|
help!
Nov 17, 2006 23:30:21 GMT
Post by Mr Harry on Nov 17, 2006 23:30:21 GMT
Sorry if I'm intruding on what appears to be a ladies forum but I need some help (I'm a bloke). I'll try and keep things as short as possible.
The situation is this:
Five years ago me+ wife had a baby girl. The wife suffered the most dreadful PND. She'd start the most dreadful rows over non-existant issues and would threaten violence. However, she completely refused to accept she had PND at all and thought she was "normal" and that it was everyone else giving her a hard time (It wasn't). I remember once coming in for work and a blazing row started that lasted best part of a week. The reason? Someone in the street had "looked at her funny". (Like that was my fault, eh?) Obviously she refused to seek medical advice as she didn't see there was a problem. I tried calling our GP, health visitor etc to sort something out and they refused to discuss the issue because I was "not the patient". Eventually after about 18-20 months the GP sussed out for himself that PND was a problem, prescribed something or other and the problem went way. She was then back to normal..
Fast forward to today. We have a 6 month old girl and the wife has PND again. It seems to go on a monthly-ish cycle. Once again she refuses to accept that she has any problem whatsover and that it is other people who are deliberately winding her up.
Take tonight as an example. I got sent to the local store to buy some milk. "Do you want anything else while I'm there?" "Of course I don't f*cking want anything else. I'm not stupid. I'd f*cking say if there was anything else" came the reply. I go to the shop and buy the milk, return 20 minutes later "Did you buy me any tuna?", "no, you said you didn't want anything else". "Of course I wanted f*cking tuna" etc..etc. Well, you get the picture.
Once again she refuses to discuss with the GP as she doesn't accept there is a problem. Once again the stupid arguments over non-events!
Once again the GP/health visitor/surgery etc refuse to discuss the issue with me at all due to "confidentiality" reasons.
I have no family left (All dead) but her family don't see there's a problem as she's perfectly normal when she sees them (Every couple of weeks).
Obviously I want all this sorted out and her back to "normal". The ideal thing would be for the GP to figure out that PND has returned and prescribe whatever he did last time that sorted the problem. However, I can't convince her to see the GP because even if I start a conversation suggesting there may be a problem a huge blazing row erupts. The GP etc won't talk to me, only her. Her family have only seen the "nice" side so won't accept that there's a problem.
It's like living with Jekyll and Hyde and I'm constantly treading on eggshells.
What can I do??
|
|
dl
Full member
Posts: 44
|
help!
Nov 18, 2006 8:07:19 GMT
Post by dl on Nov 18, 2006 8:07:19 GMT
Hey Mr Harry - DL here...my real name is Matt I won't bore you with my story here - you can see it in veritee.proboards7.com/index.cgi?board=men&action=display&n=1&thread=2483I really feel for you and wish I had some fantastic advice - but I'm afraid I don't - I can really get with the Jekyll and Hyde thing - my Wife and I call it the MASK...as do others here. To all intents and purposes evryone sees a 'normal' person but behind closed doors it's a different matter....I first realised there was a problem when my Wife and I had a huge row over there not being enough in house for lunch...I can get with the tuna thing. I've learnt over the months one simple thing - my Wife has an illness and it's not my fault...it's definitely not her fault...it's not anybody's fault....she has it and it sucks....big time. I made a promise to myself and her that I would support her through it and despite everthing it's somehow making us stronger....despite the dark days. I think the best thing I did was to buy a wristband from this site....you might think I'm crazy but I wear it as a permanent reminder of what my Wife is going through (although I'll never truly know). Any way, that's it for now - try to stay strong...I know it's tough....I'll check your post regularly and will reply...and help if I can....you're not alone. Take care DL (Matt)
|
|
|
help!
Nov 18, 2006 17:52:32 GMT
Post by ambrosine on Nov 18, 2006 17:52:32 GMT
Hi there,,,
I just read your posting, and i wish to reply to a few things.
I am in the throes of pni, after a miscarriage, and i dont know how id be if i also had a baby to look after, or 2 children. All i know is that, when a lady has a baby/miscarriage/termination, there is 1 main hormone which can disrupt and basically, react towards this pni. That is "progesterone". Progesterone is a mood hormone. iT IS in our bodies to not only help our uterus lining, and therefore support the baby in with everything, but also it is a form of "steroid" in its purest form . Therefore, when a lady is pregnant, her hormones are trying to adjust with all the hormones runing around. PROGESTERONE usually levels your body. It helps you sleep or makes you drowsy, it gives you a sort of "high" feeling, you are supposed to feel on top of the world with it, that is why ladies feel so tired at the first trimester, and 3rd trimester she feels ready to clean the house before the baby arrives.
However, here is the crunch. When she has had her baby, or miscarriage or finishes the pregnancy, the progesterone DROPS. it takes about 4 weeks for the progesterone to go down to a ZERO level in the body, *thats when the lady starts her periods again* AND WITH the drop of progesterone, comes the DROP IN MOOD.
The body is in itself fighting to level this hormone, and the brain balance is in jeopardy.
After the birth, the baby blues, are the sadness that the hormones level drops, but futher downthe line the mother may feel, depression, anger, anxiety, and all the other symptoms of PNI.
As yo know there are different levels of PNI and not all mothers will realise or want to know she is going through this.
What you need to do is give her "TIME"....Her body will still be adjusting from the hormones, and whether she has had a period or not this does not balance the level in her brain.
I have to say a few things here. My husband has a strategy. First, he gives me lots and lots of cuddles (NOT SEXUAL) i have to enforce that. He is touching me and looking after me, but doesnt come on to me. Secondly, if he sees im in the "F*** YOU " mood, which happens recently alot, he learns to just let it go over his head. HE WALKS away from it, and he just really is ever so patient with me. THen about 10 minutes later he asks if i need anything If im still in a mood, he wil just say "ok" and leave it.
Confrontation back is no good.
ONTO YOUR WIFE....
She maybe would like one of our ladies , on the board to maybe email her, or chat with her. If she doesnt realise she is going through this again, then maybe just get some leaflets about pni and give them to her.
Does she even have PNI??? What does the doctor say. Not all ladies who are moody have PNI... THERE ARE many symptoms that cause PNI, and she doesnt seem to have them.
Anyhow i hope these few words help you a litlle. Make sure she gets a diagnoses, as MOODY and angry isnt necessarily PNI.
All the best
ambrosine (sick of PNI*
|
|
|
help!
Nov 30, 2006 23:34:12 GMT
Post by Mr Harry on Nov 30, 2006 23:34:12 GMT
Thanks for the advice everyone. Much appreciated.
I understand it's an illness and that it is no one's fault. Problem is, she can't even see that she's got an illness and instead blames all of life's problems on me. I'm even getting it in the neck for things other people have done..people I haven't met or even heard of in some cases! I have even been blamed for stuff on the news!
Obviously I'd like to give her all the support she needs but she won't accept any support as she doesn't see the need for it. Indeed any attempt at any form of "support", be it a cuddle or even a special treat of some sort simply triggers an angry reaction!
If I were to buy a wristband, for example, she'd immediately start a row and accuse me of inventing a non-existent illness that she didn't have and talking about her behind her back.
It would be great if someone could talk to her about it. Problem is, if someone *did* approach her to talk to her about it she'd fly off the handle. It'd be far better if she approached someone off her own back. Problem is, she won't talk to anyone as she won't admit there's an issue!
This is the crux of the problem and the bit that I'm having trouble finding a solution for! She can't for the life of her see that she has PNI and if anyone tries to talk to her about it she goes completely ballistic. If no one can talk to her about it then it's impossible to start sorting the problem out!
I'm sure that if she did speak to someone the problem would soon get sorted. It's getting her to speak to someone that's the impossible part.
Ambrosine: We had a couple of miscarriages a while ago so I know a bit of what you are going through. Unfortunately, it's one of those things that people don't generally talk about. It wasn't until we mentioned it to other people that we discovered loads of our friends had been through the same thing. It helped us knowing that we weren't the only ones.
|
|
|
help!
Nov 30, 2006 23:40:44 GMT
Post by Mr Harry on Nov 30, 2006 23:40:44 GMT
In reply to your bit about what the Doctor says, the Dr refuses to discuss anything to do with another patient and won't answer "theoretical" questions.
Is it PNI? Well, I have come to this conclusion because the symptoms are very similar to those she had with our 1st child, when the Dr diagnosed PNI.
I suppose it *could* be something else but the timing suggests it's PNI.
|
|
|
help!
Nov 30, 2006 23:42:43 GMT
Post by Mr Harry on Nov 30, 2006 23:42:43 GMT
The other thing I'd add is that most of the time she's normal, so it's not like she's moody all the time.
|
|
|
help!
Dec 10, 2006 22:47:17 GMT
Post by caterina on Dec 10, 2006 22:47:17 GMT
Hiya I'm no expert but that all sounds very familiar and I have a definite diagnosis of PNI.
One thing I can relate to is the anger aspect of it, I was a complete sh*te to my partner and expected him to be psychic. I would phone him at work, making him feel guilty about leaving me, and then when he did come home I was awful to him. I almost threw a plate at him once because he had put too much salad cream on a sandwich! Like your wife I refused to admit I had a problem and would not talk to him about it. Eventually we went to one of those baby weigh in clinics and he spoke to the HV. I was furious at the time but I'm so glad he did it now. I was started on prozac 5 months ago and am almost feeling sane again! I'm not suggesting that you drag your wife to her GP but if you can get her to go they can help. I'm actually surprised my partner didn't leave me when I was acting like this but like you, he knew way before I did that I was ill. Keep supporting your wife and I hope you both get some help with this.
|
|
|
help!
Dec 11, 2006 22:10:58 GMT
Post by sianyc on Dec 11, 2006 22:10:58 GMT
Hi I was awful to my husband until I got help. I would start arguments over nothing, walk out if the house if he so much as dared to argue back, sream and shout and have tantrums that I just could not control. My husband rang my HV and arranged for a home visit. She was wonderful I have to say. It all came to a head when I lost it one morning before the eldest went to creche. G dropped a nappy on the floor and it split. Those little crystals went everywhere and I totally totally lost it. It was after that I realised I had a problem (like it wasn't biting me on the bum before that G was crying and begging me to go to the doctor or call the HV - anything really. I'd pushed him to breaking point with my uncontrollable anger and moods I know it seems as if everything you do is wrong. If you're nice it's false or there's an argument to be invented. If you're not then you're unsupportive and useless. The only thing that worked in getting me to face up to it all was G being so upset. I was devastated that I had done this to him. Good luck x
|
|