lucy
Full member
finally the fog has lifted and the sun shines brightly yeh!!! in 2006
Posts: 120
|
Post by lucy on Dec 19, 2004 11:29:02 GMT
hi catherine
thanks for taking the time to share your story. it must have been very difficult for you and your family.
thanks for giving me hope that this is an illness that can be cured. i have come to realise it will come from with in, from within my own heart, my mind with strength and determination.
i have had this for over 12 yrs but this the first time that i believe i wont have it forever, each day i take small baby steps towards peace and joy and happy thoughts about normal everydaythings. i take delight in doing the washing and ironing. how crazy is that but for the first time in 12 yrs i feel like i'm present , not struggling to keep my mind from the dark places but just right here in the moment.
i didnt know doing the ordinary could make me feel so extraordinarily happy.
i know i have a way to go and i may alway take medication, i may alway suffer panic and anxiety especially when presented with issues from my past(see my thread) but the thing i have now possibly for the first time in my life both pre & during pni is hope and joy.
now these things i know i can have not in the absence of the trials of pni but in spite of them.
thanks again for your passion and committment to us here on the site.
|
|
jennie
Full member
2 bubs,9 and 4,better though still struggle.
Posts: 59
|
Post by jennie on Dec 19, 2004 12:56:05 GMT
my illness began 8yrs ago I was so ashamed I tried to hid how I was feeling...I felt like a freak ,sapped of everything, when the hv would ask anything else I would say I was tierd ,and how was mum,I'd fill in the not sure box.... the gp had put me on anti depressants because I'd cried..... I lost my job,oded.ended up with a cpn.It took my 12months to open up to her,and another 6months as a day patient at a pyshciatric day hospital with lots of group counselling and art therapy. I wasn't even able to hold a pencil, but learnt to be passionate about art -unlike I have ever been before.
I can only talk about myself... I feel I always struggled with life,always out of zink with others,always suffered with pms,a worrier,needed alcohol for confidence (never went out sober!)Needed confirmation from men that I was attractive...could be pretty wild,
Pni brought all myinsecurities out into the open and amplified them a million times....There was no struggling through anymore...
I have to stop wasting my life making decisions to gain approval.That didn't get me anywhere.I brought a whole lot of baggage into this illness....with a life time of not being good enough....so 28yrs (that's when I had Isabelle)
I'm glad I was ill!Sounds wierd that doesn't it...because I would have gone on struggling in secondary schools!What a waste of my life.
I'm a better artist now,I have a good quality of life...been able to meet lots of interesting ,unusual ,brilliant ,people, tried lots of complimentary therapies., learnt so much about Christianity and the power of the mind..... Without pni my kids would have been with childminders and I'd have worked full time,possibly moving up the career ladder or just becoming more and more enbittered!(cos I was bitter!) I try and take hold of emotions like jelousy and bitterness as I know that is poison to me.,
I have taken medication for 8yrs,I'm sure if I'd sought help before children couselling and meds would have been offered but it's easier to stay in bed for days at a time with "flu /gastrentoritus etc..".when there's no children!I missed a lot of time off work with "Illnesses" and my attendence at college was very erratic!
It's a long journey to learn to believe in myself and to make sure my kids grow into adults who don't need to put in quite so much.
So as you can see my experience is so different to a "straight forward pni"-if there's such a thing.
My whole life was once perminantly dark.....those dark times aren't always apparent to those around me-I've only been unable to take two of my classes since September!
So oviously the more past baggage you bring into this illness the longer and harder it might be...the more you keep things internalised the more the pain will poisn you.
life is never smooth and I'm learning to deal with it better.Last week was a low one for me and I knew some painting would help me but it took me 3 days to begin....I've done 2 watercolours since then and blitz the kids room(whole bin bag of rubbish!)
To tell you the truth I wouldn't want to be anyone else but me!Wow that's amazing....!ThinkI'll start a thread with that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
|
|
|
Post by AC on Dec 20, 2004 8:43:24 GMT
I first read this ' Debate ' last night,and i was shocked to see such anger coming across.
I feel that the whole thread should be deleted from the forum.
This site for me,was my lifeline when i was severley suffering from pni.Being able to share my feelings with other understanding women was such a great help to my wellbeing.I never felt alone.
Catherine......, I think you have said enough with regards to veritee and offering your support to others.Its great that you found APNI so helpfull,and im sure that if anyone on here wishes to use APNI,then they will.
Veritee.......,Thankyou so much for continuing to run such a great site,If it wasnt for this site a few of us would have nowhere to turn to when we need to off load our problems.With regards to ' crisis of conscious ' I know you were not sure whether to explain your past or not,but infact it was a lot of us including the moderators who asked you to explain,and tell us what was bothering you.
I think this whole thread is damaging to the site and needs to be removed.
|
|
|
Post by Veritee on Dec 20, 2004 10:57:24 GMT
Ok I guess this is the right thing - I am reluctant as I have never pulled any threads before except porn and adverts.
But I think you are right and I have to be the police person here and also to police myself as I am the sort of person who always wants to explain and debate the issues. I also have a personal need to defend what I am trying to do here and the forum in general
It is just my nature - I am a word person and actually while this has been damaging to the forum - it has raised some interesting issues for me about what the forum is actually about.
But I do go on sometimes in my efforts to understand things
So if its OK I will delete the negative stuff but explore some of this at some point in the Administrators bit - not as an offload but just my thoughts about how this forum works. Perhaps I will work on a short document that clarifies what this forum can be and what it can not and what it isn't.
I will delete all my stuff and the negative stuff and but leave this for a while by way of explanation and leave Catherine’s original post as before I butted in she was offering some valuable support.
I hope this is the right thing to do
All the best
Veritee
PS just deleted what I thought I had the right to delete and what was best to delete.
You are all of course welcome to delee any of your own posts but I really hated deleting other peoples.
I hated doing it as I have never done this before and hope I never will have to again
|
|
|
Post by francoise on Dec 20, 2004 13:15:28 GMT
hi veritee , got to agree with ac, i was going to suggest it to this morning , you have done the right thing by deleting it veritee , dont feel bad about it , it was a must . I think your story though should stay , im interested in it to and i would like to know more about you , please dont worry though you do have friends on here ,lots of them that love you. love fran
|
|