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Post by Cari on Jun 27, 2016 11:14:34 GMT
I don't even know where to begin so apologies for my ramblings...I'm struggling beyond belief and I just want it to stop. My son is 6 months old and my HV and GP diagnosed me with post natal depression a few months ago. They've put it down to having an extremely traumatic birth and start to his life, but he is thriving so well now and compared to some I honestly think he is an angel. I am just full of madness and anger. I get so unbelievably frustrated, I feel like I'm drowning or I just can't breathe. I used to think it was because of lack of sleep but he is sleeping much better now. My husband is very good, but even lately I just feel like there's a brick wall between us. He's a fantastic dad and does so much to help out and support me, yet I still feel like he doesn't understand. I am scared at how irrational my behavior is and it's like a switch. I feel like I become possessed and just want to scream and yell at my son and say terrible things to him because I feel like he's ruined my life. It's like it boils up inside me and then I errupt. I have wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember so having these thoughts and feelings only scares me more and then I feel so utterly guilty and useless that I feel like they'd all just be better off without me. I'm either crying my eyes out, screaming or wanting to punch something, or then putting on a brave face to my friends so they don't think I'm insane. Because that's how I actually feel. There are some days that I am absolutely fine too, hence why I don't want to think about any tablets because I'm fine and it's gone, but then it's back without warning and if it's not anger towards my son, it's myself or my husband, and now I'm just worried that this is what it's always going to be like. I just don't know what to do and I want it to stop. It's impossible to see the same GP unless you book weeks in advance and all they've said is just to put me on medication. I've been on antidepressants before, about 12 years ago for bereavements and they fogged my head up so much that I just didn't feel they helped but I'm stuck to know what else to do because I just don't want to be like this anymore.
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Post by Kirsty on Jun 27, 2016 17:44:45 GMT
Welcome to this forum and trust me when I say you are not alone. I'm sorry to hear you are suffering! I am too so I know how you feel! If I'm honest the medication is starting to kick in for me and making life a little more bearable so i would recommend it! If they made you foggy headed before they might have been the wrong ones or maybe you didn't try them for long enough?! Just a thought! I had major side effects from mine for a few weeks and I rode them out and thankfully they stopped. If you need to talk keep talking on here. The girls are fab and are my lifeline when I'm having a real hard time. I wish I could take it away from all women who feel like this! It's horrible!
Zxxxx
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Post by Cari on Jun 28, 2016 20:14:59 GMT
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really do appreciate it and just hearing that someone else, let alone all these women on here are going through something very much the same just instantly helps to know I'm not alone, and even more so that what I am experiencing is actually normal, something I certainly haven't felt like it is.
It's reassuring to hear that your tablets have started to kick in and working for you, I hope it continues so you have something to help you work through it and get to the other side! I have read that it can make a huge difference for some so I guess it might be worth trying and seeing maybe if I could get something different to before. Do you mind me asking in what way do you feel like they have helped? I know it may be difficult to say and everyone has different experiences with PND but for me it's the manic moments that seem to almost come out of nowhere, erupting and then not being able to calm down until I've screamed, shouted or punched a pillow and then cried my eyes out, it's those feelings of anger that makes me think I don't know how medication can take that away if that makes sense?
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Post by monica on Jun 28, 2016 22:12:33 GMT
Welcome!
I'm so sorry you're experiencing PNI - it's a cruel illness full version f ups and downs. It's normal to have moments when you feel ok (I used to feel like a fraud when I had these), then others when I felt I couldn't function.
Has your dr referred you for any talking therapies? Do you feel you have come to terms with the traumatic birth. It's great to hear your baby is thriving but a tough birth can be a trigger for pni . There are various types of talking therapies and this can help a lot. I completely understand your reticence to take meds having had a bad experience but I completely agree with Kirsty, there are many types out there - maybe see how you get on without them and try alternative things to help yourself first. Maybe talk this thru with ur hv or dr.
I would highly recommend exercise. Firstly this boosts endorphins / the feel good chemicals and secondly it can help burn off the frustration and anger you're feeling .
Also make time for yourself. Being a mum is 24/7 job - a little bit of me time will go along way x
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Post by Kirsty on Jun 29, 2016 9:23:56 GMT
Hello and that's exactly it, knowing your not alone can be so so reassuring. I know it helped me. When I'm
Low I think I'm the exception and that I'll never get better. I'm literally trying everything. I'm on fluoxetine and FLUPENTIXOL! They have started to make me feel better ins terms of taking my anxiety down to a bearable level and made my mood improve helpin get through each day. As Monica said there are many types of medication that can help and finding the right one for you can be externally frustrating but once you do they can be your life saver. I have always been so anti medication (antidepressants) before as I always wanted to believe I was strong enough to deal with anything life threw at me on my own and that they are for weak people. I couldn't of been more wrong. There is nothing shameful about using them and if it wasn't for them I dread to think where I would be now. Talking therapies are also good and I'm currently in CBT and seeing a seperate counsellor regarding past issues to help me understand what my trigger for this was and what they are so I know and can deal with anything again in the future. Maybe seeing someone and talking about the traumatic birth may help?! The fact that you have noticed this isn't right for you and you need help is the first step towards recovery.
I'm the worlds worst at believing all this when im having a blip so I understand if my words don't mean anything to you right now. I'm good at advising others and talking to people but not quite so good at believing it myself when I'm low.
Monica is completely right about excersise and time for yourself (both I'm bad at) but when I do it makes me feel better.
Keep talking we all understand xx
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Post by Cari on Jun 29, 2016 20:29:37 GMT
Thank you for your replies and for your advice. It's amazing the difference I feel to have just said what I've been going through and get it out and especially hearing other people's stories. I will certainly look into asking about the different talking therapies, I think that's something that would help me to process everything. My son was early and I don't think I've had chance to get my head round it. I know there's a lot I haven't dealt with or come to terms with about the birth too, so I think all of that has been a huge trigger for me, however as you say, sometimes it doesn't have to be anything in particular and this is just how you feel and what you're experiencing, it's just a matter of learning ways to work through it and I think that's what I need, some tools to help me in those moments to get back to recognising myself again. I'll make an appt with my GP again, they didn't offer me any form of counseling on both occasions I've been but I'll ask what's available, and yes I think exercise definitely would be good, I just need to find some time for me to do it!
Thanks so much again and I do hope you keep continuing to feel better too xx
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Post by Kirsty on Jun 29, 2016 21:38:01 GMT
Finding time is hard I know but so important for you to get it Hun! You need a break just like anyone else. My husband and I left our little one for the first time tonight to go and have a meal and it was so nice to feel like a married couple again for a couple of hours but was nice to want to go home to our little one too. I need to get better at finding time for myself on my own but small steps at a time. Just try when you can Hun and have the break you deserve. Easier said than done I know.
Iv also got a contact for someone if your interested?? who really helped me she is amazing!
Xxx
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Post by Cari on Jul 1, 2016 7:51:45 GMT
That's lovely, I'm so glad you managed to get out, and yes small steps, one thing at a time. You're absolutely right it is so important to put yourself first every now and then to recharge your batteries. We have left him once too for a few hours and I know it did me the world of good, I think it's making the time as you have to plan everything now and before you know it time runs away with you. It feels like it with everything, i never feel prepared for the next stage as it comes round so quickly, I just want a giant pause button to gather myself and understand what's happened so I can be ready & do the best I can for him. I have wanted to be a mum ever since I can remember so it's such a shock to feel this way and think these things at times.
Yes if you do have a contact then that would be amazing hon, thank you so much. It's always good to go with recommendations xxx
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Post by Kirsty on Jul 1, 2016 23:09:31 GMT
Yeah I understand what you mean Hun. I feel like that sometimes and just want the world to stop for a while so I can get myself together and get over this. Our daughter was totally planned and we tried for her for 18 months and I was devastated to not feel that "rush of love" you are "meant" to feel when they are born and then to feel like this now it's heartbreaking so I know what you mean. The way I think about it is that your baby is still a stranger to begin with who you are getting to know and it takes time to fall in love so your love will grow as time goes on and your relationship grows too. It's helped me to remember this at times.
I'll private message you her details. Xxx
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Post by Kirsty on Jul 1, 2016 23:14:33 GMT
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Post by Cari on Jul 6, 2016 8:06:00 GMT
Thank you so much for passing on that contact information, I really do appreciate it. Just reading her story made me feel so much better as I could relate to so much of it. Especially feelings of being so scared of the thoughts and feelings I was getting and that I would never be the same again, even possibly having to be admitted, I truly have felt like I've had a personality change at times. This last week I have been more proactive to help myself and I do feel like I'm starting to see the wood through the trees. I think a lot of it is learning to be kind to ourselves and accepting this condition, allowing the motions to process it all and giving it time. As you say too, it is like getting to know someone, and that love grows as your relationship does. It's so reassuring to read that she came through the other side and it doesn't last forever or change you, or more importantly affect our children (that is something that terrified me that it would have such a negative impact on him.) It has already really helped just talking on here, sharing stories and knowing it is very normal to experience these feelings, so thank you for your support it means so much xxx
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Post by Kirsty on Jul 6, 2016 8:26:36 GMT
I'm glad it has helped you, I related to her story in so many ways and that's why I contacted her. Speaking to her on the phone was a huge relief and she is so lovely. I also just read this story which I thought was a good one too themighty.com/2016/06/when-you-are-a-mom-ashamed-of-postpartum-depression-and-anxiety/So glad you are started to feel a bit better. Remember blips happen and they are hard but are a sign of recovery (Monica tells me this and it helps and she is right) Keep talking Hun we are here x |
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Post by monica on Jul 7, 2016 7:34:32 GMT
Hi
Well done on the proactivitity and so pleased you feel better. I think you've hit the nail on the head when you say you have to be kind to yourself. Acceptance of PNI is also half the battle . PNI is a very confusing time - my personality changed also in a v short space of time from being an outgoing bubbly person to a nervous deeply unhappy wreck. This can be the nature of the illness . Small steps forward - you'll get there X
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Post by Kirsty on Jul 27, 2016 11:15:20 GMT
How are you? X
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Post by Cari on Aug 26, 2016 15:27:42 GMT
Hi, I'm sorry for not replying sooner for some reason I didn't get a notification, but thank you so much for asking and for thinking of me. I felt like I was doing a lot better but the last week i seemed to have fallen to my knees again. I feel so alone and have no idea how to make this any better. My son is the most amazing happy little soul and I feel like I am just ruining him. He doesn't do anything wrong and I am causing him this upset with how I am reacting and it is breaking me now. It scares me how I am at times, I don't recognise myself and anyone looking in would think something is seriously wrong with me if they ever saw me at those times. My husband just keeps saying its normal to feel frustrated but this isn't normal and this isn't just feeling frustrated. I tried contacting Liz but I didn't hear anything back from her unfortunately. I went back to my GP again and they referred me to a counsellor. I've waited a month and finally saw them on Wednesday and it was basically just form filling in and answering questions on a scale of 1-10. It's difficult to answer them when you're not in that bleak moment but all he offered me was a group CBT workshop and the thought of it just makes me not want to go. I feel so so worried that this is going to keep continuing and he will get older and become more aware and it will all have such a detrimental affect on him. Ultimately I can't bear to feel like it anymore  |
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