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Post by psychmom on Oct 21, 2015 17:10:31 GMT
Hi everyone. This is my first time posting and in hoping to get some reassurance that things will improve! I have a beautiful nine month old daughter and a wonderful 4 yr old son. Since she was about six months I felt my anxiety kept increasing. I was the primary caregiver for her but was also running a psychology practice and seeing 5-7 clients a week. At the end of August, things came to a head and I just felt totally depleted and started having panic attacks. I've been able to cut back from the business now and that has helped but the anxiety continued. It's like I can't get this fear out of my head that I'll have panic attacks for the rest of my life and never be able to work again or look after my kids on my own. Even though as a psychologist I know this is really pretty irrational, I just can't stop thinking about it. At the beginning of October I finally started to admit that there probably was more than burnout going on and I started an antidepressant. It will be three weeks tomorrow and I feel like things are better (I can eat and sleep again, when in September I had lost 12 lbs), but I still can get caught in the anxiety. It basically rotates from "I'll never feel normal again." To "this isn't post partum anxiety, it's just all in your head and you're doing this to yourself." To "I'm going to go crazy and be completely debilitated." To "the meds won't help". If any of you have positive success stories to share, especially ones where medication was helpful, I'd love to hear them. Please no negative stories though!! Thank you!
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Post by monica on Oct 21, 2015 21:00:39 GMT
Hi
Hello and welcome! I'm sorry you're going through this terrible illness. I think no matter how qualified you are as a health care practitioner when you're in that dark place and struggling it is normal to feel the way you do that you'll be feeling this way forever, that what you're going through isn't pni it's something different and unique and you're the exception to the rule and will never recover. I felt exactly the same as you.
It's pisitive that the meds are starting to kick in and you're feeling better. I'm sure once the meds are probably in ur system you'll increasingly feel better.
Re anxiety these negative thought patterns can quite wuickly become ingrained and it's hard breaking the cycle, however you will / it won't be easy and it will take time but honestly have hope . Could you do any cbt ? That can be fantastic in combatting this spiral of anxiety /panic attacks.
I also found exercise hugely helpful especially something that gets your heart racing a bit. With pni it's quite normal to have blips when your mood drops -it can then feel as if ur back to square one. I found exercise used to really lifte out of these and even now I've been pni free for 9 years ( and went in to have another child) I find exercise lifts me.
Additionally is there any chance u can get a bit of 'me' time - distractions and something to perk you up can help hugely.
Do keep talking to us - the ladies really are so understanding in herex
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Post by psychmom on Oct 22, 2015 1:25:47 GMT
Thank you so much for responding Monica! If you can believe it, I'm actually a CBT therapist! I think that's where a lot of my frustration is coming from though bc I feel like I should know better or something. im really trying to be more self compassionate though. And I love exercise and yoga and really used those to keep me sane in the past but unfortunately I haven't had the opportunity to do so over the past few months. I'm hoping that when my daughter starts daycare early next month I'll be able to get back into exercising. I do find going for walks so helpful though and try to do that every day.
Is it strange to go back and forth with mood and anxiety throughout the day? I'll be so scared and upset one minute and then a little while later feel much more relaxed.
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Post by monica on Oct 22, 2015 4:29:11 GMT
Hi
Having multiple mood changes a day (yes even fifty or so) is very common with pni . As Youve described Youve might have a few mins of being ok then it's complete turnaround for the next hour when you feel low. It can be a real roller coaster ride and extremely draining. It does sound like you're doing all the right things by being kind to yourself . It's an illness which can strike indiscriminately - we've had drs, nurses, therapists in here struggling and as in your case feel as they have professional insight they shouldn't be struggling.
I have no doubt you'll recover - keep talking x
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Post by psychmom on Oct 22, 2015 12:44:42 GMT
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it helps to have these experiences normalized. I just find my brain constantly scanning for anxious feelings, thoughts, and behaviours. I guess we're just on high alert all the time after having a baby. I just wish I would stop seeing threat where there is none!
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Post by monica on Oct 22, 2015 15:48:28 GMT
Thurs exactly it. I had horrendous anxiety and my thoughts revolved around illness and dying. Someone explained this to me as the protective instinct going into overdrive and that seemed to make sense to me x
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Post by psychmom on Oct 23, 2015 12:21:39 GMT
Totally! I ended up actually having a good day yesterday. Went on a hike and out for lunch with friends and their babies. I could feel myself checking in all day about how I was feeling and being surprised that I felt fine. But now this morning has been a bit stressful and I'm back to worrying and also thinking that if only I could tolerate anxiety better, I wouldn't be causing myself these problems. But I have to let that go, right? Worry is just part of these hormones and I'm not thinking clearly or realistically, right? So scary to think that I'll be leveled by this. And honestly before I used to say that I loved treating panic attacks and panic disorder bc treatment is so simple and effective! Suddenly I'm so freaked out about them.
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Post by monica on Oct 23, 2015 17:29:52 GMT
You're being very hard on yourself ! This is an illness and it takes time to recover and for coping strategies to work. It's the same if you broke your leg , you wouldn't be able to recover overnight.
If you learn to 'let go' and ride out the down moments or blips it will help you hugely. Acceptance and understanding of pni is a huge leap and you will get there I promise. it all takes time which can be very frustrating admittedly .
When you hit a low and find yourself overthinking try to distract yourself so you don't dwell on the thoughts. Sometime just clapping or flicking an elastic band on your list can shock you into this-give it a go.
Monica
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Post by psychmom on Oct 23, 2015 19:33:54 GMT
Thank you so much! I hope I'm not being a pest, but it's so helpful to get your perspective. You're right, I am still demanding so much of myself. All day I've been questioning myself: is this really pni, am I doing this to myself, etc. it's so hard not to get down about it but I at least have had moments where I've been able to say to myself, "as true as that thought may seem, it really isn't" even though I couldn't think of any way it wasn't true. It's making me feel so crazy! I'm so scared to go out and do anything but then I go and I can act totally fine. Is that common? And I can't actually go crazy from this, right? Sorry for needing so much reassurance but this feels so scary when I'm worked up.
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Post by monica on Oct 23, 2015 20:35:05 GMT
Youre not bit being a pest at all! That's what we're here for - to reassure and suppirt others. I was exactly the same - I needed lots of reassurance and would constantly worry if I were going mad , did I really have pni , would I get better. This is normal . You will recover I promise x
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Post by psychmom on Oct 23, 2015 21:54:06 GMT
Thank you!!! It's so hard to believe it or to see the path. Even though I've seen inprovements. I just get so obsessive about it! Have you found that breastfeeding plays a role at all? I've been having lots of hormonal symptoms (hot flashes during the day, night sweats every night) that I figure signal something is up.
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Post by monica on Oct 25, 2015 7:42:34 GMT
Hi
It's interest you mentiioned the breast feeding. I don't think it made much difference to my pni hormonally other than adding to my tiredness. However on here some ladies feel it helps them - at times this can be psychologically too - and find that stopping has a negative impact on how they feel. Others find it is the other way around - they start to feel better when they stop.
Perhaps talk to your Dr about the flushes and night sweats ? How have you been over the past couple of days? X
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Post by psychmom on Oct 25, 2015 12:01:38 GMT
Thank you Monica. I definitely enjoy breastfeeding but do wonder if it's keeping my estrogen low. Back in 2013 I went through fertility treatments and the medication bottomed out my estrogen (they had never seen levels so low) and I felt similarly to how I've been feeling so I didn't know if that was part of things. And the last few days have actually been much better. I still get scared about leaving the house, even to do easy things (which is frustrating), but when I'm out things actually seem to be fine. I started driving myself crazy about that ("does this mean it's all in my head and I can control my panic? And if so, what if I lose control?"), but I've decided that I cannot think clearly right now and there's way more to the situation than I can figure out. So I'm trying to just enjoy when things feel okay, but not try to hang on to the feeling or figure it out. Haha, so hard to do when this is what I do for a living!
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Post by monica on Oct 26, 2015 5:35:41 GMT
Hi
The fear of doing something is often the main battle and frequently the reality is nowhere as bad as the apprehension beforehand. Pushing yourself a little to do things will help hugely - the fear will in time lessen as you push those boundaries. This is quite normal!
Thinking /overthinking is a big part of pni for many ladies. Try using distraction techniques if you feel you're starting that train of thought .
Also try to forget you're a therapist ! A doctor can't stop getting the flu even though he's a Dr! It's thevsame for you. You're an expert in your field but it doesn't mean you suffer any less than anyone else!
It's interesting what you wrote about the oestrogen levels and how you feel. Have you spoken to your Dr about this? I wonder what their opinion is. I'm sure there is often a hormonal link .
Monica
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Post by psychmom on Oct 26, 2015 8:11:19 GMT
Oh thank you. You're right. I do have to realize that these things can happen to me and that they are normal.i seem to be in the midst of a blip right now so it was so nice to get your response. I'm just feeling so anxious that I'll have panic forever and it will destroy me and I won't be able to take care of my kids. My husband has been working late or traveling the past week so I had the kids most of the time and it's probably just exhausted me but I'm suddenly so scared! And when the panic is there it seems to confirm my thoughts. I also had a really good day yesterday so now I'm so upset that I feel back to square one or worse (even though you warned me that would happen). Hopefully this passes soon!!
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