Feeling down again

[Annie]

I had a really good day yesterday! It was my daughter's school fete and I went to the cinema with my sister(saw 'The Butterfly Effect'-brilliant!) so I really felt 'normal' again. But I have got up today and feel really flat and down. It's like everything has come back to me!I feel like I can't let myself be happy.Is this normal for PNI?I have never had PNI before so I feel really strange and don't know what is Pni and what is me anymore.I have been like this for so long I can't remember what I was like before.I just can't forgive myself for 'intrusive thoughts' that I have had and don't know how I will ever do that. Feel so guilty.Feel like lying down and giving up.It is like there is a brick wall in front of me and I'm never going to get over it(forgive me for being so visual!it is the only way I can describe how I feel)

Am I ever going to come to terms with this?

Annie xx

[susie]

Hi Annie,

So sorry that you are feeling down again, I have found that that is what happens, I have a few good days then a bad one and gradually the space between the bad days has gotten bigger. I am going for counselling at the moment and we are working on the guilt that I have been left feeling because of what I feel I have missed out on and my kids have missed out on while I have been ill.

I think that you just have to take it a day at a time, I found that the bad days seem worse after a few good days but I tried hard on a better day to tell myself that it had been a bad day, I had done my best and to move on

Anyway, hope the day gets better for you, let us know how you are getting on, take care of yourself and try not to be too hard on yourself, I think its quite a long road till you fully recover so give yourself time,

best wishes

Susie
x

[Caroline]

Hi Annie,

I am sorry that you are having a bad day today/this morning- don't let it drag you down, you will fully recover, it just doesn't happen over night and as quickly as most of us wish .
I know from my past depressed phases, one even lasting about 2-3 years, that I got much better over a long period of time; this was not PNI but full-blown (?) depression and I feel that my PNI - which brought depression back in a sense, something I thought I would never see to that extent again- is much less striong than right in the beginning. I still have (too) many bad days, but the good ones glimpse in now and then and hopefully more often. It is strange, though, that on bad days it's hard for me to imagine how a good day feels like and on good days it's the other way around (so limited is human imagination...).
You're doing the right things, having an evening for yourself- don't forget how you felt going to the cinema: You are STILL able to have these good feelings, they're still there, unfortunately on many days buried or out of reach, but they nevertheless exist.
I don't know if or how much you've found out about the things that help you- for instance, do you take medication? For me as for Susie counselling was very good, but I had to stop it because of the move. Or listening to my favourite music helps, or screaming into my pillow or writing things down or calling someone I like and trust. Don't forget these things on a bad day and maybe you can try them (without any pressure).
It's not your fault- and it certainly is you mixed with PNI- you still know what you like (good films, for example) and hold on to that; please don't feel guilty.

All the best,
XXXX Caroline

[yorkslass]

HI

I just want to let you know weeks ago I hit a brick wall,
it may not be the same brick wall as you my thread(my horrible night) but know the brick wall is slowley coming down brick by brick and know i can see over the top of tht brick wall. I have a long way to go but I know we will all pull that brick wall down one day.


Mel x

[deborah]

Hi Annie,

Yes its very very normal to feel the way you do. When you get a 'good' day yuo will have used up your emotional 'reserves' and energy. I don't know if you do this (as i did alot) but when i was in company even family i would feel i ought to make and effore and i'd put my 'mask' on. My mask was my make-up and i'd look so 'normal' even now on photos looking back I do look ok. BUT i can see in my eyes how i was 'not right'. I would put so much effort into the day as i didn't want to spoinl things for ,my family and little girl .(when i had it the second time)
The next day would be hell for me. I would be so uptight. like someone had wound me up. i had a ''knot '' in my throat i was sooo anxious, and i would be very tired but i couldn't settle and rest.
This used to last for a few days up to a week at times until i began to feel better on the increased dose of tablets and the fact that i began to recognise 'my pattern'.
So for every day i had 'energy' or went out in my mask
i made sure i had some time off to myself- or in your case doing what ever makes you feel better, because you do expend alot of your emotions when you are out and about.
The fact you are beginning to feel more 'normal' is a very good sign. Its the start of your recovery!
Did you get to see yor GP about increasing your dose of anti D's??
The fact you say you don't know where you begin and the PNI ends (i'm paraphrasing) is indicative of PNI and a very common symptom.
It will pass and you will recognise yourself again when you are fully recovered. YOU will come to the forefront of your mind again i can honestly say that.

Annie I know the intrusive thoughts are upsetting you but i spoke to a new mum who has PNI( but has not had the 'courage' to 'phone me yet until yesterday, she had my number from another branches NCT Newsletter)
she mentioned something very similar to what you told me so if we can talk or you can contact me or me contact you next wek (you say when) i can tell you about it if thats ok??

Let me try and reassure you that you will get over this. The 'brick wall' analogy is a good one. That is just how it felt to me, only the wall encircled me and i felt i would never get out of it.
Take each hour at a time. Do the things which make you comfortable and secure.Tell yourself i will get through this and literally take it one day at a time. Try and plan for your outings. If you take a day out then make sure you take 2 or 3 days to do what you need to do- ie arrange for yuor children to go to someone for their tea.dinner whatever you wish to call it, so that yuo and your youngest can be alone together for as long as possible. This will keep your stress to a minimum until you have the strength to cope with the busy family life which children at school age throw at you.
let me know how you are getting on. You know hwere i am if you need to chat. Love deborah xx

[Annie]

Thank you so much for your replies, it really really helps.It's another bad day today but I won't go on again.Deborah can I phone you for a chat sometime this week.I've got my first psychiatrist appt tomorrow(Tues)so I'll wait till after then.So nervous about that!I've never seen one before and it feels so weird that I'm going to see one.But I also feel like I'm pinning all my hopes on it too 'cos I can't see any thing else that may help.

Thanks again I'll keep posting-it's keeping me sane!

Annie xx

[deborah]

Hi Annie
of course you can. Please try not to be nervous about the psychiatrist.
They are trained medical doctors who specialise in PNI. I'm assuming they are going to your local hospital (Ilk'n?) from MBU?
Ask if they are MBU doctors as they normally rotate through there on their experience at DCHospital.

They will ask you some general questions and how you have come to feel as you do now. Try to go alone without the baby if possible as its difficult to talk and care for a little one at the same time.
They just want to help and i'm sure you 'll find it not as bad as you thought.

Good luck, and call me .
Love
Debs xx

[Annie]

Well I had my psych appt today and it was AWFUL!!!I'm sure he was very qualified and very clever, but he hadn't a clue about people skills! It was a 20 min chat where he asked me when and how it all started and I told him (getting extremely upset in the process.)He just nodded his head a lot and upped my dosage to 40mg.He didn't ask me about the birth or anything and was so distant and vague.I felt worse when I came out than a week ago.I had really hoped it would help today and I might feel a little relief but i didn't. I ended up not bothering to say half of what I wanted to say because I felt it was all useless.
AAAHHH I just don't know what to do now. I thought if anyone could help me he could.My sister came in with me and even she said it was useless so I know it's not just me.

Annie xx

[susie]

Hi Annie,

I am not sure what to say as nothing seems like it would be much help! I am sorry that you didnt get what you had hoped for today, hopefully with your medication changed though you will start to feel a bit better soon, are you due to go back to the psych?

take care

Susie
x

[Caroline]

Hi Annie,

sorry to hear that you didn't feel understood at all on your first meeting with the psychiatrist. I am also not sure in which way I could give you an advice, because it might be the wrong one- only YOU can decide if you want to see the psych again or not and if you give him (and yourself) the second chance of meeting and understanding.
When I had my first appointment with a psychiatrist during my first severe crisis a loooong time ago, I vividly remember that I felt puzzled, dissapointed and not understood either. I, too, had built up many hopes and expectations before the first meeting and was totally surprised by his questions and remember thinking all the time "What is he getting at? Why is he asking me this?- For instance, my associations with the colour "brown" - This doesn't help me a bit". And I also rememeber feeling very stuck and unable to say all the things that I considered vital for me to tell him- so that he could understand and help me. Well, the end of the story is: I did give him/me a second chance, out of sheer despair and not knowing whereelse to turn and out of laziness probably, too (couldn't be bothered to look for another one...), and went back. On and on and after two years the therapy was over and I had started to feel much better without really realizing it. He did turn out as someone who could surprise AND help me in the end, although he clearly coudn't work miracles on me and although it took a while till I trusted him completely.
This is only part of my story.
If you really really feel he's all crap and you took an instant disliking to him- then I probably wouldn't go back either. But if you "only" feel disappointed because you had expected much more and you think there MIGHT be a chance that you can trust him- then I would give it another go to find out for sure.

Hope this was a bit of a help,
all the best to you,
XXX Caroline

[Caroline unlogged]

Sorry Annie,
I must have pressed strange buttons when typing-
hope you can still decipher most .

XXX Caroline