Post by 2ndtime on May 20, 2014 6:33:07 GMT
I really thought, after everything I worked through after A was born, with two bouts of CBT and nearly two years of recovery, that I would cope better this time. But I can feel myself sinking! I am 22 weeks pregnant. I'm hoping the way I'm feeling is because of circumstances rather than PNI again, and things will become easier as some things sort themselves out. I'm most worried about my 3 year old and how this is / will effect her.
It has been an eventful 6 months for us. Apologies I might ramble a bit!
First we moved from UK to NZ in October and moved (temporarily) into a caravan on my parents farm. There were two funerals within the next couple of months, my aunt and step grandmother. The first few months in NZ were spent traveling to these and visiting various relations other neglected relations on DH's side and mine. It has been an intense family time. I found out I was pregnant about Christmas time and was pretty out of it with morning sickness for the next couple of months. DH did his back in just as he was about to start trying to find work, then had a bad stomach bug so was out of action for weeks with both of these. Then, just as I was coming out of haze of the first trimester, DH went away to Wellington (6 hour drive away) for two weeks to find us a place to live and a job. During this time my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer and my mother did her back in as well. Between 3 adults none of us were able-bodied, and I was really struggling to keep A out of their hair as they rushed around getting Dad seen to. He had an operation which was very uncomfortable afterward because of the catheter. My father doesn't deal well with discomfort or forced idleness.
Then my sister also came to stay around Easter. She's lovely but she upset me by bringing up memories of my childhood when Dad was severely depressed (planning suiside, though none of us knew that then) and Mum was ill, and how he acted at the time, which, suffice to say, was not exemplary. My sister (16) was doing all the cooking and a lot of the house work with no help from him except yelling. It's a time I don't remember very well, I was 12-13 and he was much harder on her than on me. It became clear when talking to her at Easter she's found that time very hard to forgive. She sees me as the favourite, something I have never felt to be true. But that is how she sees it. Anyway, it dragged up a lot of old memories I haven't thought about in years and, as A and I moved to Wellington to join DH soon after, I became very morose and constantly thinking about things that happened 25 years ago.
My poor little girl, I often find myself staring straight through her as she dances around in front of me, or realise she's been yelling something at me and I haven't responded. I snap at her more than I like. I'm stressing DH out as I had severe pnd last time that lasted the best part of 2 years. I try to pull myself out of my pointless circular thinking but it's very hard and most of the time it's just a face, which DH sees straight through, and I worry A does as well. And now, my parents have more results re. Dad's cancer, and it looks bad. The op did not get it all and he will have, either, bladder out with bag and chemo, or chemo and radiotherapy. He could well be on the way out. I feel like crying a lot but feel I can't do it around DH or A, and I get no time away from either of them (DH not working yet, A is at home too).
I feel a bit guilty writing this as it is not nearly as severe as last time yet, but I'm so worried it will become as bad, and I'm worried it will effect my little girl. While I know little babies are effected by mothers with PND, I can't help feeling a toddler would be more effected as they understand so much more, and you can't just hug them and cry. Plus they don't sleep as much. So, as you may have gathered, I'm very worried about the future as well as dwelling on things that happened so long ago they shouldn't matter. I need to come back to the present, but it is so so hard
It has been an eventful 6 months for us. Apologies I might ramble a bit!
First we moved from UK to NZ in October and moved (temporarily) into a caravan on my parents farm. There were two funerals within the next couple of months, my aunt and step grandmother. The first few months in NZ were spent traveling to these and visiting various relations other neglected relations on DH's side and mine. It has been an intense family time. I found out I was pregnant about Christmas time and was pretty out of it with morning sickness for the next couple of months. DH did his back in just as he was about to start trying to find work, then had a bad stomach bug so was out of action for weeks with both of these. Then, just as I was coming out of haze of the first trimester, DH went away to Wellington (6 hour drive away) for two weeks to find us a place to live and a job. During this time my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer and my mother did her back in as well. Between 3 adults none of us were able-bodied, and I was really struggling to keep A out of their hair as they rushed around getting Dad seen to. He had an operation which was very uncomfortable afterward because of the catheter. My father doesn't deal well with discomfort or forced idleness.
Then my sister also came to stay around Easter. She's lovely but she upset me by bringing up memories of my childhood when Dad was severely depressed (planning suiside, though none of us knew that then) and Mum was ill, and how he acted at the time, which, suffice to say, was not exemplary. My sister (16) was doing all the cooking and a lot of the house work with no help from him except yelling. It's a time I don't remember very well, I was 12-13 and he was much harder on her than on me. It became clear when talking to her at Easter she's found that time very hard to forgive. She sees me as the favourite, something I have never felt to be true. But that is how she sees it. Anyway, it dragged up a lot of old memories I haven't thought about in years and, as A and I moved to Wellington to join DH soon after, I became very morose and constantly thinking about things that happened 25 years ago.
My poor little girl, I often find myself staring straight through her as she dances around in front of me, or realise she's been yelling something at me and I haven't responded. I snap at her more than I like. I'm stressing DH out as I had severe pnd last time that lasted the best part of 2 years. I try to pull myself out of my pointless circular thinking but it's very hard and most of the time it's just a face, which DH sees straight through, and I worry A does as well. And now, my parents have more results re. Dad's cancer, and it looks bad. The op did not get it all and he will have, either, bladder out with bag and chemo, or chemo and radiotherapy. He could well be on the way out. I feel like crying a lot but feel I can't do it around DH or A, and I get no time away from either of them (DH not working yet, A is at home too).
I feel a bit guilty writing this as it is not nearly as severe as last time yet, but I'm so worried it will become as bad, and I'm worried it will effect my little girl. While I know little babies are effected by mothers with PND, I can't help feeling a toddler would be more effected as they understand so much more, and you can't just hug them and cry. Plus they don't sleep as much. So, as you may have gathered, I'm very worried about the future as well as dwelling on things that happened so long ago they shouldn't matter. I need to come back to the present, but it is so so hard
