lilyb
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by lilyb on Nov 16, 2017 20:33:38 GMT
I had my first baby just over seven weeks ago. My husband and I had been trying for a couple of years so very much a planned pregnancy, although I think in part it was because I viewed it as a 'get out of jail free card' for a career I hate. I've suffered from anxiety and depression since I was 18, now in my mid 30s, no medication or talking therapy has ever helped and I am unable to cope with life in general anyway prior to having the baby. I feel I shouldn't have had the baby as I'm worried it'll end up a complete failure at life by being brought up by me, and he also looks like me which I shouldn't have inflicted on him. Unsurprisingly I have developed severe PND and am currently under the care of social services. I've been prescribed Sertraline by a psychiatrist as not on any meds currently. However my husband won't let me take any medications as he wants to start trying for another baby ASAP. I think this would be the worst idea ever but my opinion doesn't seem to matter. I can't talk to my husband about how bad I'm feeling as he'll get mad at me; when I've tried to talk to him about my mental health problems in the past he's got angry because he doesn't understand (he thinks I am selfish - as in what more could I possibly want to make me happy, look at how bad some other people have it with physical illnesses etc), and after a suicide attempt a few years ago he said he'd leave me if I ever did anything similar again. Social services want to discuss my care with my husband but I think that will just make things a thousand times worse. I feel like the worst person in the world because I feel nothing for my baby - I thought I was supposed to have this rush of love but that's never happened. I very rarely lose my temper but find myself screaming obscenities at my baby when he won't stop crying. I don't know what to do with him - when I see other Mums with their babies they chat away and play with them and seem so happy - I feel uncomfortable trying to do that with mine, and just spend my time dreading him waking up. I think he can pick up on how I'm feeling because he's always angry and screaming, he won't look me in the face, and has started smiling at other people but not at me. I can't admit any of this to my husband because he'd get so angry with me - what is wrong with me that I can't love my own child? Everyone keeps saying the first six weeks are the hardest, well we're past that now and it's worse rather than better. The health visitor keeps saying he's a 'difficult baby'. I can't see things ever getting better, and the way I'm feeling has made all my pre-existing mental health problems so much worse. I don't have any friends to talk to at all as I keep myself isolated from other people to save them the embarrassment of knowing me. My family are about an hour away but I can't speak to them about how I'm feeling as I don't want to look like a failure, and I don't want to worry them either. I find it difficult to talk about how I'm feeling and am very good at pretending everything is fine, I can't even tell my social worker or doctor how bad I'm feeling. I feel my baby would be better off without me; he seems so happy around my Mum but never with me. I don't know who to speak to or where to go next as I can't see any solution.
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Post by monica on Nov 17, 2017 19:09:19 GMT
Welcome Lilyb
I'm so sorry you're struggling with this terrible illness. I hope we can support and encourage you as we all understand how deblilitating pni can be having been through it ourselves. None of us are professionals, just mums.
From what you've written it sounds like there are so many different things going on in your life at the minute - no wonder you're struggling - anyone would! Motherhood is a huge life changing event - many women (up to 20% struggle) combined with other life factors plus hormones makes it a difficult time for many.
I hope you don't mind me asking you some questions - if you don't want to answer them that's absolutely fine.
You mentioned you've struggled with anxiety and depression since adulthood. This can be a risk factor in getting pni. Do you know what caused this? This may sound like a stupid question but do you know why therapies incl medication have not helped you?
All the symptoms you've mentioned like the lack of bond, feelings of failure and passing them onto your child, the rage at times, isolation, low self esteem are certainly part and parcel of pni for many mums. As for the rush of love - well this doesn't come to everyone including me as a sudden euphoric moment. There is pressure for us mums to love every moment and fall into this role naturally. There is nothing wrong or abnormal if this doesnt happen!
I'm sorry if this offends you but the relationship with your husband sounds toxic, by that I mean his towards you which i imagine makes everything a million times worse. He sounds very controlling and offers you no comfort, kindness or sympathy. If you're feeling so low I imagine the last thing YOU want is to have another baby atm. Why is he rushing this? And worst of all, you sound frightened of him. Why not let the health visitor talk to him? Maybe someone else giving him info about pni might help him understand? or at the very least persuade him to take meds? Why do you feel you need his permission to take meds? Is this a cultural issue? Is there anyone that he respects that you could talk to to help him 'get' what's going on with you? With mental illness the 'pull yourself together' ' what have you to be depressed about' attitude is the worst thing to say as if anyone of us could do those things when in the depths of depression we would! No one choses to feel this way.
Would you like to talk about your relatiionship with your husband here? We also have a relationship section if that would help you feel more secure. Is there anyone you could confide in about the relationship with your husband? Perhaps health visitor?
With regards to the bonding with your baby, your health visitor should help you with this. Have you tried baby massage? this is a great tool to bond with baby as usually both of you enjoy it. Also perhaps try to allocate even 10 mins aday. During that time just focus on baby - so sing him a song, read a book but really give baby that time and don't think about anyhting else. You can build up on that time. Also everyday try to go for a walk with baby even if it's round the block only. the physical exercise and fresh air can really help and baby usually likes this.
Try to find time to speak to your family and friends. I know you don't want to worry them but you need support and help desperately and helping yourself should be your priority, I know that can be hard to do.
Please please don't give up hope. You will recover - it may be a difficult journey but there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Do keep talking to us.
Monica
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Post by emily1985 on Dec 8, 2017 21:29:09 GMT
Hi, I just read your post and much of what you said rings so true with me. My baby is 7 weeks old and I too feel like a failure and also worry about the lack of a bond with him. His crying is the main source of my anxiety and I absolutely HATE hearing it. I dread his every waking moment because I fear his crying will start again. Whilst I can’t offer any real help, I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone and that I could have written a good majority of what you wrote myself (and in fact have on this site!). Keep talking/writing. Emily
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