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Post by brach24 on Jun 20, 2014 5:04:17 GMT
This is a summary Id written elsewhere on 9th June - things have changed but it tells a bit of the story so far...
Ive had pnd diagnosed July last year when my second little girl was a few months old. I received counselling and good support from gp and hv. I was really low a lot of the time. I couldn't talk to my little one, had scary thoughts about leaving her places, dropping her etc but mainly struggled within myself with thoughts of self harm, wanting to die, hating myself. I couldn't breastfeed and I had real issues with seeing other mums breastfeed and also wouldn't let others bottle feed my girl. I was scared she'd bond with someone else before I was fixed enough to bond with her. I couldn't really cope with the outside world at all. Since the start of this year I have been seeing the local mental health team and receiving cbt from a psychiatrist. I also started medication. I got diagnosed with post natal anxiety disorder. I developed a stutter and a twitch and shaking at times. The anxiety really took over from the low mood. I was so on edge about everything and nothing.
Fast forward to now and I am so much better. The anxiety is so much better - I still have it at times but its not so debilitating. I am still low at times but they are further apart and don't last as long. Breastfeeding issues have gone completely and me and my girl are well bonded (although she's a daddys girl as he has cared for her a tonne tho past year). I get out and about a fair amount. My return back to work several months ago didn't go well and I am back doing an easier role on a "return to work plan". I can't imagine ever getting back to my old role though and not sure how long they'll give me.
So thats where Im at at present. Im wondering if the lows and anxiety, although so much better, would go completely if I upped my meds. Im on 10mg citalopram so theres plenty room for increase. It seems silly to up it when I'm feeling generally better. Id love to feel completely well though. The lows are still horrible when they happen! Its hard to weigh up having complete recovery quicker (so starting reducing quicker) against not having as much to reduce off of. Ive been told I need to take them for 6 months after I feel completely well. Getting off them quickly is important for me as Ive had to stop some medication for my physical health problems to be allowed to take them.
Another part of the story is that my most debilitating anxiety at present is in interacting with medical professionals. I haven't seen my gp in months because of this. I should really be seeing them for my physical stuff and to discuss my citalopram but I can't get myself to organise it. Thi spast year has been a real eye opener into how well you have to be to be able to access services for having poor mental health!!!
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Post by brach24 on Jun 20, 2014 5:19:20 GMT
Not feeling so positive anymore. I upped my meds last week am hoping it will help. I've been advised to go off work as it's taking up so much mental energy to keep it going. Feels like a huge backwards step. I chatted with my boss and occupational health are now involved but I can literally walk out at any moment and be signed off. I'd love to not have to deal with work and the people there. It's a constant source of anxiety - it's hard being depressed around people. They take my lack of warmth personally. I just don't have the energy to keep up a facade. I'm really scared that it will send me backwards though. The sense of failure - too ill to work. There's going to be a lot of shocked people as everyone is telling me how good I look - "you look better" - it's an invisible disease so not sure what they're basing it on. I was doing a lot better but have really felt a dip this week. The twitching has been quite bad. I've been crying lots. Last night I started feeling like I didn't want to be near my baby again. Haven't felt like that in a loooong time. I've only had about 4hrs sleep tonight as I just can't shut off. I really just want to go for a run (a sign of anxiety for me) but my breathing is bad just now. Got our final baby group today - were going for a picnic. So sad to see this group ending - it's been an oasis in my week. I'm dreading the school holidays.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 21, 2014 6:34:49 GMT
Hi sweetie you are not a failure you are amazing this awful illness is an illness of strong women. Taking some time off work is not making you a failure. When you are like this remember if you had broken your leg or you had cancer you would not see giving yourself a break as failure.
Don't worry about feeling a little crap during this see it as just you are stressed and.even.healthy mum's get these thoughts and feelings.
Hope you are enjoying the weather
Have a good day Kat
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Post by monica on Jun 21, 2014 9:24:43 GMT
Agree with every word Weeble said - this is an illness and sometimes you just can't do things you would have done ordinarily. It's very important to take the pressure off - it will give you time to healx
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Post by brach24 on Jun 22, 2014 8:55:03 GMT
thanks for your replies ladies. I'm slowly coming round to the idea of some time off. I have an occupational health meeting on friday afternoon - a few hours after i see my psychiatrist. Id like to leave the decision till then, just got to get through this week first though. yesterday was a good day. i think because i didn't plan to do too much and got outside for a bit, a bit more sleep than usual always helps too. It made me hopeful that maybe Im not as bad as I think. I always seem to do this - on a bad day i feel Im on a downward spiral and a good day I think Im practically over it. I wish I could get some clarity and trust my own judgements. I wish Id kept a diary earlier so that I had something concrete to compare against. I know occupational health will just throw it back at me and what do i think I can do etc. What Id really wish for is someone to tell me whats the best thing to do 24/7!! Decision making is so hard these days.
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Post by Weeble on Jun 22, 2014 9:53:19 GMT
If you are having good days and bad days that's great news because that sounds like you are starting to recover. the good news is the good day will turn into days then weeks. if you want to work don't stop ask for reduced hours. When I went back to work after my pni I started two.hours twice a week and built up. I am glad I never broke from the workplace completely apart from mat leave. As I did see other adults and had a reason to.dress.nicely and be me not just a mum with mental health problems
Keep talking
Kat
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Post by quantumrose on Jun 22, 2014 17:55:07 GMT
Hi, how are you? Im finding this forum so helpful, I really hope you do too. Know what you mean about how well someone has to be, to find and access help for mental health! It's a looong journey and one you have worked through so bravely, massive well done for that. I too suffer from anxiety in general but especially linked to medical stuff. Is there anyone that can come with you to see gp if you need to go? Might help to have someone to be with, even if its just in the waiting room! Hope you're feeling a bit better today and enjoying the sunshine x
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Post by brach24 on Jun 22, 2014 23:20:12 GMT
I do think there is lots of good stuff that I get from working. It's nice to drink a cup of tea while it's still warm for a start. As for the medical stuff, I'm quite anxious about my little ones mmr on Tuesday. I don't want my anxiety stopping her from getting it but I already bailed once (she did have a cold but I wouldn't have gone anyway) trying to plan if anyone can come too. How do you cope with these situations? I've been lovig the sunny days. Great to get outside x
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Post by Weeble on Jun 23, 2014 5:20:38 GMT
Hi I have a similar challenge getting to medical appointments. I have a range of techniques asking someone to come with me. Thinking through the consequences of not going thinking how relieved I will be once it's over
On work don't let anyone force you into a decision do what want
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Post by monica on Jun 23, 2014 18:03:22 GMT
The good weather makes a huge difference!
Defo good if someone else can help out with drs appt for little one. Sometimes it's good to let someone else take over just to give u a bit of breathing space.
Re work what do u think would help you? For instance would reducing hours, change of responsibilities help? Remember this isn't ling term change (unless u want it to be) - it's just to help you recover.
For instance I had a staggered return to work starting with shorter and fewer days then built them up. I took leave for reduced hrs but a friend took sick leave. Do u have a union ? Maybe consult them too?
Good luck x
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Post by kmum on Jun 24, 2014 20:49:48 GMT
Hi
Firstly that seems a very low dose of meds. Which is good as it means chances are you yourself are getting better rather than the meds. My therapist always says that it's the techniques and new ways if thinking that help us to get better and nut actually the meds. The meds are like a lubrication for the mind the enable us to think more clearly. That's all.
Sounds like CBT type counselling could benefit you. Have you tried?
K
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Post by kmum on Jun 24, 2014 20:55:58 GMT
I took 6 weeks off work and I have my own business. I'm now doing 4 days a week instead of 5 and feel not too bad. I remember telling people I was a failure at work and at home!!! That's honestly how I felt. But it's only when you start to feel better when you realise that actually it's impossible to properly get better without the time off. You need to rest and concentrate on yourself for a while. Truce the pressure in your life so you can gain control again. Also the guilt and embarrassment of suffering while in work can only be making it worse.
That's just from my own experience of course. You may feel differently. Be kind to yourself and try to realise that this is only short term. Don't put pressure on a timeframe of getting better. Take each day as it comes. It will get better. :-)
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Post by brach24 on Jun 26, 2014 22:37:43 GMT
Thanks so much for your replies. This week has been very difficult and all I could do was read - I got too anxious about posting! The mmr is over. I had a complete meltdown and phoned my hv in tears and stuttering (I haven't seen her in 4/5months) trying to explain that I needed help. She was great and went with me. We had a good chat too. I found that helpful and very relieved that mmr is behind us. I have to admit to being disappointed at how panicky/shaking and low I got at the time. I really felt back to stage 1. I'm feeling very detached from my baby and the bad dreams and intrusive thoughts have started again. I'm up to 20mg citalopram now - nearly 2 weeks in and hoping it will help soon. It is a low dose - they were concerned about interactions as I'm also on a lot of other meds for my physical health so the initial prescriber (gp) was really reticent to give me it at all.
I have my cbt again tomorrow - I've lost track of how many sessions were into it. I got fasttracked for it and see a dr (psychiatrist reg I think). I'm hoping it will be helpful. She's quite analytical which I like but it's not the safe comfy environment I'm used to from counselling (18 weeks of that before cbt). I found myself longing for my counsellor this week. Which is a bit weird as I didn't feel the counselling did much except keep me safe... Maybe I shouldn't downplay that - it did keep me safe and I was def a risk to myself. I guess it didn't really help me sort my thoughts out much. Don't know why I wanted to see her again after all this time.
So tomorrow I'm hoping to make a decision about work. It's been so time consuming weighing it all up continually. I'm going to show my pros/cons list to cbt woman and then ask her advice. I have a meeting with occupational health in the afternoon and am trusting that by the end of that I'll have a plan. I'm leaning towards a few weeks off or reduced hours. I'm already on flexible hour plans and my boss is happy for me to be late and leave whenever (they've been great at accommodating me). It's a hard workplace to be in when you're not on top form. You put it well kmum - guilt and embarrassment of not being well so publicly is hard. I'm worried about isolation and not having that social contact / me time. There would be no escape from home if my thoughts etc keep this bad. Will just be relieved to make a decision.
Sorry this is a bit disjointed - my brain is very scatty just now. Thanks again for your support z
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Post by monica on Jun 27, 2014 8:17:37 GMT
Hi
Glad the mmr is over . It's prob why you are having a bit of a wobble ATM combined with work worries etc.
So pleased work r being accommodating. Remember whatever you choose will help u recover quicker. It will really take that pressure off you.
Let us know how u get on todayx
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Post by brach24 on Jun 27, 2014 23:20:09 GMT
So today was hard but good. Isn't that often the way. Cbt session was a special one. I managed to voice my difficulties with her lack of sympathy/ acknowledgment of the difficult things I'm saying. For example when telling her about mmr I explained that I was in a real state and eventually managed to call hv and she immediately responds with "that's very positive- you asked for help when you needed it" and continued throwing positive statements at me while I described what had been really heartbreaking moments of the week. It just felt very dismissive. I do find her very matter if fact and not the warm fuzzy I'm used to with counselling. So I managed to broach it with her - not quite so personally though!! And she defended her case (that it's her role to be positive) and then said something along the lines of - it's because I'm a medical professional and you have a difficult relationship with your medical professionals and are looking to them to fill the gap left by your mum not being emotionally available when you needed her. What??!!! I am thinking she might be right. It explains a lot of my struggles this past year with appointments and difficult interactions even right back to midwives. I'll need to think about it more but it seems to fit. I'd love to know what else she's figured out about me that I haven't yet! She just said that in passing and moved on. I'm not really sure what you're meant to say when someone points out your transference on them. So I just said "sorry about that" and shrugged my shoulders. No idea what I'll do with that info but even having an explanation for some of my weirdo anxieties will be a help.
So after that I went to my occupational health appointment. The woman was again not very warm and friendly but ultimately good at her job. I didn't feel like I needed to prove myself in any way. It was nice to sit down with someone and have a good chat about what is the best way forward. She agreed that it would be good to have some break but that work itself can be helpful so we ended up going for reduced hours - paid for 16 working 8 for a month. Then back to full hours and a review in 3-6 months about my role and getting back to client work. She said it can take up to 5 yrs to get over Pnd. That's the first time anyone has ever given me a timescale. I don't like it but it's reassuring when lots of folks are questioning me as to why I'm not fixed already. We discussed how I spend the 8 hours as one of my concerns was the time off would just be spent doing more housework etc. and not actually siding recovery. She's wanting me to make sure it's 8hrs of me time. I need to see what that will look like practically and how I split my working hours. Also feel bad asking mother-in-law to child care for 8hrs while I work 4hrs and then read a book or whatever. Had a good run tonight - needed it to shake off all the stresses.
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