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Post by carolgibbons on Mar 23, 2004 1:45:27 GMT
It's back again! - Well it never really goes away does it? What I meant to say is :- the intrusive thoughts are back! I've only had 2 weeks of feeling okay, when will this f****** misery end? I really don't think I can do this anymore! Michael (6) just woke up (1am) with one of his dreams and I just couldn't cope with it! I'm so angry that he's woken me up that I feel like killing him ( really killing him - intrusive thoughts are showing me images of me suffocating him or stabbing him and I can't make them go away!!! ) I'm being brutally honest with you all in the hope that someone out there can help me through this - please? Last month I wanted to kill myself, this month I just..........( crying now ) want to kill my son! I can't believe I'm actually typing this - I feel that someone will read it and come and take me away - maybe that would be for the best? I can't go through this every month, it's destroying my life! Is anyone online??? Please talk to me if you are - I need help right now! - Yours in desperation, Carol Oh this is f****** ridiculous, who's gonna be up at 1.30am??? I'm sorry folks I just don't know what else to do! Maybe I should just go and tell Ian ( husband ) but I can't keep him awake too it wouldn't be fair - but I really don't want to be on my own feeling like this!
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me
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by me on Mar 23, 2004 1:57:40 GMT
come on! - somebody is out there reading this, I know you are! please, please talk to me? Carol X
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Post by carolgibbons on Mar 23, 2004 2:21:34 GMT
okay - I'm going to make some hot milk before I check this again - then if there's no reply I'll just have to wake Ian up - I know I sound desperate, I am! Carol X
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Post by Wendy on Mar 23, 2004 3:43:21 GMT
Hi Carol
I'm so sorry to hear that you having such a dreadful time. I feel rather helpless as I'm probably in a different country to you and haven't of course met you. But I am here and I do care.
Please get help immediately from someone you trust. Phone someone urgently or wake your husband. You need to get away from your child a.s.a.p and leave them in someone's safe care.
Please write again and reassure me that everything's safe.
Wendy
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Post by newwie on Mar 23, 2004 8:22:43 GMT
Hi, I hope you are ok, i know how bad it can get myself but i have found as i am a lone parent it is better to leave them by themself safe in their cot and walk away till you ave calmed down and feel a bit better. If i have learned something this weekend its not to be afraid to tell somethings to someone and ask for help. I just hope your having a better day today
Hugs Newwie XX
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Caroline
Full member
mother of 16 months old son, 7 months pregnant
Posts: 102
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Post by Caroline on Mar 23, 2004 8:58:34 GMT
Dear Carol, I'm so sorry to hear that you have had such a rough night and hope you finally did wake your husband or had someone else to talk to and hug you. Anything is better (even an argument with your husband after you've woken him up?!) than to stay on your own with these thoughts. I'm really sorry that you couldn't find "immediate response" in the forum or anywhere you were looking for it- you are so often here for me/us and encourage us so well that it is such a pity that you had to be on your own when you needed someone to encourage and comfort and listen to you . I hope Wendy's message reached you in time to feel not so utterly alone and going insane- I'm afraid I am no expert in these intrusive thoughts, my depression is mostly purely depression and the thoughts intruded only in the first couple of weeks but I do remember them clearly and still have horrible thoughts at night; it has something to do with nighttime, I feel, because then everything is quiet (apart from the children ) and you easily feel isolated and cut off and as if entering a different reality on a night island that's only inhabited by you. That's at least how I experience it, not only since PND but known from any anxious phase in my life before- nighttime distorts your fears, blows them out of dimension, a bit like dreams can do. Talking helps so much- don't be afraid of your worst fears and thoughts, it can bring you back into reality, that means: back to the anger that you felt at first- all the reason you have for that, sleep is being "stolen" from you and we all know how we desperately need it!-and away from the anger turned into the urge to murder (sorry for my expressions). It's not the anger what's the problem but more what you (I-we) can and will do with it. I think Newwie is right: going out of the room is a good choice and trying to get calm again and reminding yourself that it is those horrid nighttimes that make it worse. Taking deep breaths and reminding yourself of your sanity and your right to be angry. I'm sure those women here who experienced the worst thoughts (centering around killing) and recovered from them can/could/will reassure you that the thoughts do go away eventually; you will get over them. My nighttime thoughts are milder, but nonetheless desperate and spinning around the same things all over again. Whenever I sink as low as considering to kill myself as an option to end it all (which doesn't happen too often, thanks God) it is and was ALWAYS not only a cry for help but also the wish to radically change something in my life- a signal that I was on the wrong track in one area, a sort of impasse. I hope I don't sound too detached or arrogant but it helped me an awful lot to consider my worst phases and fears as "signals" and "messages" - sometimes not; sometimes simply wait until they're replaced by something else. I'm afraid this is not much help to you in retrospect. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry that I wasn't around- when I was really, really desperate one time my one friend that I made here in the forum was there for me- and it made all the difference for that night. I felt understood and cared for - and could go back to sleep. I'm just so sorry that this didn't happen to you last night, too; or maybe it did? Let me/us know how you're doing, please, and be good to yourself. You will get better. LoveXXX; Caroline
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Post by Veritee on Mar 23, 2004 9:34:12 GMT
I am so sorry I was not there for you when you so needed some response.
What you said was so familiar to me. Many nights I planned my child’s death, thought of all scenarios and ways of committing it without actually causing her any pain. One of my worse ones was planning to take a large horse injection needle ( I had a horse with arthritis at the time who needed to be injected daily with painkillers and so I had all the equipment needed) and put it up the back of my babies neck into her brain - gruesome isnt it but I am sure other thoughts are just as disgusting. Over the years running this site I have heard worse than this!
These thoughts would come to me unbidden and certainly not encouraged - as if I was possessed. Often if I had a period without them when they returned they were stronger than ever and usually I had no one to wake up as my husband was thousands of miles away at sea and I live in a remote farmhouse. However the spaces without them got more and more and also it helped the older my child got also.
I could so easily have physically have done what I was thinking. It would have been over in a minute and no one could have stopped me. But writting this I realise as I did deep down inside then that I never would have done it. I would have got in the car and driven myself to the police rather than harm my child - but it is this awlful feeling that you could lose control somehow and the terribleness of your thoughts which is so hard to live through. The guilt of just haing them is hard to live with alone - but I got through and so will you!
All I can say is while it does not feel like this at the time ( it feels like you will suddenly lose control and act on these thoughts and kill your child) But you will not and they are just thoughts, which is no less distressing, but I feel true.
I have every confidence that like mine your child/children will grow up unharmed by you or anyone, loved and in no way aware of what you were thinking unless at a later date you choose to tell them.
As others have said - wake your husband/partner up his anger is better than suffering alone - a row would divert your mind. Ring some of the help numbers I have given you - even samaritans are fine for this. Ring up a friend - write on this site even if no one replies. I used to write to an e mail friend in Canada and it was days before I got a reply - but writting it still helped.
I have to go now I will catch up later Veritee
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Lainey
Full member
First time mum to Rebecca who is 21 months. Suffered PNI for a year and a half - now recovered
Posts: 108
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Post by Lainey on Mar 23, 2004 19:53:18 GMT
Hi Carol
I am so sorry you had such a terrible time this morning, your poor love. How are you feeling now?
I noticed in your posting you said you couldn't take this 'every month' Do you find the intrusive thoughts are more prolific during your period? The reason I ask is that this is exactly how I was. On about the 20th of each month, wham I would just wake up and knew I was going downhill. All the horrid thoughts about my daugther and partner returned, I felt fearful, didn't want to do anything and just felt dreadful. This lasted for about a week and a half and then suddenly went as soon as it had arrived. Each month these thoughts have got a little less intense and then last month I did not have any of these thoughts and felt great for the whole month. I have to say I did get a few dodgy days this weekend and yesterday, but again this must have been down to PMT and I had quite a stressful time.
You are desperately in need of sleep as your poor mind can never rest. Whereas when we normally sleep our mind sorts out all the worries and fears we had during the day, your little mind is not getting the chance cause you cannot sleep. You must be exhausted both mentally and physically. Is there any chance you can leave your little one with a friend or relative and just get a good bout of sleep? Easier said than done I know but you poor thing you really need some sleep.
Once again soooo sorry that you had to suffer alone, I hope you did wake hubby. As Caroline so rightly said, you are so supportive to us on this site and to know that you felt so rotten this morning and were so alone is heartbreaking.
Thinking of you.
Love and big big hugs
Elaine xxx
PS Just a thought - have you ever tried a relaxation tape. I got one when I couldn't sleep and I have to say it did calm my mind and enabled me to sleep a lot more soundly. xxx
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Post by susie on Mar 23, 2004 21:05:06 GMT
Hi Carol,
I am so sad to hear of your bad night, I wish I had been here to help you through it, you have been such a great support to me. I hope that you did wake your husband up and didnt go through it all alone. I know this is all a bit late really, but just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I am thinking of you take care Susie
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Post by yorkslass on Mar 23, 2004 21:31:18 GMT
Hi Carol
I am often awake late at night please feel free to email me night or day.
I want to be here to help others as they are helping me.
My email is on my profile
Take care mel x
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Post by susie on Mar 23, 2004 21:35:35 GMT
Hi Carol I meant to say earlier, good luck for tomorrrow, its your appointment isnt it? I hope it goes well and let us know how you are doing hugs Susie x
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Post by susie on Mar 23, 2004 21:36:45 GMT
Hi Carol I meant to say earlier, good luck for tomorrrow, its your appointment isnt it? I hope it goes well and let us know how you are doing hugs Susie x
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Post by carolgibbons on Mar 24, 2004 10:10:03 GMT
Hello everyone who posted on my latest thread! Thank you so much for all your kind words, support, encouragement and advice - I needed it big time and it has helped me a great deal! I did wake Ian (husband) and he was a saint / tower of strength! He sat with me and we talked / cried / hugged until I was so exhausted I fell asleep! He also took the morning off work and got the kids up, breakfasted, dressed and off to school while I slept - what a hero eh? I phoned my parents and they have come down from Yorkshire to stay for a few days to support me through this tough time! It's amazing how people come up trumps when you really need them isn't it? I do have this tough time every month about 8 days before my period is due. I usually have 3/4 really bad days with intrusive thoughts and hardly any sleep due to insomnia followed by 4/5 moderately bad days when I am very fragile and totally exhausted! I then go back to my 'normal' depression which I have got used to coping with : - tearfulness / irritable / confused / anxious - this lasts for about a week and then I actually feel okay for about two weeks!!! As you can see my P.N.I. is very cyclical - Is anyone else like this? My appointment with a new (private) consultant psych. is today and I'm in a bit of a state so I hope it goes okay - I'll let you all know how I get on. Once again thanks for all your help / support, you are all wonderful and I hope I can do the same for you one day (However, what I really hope is that you all recover soon and won't need help, until then I'll be here to help you too!) Take Care - Big Hugs - Carol X X X
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Post by yorkslass on Mar 24, 2004 12:50:48 GMT
Hi Carol
I am so pleased that you got through that night, and that your parents are coming to stay you have got a great suport network.
But dont forget email me anytime day or night I will be here for you as will we all. Take care your friend Melx
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Lainey
Full member
First time mum to Rebecca who is 21 months. Suffered PNI for a year and a half - now recovered
Posts: 108
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Post by Lainey on Mar 24, 2004 13:30:10 GMT
Hi Carol
So glad you are feeling a little better. Good on hubby for being so supportive and its great that you will have your mum and dad around also. But most important good on you for taking action, telling hubby and getting your parents round.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling dreadful before, during and after your period. My bad times are now getting less and less, but I have had a rough time this month and so appreciate everything you said.
Hope things are a little easier for you and try and catch up on your sleep.
With much love
Elaine xxx
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