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Post by monica on Jun 25, 2013 21:13:21 GMT
Glad things on te up.
Haven't heard story but sounds awful. They do bring home Hw our los are so precious. Can also get us down.nhope u ok?
Monica
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aura
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Post by aura on Aug 10, 2013 19:12:35 GMT
I haven't posted in a very long time because I've started doing a bit better. I came of the anti-d's about a month ago and have felt very good for the majority of that time. I've published my book and have gotten a few writing jobs which keep me busy. My son is amazing. Sweet, wonderful and exceptionally naughty! Today, I'm feeling a bit down because of pms and how busy I am. I'm scared I'll miss something, but I have to find a way to support my boy and help my parents.
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Post by Weeble on Aug 11, 2013 9:28:23 GMT
I regularly feel stressed that I will miss something too. I turn it round in my head and think about all the great things I can with them when I am not working.
Pleased u r doing well
Kat
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Post by monica on Aug 29, 2013 11:02:46 GMT
Hi
Sounds as if you're doing really well. Wow published a book - what a huge achievement. What's it about. Hope August going well for your
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Post by Weeble on Sept 3, 2013 19:23:08 GMT
so brill well done
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 10, 2013 20:13:58 GMT
Thanks for the encouragement guys! I'm feeling a little scared today, maybe it's because of the changes going on in my life. Is it normal to get anxiety back when big stuff is happening or changing? Sometimes I get one of those spare dreaded thoughts drifting up, but I just go through the whole CBT process and try get over them. My days are much happier now, and its so much nicer to be busy working instead of dwelling on all the things that could happen and why. Oh! My book is an urban fantasy. It's calle d The Harbinger, The Apocalypse series. Lol.
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Post by juppster on Sept 11, 2013 13:01:12 GMT
Totally normal in my opinion for big events to have an effect on your mood and anxiety, I know it certainly does with me. Big hugs xx
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Post by monica on Sept 11, 2013 21:06:23 GMT
Definately normal for big changes etc to bring on blips.pms can do that toox
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 17, 2013 6:39:57 GMT
I am having a huge blip at the moment. HUGE. All those fears about going mad, and losing control and all teh thoughts about where am I going in my life and what is the purpose of all this etc. Came flooding back last night. All the 'what ifs'.
Yesterday, my Cutie had a mild (like a few hives) allergic reaction to something and I couldn't figure out what it was from. It went away really quickly, but I started spiralling into this fearful thought process - what if he has a reaction in the night and I'm not there to help him or something. What if I lose him? And just like that I was right in the middle of a blip.
My mood and anxiety levels keep going up and down. I'm depersonalized and dearealized, and constantly terrified that I will lose my mind again. And even though I'm trying my CBT and trying to calm myself, it still niggles at me. This is so frustrating. Just when I thought I was really getting somewhere - BAM! Back to square one?
Well not quite square one. I haven't had any of the thoughts because I am finally confident in myself - I love my son so much I know I would never hurt him. But I have figured out that I have some pretty bad OCD symptoms. And all this leads me to a thought: I'm a single mother and it feels like I have so many issues - who would ever want me???!?
I've also been out of proper social interactions for so long, that I wonder how I will handle them. My friend's wedding is in 2 weeks and I'm scared I'll have some kind of breakdown or something. I don't want to. I want to enjoy myself etc, but what if. What if. What if. I HATE the what ifs. Oh well. I will just have to buck up and carry on.
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 17, 2013 11:58:52 GMT
I know I'm not overweight at the moment, but my weight is worrying me and the fact that I have so many issues. Just want to be healthy and happy. And stop feeling guilty about everything.
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Post by monica on Sept 17, 2013 14:03:47 GMT
Hugest hugs to you. This is a horrid blip - but that's what it is even if it feels u have plummeted and the negative thoughts are back with a vengeance and with them the domino effect - one thought leads to another and so on. Do u know what's triggered this blip?
Re the spiralling thoughts as you feel it starting say stop aloud or try to distract yourself. Perhaps do something nice for urself as a pick me up.
If ur able to perhaps go for a run or do somme physical exercise that can get those endorphins going. If it continues do go and see ur dr.
You are a wonderful, kind, intelligent and gorgeous girl and of course someone (who knows many) men will want u. These thoughts are this horrid illness talking.l
Monica
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 18, 2013 17:56:20 GMT
Thanks that's great advice, monica. I'm so tired of this though. Wish I could just get finished with it once and for all. I hate doubting everything and the dreaded thoughts have tried to come back but I've used my CBT to sort of brow beat them back into submissions. I must say, this blip isn't as bad as the initial depression was.
So that's something at least. At least I am eating and carrying on with my life and work, instead of coming to a complete standstill. Trying to look at all the positives. They say depression is transient - I cling to that thought all the time.
I love my son so very much, and I hate having dreaded thoughts or asking myself if I love him enough etc. Especially when I see horrible stories on the news about people who hurt their children and I start getting scared that I'm like them. When I know I'm not. I couldn't hurt a stranger, let alone my own child.
Cutie is at the point where he throws lost of tantrums, and it makes me so angry I want to scream or give him a smack on the bum. Then I feel terrible for feeling that way in the first place.
But I know it's part of the illness. I'm TIRED of not having confidence in myself and worrying about everything all the damn time. I'm so TIRED of it. I don't want to do it anymore. SO I just won't. I love my family and my son and my life and am thankful for what opportunities I have and the life I am gifted with.
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Post by monica on Sept 19, 2013 21:40:56 GMT
I completely understand you. This illness is so tiring and draining. I felt that way too. I can offer you hope though that pni will come to an end and even before you are completely recovered, the blips will be manageable. And do u know what, u will have learnt so much about yourselfx
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 30, 2013 18:01:38 GMT
Okay, so I started the day feeling quite good. I went away on the weekend and attended a friend's wedding and it was great. I felt confident, I worked through my anxiety and I actually had fun. Then we came home and I've got a bit of the flu. Woke up and was feeling fluish but positive. Worked a lot and because of that, didn't see much of my son. So tonight, I was lying with him before bed and started having some serious anxiety: what if I don't recognize him or go mad. You know, the usual. So I calmed myself down and forced myself to look at him and kiss him, but still having anxiety because of the whole thing. Feeling emotional and up and down. I'm sure it's normal and I always remind myself that it's the PNI that makes me have these thoughts and just the fact that I'm rationalizing about them means I haven't gone mad and that I won't forget my Cutie. I think I just missed him so much this weekend and today, and felt guilt about not seeing him. It's like he grows up SOOOO fast in just a day, and every hour I miss I feel guilty for. Yet, I'm doing the best I can by working from home.
I don't know what I'd do without this forum. It's such a wonderful way to get what's on my mind, off it. I guess I also miss companionship too. It's difficult being a single parent without any hope of meeting up with a guy. I'm hoping to move out of my small town soon, and am keen to start up a new business. I just wonder if I will have these thoughts and self-doubts forever. I'm tired of being OCD, seeking approval and worrying about things I shouldn't. But I'm working on it very hard.
At least every day isn't a struggle any more. But any thoughts related to my Cutie still scare the crap out of me. I love him so much. Also, tonight he ran into the bathroom at bath time and slipped (even though I told him not too) and bumped his head. I was so worried he was concussed but I knew he wasn't because he didn't show any of the symptoms. But I think that threw me off too.
It's so annoying to be soooooo hypersensitive to EVERYTHING. I can't do anything without it affecting me and sending me into a spiral. I hope that ends soon!
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aura
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Post by aura on Sept 30, 2013 18:03:01 GMT
Also get a lot of dissociation: derealization and depersonalization. Which makes me feel disconnected from my son and everyone else. That doesn't really help when I'm obsessing over whether I'll forget him or not recognize him etc.
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