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Post by Weeble on Mar 1, 2012 19:00:40 GMT
Hi Jay
I am so sorry you feel so hopeless, please reach for help. Monicas advice is spot on. Let us know you are ok
Kat
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Post by juppster on Mar 1, 2012 19:41:01 GMT
Hey Jay, just want to reiterate what the other girls have said. Please let us know how you are xx
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Post by Jay on Mar 2, 2012 19:50:42 GMT
On Tuesday I told the Psychologist that I did not think I was depressed, but you may have highlighted that perhaps I am, I think that I am just warn into the ground.
Today has not been so bad, I spent the day with my sister. I did pass out on her this morning but she did not make a big deal of it. I have been thinking about what you all have said about getting help, I am frightened what they will do. I have the assistant Psychologist coming sometime next week she only looks about 21, I am wondering if I could chat it over with her, she is not so scary and is about half way through her training she goes back to Uni in September, I know that she will not know what to say, but I wonder if I asked her not to tell the Psychologist or Psychiatrist if she would just chat to help me decide what to do. [ My thoughts are that she would probably have to tell..which answers my own question] but she might steer me in the right direction.. I just need to talk to them without them going barmy or frightening me. I feel that I just need someone else to look after me and do all the worrying and working out what to do, I am tired with it all. I so want my family not to know about my thoughts.
I am relieved that it is the weekend when OH is around, even with lots of thoughts I feel safer when someone is around, BUT I will be scared when Monday comes and I am alone again.
Thanks for letting me talk here Many thanks x
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Post by Weeble on Mar 3, 2012 8:24:57 GMT
Hi Jay
Some of the things you say resonate so with me too. I struggle to be safe and at times just want to be cared for, it's so tough. I understand these feelings for me are echos from my childhood. My husband understands me when I say I don't feel safe and he knows to be more careful with me. Perhaps you can try something like this too?
Thanks for telling us you are ok? We we all very worried for you
Kat
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Post by monica on Mar 3, 2012 19:16:16 GMT
How are you Jay. Yes definitely talk to the other psychologist. Tell her exactly how you've felt suicidal and if you can about your pill stash. You still need support and to someone to properly review Meds if you are feeling this way.
Hope the weekend s good for you. Is your sister still about?
Monica
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Post by Jay on Mar 5, 2012 21:02:20 GMT
Many thanks for writing to me.
When a feeling is indescribable what can I say to them?, all I know is that I feel so ill and this very bad feeling comes on as well and its so hell.
It was nice to see my sister, I don't know what would have happened if she had not come on Thurs afternoon, she spent the day with me on Friday. I passed out on her at breakfast which I have not done before, she was ok about it, she lives 4 hours away so I don't see her much-I wish I did because I like to chat with her and she would gee me up to do a bit more. I slightly talked a bit about myself after passing out on her, she does not really understand, I told her that I was in trouble with it all at the moment and not about my thoughts, it is not something you can say to family. She was good and went to get my precription for me.
I emailed a Hypnotherapist a couple of days ago, to ask really if he thought he could help, I did not know if he would run a mile when he read about my history and present problems, he thought he could help, he would give a 20 min apt free to assess, then it would be £90 for an hour and he said it usually takes 2-3 sessions but he could not be absolutely certain of how many. It would not be a lot of money if it worked and helped me, but there is that little element of doubt, and I would be devastated if it did not work. He treated my MIL with pain problems it did not work for her. I emailed back to say that his email had made me cry with the thought that someone might me able to help I said I would think about it and that I was awaiting a med change and that I should just wait for that before setting up an apt. I don't know what to do, I should hate it to mess up my PTSD and make me worse.
Today I woke after sleeping all night straight through. I did not have the ton weight and mess in my head at first but I felt numb and could not get up, so I stayed in bed until about 11.30. When I got up I felt really grotty and could not do or move much, I just watched a bit of TV. At about 2.15 I felt I had had enough and thought about having a glass of wine, I knew this was wrong and I could imagine the Psychologist telling me off,so instead I went and fully clothed, slippers and all I got into bed and shut my eyes and stayed there for about an hour, it felt warm and felt a comfort. I cooked our meal and while I sat at the table eating off I went again, OH tried to get me to the sofa but I ended up on the floor. I so hate it when OH is right near to my face messing about while I am on the floor, he sometimes says such stupid things which get on my nerves, I suppose he does not know what to do while I lay there with my eyes shut. I eventually was able to get up, then I felt really bad again and started all the reaching I also wet myself, I had to lay on the sofa until I felt better, then go and change as I was so wet. Life is a bit shit.
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Post by Weeble on Mar 6, 2012 20:26:54 GMT
Be careful with hypnosis and your existing conditions, it's quite a risky technique and personally I would only do it with a chartered psychologist.
I hate to admit I know you have told me before but what triggers you to faint? Is it a dissociative event?
Hoping today went well.
Kat
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Post by monica on Mar 6, 2012 20:32:04 GMT
Oh ay, what a terrible episode. If you don't mind me asking has epilepsy been ruled out? You mentioned you wet yourself and I believe that is common with epilepsy. Saying that I think you are largely conscious when you faint?
I hope today has been better fr youx
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Post by Jay on Mar 7, 2012 20:44:00 GMT
Hi
They think that I do dissociate, I am not necessarily thinking about things when I go it sometimes happens when I feel there is no reason, but I do know that when I am really poorly it happens more often. When It first started I was sent to see a Cardiologist and a Neurosurgeon to check out for heart problems and epilepsy etc, all came back clear and it just got labelled as psychological. The sickness and wetting myself on Monday was after I got up and sat on the sofa afterwards, I think it is the anxiety.
A lady came into where I worked today, and she started to say how she had just qualified as an advanced specialist Doctor??? in psychological and hypnotherapy, so I plunged straight in and ask about its effectiveness for PTSD she said hypnotherapy works on anythink and that it was very good. Then she suddenly slipped out that she was at present working with a lady who had PTSD, she then went on to say that the lady had had a block on the trauma and how the hypnotherapy had woken it up so she was now working to try to sort that out. Thats me put off, I shall not go down that road.
Well I have heard nothing from the woman who should have come this week to see me, all she has left now is to ring tomorrow to say she will come on friday, but somehow I dont think she will turn up at all, she has let me down before.
I should not be thinking about the option I thought of last week- the scary one, but although I am safe and managing again it keeps coming to mind and I know how wrong it is, I keep thinking that I need to write a 'just incase' letter. How awful is that, I am awful, I should not want to escape and hurt my family, my daughter comes home tomorrow for a long weekend having her here will sort me out, I love her so much.
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Post by Jay on Mar 8, 2012 18:34:52 GMT
I am so so sorry to write the things I said yesterday, they just needed to come out, I feel awful that later in the evening I sat in the same room as OH and wrote most of the letter on my laptop. I will try not to write awful things again, I can't afford to lose your help.
Many thanks x
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Post by monica on Mar 8, 2012 19:17:20 GMT
Please please dont' think you wrote any awful things. You need a place where you can be completely honest about how you're feeling, which is so hard face to face with hcp and often the people who are closest to you. We not judging you here at all and you have not written anything offensive. I think the fact you have this back up plan in your head is a sign of how bad you feel. Given how hard life is for you it's not suprising.
You are such a lovely, kind and warm person that comes across so clearly in what you write; I just feel for you.
How has today been? Hav eyou got any plans for the weekend? Where does you daughter live. Hope you have a fab time wiht your girl.
Monica
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Post by juppster on Mar 8, 2012 20:16:34 GMT
Never apologise for what you write in here Jay....as Monica says, please use this space to write down exactly how you are feeling, no one here is judging you. Hoping today has been a little kinder to you xx
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Post by Jay on Mar 9, 2012 23:06:11 GMT
Two thinks happened today.
The assistant Psychologist came I explained all I could and about some of my suicidal thoughts, she asked me to explain things I found it really difficuit and I got quite anxious and started to cry.
She told me that she thinks I do quite well-- I must remember how well I manage, I manage to get out of bed in the morning, I manage to work 2 days a week, I can cook the dinner, there are people who can't even do this.
She said If I only manage to get purhaps an hour now and again where I might feel a bit better then I must enjoy it. I must distract myself and not think ahead thinking that I will not manage.
I asked if she thought they would let someone come and see me once a week for a couple of weeks just so I had a marker to aim for, she just looked blank at me, she said that I could do this myself I was to cut things down into small chunks. I mentioned how I use to sometimes clock watch and live 5 mins at a time, she said this was good and that I must try this.
She said that when my normal Psycholgist was back from holiday then she would probably be in touch. She left.
I found out today that the phone number for the Samaritans shows up on our phone bill, we have virgin talk 24 which lets you talk for 60 mins no charge unless its a mobile number or something odd, their number is an 0_45?? number shone out when OH looked at it and he asked who I had talked to on that phone number for 45 mins last Thurs, I did not answer him and he just looked at me. I rang again this week so its going to show up on the next bill, so won't be able to ring them anymore.
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Post by BAM on Mar 10, 2012 14:10:55 GMT
Jay you should be able to find a local number for your area to the Samaritans. We have one the other number you use is probably national with local call rate-but still shows on bills. The local number should be the same as any other local number. i.e one you call the hairdresser etc. Try looking it up. If you need help sure we can help here and keep it private.
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Post by Jay on Mar 13, 2012 0:41:06 GMT
I've come online tonight to see if anyone is logged on and see if I could talk to them-but there is no one about.
I have my letter written to get rid of the Psychs to discharge myself, I am damned if I do and damned if I dont, if I don't do it now then they will do it soon. Part of me feels that I have to stop it now,-- or it may be that I'm not sure if it is just everything that I can't stand anymore, I know that I will not manage without any help. BUT I am so upset tonight and it seems like the end of the world and I have not even sent my letter by email yet. I am so worried about everything and so worried that I have holiday from work where I will have no company and which will give me more time to go downhill and think a lot. My birthday is on the 28th and it is always a difficult day when I always wish I was dead, so I feel like I am in the shit.
I am so sorry that I am moaning on and on as the more depressed and trapped I feel, I do wish someone was here to talk to.
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