Hi everyone, I am new on this and could do with some help.

[abbyangela97]

Hi everyone,

I have had my baby 8 weeks ago today. After 3 days of having him I had a thought in my head saying go die go die and it broke my heart and made me push him away. I was disgusted having all these thoughts of him choking, drowning and it was me doing it to him. I went to the doc and got on medication and had a little help from the mental health team but they have stopped. I have anxiety thoughts every day and when I think I haven't had one then one pops in to my head, it can be to do with sexual thoughts towards my child, other children, it can be horrid / death / killing thoughts towards my baby or others.

I don't know what to do to stop them cause the sexual ones make me believe that I would actually do that to a child and it makes me feel disgusted and horrified with myself. My partner is a great support but my anxiety is just the worlds worst to me the now! I can't have a good day without it being there or saying something to me.

I just want to be happy and enjoy my family life now instead of waking up and going oh what am I going to think today.

I now bond with my baby and love him to pieces but sometimes my anxiety makes me think I ain't bonding and makes me believe that I am not. It breaks my heart that I have an illness like this I would wish this on my worst enemy. I question myself why me why? Cause I love children, I have always wanted children and now I have my own I have these disgusting thoughts in my head.

[frogface]

They are Just Thoughts - they come from your worst fears and are a sign not that you would do any of them but that you want to protect your baby - you are being a good protective mother and the thoughts are normal. But they are upsetting and almost impossible to force away. They won't last forever, please believe me. Eventually they will fade and take up less and less space.

Go back to the GP if you feel you are not coping. Sometimes we have to push for the help we need. And keep posting here. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby.

[abbyangela97]

Thank you very much.

It feels as tho you are in a bubble and nothing will get better and it's just going to stay the same and I am always going to be this weird person with weird thoughts! Xxx

[monica]

This is no reflection on you as a person. It's a horrible horrible symptom of PNI. As bleak as it feels now you will get better. It can be a difficult frustrating journey but you will get there.

I agree with FF - go back to Drs and push for help. Cognitive behavioural therapy can veg very effective in combatting these thoughts x

[monica]

This is no reflection on you as a person. It's a horrible horrible symptom of PNI. As bleak as it feels now you will get better. It can be a difficult frustrating journey but you will get there.

I agree with FF - go back to Drs and push for help. Cognitive behavioural therapy can veg very effective in combatting these thoughts x

[abbyangela97]

Yeah I am scared the doctor judges me and thinks am a complete and utter pedo / perv with the thoughts I have towards my child and other children. It's just not normal in my eyes and makes me feel sick tbh! X

[monica]

Half the battle is believing that they are just thoughts and nothing else . Once you accept that the thoughts are easier to ignore . It's worth to talking to Drs- maybe tell him you're obsessively worried about harm coming to your child and take it from there x

[brach24]

Hello, you are doing amazing loving and bonding with your baby despite all these fears jumping in your head all the time.
The things that helped me was * more sleep - def tonnes easier to get rid of a bad thought when you've had adequate sleep!
* someone telling me that the sheer fact I was abhored by the thoughts showed I wouldn't do it - that gave helped me relax * cbt! Helped me learn how to bat away the "I'm a bad mummy" thoughts. * meds - they helped me lower anxiety enough to do the work of cbt and function day to day (I had bad anxiety too)

Hope you manage to go back to drs or speak directly to your health visitor for referral to local support groups etc.
You are very welcome here. I have found disry writing so helpful and can recommend taking that time to be reflective and open about your fears can be such a burden off.
Xx