weeks ago, first week doc told me to take 1 every other day and then one each day thereafter. Now...it's not been a breeze. I seemed to feel lower and often 'nervous' and shaky. Vision disturbances and dizziness. Felt numb and unresponsive for weeks and extremely tired. But iv turned corner and finally these past 4 days have been marvellous! I feel normal. Smiley and like my old self! Still not back at work and still tired AND ACHES but think has a lot to do with being so uptight for do long and your body is in 'fight or flight' mode!

So there may be another meds option for you! Ask the doc for SSNI. They can explain difference. Keep in touch and hang on in there!

K

[Sareena]

Nenee- I am learning and still getting used to the idea that postnatal anxiety can cause physical symptoms. I. Getting better but I used to feel like my chest was tight, and then it would heighten my anxiety. It's a cycle.
I was so confused and had a hard time believing it at first because sometimes my breast bones actually feel bruised.
My practitioner assured me that anxiety can cause all sorts of symptoms. I also have neck/back pains. We don't realise how much were tensing up our muscles when we're stressed or anxious and lack of sleep doesn't help either. When I was first diagnosed I was prescribed larazapam. It was hell on Earth and I was too was nervous about talking to doctor's.
I am getting much better thanks to ACUPUNCTURE and CHINESE MEDICINE.
It's so tough, but hang in there, I keep reminding myself that others have gone through this and they got through it, WE WILL TOO!