frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 14, 2018 20:20:36 GMT
Ach you poor thing wish I could give you a magic answer that one day you'll wake up and everything will be ok but I can't. Remember, it's already easier than it was, you've had a good day or two, things are getting better. It's just a painfully slow journey. For me I felt a turn around at 6 months, my first chink of Light. It was a long slow journey after that. It's hard work but you know what, it's hard even when you don't have pni, despite how people may look from the outside. Be really nice to yourself, and remember sleep deprivation is literally a torture device. If you aren't sleeping get back to the Gp, we need sleep to function. You might want to get the headache checked out too. It might well be stress but no harm getting it checked. Take some slow deep breaths, you know how to look after your baby, you know him better than anyone. He needs you. The crying is exhausting but that's what babies do, it's not a comment on you in any way. Take it a step at a time and try not to think ahead too much. If it gets too much tomorrow we are here.
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Post by leanneh on Jan 14, 2018 23:44:30 GMT
Hi Emily,
I really feel for you. It's such a horrendous time and you feel like you're plugging away and getting no where but I promise you will. I noticed I started to feel more in control when he was about 16 weeks but even now I have days when I feel like I don't have a clue. I think that's the case for most mums - after all we are all winging it really!! I did notice I relaxed a lot more when we put a proper bedtime routine in place as it meant I had an evening and could have some me time again. That break is so important.
How much sleep are you getting? My son slept amazingly but I didn't. It could be you are restless at night and that's why you are feeling so exhausted in the day.
What dose are you on of the Sertraline? Still the 50mg? If so could it be worth going up again? Or maybe looking to try a different one? I was put on Citalopram at first and it worked for a week or so and then stopped and I then plummeted to being totally suicidal and on the verge of being sent to a mother and baby unit (all the calls were made). I was then switched to Sertraline and that made a huge difference. They added in an anti psychotic too but it made me too sick so I came off that. It certainly could be worth talking through your current dose and potential options with your gp?
Has your gp mentioned referring you to talking therapies for CBT or counselling? I found these really complemented the medication and helped me figure out how to help myself more.
Are you having visits at home from your health visitor? I had these for the first year and they were helpful to be able to talk through the crying and what I was doing and what I could try differently and how I was feeling - she'd had pnd herself which also made it nice to talk to her about.
Just remember mums may seem like they have it all together but they don't - when I eventually confided in my friends one of my closest friends who I thought was doing amazing said she used to look at me and think how much more on top of motherhood I was and spend evenings crying about it. Everyone is losing their shit it's just some can hide it better than others!! Do you have any mum friends with babies a similar age who you spend time with?
I promise you will get through this. I know it's not much consolation at the moment but we will help you get there xx
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 15, 2018 13:20:54 GMT
Today has not been much better than yesterday, so far. Baby has been sleeping from 8pm to 5am/6am over the past week or so, which has been brilliant, but last night he woke up at 2am and then 4am, so I feel even more exhausted than I did before. Maybe he’s having a growth spurt? I don’t know, but yet again this morning he’s been crying a lot. He won’t nap and I have had absolutely no time to do anything other than sit and rock him. It’s all of my anxieties realised.
I’m on 150mg of Sertraline at the moment Leanne, and I thought I was making reasonably good progress on that doseage, but I’ve felt pretty awful for a few days now. My GP did recommend CBT but I haven’t taken it up; I kept meaning to but then the medication seemed to start working a bit so I didn’t bother. Maybe I should though.
I can’t see how this will get better. I can’t see how I will get better. I miss my old life. I feel so much guilt that I was happier before baby came along. What kind of mother resents their own child?
I feel desperate today. X
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 15, 2018 13:48:15 GMT
Pretty much every mother at one time or another resents their baby, to answer your question. You're not alone. Remember you don't have to get anything done except keep your baby as comfy as you can at the moment - if that means sitting and rocking him all day and nothing else that's really ok and a job well done. Everything else can wait. Just make sure you're getting food and sleep yourself too. I find CBT really helpful.
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2018 18:01:36 GMT
FF sums up everything so well. You're doing a marvellous job and ARE recovering. Baby crying is your Achilles heel and for whatever reason (teething? Cold? Grumpy?) your son is crying and it's triggered this low mood, self criticism and bleakness.
These blips are normal whilst recovering and they are tough but you will pick up. Try some coping strategies that work for you for instance going out for walk , meeting someone, maybe having an evening out with a friend anything that perks you up.
All mum's have times when they resent their kids and it's normal to feel this way when you're low. Big hugs x
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Post by leanneh on Jan 16, 2018 1:01:12 GMT
Aww big hugs lovely. I promise you I know that desperation, I've been there and I promise it doesn't last. Try to keep reminding yourself that this will get better. I used to cry and cry for my old life to midwives, the health visitor, anyone who would listen but genuinely I love my life now. Everyone finds a new born baby incredibly trying - I don't care what people say it's not an amazing time. I remember it being an incredibly hard time where you have to give a lot to a baby that really doesn't give anything back. It does get easier when they do start to give back as you feel some reward for what you do for them.
FF is right - just do what you need to get through the day. How hands on is dad? Can he take baby for a bit to give you a break - even if you just go for a walk around the block. I used to find my sons crying made me feel incredibly stressed and physically sick and even having time to myself didn't work if I was somewhere I could hear it. Just a 10 minute walk around the block will just help to bring your anxiety levels down a bit.
Please keep talking to us any time and tell us how you are feeling - don't let the desperation get you down. You can fight this and you will beat it xx
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Post by leanneh on Jan 16, 2018 1:02:57 GMT
Also definitely go for the CBT - the anti d's are a crutch to help you through this blip but CBT will give you lifelong tools for managing things - I still find it useful now I'm better for all sorts! Both combined will only improve things for you xx
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 16, 2018 19:58:29 GMT
So today was better than yesterday. We had our baby group today and it was nice to get out of the house and see some other mums and feel a little bit normal. It felt like a hard slog getting there but I was glad I did. I visited my dad this afternoon and he took baby from me for a while just so I could have a break.
Baby seems to have been in a better mood today - but does he thrive on my mood? It’s a chicken and egg scenario. Everybody tells me they can ‘sense’ your mood so if you’re miserable, baby is too. That doesn’t fill me with joy because I can’t help feeling utterly miserable at times. Then I get anxious that his crying is therefore inadvertently my fault.
I’ve got an appointment at the doctors on Thursday so I’ll see if I can be referred for CBT. I really should have given it more thought in the past but I don’t think I’ve been in a place where I felt comfortable talking face to face with someone about my thoughts. It’s easier on here because it’s more or less anonymous and I don’t feel that anyone will judge me. I worry that I’ll be judged for how I feel. I’m a teacher and I feel like that’s a job where people expect you to hold it together and be able to fly through looking after your own child. I’ve told anyone who will listen, a classroom of teenagers is easier than one newborn baby!
I’m still utterly exhausted, even though I’m getting a reasonable amount of sleep. Maybe it’s not deep sleep? I seem to hear every single snuffle baby makes.
I so wish the anxiety and desperate moments would go away. I just want to go back to feeling like me again.
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 16, 2018 20:47:12 GMT
Well done for getting out today. My son and I definitely bounce off each others moods since he was a tiny baby - he's eight years old now! My dd is much less affected by others and just goes on her merry way (like her dad). You're doing a great job Emily. I was a secondary teacher in a previous life and also believe a class of teenagers is a breeze compared to a baby ha! Now I teach one to one but still find the tinies hard work. You'll get back to yourself eventually, be patient and make a note of anything that makes you feel energised of calm. It can be useful to look at the list when things seem hopeless. Hope tomorrow is a good day for you.
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Post by leanneh on Jan 16, 2018 22:56:04 GMT
I literally could have written your post two years ago Emily. I remember dragging myself out week after week to a ridiculous baby massage class which I hated but I was glad I did because afterwards I felt a little bit better for it.
They do say babies feed off your mood but I made a real effort to at least put on a front to my son if no one else - I was literally making plans to end my life and he was the happiest baby ever. Everyone including my psychologist and health visitor commented on the fact that despite how low I was he was really happy. I had to make a really conscious effort in front of him but it worked so you can try and stop it affecting him. At least then it's one less thing to beat yourself up about as I know I used to do that for everything I possibly could. He may just be having a grouchy day - we all have them even babies!
With regards to your job pni doesn't discriminate. I'm a qualified Solicitor and so used to working under incredible pressure and so couldn't understand why I couldn't cope with a baby. Plus I knew my son was good so used to think if I couldn't even look after a good baby how would I cope with a difficult one! I wasn't used to talking about my feelings it was totally alien to me so refused psychology for the first three months! I then sat in with her and told her I would rather be in court fighting a case than I would be talking to her - totally ridiculous as I only had to talk to her about how I was feeling!! I find it quite easy now to talk about my feelings but it's taken time to change that mindset. It's positive that you can see the benefit of working on this - I'll help give you tips where I can!
There's a great blog on Facebook from someone called the butterfly mother which is worth a read - I used to read her posts and think they were spot on! X
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Post by leanneh on Jan 20, 2018 1:21:23 GMT
How are you Emily?x
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Post by monica on Jan 20, 2018 9:35:07 GMT
How are you? How did you get on at Drs?
Well done on getting to the group! And so pleased you enjoyed it. Keep at it! Getting out is often good as the home can be associated with feeling low and getting out can blow away some of the cobwebs .
I'm not sure I necessarily agree that babies feed off your mood. Babies are babies - some are grumpier than other, they can feel off, teething, tummy ache etc- it's probably not tied to your mood at all!
You're doing an amazing job. Have you got any weekend plans? X
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Post by emily1985 on Jan 20, 2018 15:55:15 GMT
Thank you again for all your support, ladies. It does really help to be able to say what I want to say on here.
Baby had his vaccinations on Thursday and I was hoping I might be able to discuss CBT whilst I was there, but I didn’t really get the opportunity. I did make an appointment for next week though so I’ll hopefully be able to get something sorted then.
I’m going out for dinner and some drinks with some friends tonight and my husband is staying in with Sebastian. I’m very much looking forward to getting out for a bit and enjoy just being Emily as opposed to mummy. I think it’s little things like tonight, the odd occasion where I get to relax, that keep me going.
I feel very up and down. One day I can feel fine and the next I feel as bad as I’ve ever felt. Today is a good day but tomorrow might be a hundred times worse.
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frogface
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Post by frogface on Jan 20, 2018 21:00:10 GMT
Brill Emily - enjoy tonight! That up and down is actually the start of recovery - I remember feeling devastated when I felt terrible after a good day and a psych nurse told me that's how you start getting better. Little chinks of light that get bigger and longer and eventually you have more good days than bad. There's no off switch, it's a long hard road but it sounds like you're on your way x
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Post by leanneh on Jan 21, 2018 0:22:13 GMT
So glad you are going out. That will do you the world of good! The up and down is a really good sign although I know it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment. When every day is dark you have no hope but once you start to pick up like you are it gives you hope so hang in there. Turn it around and see that by having the ups and downs, when you are having a down day just really try And force yourself to remember that tomorrow may be better!! It's not easy and it is a real fight but it's a fight we have had and beaten and you will too xxx
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