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Post by Weeble on Aug 19, 2014 19:56:21 GMT
Good luck and great to hear progress
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by monica on Aug 20, 2014 8:16:27 GMT
Sounds like meds are kicking in . So pleased things are improving . Do expect blips though - this is quite normal although can feel ur back to square one !
You are such a wonderful and supportive husband . I have no doubt this makes a huge difference to recovery x
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Post by AnnoniMouse on Sept 1, 2014 14:22:25 GMT
I cant figure out if the good days/bad days are lightening to more good than bad but we had an ok week last week. I was on holiday and I was worried the whole week would be a mess, sure there were some low points and a couple of snappy arguments. She continues to make plans and not talk to me about them and there's no love and emotion at the moment but in hindsight it could have been a lot worse. We have a night nanny until the end of ~Sept or until the money runs out, whichever happens sooner. I sort of dread her and me having to pick up all those night feeds but I'm slowly/gently pushing the nanny to drop the middle of night feed and fingers crossed we get there soon. It does take longer with twins apparently. But they are now 13 weeks so they should be going that way soon. Then picking up the late and early feed might be more manageable for us. I do worry, its a bit of an unknown how she will cope with a little less sleep. How did you women find it? Was that the easy bit? the looking after baby? was it the rest that was hard or vica versa?
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Post by AnoniMouose on Sept 1, 2014 14:26:24 GMT
actually re-reading my post the hardest thing for me is the lack of communication from my wife, she's very closed, very quiet, I have to prompt her for everything and I don't have a crystal ball and cant mind read! Hmmm. Maybe I should be glad shes picked up quite a lot of the tasks the babies demand/need and worry about our communication later.
I also set myself a mental review date of about 6 months from their birthday. It takes us to not long before Xmas. A day to reflect on where we've got to as so many of you have said it was about 6 months before the cloud began to lift. Good idea?
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Post by sarajay28 on Sept 1, 2014 14:44:50 GMT
For me it was weird, the less sleep I had the better I coped?! Sometimes the looking after baby is easier than having to deal with the relentless, monotonous everyday tasks. I'm sure it's different for everyone though and I suggest you play it by ear so to speak. You are doing really well and although you are finding the lack of communication difficult you are coping so well. Having a little review can only be a good thing, it will either let you see if progress is being Made or if not help you think about what steps to take next. Keep talking though, you really are doing great x
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Post by Weeble on Sept 1, 2014 16:18:38 GMT
Hi for me coping was the first green shoots in my recovery. Just keep.communicating with her I was.quite quiet too.
:-) K
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by AnoniMouse on Sept 2, 2014 7:15:52 GMT
We're at the stage of wanting them to sleep through the night and over the weekend agreed to go back to 4 hour feeds as on 3 hour feeds they weren't eating much, the idea being to fill them up during the day, then short feed at bath time, dream feed at 11.30 and then encourage them to sleep longer. This was agreed and done on Sunday. Then when I got home I saw that her and her mum had returned to feeds of 3 hours and surprise surprise they hadn't eaten much. No chance the nanny could push them to sleep through. This plan was agreed, and encouraged by/with our night nanny who proposed it having looked after many twins previously. She is a god saver. Anyway ... my point being the change in plan. Its almost like my wife doesn't want them to sleep through. We agreed we could only afford the night nanny till end of Sept. So we need the girls sleeping through by month end... I cant imagine trying to feed them both through the night again, it nearly ruined us at the start. My wife seems to have lost the ability to work some things out, somethings that are apparently very logical. Is this usual? In the back of my mind I wonder if she is scared of loosing the support of the nanny? She even said the words, 'take out a loan' regarding the nanny... we cant afford a nanny and I don't want to be saddled with that kind of debt.
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Post by juppster on Sept 4, 2014 8:03:32 GMT
I would say her behaviour is very typical..it sounds as though she's grown to rely on the night nanny and is clinging on to her as it takes a little bit of responsibility off of her shoulders. Can you start to gradually reduce her hours rather than stop completely at the end of September?
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Post by AnoniMouse on Sept 8, 2014 8:17:28 GMT
Well after the last 24 hours I think my marriage surviving is a long shot. The argument started as she went ahead and began agreeing christening things without talking to me. It then developed into WW3 when I got home and the stability fell apart when she said I'd deserted her and the twins the weekend I took her to hospital. This is a big issue for her. I then said that I felt she'd deserted me and the twins for two weeks going to hospital, its how it felt, honestly, I was left to organise everything solo, I felt she let us down. This reply is a line of defence, something I said to get her to understand that I'm hurting too, shes not the only one struggling here. I know I should have just said nothing. Heat of the moment. Aint hindsight great. Let me explain some of the background as this happened some time back, some time ago when her second attack after the birth arrived.. an event she saw coming, her dark cloud coming, she asked me to take her to a private hospital, it was a weekend I had promised to fly to see my 10 year old eldest daughter. I'd already let my eldest down and not been able to make the trip when the twins were born, I'd promised her I wouldn't do it again. The day we admitted my wife to hospital she continued to say I must go and see my daughter, she repeated this many times. The twins were to be with my wife's mum and a cousin and we had the night nanny each night. So I made a choice to go and see my eldest. The hospital was private, she was in very safe and expensive hands. She continued to tell me to go. So I did. I dashed to the airport and just made the flight. Both her mum and cousin didn't, and don't, understand. It freaks me out that her mum continues to say how much she loves my wife, her daughter. Of course she does, but then when I say I also love my eldest daughter, its the same and I don't want to let her down she continues to say I deserted her daughter. Doesn't she get that its the same love? So I am crucified when I made sure everybody was in safe hands AND my wife told me to go. Even at the time I said to a friend, its like somebody holding a gun to my head and saying they'll either pull the trigger or I have to drink the lethal poison in the glass - lose / lose. So I made the choice under pressure with apparent support from my wife and now I am nailed to the cross for it. I have a 8 bottle collection of American bourbons, I had three shots last night, I wasn't drunk and I am not a drinker, after the argument my wife poured this 800 quid collection down the sink. She did it to hurt me. It was her anger. I slept on the couch. Both the nanny and her mum sided with my wife. I am screwed, royally screwed.
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Post by AnnoniMouse on Sept 8, 2014 8:24:36 GMT
and re-reading my post above, let me add.. I don't actually believe she let us down, that she deserted us, that's how it felt but I know rationally that it was her illness. It was just how it felt emotionally. It was a cheap shot to defend myself from the accusation that I deserted them for two days. I can be rational about it now. Very clearly shes a long way from rationality at the moment. And I feel she's being spurned on by friends/family supporting the notion I deserted them. Like another gun or poison moment. Churchill: it you find you've walked into hell, keep walking
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Post by sarajay28 on Sept 8, 2014 12:21:30 GMT
The thing with this illness is that people want someone or something to blame! There is no rhyme or reason to pni and people find this very hard to accept. It's wrong of your wife's mother and indeed the nanny to take her side as you both need support. It's very tough for you and understandably you want to defend yourself but I'd suggest doing what you are doing...unload your feelings here where you can see them and this will help you to take a step back from the personal side of it all. You both need support, obviously your wife's mum is worried, upset etc and to see your child suffering in any way means you find it hard to think rationally too. I'm sure she values your support, probably more than you'll ever know but her main concern is her daughter. Maybe you could point out to the nanny that it's not part of her job to be taking sides?! I'm sorry your wife poured away your drink, I've done similar to my husband in years gone by, purely to hurt him. He got over it I still regret it!
You really are doing great, look after yourself xx
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Post by AnoniMouse on Sept 8, 2014 14:14:22 GMT
Yep sarajay, being able to moan about it here is helpful, men aren't very good at that whole caring and sharing thing with fellow men. thanks for giving us a little place to do this, maybe other men will read this and it might help them see what it was like and take learning from it.
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Post by Weeble on Sept 8, 2014 16:47:13 GMT
:-)
Sent from my C6903 using proboards
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Post by monica on Sept 8, 2014 20:54:06 GMT
Poor u u r having a rough ride. I just want to reassure you that even though life is tough and can feel bleak when ur wife behaves irrationally it's this illness. It can take a while for things to improve consistently and unfortunately you are taking the brunt of her anger even though ur not the cause . Perhaps talk to ur mil? Maybe am explanation might help her understand . So agree with the girls - keep talking and look after urselfx
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Post by AnoniMouse on Sept 9, 2014 12:02:38 GMT
Today my mum contacted me and we chatted, apparently my wife texted my mum on Sunday asking for money. My mum is retired and has no money to dip into. WTF. This illness is truly awful. She didn't even ask me about it. I'm giving up the will to live.
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