Post by lisamarie85 on Jun 1, 2014 6:22:37 GMT
Hi ladies, hopefully keeping this diary will help, although I feel pretty hopeless at the moment :/ I'm Lisa and I gave birth to baby girl Imogen 3 weeks ago. I'm 29 yrs of age and I was diagnosed with a mood disorder around age 21 whilst at University - I have taken medication since then (anti-depressants) and mentally been pretty stable, some episodes of low mood since then but counselling and medication have kept me on the whole relatively well...
My lowest point came during the first 20wks or so of pregnancy. I'd gradually reduced my medications prior to becoming pregnant with the support of my GP and genuinely felt ok coming off them. Then several stressors triggered a depressive episode:
My nan died of cancer when I found out I was expecting...my mum found it difficult to cope and had a break down herself...I started a new job as a nurse, we were very understaffed on the ward and I found myself under tremendous pressure to cover the short fall...I had terrible sickness due to pregnancy and felt constantly nauseous...
On my days off I would stay in bed all day, contemplating abortion and crying myself to sleep. My only solace was my dog tessy who I adore, she would cuddle in to me and was the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life (I'd never felt suicidal prior to this in my life)...my family, inc. my husband were at a loss re what to do with me.
Eventually I told work I couldn't cope and they were very supportive - I moved wards, attended counselling, the sickness started to subside and I had 3 weeks off wrk to rest...things were looking up and I was fortunate to enjoy the last part of pregnancy.
My daughter was born on May 9th after a 48 hour labour, I found it difficult and needed stitches due to taring, the baby also stopped breathing for several minutes after birth, but the medical staff handled it really calming and she was able to b feed from me immediately after and we were able to go home 3 days later as the baby needed to attend the intensive care unit for anti-biotics.
My husband has been fantastic support since we got home, and he knows about my struggles with my mood over the years. My mum suffers from bipolar disorder and isn't too well herself, and despite her being open about her post natal depression with us she is doing her best to block out the fact that evidently struggling because I don't think she can emotionally cope with it.
I have no attachment to my baby at all, and I feel as though I'm in a constant state of anxiety waiting for her to wake up and scream. She has colic so can be very unsettled at times. I resent her everytime I try and grab a bit of time to spend with my husband and dog it's as though she is there right on cue to sabotage it.
The responsibility of parenthood is overwhelming me and I find myself in tears frequently, unable to comprehend that she isn't just a temporary intruder and that she is never going 'back'.
Another reason I feel so hopeless is that I've actually taken steps to try and feel better with no success...I'm back on my anti-depressants and making an effort to eat well/dress/get fresh air and meet up with friends...but I still feel hopelessly desperate and wish I just went to sleep and never had to wake up. My midwife said I need to 'chill out more' as my agitation levels will be sensed by baby and make her more difficult, then she discharged me to the health visitor. My health visitor is leaving in 8 weeks to go back and wrk in a more deprived area as she said misses the social challenges she doesn't get working where I live!!
I feel so lonely and guilty and I'm at a loss for what to do to improve my mental state and attitude, friends say it gets easier and that I should be so proud of the baby, but i see no light at the end and would do anything to send this baby back :-(
My lowest point came during the first 20wks or so of pregnancy. I'd gradually reduced my medications prior to becoming pregnant with the support of my GP and genuinely felt ok coming off them. Then several stressors triggered a depressive episode:
My nan died of cancer when I found out I was expecting...my mum found it difficult to cope and had a break down herself...I started a new job as a nurse, we were very understaffed on the ward and I found myself under tremendous pressure to cover the short fall...I had terrible sickness due to pregnancy and felt constantly nauseous...
On my days off I would stay in bed all day, contemplating abortion and crying myself to sleep. My only solace was my dog tessy who I adore, she would cuddle in to me and was the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life (I'd never felt suicidal prior to this in my life)...my family, inc. my husband were at a loss re what to do with me.
Eventually I told work I couldn't cope and they were very supportive - I moved wards, attended counselling, the sickness started to subside and I had 3 weeks off wrk to rest...things were looking up and I was fortunate to enjoy the last part of pregnancy.
My daughter was born on May 9th after a 48 hour labour, I found it difficult and needed stitches due to taring, the baby also stopped breathing for several minutes after birth, but the medical staff handled it really calming and she was able to b feed from me immediately after and we were able to go home 3 days later as the baby needed to attend the intensive care unit for anti-biotics.
My husband has been fantastic support since we got home, and he knows about my struggles with my mood over the years. My mum suffers from bipolar disorder and isn't too well herself, and despite her being open about her post natal depression with us she is doing her best to block out the fact that evidently struggling because I don't think she can emotionally cope with it.
I have no attachment to my baby at all, and I feel as though I'm in a constant state of anxiety waiting for her to wake up and scream. She has colic so can be very unsettled at times. I resent her everytime I try and grab a bit of time to spend with my husband and dog it's as though she is there right on cue to sabotage it.
The responsibility of parenthood is overwhelming me and I find myself in tears frequently, unable to comprehend that she isn't just a temporary intruder and that she is never going 'back'.
Another reason I feel so hopeless is that I've actually taken steps to try and feel better with no success...I'm back on my anti-depressants and making an effort to eat well/dress/get fresh air and meet up with friends...but I still feel hopelessly desperate and wish I just went to sleep and never had to wake up. My midwife said I need to 'chill out more' as my agitation levels will be sensed by baby and make her more difficult, then she discharged me to the health visitor. My health visitor is leaving in 8 weeks to go back and wrk in a more deprived area as she said misses the social challenges she doesn't get working where I live!!
I feel so lonely and guilty and I'm at a loss for what to do to improve my mental state and attitude, friends say it gets easier and that I should be so proud of the baby, but i see no light at the end and would do anything to send this baby back :-(
