Severe postnatal depression still affects me now, my story.

[BrokenHeart]

I hope I can get some support here. My mental health team are useless, I have recently had counselling but even though I clearly stated my reason for asking for counselling it was never really addressed.

My story is this

I'm 38, I've suffered with mental health problems since I was 17. The help I've received over the years has been pretty useless, sometimes even scarily useless.

I have a four year old son, I had severe postnatal depression. It affects me massively every single day, every minute of every day. The pain I carry around with me is relentless. It never goes, it's there 24/7.

I did everything the right way. Before we even started trying for a baby, my partner and I sought advice and support from my consultant and was refered to MIMHS (mother and infant mental health team) my medication was lowered to the safest possible doses, all the support was put in place should I fall pregnant. About eight months later I discovered I was indeed pregnant. . 17hour labour and my tiny baby boy arrived. I hadn't slept for a few days already so I was exhausted beyond words. And that was it. I was gone. Completely gone. I had this beautiful little baby, yes I felt protective of him, very much so, but I didn't feel that overwhelming bond. I only felt overwhelmed.



I was plunged into a twilight world, the most terrifying place that looked almost the same but it wasn't. It was hell. That exhaustion never ever left me. I did all the right things, I cared for my son day and night, I did everything for him. He was a very unsettled baby, he suffered badly with colic, never feeding well, so never sleeping well. My partner didn't help me, he would disagree, but he is wrong. Another thing that to this day I carry around not knowing what to do with it. I have a lot of resentment towards him. Ok maybe he didn't realise I was so ill. I didn't even realise. I was far too scared to let anyone know how I felt. I was terrified they would take my baby away. The health visitor, the MIMHs consultant, the psychiatric nurses who would visit didn't know. No one knew. I have no words to describe how I felt, even now I have no words. I have suffered terrible depression over the years, but this was nothing like that, this was a million billion times worse, was very different. I carried on, doing everything, never asking for help.

This went on until he was six months old, when I couldn't do it anymore and told them a tiny fraction of how I felt and was sent to a mother and baby mental health unit. I was there for three month, had every drug going nothing worked, eventually it had ECT which saved my life and got me on the long road to recovery.



It has been a long slow difficult journey but my son is now four and I'm ok. Except not ok because I'm carrying around all this and I have no where to put it. Everytime I see a baby photo of my son I have to choke back the tears. I feel like I'm grieving, I don't remember a lot of the first year of his life. I don't remember the first time I saw him, the first time he smiled, the first time he spoke. I couldn't enjoy him. I would give anything to go back in time, I long so desperately to have that time again. I know I have him now, my precious beautiful boy, but I have this terrible aching pain I carry every second of every day. And it hasn't got any easier, time hasn't healed anything at all. I feeling guilty, I feel bitter that i couldn't enjoy that precious time. I feel such sadness I can't even begin to describe, I feel angry, I feel such overwhelming loss.



I'm carrying this with me every second of my life, I just need some help in finding some kind of peace. I don't know where to look anymore?

I'm sorry this was a long post, I have never spoken of it before, I just need some help

[frogface]

I have been through the "grieving" of the first couple of years of my daughter's life. I remember very little. I also felt like I'd lost the whole pregnancy and childbirth as it has been buried away. I have done a lot of counselling - even now and my girl is five - and it has helped tremendously with processing these feelings and also piecing together lost memories and learning to find joy in the present and not lose any more time than I already have. Maybe it's something you could pursue? Writing here can be helpful too, a huge relief and a way of examining all the feelings you've been carrying around for so long. Keep talking.

[BrokenHeart]

Thank you for your reply.



I'm so sorry you're going through this too. It's so so hard, especially when no one seems to understand.



I'm so pleased you have had some help, what you described is exactly what I need. I tried to explain it to my counsellor, like you said finding a way to think of it slightly differently, to piece together lost memories and process the feelings. And most importantly to find the joy in the present and stop wasting even more time! You have totally hit the nail on the head, I feel so much guilt that I'm wasting time, so much guilt. I have no one to talk to, I've tried so many times to speak to my partner but it's pointless. I have friends and a very supportive family, but it's not something I can discuss with them, I so desperately wanted the counselling to achieve some of the things you mentioned and it just didn't. At all.

Only one session was vaguely about it, I had to do some homework, write a letter expressing how I felt, what happened, what went wrong, how I'm left feeling etc. etc. I tried so hard to let all the emotions out in this letter. Was really hard to do, but the next session of the promised looking at the letter, working on the problems never happened. She just asked if I had written the letter, I said yes and got it out my bag. And that was as far as it got. So I ended up feeling like this huge wound had been ripped open, and just left like that.

[frogface]

Ouch that doesn't sound helpful at all. It took me a couple of goes to find the right person I could talk to. But you'll find people here who have gone through similar things and will understand. The guilt is soul destroying and so futile. We should be congratulating ourselves on still standing after everything, not beating ourselves up for something that happened to us, that we had no control over.

[BrokenHeart]

Can I ask did you have any particular type of counselling? I had 12 weeks of a mixture of different types and while helpful for my anxiety, was useless for what I went there for.

I wonder if there is something really helpful for postnatal illness? I really think I need to get some help. I can't go on feeling like this it's awful.

[frogface]

I got a recommendation from my gp for a psychologist who specialises in trauma and attachment. Although she covers some cbt tricks, it's mostly space for me to talk and for her to reflect and hear what I'm saying and try and keep me from getting "stuck". I asked for the names of 3 counsellors and figured one of them would suit me. Maybe you can voice what you want and need? Or write it down?

[monica]

Welcome Broken heart

I'm sorry you're suffered and struggled so much but equally pleased that life is so much better. I think it's quite a normal reaction to grieve for the lost time you could have had with your baby and also for the suffering you e been through. Of course on the one hand you're in such s better place and that should be celebrated with you now looking forward to he future but on the other it's difficult to let go of the guilt, resentment and pain you've been through .

As FF said, do try a different counsellor. I don't really get what the last one was trying to achieve by writing a letter then leaving it. I don't know if financially you can afford to find one - if so have a chat over the phone before committing to anything. You'll see whether you 'click'. I'm sure bein g able to vocalise your terrible experience will be cathartic and hopefully help you move on.

Please do keep talking x