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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 4, 2014 13:02:37 GMT
Well this is my first diary entry. I have been using the PNI forum for support over the last 8 months but thought it would be more helpful to put pen to paper (so to speak) about my experiences. Today is a challenging day as I am feeling very rocky. I have been back at work for nearly a month now. Everyone here has been so supportive and kind which I feel very lucky for. I just wish that I wasn't feeling how I do today when I just want to run away from work as the doubting thoughts in my head are so loud. I don't know what to do with myself when I feel this bad . My mum is caring for my LO today whilst I work. He is such a good boy and they will be having fun together. If only I felt for him what everybody else does. I just feel empty. As I write this the tears can't stop coming because I am so tired of feeling so down. This run has only been the last 4 days but they feel like an eternity. I am so lucky to have an amazing family around me who love and care for me but there is only so much that they have the time and energy to do. I don't want to be a burden to them and emotionally drain them. My poor mum gets so tired by my being ill and worries so much. I can't bear to think that I cause her pain. All I want to be is emotionally right.
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Post by juppster on Feb 6, 2014 7:46:07 GMT
Welcome to the diary section, I really hope you find it helpful, I know I did xx
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Post by monica on Feb 6, 2014 11:56:47 GMT
Hi
I hope you don't mind me replying. It sounds as if you're having a blip? Pni is cruel but if you are making progress overall and can ride out the blips it's positive.It does get better I promise.
Are you getting any support?
Monica
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 6, 2014 12:34:52 GMT
Hi Monica, Until last month I was being supported by an amazing agency called MIMHS (mothers and infants mental health service) but that stopped when LO turned a year. I really miss working with them as I knew they were at the end of the phone if I was feeling bad. I have been referred back to the community team but they are overworked and understaffed so can't offer much help :-( I am just struggling this week and seem to have gone quite a way backwards which is difficult and upsetting.
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 6, 2014 12:47:07 GMT
So I am sitting at work and trying not to panic too much. This week is proving to be really quite overwhelming and I am worrying about everything and nothing. More than anything else I get so anxious when I have to spend long periods of time alone with my LO. It seems that everyone else is calm and happy when they are with him and I just get in a complete state. It shouldn't be the case as he is the most easy going, loving and relaxed little boy. I don't seem to have any justification as to why I am still anxious and depressed. He is a year old now and I should be over this. I should be able to feel the love and affection for him that everyone else can. His dad spends hours playing with him and laughing with him. I worry that he will see that his mummy doesn't do these things. The anxiety rolls over into all areas of my life. I struggle to get out to the shops with him and have to rely on others. I wake in the early hours of the morning in a crippling state of panic. I find it difficult to cook and eat proper meals because I just have no appetite. I just seem to be living like a shadow. I have amazing support from my family who are probably quite over protective of me. They saw me when I was really unwell last year and worry that I could go that way again. I ended up living with my parents with LO as needed constant support. My husband and I are currently living apart because I couldn't cope with our relationship. It has all been a bit of a mess really. I see a really good counsellor once a week who has been fantastic. I just feel that I don't have the emotional resources to cope when the anxiety takes over. I would welcome any suggestions as to how fellow mums have coped.
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Post by monica on Feb 6, 2014 13:22:51 GMT
Hi
Try not to be so hard for yourself. Pni is extremely debilitating -many people incl sufferers find it hard to understand how this illness can floor you. Recovery can be a slow process - 2 steps forward one step back and can take a while to get there. The symptoms you describe are common for pni. The anxiety, difficulty in bonding with child and feeling emotions, difficulty in playing with child. Physical symptoms are easier to see and easier to accept.
You say you should be over this by now. As slow as recovery seems you are making progress. You were much worse before and it's through your ard work you are getting better. Perhaps there are little things you could do to help bonding- baby massage, painting, swimming. In short bursts these types of activity can help with the closeness.
Cbt is very good with coping with anxiety. Perhaps ask counsellor or gp about thatx
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 7, 2014 13:01:59 GMT
Today seems to be a better day, hooray. LO has nursery on a Friday so I have to get up super early to get him and myself ready. Hubby stayed over last night which was quite a big thing. He was up and helping me with LO this morning which was such a help. I slept well and didn't wake up so anxious as I have the rest of the week. I have my counselling appointment this afternoon so will talk through my panics of the week. I just need to stay calm for my Saturday with LO. When the day is unstructured and I am alone with him I get very anxious and panicky. Let's see how the day goes.
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 8, 2014 11:21:04 GMT
Hubby has been unwell yesterday and today so has been home with me and little one. I woke up in a panic about how horrible my day could be with LO. I have an unhelpful way of thinking the worse before the situation has even happened. I get so anxious that I end up being sick which makes my tummy ache. So instead of being on my own hubby has been here which is comforting. When I saw my counsellor yesterday she said I need to be careful of looking for family to rescue me when I feel bad and am alone. She says I need to reflect on all the good successful things I have done with LO rather than panicking about what could happen. I just get so locked up in my own head. Let's see how the day progresses.
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Post by Weeble on Feb 9, 2014 7:50:01 GMT
Hi how was it? Did you cope of?
Sent from my GT-I9300 using proboards
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Post by monica on Feb 9, 2014 13:21:45 GMT
Hi
How are you? How did the rest of the day pan out. I too used to dread days alone with the children. The worry is worse than the reality. If you can try not to dwell on the whole day in front of you. Instead concentrate on each hour to start off with. Breaking it down in to several chunks can make the day more manageablex
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 9, 2014 14:25:15 GMT
Rest of yesterday went fine. Admittedly I was only alone with little one for three hours but I did it. I am so rubbish at reminding myself about my achievements and instead end up beating myself up mentally about what I have yet to do and how I will fail. Hubby has been a real support over the last few days. He has been encouraging me to talk about my anxieties and not let them fester. He did say that he worries that I don't smile at LO a lot. This makes me really worry that my pni will affect LO and he will see me as the sad one. His dad is amazing at playing and laughing with him while I just am emotionally frozen. I worry that now LO is one that he will start to notice that his mummy is not a smiley happy one. I look at friends and their babies who giggle and blow raspberries on them, read them stories and sing to them. I struggle to do any of that :-(
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 9, 2014 14:40:51 GMT
I keep waking up very early in the morning (4.30) and then my head goes into a spin. When I woke this morning I had what I called 'anxiety terrors'. These are the most horrible mentally debilitating thoughts that usually involve failing at something. This morning it was about not being able to get out of the house. I then catastrophise about how everything will fall apart. I usually end up resorting to taking a Lorezepan which long term will not help. My mum keeps telling me that I need to get up and do an exercise DVD or something. I don't want to do this because I hate being alone with my thoughts downstairs. I try to listen to a book tape to stay calm and lie still in bed. I know I probably won't go back to sleep but sometimes I doze a bit. Hubby woke up and talked to me for a while and then stroked my back. I then count down the time until LO wakes up and then I have to face him. This morning I was counting down until hubby went to work. I just wanted him to stay with LO and I. I had arranged to go for a walk with my dad which was nice in the sunshine. Then we had lunch at mum and dad's. We are staying here for the next couple of nights and hubby will stay at his. We have such a dysfunctional relationship with us living apart most of the time. I would like to give it another proper go but I get so scared of emotionally committing. My emotions feel like they are on ice with LO and hubby :-(
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Post by monica on Feb 10, 2014 11:33:06 GMT
Hi
If you wake up early can u get up and do something? Lying in bed and dwelling on thought at night seems to set the thoughts spiralling (very common). Or try breathing exercises - I found this helped me get back to sleep.
Does sound as if you and hubby have a really strong connection. Things will improvex
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Post by RaspberryBeret on Feb 10, 2014 12:29:33 GMT
So I slept better last night and was not haunted by the terrors when I woke up. It is in a way harder when I stay at mum and dad's because LO shares the room with me. His cot is right next to me. I like to know that he is asleep and safe but sometimes find the proximity suffocating. I said to my mum that I would love to wake up one morning and feel close loving affection for my baby. Instead I find him terrifying. I worry that it is inherently so wrong to feel such negative feelings for my baby. I have been back at work for nearly 6 weeks now but it doesn't seem to be getting any easier. If anything my panic is accelerating. I am meant to be back to teaching classes after half term and that terrifies me. I struggle being in the classroom enough as it is. My mind gets so distracted by the negative thoughts about myself and LO. I need to stop ruminating on the down things and focus. I worry that if I had to leave work then how could I support my son? I would have to move back in with my parents again and that would also damage my relationship. Going off on a spiral of panic. Also LO goes to nursery so that would have to change. I know that these are all 'what ifs' but sometimes I just get stuck in a repeating loop :-(
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butterfly
Private Board (R) Member
Posts: 1,432
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Post by butterfly on Feb 11, 2014 8:46:26 GMT
Hello and welcome :-) You should be really proud of yourself for doing what your doing, ie working with a baby. Have you spoken to anyone about how your feeling about your baby? Like a health visitor. They are good to talk to. Keep writing, keep sharing, we've all had simular experiences. Take care xx
Sent from my C5303 using proboards
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