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Post by Victoria on Aug 21, 2010 8:18:38 GMT
Hi your post is great this morning..........and bacon butty in bed sounds bliss. You sound like you had a good evening. Being able to laugh is soooo under rated. I have everything crossed it lasts the day for yu and you have a lovely day with your family. xxxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 21, 2010 20:13:50 GMT
So good to hear that last night was good, these shards of good times are such a relief when they come, even if driven by a bacon butty. How are you feeling? are you still worried about posting? I sent you a PM with similar stuff to Jo wrote about the passworded part of the site
Hoping today kept bright
Kat
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 21, 2010 23:22:23 GMT
Hi girls Overall today was the best I have had for months! No tears!! I have had a few moments still of slight panic attacks and loads of flashbacks as usual but I turned them of and tried really hard not to be negative afterwards. I had a terrible time with my 2 year old, we went to a friends for dinner (greatt!) Kids and all. They were playing together really nicely until my 2 year old bit my friend s 2 year old on the leg. Massive blue bruise!!! Arghhhh! Its the 2nd time he has done it the first time it broke the skin! I did what my HV told me to do kind of don't think I handled him well. Really worried about his bad behaviour, my depression is getting to him. I don't take him out of the house enough or do enough stuff with him. But anyway by baby was perfect as always. Had a glass of wine prob not advicable with meds and breast feeding. But only 1 with a big dinner and it really helped me and hubby talk a bit. I am in the middle of decorating my daughters christening cake. I really cocked up the writing and had to re ice it! Need to finish it tomorrow. I have'nt sent any invitations out been to low to write them. I'll try tomorrow. Today I just didn't get time. I love my kids so much - they deserve a good happy mum. I hope I can be it. Not feeling so isolated, maybe cos wheb I am down I do it to myself. Xx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 22, 2010 11:23:54 GMT
Today is not too bad but not as good as yesterday. I have pulled my wrist when picking one of the kids up and its doing me in. My husband thought he'd tell me I ddont give my 2 year old enough attention (like I didn't know) which really boosted my confidence! Not! My baby is grumpy today not like her.
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Post by Victoria on Aug 22, 2010 11:32:48 GMT
Hi, hope you wrist recovers soon, something minor like that turns out to be such a pain with young kids who want picking up. Dont let your hubby upset you too much, it is hard for them to understand and I guess the frustration of seeing us in such a state gets to them and they blurt out things cos they have no control over what is happening. I am the same with my toddler she will be 2 in november and i dont spend much time playing with her, as the feelings I have towards her are quite distant and I feel so bad for it. You are doing your best and you are ill. If you didnt care, you wouldnt be trying to get help for it. Hope your little baby is ok. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 22, 2010 21:16:12 GMT
Hi,
Just a quick note as OH is sending me those I want to go to bed now signals. MY SMHHV and I spent time discussing what kids need on friday, she says its the little things that really matter and she is a under 5 development expert. Its the eye contact, the little chats, the smile, the acknowledgement that they are being heard. Not the volume of attention, so I expect you OH Is being a little to hard on you. Its so hard, when the children seem so unattached and you can hardly function let alone play. Remember what you wrote to me about my cakes, only took me 20 mins but it was enough. The best thing for you kids is to get better and be there for them as they grow older
Kat
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Post by bam02 on Aug 22, 2010 21:36:32 GMT
Hi Butterfly
Really trying to help just wonder why its not working? I am glad we sorted it out! Just shout if you need me.
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Post by Hopeful on Aug 22, 2010 22:04:47 GMT
Hi Butterfly,
Sorry for the delay in welcoming you - you're really wecome here and hopeyou find it helpful xx
Hopefulxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 22, 2010 22:19:53 GMT
Hi girls I am very anxious about tomorrow because I have to drive to town and buy some nappies with both kids! Crazy! I have GOT to go! I can't not. I also have to tackle the ironing pile and keep the house tidy. I have disided that I am not going to let my son watch too much tv as I think its contributing to his bad behaviour. My oh is starting work at 3am so I don't have to be on my own with the kids all day, he's a good dad and husband. I wish he wouldn't though I worry about him. Really won't my councilling to start now, really want to go back to my Gp and discsuss loads of things. Today has been ok, haven't cried. Have'nt felt great. Tom evening visiting a friend who's just had a baby. So that's something to look forward to. Managed to spend aan hour at my mums finishing the cake, it looks nice. It was nice to have a break from the kids. I have a feeling I am not going to cope tomorrow. Really scared thinking about going back to work, if they'll let me. I am finding it hard to write about some things I want to share, can't find the words. Not like me! Praying I have a happy day tomorrow x
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Post by bam02 on Aug 22, 2010 22:42:21 GMT
I think you will love take care. Take one thing at a time.
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Post by Victoria on Aug 23, 2010 11:08:36 GMT
Hi, I hope today is going ok. Have you managed to get the nappies? I am having a dont know what to do with myself day and the kids seem to be irritating me with little things. I have the same thing as you today, need to go into town but working myself up about it and dont know if i will make it. Hope you are ok and having a happy day. xxx
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Post by Weeble on Aug 23, 2010 15:41:10 GMT
Did you make town?? I have developed allsorts of nappy purchasing avoidance schemes, get them delivered, nag my oh to pick up at lunchtime, even have been known to get visitors to pick up on the way!!!
Its fine to go and see your GP if you feel you need help and support. OH calling so will write more tomorrow
Kat
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 23, 2010 22:53:31 GMT
Glad to say I made it to tesco with both kids on my own! I think the first time ever. Didn't do a full shop just got the nappies. Avoided the ironing pile! Less TV more play for the 2 year old worked well. Went I into town again with hubby to collect kids photos they are brilliant, had to sell my right kidney to pay for them but I know I'll treasure them forever. Baby was grumpy this eving at my friends house- screamed for what seemed was hours. Hope tomorrow is ok as going to a 3 year party. Worried because I will see some close fiends. No ome knows (apart from one friend) I have PNI, I can't believe my OH didn't tell his sisters! Its feels like its something to be ashamed of - stupid cos I think you need people to know so they can support you. Had one anxiety attack in town and OH was not supportive at all, shouted at me and said I was behaving like a nutter. Nice. Thanks for that really helped Tomorrows another day...
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Post by Victoria on Aug 24, 2010 8:30:51 GMT
Hi well done for getting to tescos on your own, it can be daunting in supermarkets with so many ppl in an enclosed space so well done for taking 2 kids by yourself. Ironing i find is best avoided permanently lol. Also the less tv thing sounds a good idea for your 2 yr old. I think i need to do the same with Ruby but it is soooo easy to put cbeebies on when she is being a pain and she just sits in a trance watching the tv. Hope your baby is in a better mood today is she teething? Try and enjoy the party today although a room full of 3 year olds doesnt sound relaxing lol. Be honest with your friends, if they dont support you then they dont deserve you as a friend. It isnt something to be ashamed of, and when ill we do a good enough job of isolating ourselves without other people making us feel even worse for it. We need as much support as we can get and you might be missing out on genuine ppls support if you dont tell them you are suffering. Sorry OH was not supporting in town i can imagine that didnt improve the anxiety attack being shouted at. Do you think he is just frustrated that he doesnt know how to help you? Let us know how your day is. xxx
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butterfly
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Post by butterfly on Aug 24, 2010 11:00:46 GMT
hey fsg - thank for your message, my baby is teething, seems every night she has bad tummy ache and screams for about 2 hours constantly and nothing works to settle her. I am feelinganxious about this party today, firstly that my 2 yr old will bite another kid. secondly all the other people are going to be judging me and talking about what a bad mother i am. i dont want to go but i cant not take my little boy to a party - i can count on one hand how many times he has played with other children in the summer holidays. i feel like i am an awlful mum today - stuggling to pick up and feed my baby. struggling to talk to anyone. I am hoping my friend hasn;t forgotten that she said she come here first and we'd go together, because i wouldn;t blame her if she did forget, i dont deserve her as a friend i have let her down so many times recently and keep apologising but it not enough, i feel for her because she is always there when i crack up - i have a real bad flash back that keeps coming in my head from years ago when i was 13, i tried to do something really stupid. I really want a happy day with her like we used to, drinking tea and eating toast - she is my best friend and i am never going to find another like her, she may be a bit crazy herself but if she wasn;t she wouldn;t be her, shes fun and entertaining, interesting. I have known her since i was 3 - i cant remember a time not knowing her when we were younger i thought of her as a kind of sister. In my deep sadness I am suddenly laughing really loudly as my little boy is in his bedroom playing - looking out of the window calling out to other children in the street being really sweet! I didn't write the whole story yesterday about picking up the photos, I dont know why. It was not a nice experience and I think the antidepressant made me not talk about it or something. I cant even find the words to talk about it now. I keep still forgetting peoples name and getting words muddled up, this could be for several reasons a, the medication b, the depression c, just being over senistive d, have a brain tumor and its making me loose my memory (or that could just be a paranoid thought). Whatever, i cannot lie and say i dont keep thinking i have an undiagnosed health problem that is going to kill me, i have weight loss, blurred vision, diarreoh, joint pain, change in personality. The weird thing is i go from worring about this to then thinking about jumping off a cliff? ALthough i am not sure that is the method i would choose. I really dont know where i am going now, how on earth am i ever going to live feeling like this or just function. Going back to work.. how?? so many mountains to climb. i am not tired today, i cant blame insomnia. I dont know why i feel odd. i really hope my friend has magic powers to make me feel better. i feel like drinking a glass of wine befor i go out but i know something will stop me i am not really the kind of person who turns up to a kids party pissed with 2 kids, in an emotional state. i am the sort of person that turns up normal happy. and probably thats what'll i'll do, like i was last night and nobody suspects a thing. i have to go my baby is crying and i feel like i am ignoring her. i will probably go to hell for being me. I am experiencing an urdge to cry. But i cant let my poor little boy watch me fall to pieces. i am so bad. i will try and write later
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