how do feel when you have recovered..?

[smiley]

Just wanted to ask how you actually feel about the whole experience of pni once you have recovered fully. Are scarred for life? Does it change you as a person in a good or bad way? Do you slowly forget about how bad it was and carry on without thinking about it too much..

I know I have some way to go in my recovery but I just wanted to know will it always haunt me and my relationship with bubs?

[stevensmummy]

Good point smiley, how does it get?
Will we always be up and down with constant blips for the rest of our life?
Will I always blame my baby?

I'd be great to hear from someone who is recovered just what it really is like, might give some hope for the rest of us

Sarah x

[Scarlet]

Well girls, Here's my tuppence worth.

Yes you will slowly forget about the PNI and you will get back to a 'fully' normal life (ie how you were before) and everything you've experienced will be a distant memory, which you may reflect upon now again again, but you most certainly won't dwell on it.

Nope you won't be scarred for life and you will put it behind you as a learning experience. I think this is one of the reasons recovery is slow, each day you recover a little bit, and in the process you are slowly boxing up (bit by bit) all the negative thoughts, trauma, feelings of resentment, inadequacies, guilt, anxieties etc. until everything is back to it's original state...and to a point where you are totally comfortable with things, and they will not bother you anymore when you think about them.

You will NOT always blame your baby and your bond will get stronger and stronger. As for blips, well they will be non existant, apart from the usual PMT, times of stress etc. and you will be able to deal with these things as you did before this illness.

However I do think you'll be changed for ever in that because you have had an insight into what it feels like to have anxiety and depression, you will always be able to empathise with those that are suffering and you will be watching the world through X-Ray glasses to a certain extent.

[yoyo]

Hi smiley

When you feel frully or nearly receovered from PNI it is the best feeling in the world ever - it really is like the clouds have lifted an dyou can enjoy life fully. Your relationshop with your little one will improve and go from strength to strength - for me I felt nothing for my baby till he was 10 monhts old but now he is my world - obviously does my head in from time to time but that's relationships for you.

I see no obvious effects of my awful start to his life in him - he's confident, well deevloped and loving. Which is pretty amazing when I rejected him for so long! PNI fasdes gradulaly - but the reocvery road is so up and down it's horrid.

I can honestly say that now I am a different person but in a good way - I can cry more easily, laugh more easily and I know my limits, my family ifs first EVERY time and I feel like a deeper person. I won't lie and say that this has been easy - getting to know my self again was hard and it put strain on my marriage as I felt I had different needs and my hubby had found his own ways of dealing with my mjoods which was to withdraw but i now needed someone who could be very close and open.

Life after PNI does exisit and is beautiful You'll get there soon enough

[Scarlet]

I felt nothing for my baby till he was 10 monhts old

It was 10 months for me as well, and my recovery has gone from strength to strength since then. I've talked to a few mums that have also said that their baby being 10 months old was a turning point in their recovery.

[marion]

It's great to hear some poistive sotires there of how it feels when you've recovered.
I'm getting closer to it although things for me are weird with still being in hospital but Ido have days where I feel great and it's wonderful. It's so important to keep a hold of those feelings for the down days.

Love
Marion

[Scarlet]

I'm getting closer to it although things for me are weird with still being in hospital but Ido have days where I feel great and it's wonderful. It's so important to keep a hold of those feelings for the down days.

It is Marion and you'll have more and more of those days hun. I was in hospital for 3 months (spent 2 of them in bed staring into space) and I never thought there's come a day when I'd be stating anything positive, let alone be almost recovered....

[smiley]

oh thats good to hear.. I cant help feeling that I have wasted my maternity leave and been robbed of precious time with my baby while I have been off.. Maybe I will get over this in the future..

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

I felt like I had wasted my precious maternity leave and time with my baby too. But I dont think about that anymore and just concentrate on getting better x

Winegirl x

[stevensmummy]

I felt similar in that respect. I went back to uni when my 1st little boy was 3 months and he was looked after by mum. When I returned from uni and found when he cried he wanted my mum I was really hurt. I didnt have much feelings for him after that. I kept thinking whats the point. Afterwards I felt bad about not appreciating my time alone with him, by it wasting by feeling sorry for myself.

But now second time round with pni, I am a stay at home mum for now, and I dont regret my issues with my 1st baby, and I never really think about it. I think its something I need to get over and will see it when I am recovered. But now as winegirl says I just concentrate on gettin better.

Try not to stress yourself about it

Sarah x

[shelley]

I found once I was completely weaned off the medication that I would experience something simple like a traffic jam on the way to meet someone and I'd stress coz I was going to be late and I remember thinking, "it's ok, it's a little bit of anxiety, you can handle it." The medication had made me so numb I hadn't felt anything so any new feelings, either good or bad, I almost had to learn how to deal with them all over again. What other moms found to be normal every day stress was a learning experience for me.

[sadmum39]

Hi
Recovered to me is:
I feel my head is quiet - or can be quietened fairly easily. The intrusive thoughts are gone, and I can think and daydream and shut off, pretty much as my imagination takes me. I can sleep, I can join in with people, or choose to not join in as I feel like it - the fear doesnt decide that anymore. I can enjoy the children, or they can get on my nerves - I just feel the feelings and dont fear them, or explode them in my head.
My PNI was like I was hanging over a black well, with only my toes and fingers gripping on for dear life to stop me falling in with my head telling me to let go and let the darkness suffocate me, at the same time as trying to have the strength to get out of the well. Now its like I am in the village where the well is - I see the well and I remember but I am not scared, and I can pop my head into the well and walk away again.

I am scarred though. Some of my behaviours have caused some permanent damage but I dont live with guilt. I have kind of accepted the sadness and moved on. I live with the consequences and I talk fairly freely about it now, without regret and without shame. I wish I hadnt suffered and I am certainly not glad I had it, but it is an amazing feeling to be at rock bottom looking up, then getting better. I probably will live with varying degrees of anxiety and/or depression for the rest of my life, but I feel that I am truly living with them, and have learnt to embrace it all as part of who I am and how my life has moulded me.

I never thought I could feel like this - its fantastic

SMx

[flobob]

Hello
I can't respond on the relationship with bubs, because I luckily did bond with him and actually felt if only no-one else would bother us then everything would be fine.

But how I feel now is a little bit nervous that the next big thing is going to upset me and send me down. But when it comes, I cope and it goes away and I haven't gone over the edge then I feel good about myself and know that I am truly better and will cope with the next thing too. I think eventually that the nervousness about not coping will go. In the last month I have coped with 3 or 4 big things that previously would have had me in tears and desperately unhappy etc etc.

My friend sent me an article which I thought I'd put here as it talks about how you might feel after depression (any not just PNI):

“From darkness into Light”

With research suggesting antidepressant drugs are much less effective in tackling depression than previously thought, the illness is again making headlines. But could the downs ultimately make you a happier person? Depression specialist Dr Paul Keedwell says that mild to moderate depression may have benefits, including a reassessment of ones goals and priorities.

In his new book “How Sadness Survived”, Keedwell of London’s Institute of Psychiatry cites a recent Dutch study that found some patients coped better with problems after they had suffered from depression. Here we can look at how pain can lead to positivity…

Compassion and empathy

When you’ve been through a rough time, you have the ability to understand the plight of others better, says Keedwell. It helps you to understand the emotions of others. Good empathy is a great skill to have and one we need to use daily. A study by the University of Florida looked into the relationship between empathy and depression. A sample of women with reactive depression, who worked as nurses or social workers were given questionnaires about the severity of their illness. Researchers gave them further questionnaires to see how empathic they were. A strong link was found in both. Depression may also improve your emotional intelligence – your ability to manage other peoples emotions and express how you feel. Employers are now asking about people’s emotional intelligence as well as their IQ, says Keedwell. Its thought that those with high levels of emotional intelligence do better in careers and relationships.

Greater Resilience

Suddenly, the silly things might not seem as earth-shattering. If you miss your hair appointment you may not find it such a disaster when you compare how you felt during your period of depression, says Keedwell. It helps you review what is important.

Humility

This isn’t a weakness, says Keedwell, but an acceptance of your limitations. It’s an attractive quality. We are often drawn to humble people – so depression may even make you more popular. Humility can also stop your striving for unattainable goals.

Creative thinking

Some of history’s greatest geniuses have suffered from depression – take Winston Churchill, Charles Darwin and Michelangelo to name but three. A study by physician Felix Post of 100 great British and US writers found 50 per cent of them had experience depression in some form. Depression may help you have a greater appreciation of life. It’s almost like a burst of light after being in the darkness. I know I really appreciated the finer things more after my depression, say’s Keedwell. There is an element of rebirth and positivity after you’ve been in the depths of despair.

Case study

Marie Goswell, 39, suffered from depression for two years during her 20s. I lost those years of my life and when I came out of my illness I knew I just wanted to be happy and would never settle for less. As a result I’ve never stayed in an unhappy situation – in work or love – and if I feel sad or stressed, I take a step back and get out of danger. I also understand other people better. At the time, I didn’t think any good could come of feeling so confused and sad., but now I can see I did learn a few things

The End

I don't think I would have believed any of the positive stuff whilst I was going through PNI, but I can see now that I am more empathic and I do have greater resilience.

Take care, FloBob

[anita123]

10 months seems to be the turning pointfor me too...and believe it or not returning to work was the best thing i have done. Found that those voices in my head have disapeared and those feelings of guilt and regret have slowly disapeared.
I find that i am now more confident and am able to deal with situations more better than i have ever have done before. Sometimes yes i do feel a little down but i put it down to life and not the pni ....if that makes sense.
All those months ago when people said to me it gets better i was like yea right i thought it would never end...but there is truly light at the end of the tunnel and i hope that you guys get there real soon.

Anita xxx

[winegirl]

I think that the case study by Marie Goswell is so true. i am not yet recovered as i still have my anxiety problems etc, but am almost there, and i think certain parts of me have certainly changed for the better.

I have more patience with people and more understanding these days and have started to appreciate the smaller things in life.

I also know my boundaries a bit more. I still have a tendancy to take on too much and push myself too far, but am aware of feeling bad when i do it and know to take a step back.