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Post by Jim on Aug 5, 2006 11:37:43 GMT
Hi Just found the site, wanted to ask some questions. My partner is suffering with PNI, she knows it and I know it. The trouble is this is on top of problems that stem from her childhood. I love her to bits but like most blokes I'm useless at spotting the little signs she gives out to say that she can't cope, and I only realise that she can't cope when shes shouting at me with clenched fists. She's been to the GP and is on sleeping pills, which don't work, she doesn't want to go on anti depressants, fair enough. So what do I do? I'm happy to go to counselling with her, but she says I should go alone. She says she wants me to take control, but how? Do I just sit tight and ride out the storm, or does the storm not blow itself out? I'm utterly clueless. Please help, Thanks
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Post by sjgilb on Aug 5, 2006 12:03:05 GMT
Hey Jim Well done for seeking some help and support - it's often the first step to facing the problems and reaching a resolution. It's a positive step that she (and you) recognise that she is suffering from PNI, when my wife first started suffering from it I was in complete denial until it all got too big and scary to ignore. I would suggest trying to access as much support as possible, both professional in terms of health visitors/gp etc and personal in terms of family, friends and also forums such as this one. Don't try and shoulder the burden alone! I had one friend who would just take me to the pub for a couple of hours while his wife looked after mine, and that was invaluable. Just to have someone outside the situation to talk to is great as depression kills conversation, and is dare I say it pretty boring when it's all you talk about! Contining to pursue the medical route is worth doing as well. Although you hear many scare stories about anti-depressants I feel that they have been the only thing that has helped my wifes mood to level out enough for her to start tackling some of the underlying issues. Counselling alongside meds is (I think) the best route to recovery, but hey I'm not a doctor ... It's hard for you to feel that you can't spot the signs when she's not coping. While she is down she will probably be very tired as well, so if you can offer to take the baby for a walk so she can rest, do a night feed or make a meal then although she probably won't appreciate or even notice it at the time it will make a difference in the long term.
The storm will eventually blow itself out but like any storm there are peaks and troughs even when you think you're escaping from it. I would advise you to talk honestly with her about a-d's, and maybe go along with her to the gp to talk it through. Hang in there mate!
Si
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Post by cheshire on Aug 5, 2006 20:58:04 GMT
Hi Jim
I read your post this morning and felt your partner was very similar in some ways to my own situation - which is why I found it hard to reply..
But I see you have a really spot on response above and a sa woman I have to agree especially with the following -
'''While she is down she will probably be very tired as well, so if you can offer to take the baby for a walk so she can rest, do a night feed or make a meal then although she probably won't appreciate or even notice it at the time it will make a difference in the long term.
The storm will eventually blow itself out but like any storm there are peaks and troughs even when you think you're escaping from it.'''
Hopeful
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Post by jim on Aug 6, 2006 12:56:00 GMT
Thanks for replies. Having read some other stories on here it seems that others are having it far worse than me. Most of the time she is fine, or masking it well, just sometimes it gets her. As for night feeds, baby has slept through from 9 till 7ish since about 4 weeks, & I usually get up with her. Trouble is partner has other problems that stop her sleeping. As long as I know that time is a healer then I can cope, and then maybe we can deal with the other issues. Is there a "normal" length of time to get over it? Thanks.
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Post by cheshire on Aug 6, 2006 14:39:59 GMT
Hi Jim,
My husband often used the term in some of his posts - 'time is a healer' and I think that is true. As for recovery time - it varies from months to years.
I am 2 years on - I'm sure I have a few steps more to make, but I cannot believe the difference compared with 2 years ago. Stay hopeful, it will improve and one day you will notice it's behind you and a memory rather than reality
Hopeful
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Post by yoyo on Aug 6, 2006 17:24:01 GMT
Hi Jim
Just want to add to the above posts that you're doing just the right thing - being there for your partner, as mentioned she may not fully appreciate or be able to show how much she appreciates this riht now and it may even make her feel guilty (that's how I was for a good while) but it is noticed and long term it really does pay off.
As for the normal length of time for PNI etc etc - unfortunately there are no rules. Getting the help and support needed as early as possible does seem to help reduce the time though. Personally I found that after 6 - 9 months I started to make progress and the PNi didn't completely control my life, life was still slow and things a struggle but it coudl be done. I then went through a 'blip' and this lasted a couple of months and once again am on the up again.
Please get your partner to look over the site sometime - I'm sure it'll helkp her realise that she's not alone in this x
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Post by allover on Mar 15, 2007 3:16:19 GMT
The worst thing for me is the self doubt - i.e. has she got PNI at all? She has told me that she thinks of herself as a bad mum because she didn't give our son 100% of her time, told the health visitor that she thought I may hurt her and/or our son and told me that she's always been scared of me - as well as changing her mind so much. Some days she loves me, sometimes she doesn't, some days she is coming back, some days she isn't.
At the moment she is with her parents in London; she emailed me to say she wants to collect all hers and my son's stuff this weekend. She won't come to Relate with me, despite me asking repeatedly. Her Mum says she `doesn't think' my wife is depressed. The health visitor says she is, but wouldn't talk to me about it for patient confidentiality. I can understand the reasons, but am sick to death of people telling me she `just needs to go to the doctor'.
As I said at the beginning, it is possible that she doesn't have PNI and just can't stand life with me any more. But the change in her has been so rapid and so radical - it's like I she's a stranger to me now. That's what really hurts.
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