Bethsmummy
New Member
I have a little girl aged 15 months
Posts: 11
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Post by Bethsmummy on Dec 10, 2004 9:18:37 GMT
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, please no bags, and please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots, please no gray and as for my belly, please take it away. Please keep me healthy, please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord For all that you’ve done.
Five tips for women........ 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn’t lie to you. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you. 5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts."
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Post by francoise on Dec 10, 2004 9:21:43 GMT
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D oh wendy ,stopppppppppppppp my belly is hurting again your creasing me to much the challenge has been set all for one and one for all this isnt a joke but im still burning up from what just happened to me i was on the phone to the head of year at amy,s secondary school talking about her hospital appointment she has coming up and i had leon on my knee so when i was finished speaking i put the phone on the arm of my chair and leant down and said to leon"oh have you done a poo, mummy did a big massive smelly one to this morning" anyway i then heard a voice and i realised i hadnt switched the phone off , i just went"sorry ,bye" god i went so red and there is only me n the bab here . love cherry fran
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Post by francoise on Dec 10, 2004 9:22:40 GMT
nooooooooooo i cant take this ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by francoise on Dec 10, 2004 9:38:33 GMT
ok wendy but i just need abit more time , they are coming though ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mum2Jack on Dec 10, 2004 9:47:43 GMT
;D
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A thingyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
hehehee well it made me laugh anyway.
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Post by annag on Dec 10, 2004 16:23:07 GMT
When is the only time you should fake an orgasm? When you have a Rotweiller rooting your leg.
Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day , anal sex makes your hole weak.
;D ;D ;D
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Vonda
Senior Member
I am 33 - two daughters, almost 3 years and 9 months
Posts: 302
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Post by Vonda on Dec 10, 2004 18:59:41 GMT
keep the jokes coming - I laughed so much that my eyes watered! ;D Vonda
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Vonda
Senior Member
I am 33 - two daughters, almost 3 years and 9 months
Posts: 302
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Post by Vonda on Dec 10, 2004 19:35:04 GMT
I don't know if this will work because of the rude word filters on this site but here goes
Four nuns are outside the gates of heaven waiting to be let in by St Peter. He says to the first nun, " I have one question for you before you enter heaven. Have you ever touched a mans willy?" "Yes she replied, once with the tip of my finger" "Dip your finger into the holy water and then enter into heaven."
St Peter turns to the second nun and asks the same question. The nun replies "Yes just once with my hand" "Dip your hand into the holy water and then go on into heaven" says St Peter.
At this the fourth nun pushes past the third nun and says "I am not going to gargle with the holy water after she has dipped her Fairy into it!"
Sorry - I know its a bad joke but its the best I could come up with.
Vonda
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scrumpy
Senior Member
I'm 34 and have a 3 year old daughter
Posts: 297
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Post by scrumpy on Dec 10, 2004 19:38:09 GMT
Cool jokes, I'm still laughing!! The only 2 i know were the first ones Wendy put on here. I can tell you a story about my mum, hope it's funny, it was at the time. me, mum and my sister recently went on a coach trip to Paris to watch Gloucester play rugby. As you can imagine the coach was full of loud, beer swilling lads. There was a group of six lads in front of us that we hooked up with for the weekend, my hubby is so trusting! (but I did behave myself). Anyway on the way home we stopped at the services and all got a burgerking which we brought back on to the coach. Mum walked past these lads, and said, while staring at one lads groin area (The burger was on lap) 'oh, I see you've got a big whopper then'. The entire coach erupted into howls of laughter. you probably had to be there but my god I still laugh thinking about it. I have never seen my mum so mortified!!
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Dec 11, 2004 2:01:15 GMT
An old lady and an old man were sitting on the verandah of the nursing home when the man turned to the woman and croaked, "I bet you cant guess how old I am".
The woman looked at him for a moment, then came over, unzipped his fly, grabbed his knob and had a good feel, then reurned to her seat and said, "Youre 73."
"That's amazing!" cried the old fella. "How'd you work that out?"
"Easy," replied the old duck, "you told me yesterday."
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Dec 11, 2004 2:10:13 GMT
A rowdy kid was being a pest as usual and in a last ditch effor his mother asked him, "if you dont settle down and behave yourself, how do you expect to get into heaven?"
"Easy," the boy replied "I'll just keep running in and out slamming the door until someone says, 'For f**** sake! Either come in or stay out!' - and then I'll go in."
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Dec 11, 2004 2:15:54 GMT
Soon after their marriage a husband found his bride had disappeared. He gathered all his friends to search for his wife, but with no luck.
Two days later the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she'd been up to and why she hadnt been home for so long.
"Four men kidnapped me," she explained. "They've been using me for wild, demented sex for a week."
the husband thought for a moment and said, "But it's only been two days.....what do you mean, a week?"
The wife popped a piece of toast into her mouth and mumbled, "I'm only here to get something to eat."
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Jan 13, 2005 2:44:34 GMT
A friends almost 3 year old came in from playing in the rain one day and very calmly explained to her Dad "It's f****n wet out there"
Another friends daughter, around the same age, was at the shops one day with her Nan when her Nan accidently bumped the trolley the little girl was in into shelves and the little girl exclaimed "You f****n idiot Nan!"................. woops..........
..............just shows why you shouldnt swear in front of kids hey - they repeat everything!!
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Post by francoise on Jan 13, 2005 10:50:23 GMT
lol , i like to see u in such good spirits carmen ,
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Carmen
Senior Member
2 boys - 5 and 23 months - recovered(but still on AD's)
Posts: 484
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Post by Carmen on Jan 14, 2005 1:32:04 GMT
My sister has now decided she wont walk around naked in front of her boys anymore. Her 5 year old pointed to her bits and said "Yuck that looks like brains!"
..................... not sure what he thinks brains look like??
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