Becky's Diary

[bambi1991]

I've decided to do this to help release this built up feeling.

Today I am feeling like I am about to spiral out of control. Its so easy when I'm on a high to feel like I can win. I feel like I can take on the world. This feeling eventually chipped away after a video chat with my mum this evening. I'm slowly confronting my demons but not out of choice. The questions and talking about what I'm going through hit me. I could feel the tears build up in my eyes when we spoke about how I'm close to breaking down.
Hearing those words ''Its okay, I am here to support you'' are such a relief even if I have been pretending that I am ''fine''

I'm not.

I can't explain in exact words but I feel as though I am losing my mind. There's just this ''I don't feel right'' hanging over my head. The pain of stress and the anxiety in my chest is becoming unbearable. I want too rip my heart out. I want to feel light. Its as if someone has their fist on the left side of my chest, pushing me down.

It hasn't been until I had my little girl that I have realised I can't get away with being the person I am. I can't ignore or hide those feelings.

What makes me feel like utter crap is not sticking up for my own daughter. I feel like I need to watch people hold her in the wrong way and not say anything in case I insult them or more frustrating is allowing my mother in law to smoke then hold her. I just want to ask her not to smoke when we visit but she makes me feel like I am being stupid. Yes I may be OTT when it comes to my daughter but that's the point- she is MY daughter. I have written a previous post (the only other post by me) about my mother in law which explains a bit more what I am going through with her.

People take advantage of me, always have done. I am a complete push over. But since having my daughter and the added feelings its made this fact even worse.

I just looked away from the laptop for 20 minutes. I sat on the bed and watched my baby sleep. She is so perfect and precious. I feel like I am letting her down. It breaks my heart that I am such a weak person. I want her to be proud of me. I want her to always know how much I love her. I want to be well and not like this for her but it is so difficult.

I hate myself.

I feel alone. So alone.

[monica]

Hi

I hope you don't mind me posting in your diary. It's a great place to offload.

Reading your story, really resonates with me and I'm sure many other ladies. Having a baby can be that trigger and feelings and thoughts which were bubbling under the surface suddenly spill over and become uncontrollable, like the low confidence, low self esteem.

But don't give up. There are many things you can do to boost yourself. Clearly you're a intelligent, thoughtful and kind lady with lots to offer and you need to turn your thinking around and focus on the good points and work on the areas, which aren't negatives in their own right, that will help you feel better about yourself . You sound very much like me personality wise - I have always tended to do things which avoid confrontation preferring a quieter life.

Re PNI have you spoken to your dr or health visitor about this. Perhaps counselling can help you unravel how you feel atm and also help you work out where the low confidence stems from and help you build it up. It really would be worth talking to them . This is a common illness they will have heard it all before and can help.

Your mil sounds like an overbearing bully who has no respect for anyone. Clearly she has spent all her life behaving this way and has mastered the technique! If she doesn't get her way she'll try to make you feel bad ...just so she can get her way in the end. How does your husband feel about his mother? Perhaps you both can come up with a plan so if she doesn't follow your rules with your child she won't see her. It's hard to implement and find the strength to stand up to someone but you're already taking small steps in that direction which is brilliant! Take a moment to congratulate yourselfx

[bambi1991]

So much has happened over the past few days.

I went to the GP Friday morning thinking it was time to seek help. I explained what was happening and three times she asked me ''do you want to kill your daughter?'' That question destroyed me.
I tried to explain that on one occasion I zoned out for 5 minutes to which she replied ''so you couldn't be bothered wit her'' That's not what I was saying!
She instantly said she was going to refer me to the mental health team and gave me anti depressants. No explanation of what was going to happen and no explanation about the tablets.

It was dreadful. I left feeling worse. I left feeling as though there is no way I can ask anyone for help after this.

My health visitor came round that day and I broke down. I explained what had happened and told her about my paranoid thoughts and my insecurities about being a mum.
I had to fill out a questionnaire- the results said I had severe anxiety and depression.
She also said that I have acute psychosis. She decided to ring the mental health team in front of me so that I knew what was being said. I appreciated this massively.

So tomorrow I have a doctor coming round at 2pm who is going to access me. My anxiety tonight has hit the roof. All day today I have had constant chest pains. While typing this I can feel my arms going numb and becoming very hot and flustered. Even though this is happening I feel that maybe by typing this all down it will release some stress and worry. I need to carry on for this feeling to pass. Its almost like I need to go through the stages for it to get better instead of keeping it in for it to escalate. Does that make sense?

I know people may not read this but I would really appreciate those who have had an assessment to let me know what happened and what help you received.
I am SO worried about being sectioned- this may sound silly!

All I wanted was to be referred to talking therapies.

I am terrified.

[monica]

hi

Having all this intervention is bound to feel hugely scary especially as it's all the unknown. Do remember that all these people want you to feel better so they can pool resources to do that. Really well done on going to Drs even though a bit more sympathy, understanding and explanation would have been useful and not added to your anxiety. You won't be sectioned- from what you've said you wouldn't fall into that category. You have to be st serious risk of harming yourself or others and that's not the case. You do need support to help you through this difficult time. Will anybody be with you tomorrow? Ask questions about medication, side effects, what help you'll be offered so you know as much as possible . Perhaps write down some questions.

Good luck for tomorrow. Think isotope thoughts - this will be the beginning of your recovery. Do let us know how you get on X

[frogface]

You've taken a big huge step. This is one of the scariest things to do but could be a major turning point. Writing down your fears and questions and also the things your GP said and why they upset you is really worth doing in advance in case you can't talk freely. Best of luck.

[frogface]

Two other things: the health visitor is not qualified to give you a diagnosis of pychosis (and online you are very coherent so I'd take that with a punch of salt).
Secondly if they were going to section you they would have done it by now - they will only do that if you or your baby are at immediate risk and it's very rare. I was terrified of this too and they threatened me with it to make sure I complied with treatment. Ultimately if you have a partner who is in good health and take over when needed that alswe works in your favour. Try not to worry, you have done a brace thing and the right thing.

[monica]

How did today's appt go? X

[bambi1991]

Sorry I have taken ages to reply. I have had a really bad couple of days. Feels like its never ending.

So the doctor came round on Monday- it was absolutely fine. The whole assessment was really chilled. She explained that due to the amount stress I'm under and feeling exhausted its very normal for me to be having ''odd thoughts'' We left it under the agreement that I'm going to go for CBT and then counselling. After her visit I slept for 4 hours straight, I was in a total deep sleep, which hasn't happened in a long time.

I had a few up days since then but now I feel like I'm tumbling down. Having the usual issues with my mother in law. She came round yesterday. She was telling me about how herself and her daughter were watching Coldfeet and that one of the characters Rachel reminded her of me. Apparently Rachel doesn't let people near her new born baby. I didn't really know how to respond so I said ''I'm not that bad'' She replied ''I'm only joking''
Its like she wants to have a dig but then cover it up by saying ''I'm only joking'' I don't find it funny at all!

*I wrote the above last night*
Had to have a break, I had the most awful anxiety attack. Lasted two hours. Usually I can listen to relaxing music and it will pass but I was convincing myself that I was going to drop dead. I felt like I was going to pass out, it was like I didn't have control of my body. I've been feeling physically sick passed two days now as well. My anxiety is getting out of control.

[monica]

Sorry about the late reply. How are you? The panic attacks sounded horrible - have there been any more?

I just wanted to reassure you that being on a roller coaster ride in terms of feelings and emotions is normal with PNI . Indeed it's part of the recovery process although being up and down is hard.

How are things with the mother in law? Can you minimise the time you spend with her?x