On the treadmill...

[runninonempty]

I don't really know where to start. I am on a continuous cycle of self blaming. Almost 9 months ago I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Then I had a pph and lost 3litres of blood and the first hour of my son's life. There were no cute pics of us, no skin to skin...he was just wailing when I finally met him and I was exhausted and grey...this is our first picture together...its bloody awful!
He doesn't sleep well..i blame myself for putting us getting out and about over strict routines. He needs the breast to help him sleep at night...i blame myself for feeding him. I tell him to shut up in the middle of the night...i believe I am crazy. I try to talk to my partner but feel selfish as he has to work. I am so tired and so fed up. I feel mad at my gorgeous son and he isn't doing anything other than be a baby. I am disgusted at myself for not coping. I just needed to let it out. I could go on...but I won't (probably too tired) ... please tell me routines aren't all they are cracked up to be and he will sleep...xx

[monica]

Welcome!

Please please don't be so hard on yourself. We have this image of how we should feel and behave as new mum's but for many, many ladies this perfect, composed relaxed mum with the perfect little darling who sleeps from 7-7 and just adjusts to our routine is so far from the reality .

Motherhood is bloody tough, monotonous and draining no matter how much we love them. Imagine doing any job 24/7 without break without sleep. It would be classed as torture! Add some Pni and and it all becomes so overwhelming.

Firstly, talk to your husband about it. Even if he works he can support you. Do you have family who could help you out too - perhaps so you can have a break and do something for yourself? Think of it as an investment into your well being .

Your birth story sounds horrendous and extremely traumatic. Do you feel that's had a lasting impact too?

Please talk to your doctor and health visitor - they will ha e heard your story a million times before. They can offer tips for sleeping and routine and help to support you. It sounds like baby used your breast as comfort. Have you tried anything to break the habit. I used controlled crying with mine - it was horrendous for me with my eldest but it certainly helped in the long run. I'm not a health care professiona but it sounds like you could be depressed - they can offer talking therapies and/or medication to help with this. You will feel better I promise.

Do keep talking to us - you will feel better x