aura
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Post by aura on May 4, 2013 8:01:07 GMT
I feel a bit like jumping out of my own skin today. Completely on edge. I had this last month before my period, so I'm not too worried about it. Still constantly checking up on my sanity, which is very tiring, but the derealisation is getting a bit better. I'm just ignoring it and carrying on like normal. No thoughts yet for th emost part. Weird, I worry about my sanity when I have the thoughts and when I don't, I worry that I've finally lost it. But all the worrying serves to remind me that I am still sane. Fingers crossed I feel a bit better tomorrow.
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aura
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Post by aura on May 4, 2013 20:08:20 GMT
Today I baked an apple pie. I was very happy about it, because it came out beautifully. My boy (I'll call him Cutie) had a tiny bit because I don't want him having too much sweet stuff and he seemed to like it too. We played nicely and giggled and had fun. I had anxiety for most of the day but practiced my cbt and calm breathing. Less thoughts today! So that was a bonus! It was very rainy today, so poor Cutie was trapped in the house; a fate he detests. He loves playing outsides, but he enjoyed spending some time with his grandpa and playing with his cars.
I still feel like I need my own life. I can't be just a mom. I have to be a person too. That thought makes me feel intensely guilty, but I think mother's guilt is quite common. Just because I want a job and maybe even a husband one day, doesn't mean I love my son any less. I want what's best for both of us.
I always feel better at night for some reason. But today wasn't half bad. Let's see what tomorrow brings. *Staying positive*. Fingers crossed.
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Post by monica on May 4, 2013 21:43:28 GMT
Well done on your baking! Your pie sounds so yummy...making my mouth water!
Your positivity sounds great! You ave every right to be you...many women feel that this is wrong and wanting 'me' time makes you a lesser mum but that's just not true at all. Having your own interests makes you a more well rounded and confident person in my opinion. That can only be good for baby!
What would you like to do for yourself ? I'm having similar dilemma . Am just splitting up with my partner, kids getting older and I want sonething for me but haven't worked out what!
Monica
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aura
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Post by aura on May 5, 2013 16:09:44 GMT
Hey monica. Today I got myself shoes. That was something nice for me. I also played a bit of a computer game, and had a lot of fun with my son in town. I think it was a pretty good day. I had a bit of a wobble near the end, but kinda sorted out now. Just trying to remain positive. As for what I'd really like to do: take dancing classes! What about you?
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Post by Weeble on May 5, 2013 20:26:36 GMT
Hi Caitlin
Welcome, just read your diary sounds like things have been a bit tough. Shoes I would love to go shoe shopping!! It's great to see the few good days.
Hope today was good
Kat
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Post by juppster on May 6, 2013 18:46:54 GMT
Great to hear you sounding more positive x
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aura
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Post by aura on May 16, 2013 9:17:46 GMT
Thanks for the encouragement guys! Well, I've had a bit of trouble with my internet connection, but I have been feeling a lot better of late. Yesterday I came off my anxiety pills and am just on teh antideppressants now. Felt slightly anxious and derealised this morning but feeling stronger now. I got my learner's license yesterday, so that's something to be happy about. I'm finally going to learn how to drive!! My grandmother is here for a visit and is keeping me busy, which is great! My sister came to visit with her new baby and I can see she has health anxiety over him, she just won't admit it. I told her I have pni and if she ever needs to talk, she can talk to me as I will understand, but she has shut me out now. The thoughts and anxieties come and go, but I keep practicing my CBT. After my gran has left, I can finally see the therapist, which I'm quite excited about. Will be difficult to organize with my dad on business and my mom at work and me without much transport, but I'm staying positive.
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Post by jessibella on May 16, 2013 10:35:05 GMT
Glad to hear you sounding positive. You are doing so well xx
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aura
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Post by aura on Jun 10, 2013 13:55:19 GMT
So, I haven't posted in forever. Not because I'm better but because I'm having some financial issues. Also have the flu and feeling pretty crap. I think the anxiety is a bit worse with the flu. Overall, I've done better this month and have had very few dreaded thoughts. Sometimes I still fear I am going mad (Like right now) but then I take the time to sit down and practice my CBT. I have decreased my anti-d's to about 5mg, and am still coping. Let's hope it stays that way! I feel a bit more positive and have even started work on a new book. I got my learner's license and am busy practicing for my drivers, so I really feel like I'm achieving. Cutie is just the best. He is growing up so fast and says more than thirty words at eighteen months old. I am so proud of him. Today I have some anxiety, but let's hope it gets a bit better.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 14, 2013 20:19:23 GMT
Hi aura
Sorry I did nt see the post. How are you? Are you still doing well?
Kat
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aura
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Post by aura on Jun 15, 2013 7:16:59 GMT
Hi Weeble! Thanks for your reply. I'm doing okay, but currently worried about auditory hallucinations. Twice now I have heard my baby say something or moan while he is in his crib but when I go in to check, he is still asleep. This makes me worry that I am truly going mad. What if I'm having hallucinations?? Man pni is so frustrating. I don't here voices talking to me or anything, but hearing my baby talk when he possibly isn't makes me scared!
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Post by Weeble on Jun 15, 2013 8:01:06 GMT
Wrote on your other post, but please don't worry even people without pni get these experiences. If you want a laugh I was scared of house names and thought the words were dangerous. I went and had a look last week at the house names out of curiosity and they were called albatross and Kerana. Pni makes us be scared of normal things
Kat
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Post by monica on Jun 17, 2013 8:15:46 GMT
Hi
Glad to hear ur doing well even though ur anxious. You mentioned hearing things-I'm not saying urnt but kids even young ones do mutter things in their sleep roll over and carry on sleeping.
Brilliant news on the driving front! It's a huge achievement - you will love the freedom!
Monica
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aura
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Post by aura on Jun 25, 2013 12:13:59 GMT
Thanks for the support you guys! Feeling better everyday. Saw a horrific report abotu some poor toddler who was harmed and cried my eyes out. Just made me realize how much I can't live without my boy.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 25, 2013 20:52:45 GMT
It was awful wasn't it, it really upset me, I will never understand how a woman without a mental illness can do such a thing.
Kat
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