Redundancy from work - when do I tell my wife

[Dad-work-redundancy]

Hi everyone





My wife is suffering from post natal depression, she is on medication, no longer receiving an income at the end of her maternity leave and will not be going back to work straight away as she has been signed off work relating to this illness.





She has been struggling with how she feels and also suffering from anxiety attacks. My wage is needed to cover the bills including mortgage etc..





I have just been told by my employer, my job is being made redundant and I will be out of work with my last day in October. I was told on Monday this week. On Tuesday I went to an interview for a new role and have been told I am currently the top candidate, but they need to interview the other applicants and the final decision will be made in September.





I think it is highly likely that I will be able to secure a new job before I am made redundant but there is a risk I cannot.





I am worried about telling my wife that my job is being made redundant as I do not want her to have an anxiety attack or make her post natal depression worse as she is just starting to get better. At the same time I don't have any secrets from my wife and will feel bad if I do not share such important information. I don't want there to be any questions of trust or problems in our relationship.





On a personal level, I do find it difficult trying to help my wife through this, I do need to spend time doing my existing job and trying to find a new one. Whilst I believe I have the mental and emotional strength to support my wife, get a new role and for us to get through this. I do find it difficult to keep my own emotions under control with this redundancy situation and whilst I am 90% sure in myself that I can hold myself together and continue to support my wife... what if the stress get's to me and I am less supportive and my wife doesn't know why? or if she finds out because of something I say, or she sees some paperwork etc..





Personally, I think the right thing is to spend today, to get finances in order, with the aim of being able to simply explain to my wife the situation, what I am doing about it, and giving her confidence that we won't lose our home, can continue to pay for nursery 2 days a week, can pay for food and baby clothes etc.. through to February next year and by then I will definitely have a new job. I haven't worked through the finances yet... so I don't know we could last that long... but I think it will be difficult to get a job in November, December, January. So I either need to get a new job before I am made redundant or have finances last until next year. Last but not least my employer is only paying statutory redundancy, which is only working out to just over half of one months pay!





Sorry about this sounding a lot like it is about me, but it is not... I am just letting you know the full picture, to be able to give me your perspective, if you were in my wife's position.





My question to you as mothers who have been through this or getting through this, is what should I do?


1) should I tell my wife straight away?


2) should I tell my wife in a months time when I know if I have the new job or not, and hope she doesn't find out before then?


3) if I got the new job, should I not tell her about the redundancy until a few years time and she is through this?





My wife and baby are most important to me, I want my wife to get better, I would be devastated if sharing this bad news about my job with her made her worse and if we couldn't cope as a family and it also impacted our baby's development. I truly do not know how this news may affect my wife and her recovery.





Thank you for your time reading this and your thoughts...

[monica]

Hello and welcome

I'm sorry you and your wife are going through pni - it's a cruel illness for the sufferer of course but also for the immediate family. You sound very supportive - not all men are - and she is lucky to have such an understanding husband.

Clearly the redundancy has brought with it lots of stress and uncertainty for you. As to your questions, it's hard to say not knowing your wife - everyone is different, however, this is my answer if I were in her shoes. Maybe it's worth talking to a close family member or friend, often female as we see things differently! for advice as well.

1. Should you tell your wife straight away?

I had horrendous anxiety with pni - even when I was recovering every stressful event would trigger a blip (a down period). Being told would not have helped me and probably not knowing would have been better for me at that given time. Is there any likelihood she may find out? Is she likely to feel betrayed if she finds out abot the redundancy even with your explanation that you didn't want to give her more stress?

How are you going to manage not telling her. If I were in your shoes, and this may sound v selfish, I'm not sure I would not be able to keep potential redundancy to myself.

2. should I tell my wife in a months time when I know if I have the new job or not, and hope she doesn't find out before then?

Yes I would tell her in a month's time as hoepfully by then she'll be in a stronger place and realistically how are you going to be able to start a new role and not tell her? If you don't get the job you're hoping for, you're going to have to tell her anyway. Keeping everything crossed that the job's yours, though! Linked to no 3 I would tell her sooner rather than later. Dont' leave it for years. Even if your intentions are good, redundancy is a huge life event and finding out about it in several years time would make me question the trust. As I say men think more logically and women more emotionally.

Unfortnately I can't tell you how your wife may react to the news now on in the future. If the outcome is good jobwise, she may well brush it off - or she may find that it triggers a blip. If she has a blip (these are actually part of the recovery process for many women - bit like a rollercoaster ride), reassuring her that things will get better, helping her do nice things for herself and beleive it or not exercising can help her hugely come out of her blip. If things get significantly worse or after some time she is not getting better, it's worth seeing the dr).


How is your wife recovering? Do you know what triggered the pni. Often it's simply hormonal; at other times it can be the life changes a baby brings or can be difficult birth, difficult life events, past abuse etc. For me it was exhaustion trying to be the perfect mum, partner etc - I just ran myself into the ground being something I couldn't.

Recovery is possible of course - I like so many other mums are testament to that - it can be a difficult and frustratingly slow process. Also it's important you look after yourself as the stress of the illness alone can get you down. Allocate yourself a little time to do something you enjoy that gives you a bit of a breather.

Do keep talking.

Monica

[Dad-work-redundancy]

Thank you Monica, we believe the cause to be hormonal. My wife is on medication from the doctor, and I think she is doing great, but sometimes she really struggles and feels like she cannot cope. Thank you very much for sharing your thoughts and kind words.

[monica]

Hi

Having ups and downs is a normal part of the recovery process . Saying that the dips can be very tough especially at the start when it can feel as if you're back to square one . Feel free to guide your wife here if this type of support would help her.

Monica

[brach24]

I don't suppose to be an expert but will give my opinion as someone who had postnatal anxiety disorder (thinking it's now past tense!) - my security was based a lot on my relationship with my husband - not our finances or our circumstances but in him and "us" and how we would get through anything together. For me the possible break in trust or secrecy - if I'd found out -would have been terrifying. But that's maybe just me. All the best to you both whatever you decide xx

[Kirsty]

Hello, I have just read your thread and I just want to say if I was your wife I would want to know. I suffer with anxiety and am going through postnatal depression too and I have just found out that my husband has a gambling addiction and we are in debt up to our eyeballs! As hard as it was to hear it im glad I know because I have been able to
Sort it out! This is just my opinion you know your wife better than anyone! I hope you are ok as its a lot for you to deal with too! How are you and your wife doing? X