butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 8, 2019 7:43:59 GMT
Hi So over the past few days I have been getting waves of total devastation, becoming hysterically crying, paranoid etc. Still associated with suicidal thoughts etc. After a massive fight and me threatening to pit a formal complaint in I spoke to the crisis team. Once they listened to all the referrals and the bouncing back of referrals they were appalled and apologised that I hadnt got help sooner. I went to the mental health hospital and saw a nurse and we went through everything. She said when I feel like I am in a wave of madness to take my loraepam. Not to try and work through it. She said its pointless. She said anyone in my situation would be feeling terrible and potentially needing thier help but given the fact I have Borderline personality and psychotic symptoms under stress it's not surprising I am in a state. They said they will help me get through this. I have another appt with the dr today at the mental health hospital. I am supposed to be going out with a couple of girl friends tonight for drinks. Given the fact I am on so much meds I wont drink. I didnt sleep well last night. Woke up so early. Still obsessed with him. Although when I saw him I was as cool as a cucumber and totally in control. Showed no emotional weakness etc. Communicated effectively. Yet fantasied about him hugging me. I had my filling done day before yesterday under sedation I have a lot of tooth ache now.so i am taking painkillers too. I have been writing rubbish poems to help me. And to-do lists which I keep losing. Thanks for your support. It seems impossible that I will get through all this. I sent the girl in question a message about nails. I feel thier is a atmosphere and we need to talk to clear the air. She said she was away. But actually shes not I saw her walking up the road. Also I was last night sticking my head out of the upstairs window to see if her car was there and her best friend who lives at the other end of the culture de space was walking back to her house in her pjs I waved and smiled she did back (I was pretending not to be half hanging out then window spying on her friend) great I thought got away with that and then I noticed she gave me a dirty,filthy look. She is a client and has cancelled her forthcoming appts. I haven't spoke to her about the messages her friend sent to my ex. I thought it best she didnt get involved. But I think she knows. I heard a rumour that c recieved texts from someone the night his nan died. With a name practically identical to herman the person who saw only saw a glimpse. Who knows. Feel like hiring a detective
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Post by monica on Aug 11, 2019 22:12:15 GMT
How are you Bf? Hope you’re feeling even a bit better? I imagine the waves you’ve described will carry on for a bit. It’s so hard for you but really glad crisis team are on board and giving you good solid support.
Re that girl is it worth maintaining any contact with her? Doesn’t it prolong your pain? Big hugs xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 16, 2019 11:08:54 GMT
Something has happened. Something really f**king awful. The most hardest thing on earth that I have ever had to deal with.
And whats worse. I have to tell no one. I have to be silent. I cant even say what's going in on here. And I cant give ti much away.
But not being able to tell my friends on here and the real world is f**king killing me because I need support desperately because I cant get my f**king head round this unbelievable shit.
I have started writing this down in a place no one can access too a kind of diary. That I might not ever beable to show anyone. Legal protective reasons.
Its not about carl or anything I have done. No one is dying or ill
It's about something else. Something that nightmares are made of
Right now I am in survival mode. I cannot break down. I am the leader of my pack and they need me right now more than ever before. More than what they know. I have to be alert protective.
I will get through this. I will find a strength I didnt know existed. I will be strong like a f**kung solider.
This ship has a captain, a boss that's me. And I will fight till the death for my crew.
Anger confusion and a million other emotions are running through my brain.
I am focused though.
Protect. Protect. Protect
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Post by monica on Aug 17, 2019 9:09:22 GMT
Oh Bf I’m so sorry ! Whatever it is you’re going through and for whatever reason (there’s a few I can) - please please ensure you have support. There is no law that says you can’t talk to anyone about it - maybe it’s a situation where care has to be taken as not to prejudice the situation and therefore who and where you talk to might be an issue - but do talk to someone . You need to for your own sanity xxx
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Post by monica on Aug 19, 2019 17:52:07 GMT
How are you doing Bf? X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 28, 2019 11:09:30 GMT
Hey
I still cant talk about that shit thing. But the older kids are living with me full time. Hopefully it will all get sorted and things can go back to normal soon.
I have been referred to social services. I am not scared but doubt they can help me..
Re carl. I hate him. I love him. He frustrates me.and for certain he f**king hates me. He was supposed to sort out the spare room at his dads for her and I dont think he has I think its full of junk.
He wont let me into the house which concerns me. If he continues not to I am going to ask social services to go round and inspect the place. I will be honest my head it totally f**ked up right now seriously need some help mentally. I dont know how I feel or how I am supposed to feel
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Post by monica on Aug 29, 2019 7:35:35 GMT
Hi Bf
It’s such a tough time for you. What support are you getting from mh team? Can dr help you? It’s been a bitter split and no doubt anyone would feel pretty rubbished and stressed but I imagine feeling a sense of stability is important and any support (maybe incl meds?) would be so helpful. What things can SS do to help you ?
Really hope things get sorted with older kids soon. Sounds like that may happen?
What are you concerns about J going to Cs? What’s his dad like? Maybe talk to J how she finds it and take it fri there.
You’re teally doing such an amazing job at such a tough time x
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Post by monica on Sept 20, 2019 5:46:09 GMT
How’s life BF? Really hope that things have stabilised for you x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 30, 2019 15:31:53 GMT
Hi. Thanks for your replies. The shot thing has settled a bit and the kids are back to thier usual routine again which is good. Dont have any massive concerns.
Carl and I , still over. Hate him. Live him. Still getting waves of emotional turmoil where the pain is so bad i wont to die.
Had a row with him last night as i a evidently went onto his amazon account and saw he had bought 60 condoms. I asked him if he was seeing someone and he denied it. Bit of an excessive purchase for someone who isn't shagging anyone I think. It triggered shitty feelings for me. And i feel crap about myself and he implied sex with me was shit.
On another note I have started going on a few dates. Some have been horrific lol some just not for me. But there is this one guy who I have seen a few times and I really like him. But knowing my luck I will f**k it up.i hope I dont. He really makes me laugh a lot and gets my sence of humour.
I want to put on my facebook status.
"The truth sometimes hurts but never as much as a lie"
But that would be childish so I will just write it on here. X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 30, 2019 17:44:05 GMT
Sorry gonna just blurt out shit.
f**k you carl f**k you you nasty horrible evil c u next Tuesday. You've literally destroyed my life. And I hate you. But I want you. And I cant have you. And the pain is just completely unbearable. I want you. I want so bad. I want the person who I met all those years ago.everytime I see our daughter your face is staring straight at me. I cant live without you. I cant live with you. I wish I had the guts to kill myself because the pain that's going through me right now is so unbearable. It's like I am being strangled.i have enough drugs in the house to do it. I fantasise about doing it but it wouldnt bring you back.
Please please god help me. I cant feel this pain much longer. Please help me. I am sorry for f**king everything up.why do I get thrown all this shit.
He just wants me dead. Maybe I should give him what he wants if he said that, I would. That's the controlling hold he has over me.
And it terrifying.
Just for the record. Although I am thinking suicidal things. I have my little one here and wont do anything
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Sept 30, 2019 17:45:38 GMT
I just had to write down the thoughts
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Post by monica on Sept 30, 2019 21:48:38 GMT
Just off to bed but couldn’t not reply.
Mixed feelings are normal - also felt this way in the past . The Carl you met is not the real day to day Carl - he’s the one the one that behaves wonderfully at the start of a relationship when it’s dxciting and new but from what you’ve said actually the dependant , caring partner doesn’t exist.
Try to look at things in a different way. Write down what it is you want in a man - could the real Carl offer you that? I doubt it. Things didn’t go wrong because of you at all . Try to figure out coping strategies for when the pain gets unbearable . What lifts you out of it ? What takes the edge off it ? This will get better and glad you’re enjoying the dates with someone . Just take it s date at a time xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 6, 2019 8:07:50 GMT
Thanks Monica. I did something similar to what you said. I wrote in my journal an entry called the end of a chapter. It's quite a moving but of writing. And describes the absolute turmoil and pain that I have am in. It then goes on comparing the feeling to that of grief and how the love is dead and will never come back. I found it very therapeutic writing it. And I intend to do some more journaling perhaps focusing on the future. And also would like to look at techniques that could help when I get a wave of paranoia. Thinking of deleting him and her off social media but feel like i am clutching on to it for some reason.
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Post by monica on Oct 8, 2019 20:08:59 GMT
Glad the writing has been cathartic for you. It will get easier...look into what works for turning down the stress levels when you get a wave of paranoia . I’ve discovered audio books . I’m listening to the testament - squeak to the handmaids tale.
You know you’re teally amazing. In spite of feeling shit you bring up your kids, work and run a home ...that’s a huge task ! X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 17, 2019 12:49:52 GMT
thanks monica. i am feeling much better. still having everyday family stress but i am happier. feeling more like me again. x
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