Post by AnoniMouse on Aug 11, 2014 14:40:48 GMT
12 weeks ago my wife gave birth to identical twins, stunning, love them lots. SAdly her 8 year depresssion did, as we thought it might, become very serious post natal depression. To the point we had her in A&E and then she was admitted voluntarily to a mental ward for a few days... she had fallen into a stupor and began to think about harming the twins and herself...
After a few days, few home visits, she began to get stronger, she had begun to retake her anti depressants and I think they began to kick in again, she came home.
We'd agreed to use some of her maternity pay to pay for a night nurse, to let us sleep and get a break as with twins neither of us could. A lady was sourced and arrived. Shes a star. She really helped. Things improved.
Then she took a turn for the worse, just as things were improving and we thinking we could get discharged from the local wellbeing support, kaBoom. She dropped to nearly a stupor and by the Friday morning she asked me to take her to a local private hospital. That afternoon I was due to fly to see my eldest daughter, aged 10 and I had already broken a promise earlier to see her and didnt want to let her down. The decision to go was like somebody holding a gun to my head, take the bullet or drink a poison in the glass in front. No win no win. I admitted her. She continued to say go to see your girl. I was leaving her with professionals. The twins were safely with her mum, a close friend of the family, the night nurse and her cousin. I just made the flight.
After the weekend I came back and she wasnt in a good way. I spoke to her doctor and she was on group therapy sessions/CBT and 121 psychotherapy. She had her own room and had been on suicide watch but wasnt any more. She hadnt recovered as well as the first time and she stayed for the week. I cancelled work. I dont work, I dont get paid and looked after the girls myself for the week with help from her mum and the night nurse. Things were tense, stressed, we all made it alive through the week but I fell out big time with her mum a couple of times. We were both exhausted.
I began to work with the doctors and local mental health team to get a plan together. Continued private care was impossible, we couldnt fund it. We didnt want her back in the nhs mental ward, wrong place. So I found a space at the local mum/baby nhs place for exactly this situation. I took my wife, hoping we could transfer her and take the girls. It was dirty/smelly and no way would we take the twins there. So then I went to my wife's mum. I know her dad has a little bit of money but didnt ask them for it. I sat down and explained the options. We didnt have funds for more private, only nhs. ugh. Her mum said they'd pay for private care. I restated a few times the costs. estimated as coping with depression, well? how long is that string. She understood.
So then we went to the private hospital, and sat with my wife around a big table, with her mum and the doctor and discussed the two options. It was agreed that the doc thought two more weeks in hospital would be a good prognosis and then she could drop into a more day care routine and I mooted we ask the night nurse to be full time for my wifes first two weeks home. Not cheap but all agreed.
Over the two weeks my wife began coming home occasionally, just a couple of times. My mum and eldest came for a week and helped a bit. Her mum got a rest. The night nurse agreed to be full time for 2 weeks.
Then my wife came home. She wasnt taling to me. I asked her if we could discuss things and when we did our relationship past , present and future was pounded into a pulp. every decision above was hit repeatedly. I was insulted, told how useless I am. The money issue was discussed and I was shot down for even talking to her parents about it. she said she was dicusted that I had left her that weekend to go and see my girl and discusted that I fell out with her mum and clearly didnt like her. She talked divorce and selling the house. In hindsight it was a real verbal abuse.
I felt awful. I'd truned myself inside out trying to manage the situation, I knew I'd made shocking decisions but ones that were forced upon me. I knew others wouldnt agree with my decisions. I have apologised if I hurt feelings but jeez I'd hoped for some empathy and got zero. I got no thanks. Zero.
Now shes been home a week, very little else has been said. The nioght nurse tried to help bring us together and hence the apolgies I made, my door is open but hers remains resolutely shut. She has always beens stubborn. She wont tell me what is going on, what treatment if any she is having. how she thinks the hand back from the nurse is going, if we are likely to need anthing else after this coming weekend when nurse leaves. Her mum remains in situ. she spent the weeknd in her bed in her room in tears.
I go to work. this is where I type from.
Her meds have changed and apparently she will feel worse before she feels better, maybe this is the crying.
She is seeing and bathing, changing and bottle feeding the girls, with the nurse/mum help.
I can see more tough times ahread this weekend, in fact for a very long time.
I'm stressed my adhoc absence might mean I get fired. I've just saught out my own counselling for later this week. I love my girls and want to bring them up. I'm not a dad about to leave. I think sadly many would have gone by now.
I realise I've typed a ton of stuff and have not said why. I guess I want to kow if this will get better, if her mood and state of mind will lift and seriously what else I can do. Other than be a punchbag and get in the way I'm not sure what else I do. I'd love to here some feedback cos I really dont feel like I have a clue what to do from one second to the next. I feel like I'm firefighting with a little bucket of water while an inferno rages.
Any advice? Anybody had similar? Will it get better? Or should I drink myself to sleep every night -joke,not my style.
After a few days, few home visits, she began to get stronger, she had begun to retake her anti depressants and I think they began to kick in again, she came home.
We'd agreed to use some of her maternity pay to pay for a night nurse, to let us sleep and get a break as with twins neither of us could. A lady was sourced and arrived. Shes a star. She really helped. Things improved.
Then she took a turn for the worse, just as things were improving and we thinking we could get discharged from the local wellbeing support, kaBoom. She dropped to nearly a stupor and by the Friday morning she asked me to take her to a local private hospital. That afternoon I was due to fly to see my eldest daughter, aged 10 and I had already broken a promise earlier to see her and didnt want to let her down. The decision to go was like somebody holding a gun to my head, take the bullet or drink a poison in the glass in front. No win no win. I admitted her. She continued to say go to see your girl. I was leaving her with professionals. The twins were safely with her mum, a close friend of the family, the night nurse and her cousin. I just made the flight.
After the weekend I came back and she wasnt in a good way. I spoke to her doctor and she was on group therapy sessions/CBT and 121 psychotherapy. She had her own room and had been on suicide watch but wasnt any more. She hadnt recovered as well as the first time and she stayed for the week. I cancelled work. I dont work, I dont get paid and looked after the girls myself for the week with help from her mum and the night nurse. Things were tense, stressed, we all made it alive through the week but I fell out big time with her mum a couple of times. We were both exhausted.
I began to work with the doctors and local mental health team to get a plan together. Continued private care was impossible, we couldnt fund it. We didnt want her back in the nhs mental ward, wrong place. So I found a space at the local mum/baby nhs place for exactly this situation. I took my wife, hoping we could transfer her and take the girls. It was dirty/smelly and no way would we take the twins there. So then I went to my wife's mum. I know her dad has a little bit of money but didnt ask them for it. I sat down and explained the options. We didnt have funds for more private, only nhs. ugh. Her mum said they'd pay for private care. I restated a few times the costs. estimated as coping with depression, well? how long is that string. She understood.
So then we went to the private hospital, and sat with my wife around a big table, with her mum and the doctor and discussed the two options. It was agreed that the doc thought two more weeks in hospital would be a good prognosis and then she could drop into a more day care routine and I mooted we ask the night nurse to be full time for my wifes first two weeks home. Not cheap but all agreed.
Over the two weeks my wife began coming home occasionally, just a couple of times. My mum and eldest came for a week and helped a bit. Her mum got a rest. The night nurse agreed to be full time for 2 weeks.
Then my wife came home. She wasnt taling to me. I asked her if we could discuss things and when we did our relationship past , present and future was pounded into a pulp. every decision above was hit repeatedly. I was insulted, told how useless I am. The money issue was discussed and I was shot down for even talking to her parents about it. she said she was dicusted that I had left her that weekend to go and see my girl and discusted that I fell out with her mum and clearly didnt like her. She talked divorce and selling the house. In hindsight it was a real verbal abuse.
I felt awful. I'd truned myself inside out trying to manage the situation, I knew I'd made shocking decisions but ones that were forced upon me. I knew others wouldnt agree with my decisions. I have apologised if I hurt feelings but jeez I'd hoped for some empathy and got zero. I got no thanks. Zero.
Now shes been home a week, very little else has been said. The nioght nurse tried to help bring us together and hence the apolgies I made, my door is open but hers remains resolutely shut. She has always beens stubborn. She wont tell me what is going on, what treatment if any she is having. how she thinks the hand back from the nurse is going, if we are likely to need anthing else after this coming weekend when nurse leaves. Her mum remains in situ. she spent the weeknd in her bed in her room in tears.
I go to work. this is where I type from.
Her meds have changed and apparently she will feel worse before she feels better, maybe this is the crying.
She is seeing and bathing, changing and bottle feeding the girls, with the nurse/mum help.
I can see more tough times ahread this weekend, in fact for a very long time.
I'm stressed my adhoc absence might mean I get fired. I've just saught out my own counselling for later this week. I love my girls and want to bring them up. I'm not a dad about to leave. I think sadly many would have gone by now.
I realise I've typed a ton of stuff and have not said why. I guess I want to kow if this will get better, if her mood and state of mind will lift and seriously what else I can do. Other than be a punchbag and get in the way I'm not sure what else I do. I'd love to here some feedback cos I really dont feel like I have a clue what to do from one second to the next. I feel like I'm firefighting with a little bucket of water while an inferno rages.
Any advice? Anybody had similar? Will it get better? Or should I drink myself to sleep every night -joke,not my style.