Finally Admitted to myself and family

[chris90]

I don't really know where to start, only a few days ago I felt like I couldn't say anything to anyone because that would make me a failure as a mother..right? And a failure to my beautiful daughter....but only a couple of days ago my parents had my daughter over night for the first time (she is just over two years old now), when they brought her back my other half was out and my parents said right we're off now, might come back later this evening if you want. I immediately thought in my head 'oh no, I thought you were going to stay till he was back, what am I supposed to do with her on my own' so I got a bit aggressive and told them I thought they would be staying a while, which they agreed to do even though they had stuff to do, which I knew but I couldn't think of that.

Moments later, dad took the dog for a little walk, mum turned to me asking what was wrong, I shrugged it off, again she said I know somethings wrong, what is it. I just burst...burst into tears and hugged her, I said I feel like I just can't bond with her anymore and blabbed about how I was feeling. Mum was so supportive it just made me feel worse in a way. Later that day I told my other half and he was surprising supportive, I thought he would just tell me I was being stupid and postnatal depression etc doesn't exist but he was ok, his first reaction was 'you do love her thought don't you' and I can't express how much I do love her. I don't understand how I can feel so distant from her when I do love her so much, I would do anything for her.

I've been feeling this way of how do I interact with her for at least 6 months now, I just can't seem to appreciate my time with her, it always seems like a chore to have to do anything with her and I don't understand why. What's odd is when she was first born I never felt like this, after reading bits on postnatal depression this seems a bit odd, I can't explain it, like I said she's just over two now and I think I've only been feeling this for about the last 6-9 months maybe. I don't know what changed. I do work full time, I went back to work after she was 8 months but I used to be so excited to come home from work to see her then something changed and some nights I would work later just so I would have to be home for less hours before her bed time. I feel like such a horrible person for saying that but I don't know how to get past it.

I know I've been yabbering on but one last thing, my breaking point, my other half said he was going on some car camping trip for the weekend at the end of the month with a load of 'car lads' and I'm sure most women's first thought would be oh no alcohol, gorgeous models, he might cheat on me but no my first thought was Nooooo a whole weekend with my baby how am I going to cope, I can't tell him not to go because then I will have to explain myself. I think that thought has been building up so much that I couldn't help but break down when mum asked what was wrong. In a way I'm happy he's going away cos now I have a bit of support but I still feel the same and I don't know how to get past it. I don't want to go on anti depressants, a few of my friends have had them for other reasons and said they really messed them up. I've been welling up and shedding a few tears just writing this, I don't know if I could talk to someone face to face without creating a puddle in front of them. Any help or supportive words would be much appreciated, I don't know how much more of 'it will be better when she's a bit older' I can tell myself.

If you've read to the end of this essay, thank you so much.

[frogface]

Just wanted to sympathise and empathise and say well done for telling your family. It's one of the biggest steps to recovery to tell people how you're feeling. Even if you do make a puddle!! No one will melt. Babies are hard, but they're even harder when they get on their feet.

Can you go to the gP and ask for help? If you'd wel like you can't speak, print out this post and take it with you. Explain why you don't want to take pills. I refused them point blank for 6 months, fought them for another 6, but really they saved my life when I finally took them.

This is a horrible way to feel, don't try and do it alone. You're a good mum. You don't want to feel this way. Try and be kind to yourself. Remind yourself how much you love her. And tell your partner how scared you are of him going away. Just talk it through. He doesn't have to stay, but maybe he has some suggestions for you. Good luck.

[monica]

Hello and welcome

I'm sorry you're struggling but well done on taking that all important step and admitting to others there is something wrong. That takes real courage and is hard to do.

Many women feel the way u do . Motherhood is supposed to be this wonderful serene experoence but the reality can be different. Perhaps on some subconscious level it's stifling and overwhelming. The loss of independence can be hard too. All these things don't make u a bad mum though. It's probably more a question of finding a balance that is right for you.

Do go and see Dr or hv. You don't have to go on meds. I wouldn't discount it. I took antids out of desperation and they turned my life around . I can tell u a bit more abouty experience of them if that helps. Counselling can be really effective too. It might help u pin point what triggered these feelings and work out what u need to do to lift urself.

U mentioned it oh wants to go away and that's terrified u. Many times the fear of something can make a situation feel overwhelming. Maybe plan ahead so u can break up the day with doing things and just take each chunk of the day as it comes without dwelling on what might happen. I know that's easier said than done. I know you'll be absolutely fine but that unknown can build the sense of panic.

Do keep talking to us as we really understand x