Post by Anonimum on Feb 24, 2017 20:19:20 GMT
So i dont know how to make this story short but i am going to try.
I ad a rubbish pregnancy mentally, i probably should of been diagonosed with antenatal depression but it took the whole nine months to get help, and by the time i got it i was too scared to be honest how i felt as SS tried to take my baby off me before she was born because of a junior pschiatrist misdiagnosing me in the first place. as a result when my baby was born i denied my true feelings to everybody and missed a good oppotunity to talk to a good pschiatrist.
I hated my pregnancy and was so ashamed of myself, i was embarassed to be pregnant. I felt my body was disgusting and was revolted by the fact i had something growing in me. I didnt think labour was painful or magical , just happened. I didnt feel the love for my child when she was born and the day i didnt go for the abortion i regretted it and ive regretted everyday since.
I HATE LIFE I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE AND I WOULD LIKE ANYTHING MORE THAN TO COMMITT SUISIDE BUT IM TRAPPED
I hate my sister for telling me that i should keep the baby, i hate her for putting the idea in my head that i wanted to keep it as i never did . i hate her for scaring me about abortions. and most of all i hate her for promising me she would help me and hasnt bothered !!
i hate mysself for listening, i hate myself for not having an abortion , now i question everyday why didnt i just let SS take her. SS had a massive impact as when they got involved i was just starting to accept my prgnancy in the last month of it and they made everything worse. Since i have lived all 17 months of my daughter being alive in the world doubting everything from food i put in her to bathing and nappy changing and the clothes i put on her not being good enough because i was accused of not being good enough.
My daughter is perfect in everybodies eyes but i do not enjoy her, i do not like being a mum, in fact hate is an understatement . Now im sitting here wondering who and how i can give her away .
I do every thing i am supposed to do and i hate it to the bottom of my soul. i think i am now going to stop breast feeding all together because i can no longer bear my daughter on my breast. i just want to push her away . im now on ADs because i cant cope with my own feelings anymore and im finding it harder to keep them away from my daughter.
She will be at her dads on saturday and im sitting here wondering if i can get away with suicide because if i get rid of her i prob wont ever live with the guilt of how much damage i will have caused to another human being, never mind something im supposed to protect out of anyone on the planet. i dont enjoy life. im sick of people telling me how much they love their children, im sick of people telling me how much they laugh at their children. i think ive laughed at her twice and she burst out crying because i laughed. it scared her.
when my mood dipps the erge to push away my daughter is over bearing, when she cries i cant stand the moise it makes me hurt myself because she wont shut up unless i pick her up and when im upset i cant stand anyone touching me, never mind her. at times i just want her to f**k right off.
PND if i knew it was about just not wanting to be a mother i certainly would have forceed myself a little harder to get an abortion . i feel tricked into motherhood which really is just complete bullshit that everyone lies about. i never wanted children . i wish i hadnt
I ad a rubbish pregnancy mentally, i probably should of been diagonosed with antenatal depression but it took the whole nine months to get help, and by the time i got it i was too scared to be honest how i felt as SS tried to take my baby off me before she was born because of a junior pschiatrist misdiagnosing me in the first place. as a result when my baby was born i denied my true feelings to everybody and missed a good oppotunity to talk to a good pschiatrist.
I hated my pregnancy and was so ashamed of myself, i was embarassed to be pregnant. I felt my body was disgusting and was revolted by the fact i had something growing in me. I didnt think labour was painful or magical , just happened. I didnt feel the love for my child when she was born and the day i didnt go for the abortion i regretted it and ive regretted everyday since.
I HATE LIFE I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE AND I WOULD LIKE ANYTHING MORE THAN TO COMMITT SUISIDE BUT IM TRAPPED
I hate my sister for telling me that i should keep the baby, i hate her for putting the idea in my head that i wanted to keep it as i never did . i hate her for scaring me about abortions. and most of all i hate her for promising me she would help me and hasnt bothered !!
i hate mysself for listening, i hate myself for not having an abortion , now i question everyday why didnt i just let SS take her. SS had a massive impact as when they got involved i was just starting to accept my prgnancy in the last month of it and they made everything worse. Since i have lived all 17 months of my daughter being alive in the world doubting everything from food i put in her to bathing and nappy changing and the clothes i put on her not being good enough because i was accused of not being good enough.
My daughter is perfect in everybodies eyes but i do not enjoy her, i do not like being a mum, in fact hate is an understatement . Now im sitting here wondering who and how i can give her away .
I do every thing i am supposed to do and i hate it to the bottom of my soul. i think i am now going to stop breast feeding all together because i can no longer bear my daughter on my breast. i just want to push her away . im now on ADs because i cant cope with my own feelings anymore and im finding it harder to keep them away from my daughter.
She will be at her dads on saturday and im sitting here wondering if i can get away with suicide because if i get rid of her i prob wont ever live with the guilt of how much damage i will have caused to another human being, never mind something im supposed to protect out of anyone on the planet. i dont enjoy life. im sick of people telling me how much they love their children, im sick of people telling me how much they laugh at their children. i think ive laughed at her twice and she burst out crying because i laughed. it scared her.
when my mood dipps the erge to push away my daughter is over bearing, when she cries i cant stand the moise it makes me hurt myself because she wont shut up unless i pick her up and when im upset i cant stand anyone touching me, never mind her. at times i just want her to f**k right off.
PND if i knew it was about just not wanting to be a mother i certainly would have forceed myself a little harder to get an abortion . i feel tricked into motherhood which really is just complete bullshit that everyone lies about. i never wanted children . i wish i hadnt