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Post by monica on Oct 17, 2019 16:37:42 GMT
Hi BF
That’s amazing to hear! You’ve really got on top of things in such an awful time. You’re amazing. I’m sure life will get better still. What’s really helped you? X
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 20, 2019 7:05:39 GMT
This is odd. I posted earlier and its not on my diary?
Everything's ok.
Just wanted to say what a lovely time I am having with my new bf
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Post by monica on Oct 20, 2019 19:21:23 GMT
Oohhh do tell! Fantastic news! Xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 21, 2019 15:00:34 GMT
I have had the most amazing weekend ever!! So let's first introduce a new character to the diary. I will refer to him a g. I met him on am online dating website. He is a builder. He is separated and has a 2 yr old daughter. He is from London and has moved down south to be nearer his mum and siblings and Lives about 1hr 15min drive from me. So he has just started his new life after travelling to Australia for several months for work. We have been seeing each other for a few weeks now and I think it's going really well. He spent the weekend with me. Not only did he make me laugh my head off and make me smile constantly with his funny sense of humour. He did several manly Jobs for me round the house, collecting a dishwasher and installing it which including doing loads of stuff under my sink, re aligning a door handle and fixing it, fixing cupboards and my nail trolley. We had amazing sex! Like amazing (sorry tmi) but I cant tell you how wonderful it was to feel wanted in that way again. I genuinely think that all the issues carl and I had in that department really affected me.. Will write later
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 21, 2019 15:17:03 GMT
Continued.. So he just seems perfect. But I am no fool this is the honeymoon period and I know from experience that people can come across as perfect... but I am just going to enjoy it while it lasts. If it doesnt work out then I havent lost anything.
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 24, 2019 12:09:14 GMT
So. It's all going well still. Ex boyfriend and ex husband being annoying. Standard. Neighbours complaining about the dog barking. Standard. Jack's doing standard teenage things. But looking at this positively the kids are happier than what they have been in ages. I am really enjoying spending time with them. More than before. I suppose its because I am fundamentally happier. And pleased they are happier. I am so pleased I am not with carl. I seriously didn't comprehend the misery and stress and daily dread that came from living with him.
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Post by monica on Oct 24, 2019 19:19:09 GMT
Wow ...told you you’d get to this point where you see C for what he is and feel so much happier being without him. All the stresses and strains of life are normal - but it’s how you deal with it. Given you’re in s much better place it doesn’t get you and I bet not feeling so downtrodden, frustrated and upset by him will make a huge positive difference in your mental health .
G sounds fantastic - enjoy it! I think your attitude is just right . So pleased for you x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Oct 29, 2019 10:42:00 GMT
Thanks monica
I am still an over thinker. It's hard not to be when people have done you wrong behind your back. I do get paranoid about stuff still. Mainly due to the scarring on my heart caused by others.
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Post by monica on Oct 30, 2019 17:47:58 GMT
ITs hard not to be suspicious and paranoid at times especially if you’ve been hurt badly. I feel this way too and mostly I recognise the thoughts as being irrational but sometimes I can’t control them either. Try some cbt techniques - writing evidence for and against the paranoid thought being true can help x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Nov 4, 2019 9:42:01 GMT
Everything's ok I think. Well I am not 100%. Just a reminder that despite feeling wanted by someone I do still have some underlying issues. Carl was invited to Jack's birthday celebrations by my ex husband (they communicate with each other behind my back - know that for a fact) he was there in his new trainers and clothes. With his nice new hair do. Never did he ever give jack presents but obviously this time he presents him with a £40 playstation voucher. The man who virtually abused this child. The man who used to shout at him repeatedly for accidently eating with his mouth open to the point where he would cry. No the others might have short memories but I dont. He was the man that shoved a plate of food into his face at a BBQ because he was "chomping" infront of all my friends and Jack's friends. He made him eat mustard. He was evil and cruel. This attempt at winning everyone over makes me so f**king angry. I dont want him at my sons birthday celebrations. He is cold and heartless. He loves my kids he says. Well they are not his. He can f**k off.i f**king hate him. I cannot bear to think that this nasty evil shit rejected my love and kindness. Like all men do. All of them cheat. All of them lie. All of them hurt me. I think my period is due. I have spots on my face and I feel grumpy. NY beighbour had a massive go at me the other day because my dog was barking. And he said he is going to go to environmental health.
I havent seen G for a few days. He has been spending time with his daughter and family. Part of me thinks I should end it now. I am so scared of getting hurt. I hurt now. Still hurt over carl. G might come over tonight.
This sounds really f**ked up but I want carl to regret his decision. I want him to want me back so I can have the pleasure of telling him f**k off and reject him.
f**k I am in a bad mood. Currently sitting in a garage while my MOT is done. Probably will fail knowing my luck.
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Post by monica on Nov 4, 2019 17:42:35 GMT
Hi BF
Everything you’re thinking is perfectly normal and you have every right to be angry about C and scared about G.
At the end of day it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about C you know what he was like and it was a terrible way to treat your son. J knows this too. In time the anger will dissipate and you’ll feel relief that he’s no longer in your and your kids’ lives day to day. It’s incredibly frustrating for you to see him acting like the perfect step parent.
As for G I so hear you as I ha e felt similarly. I’m in a great relationship with a fantastic man but on a few occasions I’ve made the decision in my head to end it as I can’t bear the fear - I haven’t and I’m glad I haven’t as the positives outweigh the negatives. Maybe talk to G about your fear x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Dec 6, 2019 7:57:53 GMT
Got some stuff to share. Will write in detail later but want to bullet point stuff first so I don't forget 1. Christmas on my own - kind of 2. Feelings of rejection, in such a different place from last year. C's family etc 3. Jas and her feelings towards mine and gf's relationship. 4. The hard side of a long distance relationship 5. Wondering about future of me and g 6. Concerns over gf's behaviour 7. G and money 8. Being a parent on my own and the struggles 9. Anger at the fact I am on my own and no man has ever stuck by me. 10. Chrostmas decorations 11. Personal trainer and my foot
Hope to check in later and explain all X
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Post by monica on Dec 8, 2019 8:37:11 GMT
Hey Bf- will look out when you write more. What I would say is that wrote a list of positives too!
Being a single mum is bloody hard work. My ex has disowned my eldest two kids so only sees the youngest and probably like you the responsibility of bringing up the kids rests with you. It can be tough, draining , frustrating no matter how much you love them. Recently I’ve been doing my nut in over mine and a couple of weeks ago I was so close to losing it completely. Big hugs you’re doing an amazing job x
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Dec 19, 2019 20:58:54 GMT
Never did check back in lol probably didnt have time!
I am so f**king stressed. I have wrapped nothing. Theres shit loads of washing everywhere. The house looks like a bombs hit it. H has possibly broke her thumb and we spent yesterday evening in a and e. S is ill with a high temp. J is being a stroppy rude teenager.
I got about 2 hrs of sleep last night. I am utterly exhausted and trying to di nail clients.
I feel grumpy and bitter. Bitter towards carl. Not for leaving me as such but leaving this family.i dont think I could do that. Theres so much to do and I am su f**king tired. I just cant do anything. I feel very alone. G and I I think is going ok. The distance is a problem. Like right now I would love to have some practical support and emotional. But messaging isn't ideal and everytime I call him the kids play up.
I am seeing him tomorrow after hes finished work and then sat morning we are going to London to stay in a hotel and see a show. This will be an intresting test to see how well we get on lol. I am very anxious about going. That might be giving me some underlying anxiety tbh.
I have been a bit wobberly the past couple of weeks. One night g came over to support me.
I am beginning to think as much as I would live to pull him in to me and my life. Thats not what I or he needs. I need to be independent and to do this on my own. I shouldn't depend on others. The only person I can trust to not let my kids down is me.
I got this.
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Post by monica on Dec 21, 2019 22:27:25 GMT
Hi
Really hope you have a fantastic night away - you deserve it! And listen G doesn’t have to take away your independence - think of him as an addition to your life for you to enjoy! Xmas can be so stressful ! Just do the best you can. Im not cooking this year but have spent a small fortune on food! X
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