aura
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Post by aura on Apr 25, 2013 8:58:40 GMT
Today I am terrified of going insane. Scared that I will somehow get post partum psychosis. I feel guilty because I don't feel like playing with my baby or doing anything much at all. I feel like I'm a terrible, selfish person who doesn't love her son enough. I think that these thoughts are obsessive and that catching them and trying to distract myself from them will help, but then I become afraid that I'm avoiding my real issues or something. I'm also incredibly forgetful and that worries me, it makes me scared that I am really going mad, and that I will forget my baby is actually my baby. What if I stop loving him? What if I run away? These thoughts can't be true or real. I love him more than anything, and I'm tired of sitting in one place and not doing anything. I feel guilty that I want a job instead of staying home, but I feel that I'm not taking responsibility for him and its driving me up the wall. What if I can't cope when I do get a job? Why do I have so little confidence in myself? And how can I build my confidence up again. Today I'm going to read up on self-treatment for ocd and post partum. Then I'm going to try a meditation. If it's my anxiety doing this, I need to alleviate it.
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Post by juppster on Apr 26, 2013 10:51:29 GMT
How did the rest of yesterday go honey? I used to feel exactly the same but I promise you you will not go insane. The worst thing I did was to beat myself up for not playing enough with my son but as long as they are loved and cared for that is all that matters. Eventually, once you start to recover you will find yourself wanting to be around him more and more. For me, going back to work was a bit if a lifesaver, don't feel guilty that you need some away / adult time, most mums I know do! You have to do what works for you x
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 26, 2013 14:45:02 GMT
Thanks juppster! My day started getting a bit better at the end, yesterday. I cooked for my family and felt a lot better. I even did the meditation and it really helped me. It was something I didn't expect. I managed to relax myself and then imagined warmth coming towards me, with that warmth came all these loving thoughts. They were about me and how I am actually a good person and a good mom. It made me feel so much better!
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 26, 2013 14:55:59 GMT
Today I feel a bit better. I still worried over my son and whether I am good enough for him, but I am catching myself everytime I get anxious and identifying whether the thought is useful or not. I get anxious when I see my son, and I've come to realize that it's because I feel like I'm not a good enough mom. I suppose I should have started with my story. It would make a little more sense. I was finishing my degree at University when I fell pregnant with my boy. His father was supportive at first, but as the pregnancy progressed, lost interest. I managed to finish my Honours degree whilst heavily pregnant. I was quite depressed during this time, but nothing like pni. I graduated and came back two weeks before I had a planned c-section. This was because my boy was too big for natural birth and hadn't turned. I was very disappointed. I felt that this was a failure on my part somehow. When he was born, I was in love with him (and still am - despite what my brain tries to tell me!). His father contacted me once for a picture of the baby, after that, never again. I left it because he is an irresponsible person, and I don't want him affecting my boy negatively. I still felt rejected nevertheless. I suffered with baby blues for a month. But managed to overcome it. I live with my parents and decided to stay for the first year so that my boy can have a good base to work off of. I immersed myself in a new passion. Writing. I wrote two novels. They have been consistently rejected by literary agents. But that's okay, I'll never give up. My son is now entering his second year and I feel like a burden to my parents and a failure in the writing arena. I feel I must get a job and that I must get out of the small town I am in. I want to support my son, but I am sad it can't be by writing. My passion. My pni came in with a vengeance about a month ago. I started having panic attacks, constant anxiety, deep black depression. But it's improved since then. I went to the doctor and got citalopram. I am taking 10mgs and plan on weaning myself off as soon as possible. I am performing cbt on myself in a way. Trying to eliminate anxiety and create new patterns of dealing with stress and rejection. Today, I feel like I'm making head way. Tomorrow we are going out of the day. To the seaside. It should be quite fun. Unfortunately I get de-realization sometimes, which limits my enjoyment. But I'll push through! At least, after talking to the people here, I realize that I'm not mad! I'm not going to go mad and hurt my baby, and that I'm normal!
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 28, 2013 13:11:12 GMT
Today I worried about urges again. I get this huge urge to just hug my boy and squish him, but I get the same feeling with the cats and dog. I think its normal, cos my mom gets it too. It makes me worry that I’ll get an urge to do something worse. I enjoyed my weekend with my parents and my son. We went to a lion park and a python park and I didn’t have the dreaded thoughts while I was there. It was very fun. The night before we went though, wasn’t. My mom came into my room and (this is going to sound crazy) accused me of breaking the mixer with my ‘mind powers’. In short, she thinks my *negativity* is affecting everything in the house and that’s why the mixer broke. We then had a huge fight, during which I burst into tears. She said that I was freaky and she was afraid of me. She also said that maybe I would actually do all of the things from my dreaded thoughts. She was a bit drunk though and apologized the next day. She said she is feeling crazy herself. She is just incredibly depressed I think. We made up and I don’t begrudge the things she said to me. I moved past them. I understand she is very stressed at work and that she hates it that I’m down. Our whole family is depressed of late. My dad was depressed even before my pni kicked in though. So it can’t be me that’s making everyone unhappy. My boy is happy as can be though. He is such a shining light. Just wish I could rid myself of all my doubts. I wonder if any other people (apart from us pni sufferers) are feeling down lately? Maybe it’s got to do with what’s going on in the world.
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 28, 2013 14:16:38 GMT
Sometimes I feel that my mom does a better job of looking after my son than I do. It makes me so insecure and anxious. But I know this is my issue, and not her fault.
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 29, 2013 9:21:28 GMT
I am so irritated with myself today. I keep slipping back into these anxity thought patterns. Trying to keep calm and not freak out. I get major de-realization and these anxiety thoughts - the what ifs. Like, what if I am going mad? What if I forget my son is my son? What if I get an urge to hurt him? And why am I so damn forgetful? All these things make me feel crazy!!! It's so frustrating. Oh well, two steps forward, one step back. Just have to keep on keeping on. Doubt is the main problem here. Doubting my sanity and myself and worrying all the time. Like if I have time alone and enjoy it then I ask myself why I don't enjoy my time with my son as much. Am I a bad mom? Don't I love him? Then the cycle starts again. But I do enjoy spending time with him! Even though he is going through a terrible tantrum phase! Tired of worrying!
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Post by monica on Apr 29, 2013 16:59:20 GMT
Hi
All your fears are quite normal - self doubt, lack of confidence, analysing all these things. They are symptoms of pni and I definitely ssuffered all of these too. In fact most women do.
It's clear you love your son hugely and are a brill mum. When u r feeling unwell even with the perfect child , life can feel trying and it's normal to yearn for a break and a breather where everything you do desnt involve around a child. Even non- depresssed bPeople feel this'd way!
Congratulate yourself on every positive step throughout the day no matter how small as they are huge achievements when ur unwell. Your confidence will growx
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 29, 2013 19:36:16 GMT
Thanks so much monica! That message was a real booster.
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 29, 2013 20:09:50 GMT
I get anxious when I think of my son or I'm near him. My confidence is so low. These anxieties and what-ifs make my brain foggy.
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aura
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Post by aura on Apr 30, 2013 6:50:31 GMT
I think I have pms on top of this. I am constantly checking whether I have urges or not, and double-checking whether I am thinking the right things and doing the right things. Feeling so scared today. Hate this. What if I hurt my boy? What if I don't want to get better and this is me punishing myself? Are my thoughts just thoughts or are they urges? How do I know the difference? Agh!!
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Post by juppster on Apr 30, 2013 19:07:12 GMT
They are just thoughts honey. .have you considered cbt at all? This can be really instrumental at helping to challenge and change your thoughts x
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aura
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Post by aura on May 2, 2013 18:11:45 GMT
Thanks juppster! I'm feeling a tiny bit better today. The past two days were terrible, but I'm trying some self-help cbt which helps a bit. Also my mom has started researching stuff on pni and is being very supportive. It's so nice to have someone here who understands too.
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aura
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Post by aura on May 3, 2013 7:09:33 GMT
I feel a bit better today. I'm still a bit shaky and out of it, unsure of myself, but way better than yesterday. I had a good cry in the shower yesterday and it made me feel better. Sometimes that's what you need I guess.
I hate that I'm so forgetful, still! I'm constatnly checking my thoughts and feelings to see if I'm going mad or not. Still terrified that I will somehow get PP or go psychotic and need help. Then I get petrified when I relax for a second, in case that means I've gone mad and don't care anymore. I hate having to check up on my feelings and thoughts the entire time.
Oh well, I just keep practicing the CBT. My brain is feeling so foggy today though! Hate it!
This is what I did yesterday: I sat down and wrote all the things I like about myself, all the things I would like to improve, all the things I want to achieve in my life and all the things I like/love in general. I was brutally honest and positive. It helped me see myself again.
Anyway, one can only hope I don't go bonkers by the end of the day! It's weird to be alone at home during the day. Maybe this will make me stronger? Yesterday I reorganized the kitchen cupboards and it helped take my mind off everything. Today I think I'll clean and reorganize the kitchen counter tops.
Trying to stay positive and practice my self-help cbt.
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aura
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Post by aura on May 3, 2013 20:19:40 GMT
Today I have decided to accept this illness. I am going to go back to the doctor and I am going to continue my antidepressants for at least 6 months. My parents have agreed that it is necessary and are very understanding. They also say that they will help me pay for counselling. This is of course until I get a job, then I can do it myself. So that's it PNI! I'm getting rid of you no matter what it takes. I'm going to be me again.
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