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Post by Cazzy20112014 on May 16, 2014 15:22:14 GMT
Hi,
I'm so pleased iv finally found a support group that makes me feel that I am not alone, I have two children my eldest is 2 and my youngest is 8 months i have been struggling with depression since she my youngest born. I asked for help from the drs because I was always so tired and constantly worried that something would happen to me all I got was come back and we will sort a medication out for you. That's not what I wanted, I wanted to hear comforting words I have been plodding along for months constantly upset and constantly angry and feeling that I'm failing at being a mother as I'm always so angry with them both ( I would never hurt them but sometimes I feel that yelling and being negative is just as bad) I am always tired and generally the smallest of things felt like something major was going wrong. Finally I told my husband a few weeks back that I have depression I'm struggling and I don't know what to do, that in its self was such a weight lifted it just felt like such a release It was so upsetting telling him but the fact he instantly looked at me and was like why didn't you tell me his reaction just took the edge of it as it was! Soooo a few weeks down the line and as crazy as it sounds life feels more bareable now (most days) I love my children so much and I think that's why I get so upset because I used to be so negative towards them I still am on odd days and it isn't fair on them, they don't deserve that they are beautiful children who are so down to earth and already writing that makes me well up with tears. I'm babbling on now I know but I was wondering do you other mummies and daddies ever still have bad days? Like yestursday was an amazing day we had so much fun in the sun outside but today my youngest crying this morning made me want to go lock myself in the toilet away from them and generally iv felt really down and fed up again :-( I hate feeling this way towards them they really are my everything :-( will this ever go? Do I need help? I don't want help I was praying it would just fizzle out and telling my husband making life easier would just get even easier as the days go on? But now I don't know will I always have to live with good days bad days? :-( I just don't knowwwww!! Sorry for long stupid random message I just wanted to write it down for once rather than saying it all over and over in my head!
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Post by monica on May 16, 2014 19:01:45 GMT
Hello
So glad you've found us too. Problem shared is a problem halved and telling ur husband has brought you south relief .
Motherhood can be extremely taxing and ur work is 24/7, coupled with hormonal changes can make what's always portrayed as the perfect time of ur life , a living nightmare .
The symptoms u describe are very common with pni. So sorry ur dr was useless . Can u see another in ur surgery? Meds can be great but its a commitment of at least 6 maths after u feel better. Perhaps it's worth trying counselling - getting things off ur chest plus finding coping strategies can be very good.
Recovery is rarely an overnight success - it's usual to have ups and downs sometimes there's no pattern to these fluctuations in mood - this is normal for pni.
Exercise can be great too if u can do this. The endorphins helped hugely for me.
Perhaps try keeping a diary on here - u can monitor how u feel as often as u wish plus get support from the fan ladies here who really understand x
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Post by kmum on May 16, 2014 20:36:34 GMT
Oh my! My eyes welled up reading your post. You have no idea how familiar and spot on your thoughts, feelings and actions are with the rest if us girls on the forum. I suffered for 9 months before I had what felt like a breakdown! I felt an overwhelming sense of not being able to cope and that I hadn't bonded with son. I couldn't get out of bed and withdrew from everything and everyone! I cried all the time. Couldn't sleep or enjoy anything. Had awful thoughts and worried if never be a good mummy.
I feel heartbroken to say this but I had 3 GP appointments over about 5 months as I got progressively worse! I knew I was very low but given the issues if had after birth and retuning to work at 4 months barely weeks after my womb infection had gone, it was not surprising. My GP was no help and remains no help whatsoever!
They tried me on Citilopram but it sent me mental and I had a constant panic attack for 3 days. Worst experience of my life! So they then tried me on Fluoxetine whic I now know was very much like the first drug in its make up which makes me angry as they also sent me haywire and I had further 3 days where my body was in fight or flight mode.
Sounds to me like anti depressants could be good option for you. I'm now on venlafaxine (ssnri type which work differently on your brain) and after nearly 3 weeks on then I started to feel light at end if tunnel! I distinctively remember over a few days feeling less tired, sleeping better and my appetite started to return. Gradually I found there were days I was really positive and laughed more than I had done in about a year!!!! Apparently anti depressants are like a lubricant for the brain enabling you to think easier and that's why CBT type counselling is perfect for PND. Ask your GP to refer u for this. It can take up to 8 weeks but you can pay privately if can afford it. Or just wait the 8 weeks.
If you get a chance take a look at my posts and diary where iv gone nut more detail on what and how it's helped me. But I know other girls felt same.
The worst time for me was a few months when I literally felt unable to look after baby! But I genuinely didn't understand what was going on with me! It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found this forum because I suddenly realised! But at the same time the relief was unreal! A safe place to talk about it. A guideline to how you feel. Advice on experiences and ways to deal with things. Reassurance better than any bloody GP!!!!
Best thing about your post is fact your hubby was supportive. My hubby didn't understand until I literally couldn't get out if bed! Until I started seeing a counsellor and took time off work. Until my mum flew home from hols to be here! Then it hit hard! But he's been amazing since. And continues to try his best. But it is hard for hubby's too!!!!
Sounds like now u have found ur support network at home. Tell your nearest and dearest. It will be a weight of shoulders I promise. Keep in touch and def ask GP about CBT.
Finally....chin up. We are always here to chat when u need :-))
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Post by kmum on May 16, 2014 20:41:08 GMT
Someone once told me that when you suffer this kind of illness you need to 'be kind to yourself'. When I feel angry or guilty I try to remember that it is an illness. I try my hardest to not beat myself up about it. To allow time to heal and try be confident that il get better.
Notice I use words 'try'. Some bad days still but now I know what it is it doesn't scare me as much ;-)
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Post by Cazzy20112014 on May 18, 2014 19:33:00 GMT
Awww I'm soooo pleased in a sense that all this is normal it's so hard to even explain how I feel it never seems to make sense to me let alone anyone else it just a mixture of soooo much stuff it's unreal today has been a good day probably because my husbands home to help. I just hate the feeling of upsetting my children i love them so much it hurts to think iv upset them or caused a memory of me they won't ever forget ( which I know is so silly since their 2 and 9 months) that is negative it breaks my heart every memory I have of my dad is him being angry and verbally aggressive due to his illness It would kill me knowing that's how they think of me! I just want to feel normal, I want to feel me!?! And I feel angry at the fact that my brain isn't letting me or whatever it is that isn't letting me why can't I cope and be this whole stay at home make jam tarts, paints and roll around laughing with her kids type of mum why?!? Why Am I angry at the slightest thing why am I constantly hiding in the kitchen crying with a cuppa in my hand away from the kids because I feel that I can't cope with the fact their both crying?!? It just feels so unfair :-( I think your right I. Isn't go back to the drs anti depressants were a massive no no my mother had to go on them when she hit 49 for a little while and she always seemed empty? Does that even makes sense she was there but she wasn't I know times have changed now....ohhhh I dunno maybe il go have another chat I have started taking kettlercise twice a week and it feels great it lifts my mood so much I love it.
Thanks again mummies it really is nice to bea ble to must say How's feel without the look of terror and Judgement in their faces xx
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Post by kmum on May 18, 2014 22:23:14 GMT
Listen the anti depressants made me feel numb for few weeks but now I honestly think they are fab. They turned it all around for me and will enable me and my brain to now do the hard work and get better.
Please don't 'not' try them because of something your mum said. Trust me, if you feel the way I did....what worse feeling can there be?!!!!
K
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Post by Weeble on May 25, 2014 20:46:02 GMT
Hi I agree the drugs are fine. Think of them like an antibiotic or a plaster cast. How have you been over the last few days
Kat
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by kmum on Jun 1, 2014 22:13:27 GMT
How are you doing Cazzie??? Hope your doing ok. :-)
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Post by Victoria on Jul 13, 2015 9:22:19 GMT
I have just read through this thread. I hope you are doing ok Cazzie. I have been on a long long road with my illness and hearing others struggles breaks my heart. You will get better. The bad days make it feel like you wont, but keep fighting and try to take things slowly. Massive hugs. xxx
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