Bad dreams

[nic]

Hiya everyone

I was wondering if anyone had advice. You see i havent been sleeping to good for a while now, i constantly think all night-mostly bad stuff. But recently i have been having really bad nightmares.

I dreamt that i was dead, but i was watching over my boyfriend and H, and my boyfriend went out and got a new girlfriend straight away.This woman was really horrible to H behind my boyfriends back, and in my dream i could do nothing to help H, she was crying out for me and i could do nothing.That dream wasnt too bad- it was a bit hazey.

Last night was the worst.

(Please dont read this if you are unhappy)

I have been having really terrible thoughts for a long time,sometimes they are about H, which scares me, but mainly they are about me dying-at the minute i would rather be dead (sorry if this offends anyone) I feel that if i get pushed any further with this illness i will snap and i dont know what i will do.

I have planned what will happen if i have enough, i have bought the pills and have even hid a razor just incase.

I dont think i would act on my thoughts about H, but the ones about myself are starting to seep out.

But last night my dream was so real, and in detail, it was horrific.I wont say what happened because it is quite morbid.But i woke up crying-i thought it was real- i thought i had killed myself and H.

My boyfriend tried to calm me and tell me it wasnt real.

But i have not been able to shake it off all day.

I know people say we will not act out what we think- but i am terrified- i dont think i could control myself if i got really upset.

It feels as though i cant tell what is real and what isnt anymore, am i loosing it? am i starting to go mad?

Someone please tell me, i cant trust my own mind at the minute

Thanx for listening
Love nic xx

[Liz]

Hi Nic,

I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful right now. We are all with you and can understand how you're feeling, and I know personally that there's nothing scarier. Firstly, please remember that these feelings will pass, I promise you they will. You are not losing it, it's this horrid illness trying to make you think you are, but you are strong enough not to let it beat you. I know you don't feel strong right now, but believe that you are. You've come this far and got through. And you will get through this too.

I know you don't really want to be dead. What you want is for these awful feelings of anxiety to stop, and that is the only way you can imagine that they will. You know that killing yourself isn't the answer. Holly needs her Mummy. She loves you and she needs you. Nobody could ever love her like you do, because nobody else will ever be her Mum. When this illness passes you will look back at this terrible time and be so glad you didn't do anything silly. You will be happy again, I promise you will.

You need to talk to someone and let them know you're at the end of your tether. Please tell your boyfriend, someone in your family, or a friend. You haven't let anyone down, least of all yourself.

Always tell yourself the bad feelings aren't real. Push them from your mind and don't give them headspace. Tell yourself you are strong and won't be beaten, but please, please talk to someone. Ring someone right now if you can.

All of us on here care. You will never be on your own.
Take care, lots of love and hugs,
Liz xxx

[yorkslass]

nic

I not so long ago felt as bad as you and i did a horrid thing, maybe you have read my thread it is called somthing like my horried night I took an an OD.

It affected my okdest daughter even though she did not know what i did as I had the police and paramedics here. Please call someone Debbie of this site is great she is so good, or even call me you have my number I am free and on my own tonight I will be on the net but i can always come of to chat to you my freind, I feel close to you and feel that you have become a good freind, please find help dont leave it too late like me.

If for no one else do it for H


Melxx

[Veritee]

Hi Nic

Can I ask if your boyfriend is back yet or are you still alone.

I ask this because my thoughts increased when my husband went away to sea. In retrospect I now know that they where a sort of panic reaction – a panic attack.

When something like this is happening it seems such an awful thing - I am not saying it is not but if it happens more when you are left on your own for a few days – it can be a reaction to this – a cry for help because the person you rely on has gone out the door.

However I agree with Liz and Mel you really need to confide in people who care about you as to how bad these thoughts and dreams are becoming for you – why should you suffer this alone and perhaps if you open up to your closest people it could be a start to getting some other help - perhaps counselling.

I do not say this for a moment that I think you will act on your thoughts and do anything to H, but there is a risk that you will do something to yourself, as I think you have before from reading your past posts – Is this right?

In my experience women who have the horrible experience of this type of intrusive thoughts rarely do anything to their children but it is not unknown for some to self harm or actually try to kill themselves.

I am not wishing to make you feel worse as your experience probably has been some sort of panic attack but it is better to look these possibilities in the face so you can make sure that you get the help you need.

Ironically the desire to harm yourself is often triggered by feelings of guilt and horror, that you could have thoughts about your child or other loved ones.

Apart from the risk you may harm yourself I would hate you to go through months of these thoughts without relief and help.

I did just this and while I actually did neither myself nor anyone else any physical harm it we a living hell that I would not wish on anyone.

I know you have not had the reaction you would hope for from your GP etc.
What I did in the end because I could neither get appropriate help from my GP, social services etc and did not trust what was offered was I went to private counselling.

It did cost but it really was money well spent and it took the pressure off so I could deal with things better and be assertive enough to get the help I needed.

Having the private counselling broke the ice for me and I later had some counselling psychotherapy from the NHS via a child and family centre.

What was true for me and can be for other women who have severe intrusive and violent thoughts or dreams is that they may have suffered some sort of abuse themselves in child hood that has been at least in part buried, had a frightening experience whereby they felt unsafe, or for other reasons are seriously scared they can not keep their child safe.

Some of that was certainly true for me but I am not suggesting this is your experience as people are very complicated and things affect everyone differently, but it is why I would advise – if you have such serious and disrupting thoughts as you are getting, that you try to have counselling.

They may not just go away on their own and you may need some psychotherapy –or at the very least a lot of effective support – to break the pattern.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need to – Deborah and Mel have already offered to chat to you on the phone and you can ring me it you feel it would help.

Please take up their offers as they do want to help. Perhaps you could chat in the chat room?
Have you got a telephone counsellor from the APNI ( I have forgotten ) this really can help.
Are you the Navy wife who lives in Cornwall -Sorry but I have a lousy memory I have probably got it completely wrong and your partner is not even a seaman, however he does go away to work doesn’t he?

The reason I ask is because I am trying to make links with a local counselling course so we can have some fact to face counselling available – but this is only some good if you are in Cornwall.

Please talk to people you trust about this
All the best

Veritee

[nic]

Hi

Thankyou liz and mel for your replies.

I just feel so desperate at the minute.

The horrible thoughts i get feel out of control. Everytime i go in to the kitchen and see a knife, the thoughts rush in, or if i have a glass of wine all i can think of is smashing the glass and driving it into my arms, or if i am ironing i want to put the iron to my arm,leg,face-anything just to take my mind off the pain and thoughts.

I am too scared to be alone with H
I am too scared to be on my own.

When my boyfriend went away for 3 days last week i couldnt cope (he has been away longer-6months at a time) I ended up getting very angry and upset with myself, i cut my leg badly.

My boyfriend thinks that because he has been away for 6 months in canada recently and i coped and i didnt harm myself then i should be able to cope any other time he has to go away. But i cant, that was the final straw.

I do feel like i am loosing it, i want to hide in the wardrobe and never come out or bang my head on a wall till the bad stuff comes out and i am me again.

Please can someone make this go away, i am sick of hurting C and H

Love nic

xx

[nic]

Hi Veritee

Thankyou for replying, it means alot to me. I think i must have been replying to mel and liz thread when you replied to mine and i might have answered some of the things you asked.

My boyfriend came back on thursday, but he has had terrible blisters on his feet from doing a hill walking course in wales-so i have been running around trying to keep him off his feet.

I do panic when he goes away, usually a couple of days before i end up hysterical and hurt myself, sometimes i dont think how much he realises it hurts me when he leaves (now i'm crying- i cant see the screen)

I do self harm,but recently it has been getting worse as i begin to want everything to end.

I have tried counselling but when i have to speak to people face to face or on the phone its like i loose my memory, i forget what i am feeling because i am trying to act normal- i find it hard to be open about this apart from on here because it feels like no one is judging me or analising me.

I spoke with deborah the other night and i couldnt be honest, truely honest.I feel bad because i wanted help and she tried but i wasnt giving her the full stop i feel.

I have been meaning to get a telephone counsellor from the APNI, but i have got the guts to yet, i know it sounds daft.

Both myself and my partner are in the army.

Thankyou again veritee,mel and liz,

Love nic xx

[Calmer]

Hi Nic

do you have anyone you have bonded with on this site that you could talk to? For some reason it is so much easier writing it down that speaking it.

I could never speak to anyone face to face - i would just say 'yes, im fine...' you know the sort of thing. The only way i managed to get how i was feeling accross was to sit and think about it by myself and write it down and take the piece of paper to my docs.

It did feel a bit silly, but it worked.

You could have a private chat with someone in the chat room if you feel you dont want everyone on here to know what you have to say?

Well - best wishes
C x

[susie]

Hi Nic,

I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are having such a hard time right now, please do talk to someone about how you have been feeling, or as Calmer said write it down, I know how hard it is to get past the pretence of being "fine" when you talk to people, it took me ages to get into counselling because I just couldnt feel it when I was sitting there, in the end I too wrote down how I had been feeling and found that easier.

I hope that you find a way of getting support that works for you, we are all here for you,

take care of yourself

Susie
x

[Annie]

Hi Nic

I really understand how you feel. I too have had horrible thoughts and like you am finding them very difficult to live with . I totally understand your wanting to bang your head until the bad stuff comes out!I personally want to wake up tomorrow and find it has all been a bad dream and I am back to the mum I was (this is my third baby.)My thoughts are of such a horrible nature that it has made me question myself as a person. I feel like I have lost all my confidence with my children and I will never get it back.I just want you to know you are not alone in this I too feel disgusted with myself that such thoughts could enter my head.I have thought about ending it all but my children keep me here.Don't forget children need their mums.

Annie xx

[deborah]

Nic,

I know you were not being honest with me the other night and i know it takes time to ''open up''.

This is normal but now you have give this another go.
I am here most nights (my line was engaged for quite a while on sunday night) and if things are getting bad please, please call me.

Children need there mother. The devastation you would leave behind for your husband and children, they need you and they love you. Never underestimate the effects on those left behind.
Would it help if I spoke to your GP/doctor on your behalf?
Is there anything i could do to get you through this?

I understand you are frightened and upset and feeling very alone. I have been there too, so have alot of us on here.
Please Nic give me a call, you need decent medication, proper care and counselling support to get you through this. CALL ME.
I'm here now (0012) if you read this an want to talk ok??
Love
DeborahXxxxXx

[nic]

Hi

Thankyou for taking the time to reply deborah, i know you are very busy.

I felt terrible the other night after we spoke, i felt like i had wasted your valuable time and missed a chance to get help, i am so sorry for not opening up.

I find it really hard to put into words how i feel when i speak to people face to face or on a phone. When i write on this site everything just floods out-i could ramble on for hours. Some of the threads i have read describe exactly how i feel-i feel as though someone has read my mind and written it down for me.

I have been thinking over the past week what i have done wrong to feel like this.

I know i laugh and joke with my boyfriend sometimes that i will have been married, divorced, had a baby, and moved house three times before i am 21. Some people dont do these things in a life time. I know that these are supposed to be the most stressfull times of your life- i have done them all in the space of three years.

I only joke about it to try and make him think i'm ok, but i feel so stupid and nieve (dont know if thats spelt right)

I dont feel as though i would be missed if i was dead, i think H and C would be better of without the miserable cow that has taken my place. I dont feel as though i will ever truely recover and feel like ME again.

I would love for someone to chat with my GP but as you know from the other night about my job, they dont like outsiders(people who dont work for my employer) telling them what they should be doing(i dont mean that in a nasty way-my HV tried to speak with them and they basically told her to go away it had nothing to do with her-its like they want to have control over everything)

If you have a magic wand and could make this all go away i would be very gratefull

I think the support i have recieved from yourself, veritee and the girls will be more than enough to get me through. I just hope i can return the favour to someone one day.

I would love to have a proper chat, but i am affraid my head will go blank and i will clam up, its not that i cant talk to you-your voice if very friendly and i feel like i can trust you even though we havent met-but i just cant express what i am going through in words.

I hope this makes sense

Thankyou again

Love nic xx

[deb not logged]

Nic thats ok. I fully understand i would be feeling the same way if i had someone to talk to .

The chatroom is good so if i get a moment i will go on there tonight. If you just want to talk to the others thats ok.

I realise 'my way' of dealing with this issue can be hard as some of the questions i ask are designed to make you think about why you feel this way.
it is to help you face some issues so you can take control of your life, and by reading about PNI. getting answers to your issues/problems and by havinf the women on here support you thruogh this by whatever means ie comparing symptoms or just offering you a hug over cyberspace (LOL!!) it all collectively helps you get though this illness.

All i say is this: If yuo ever get so low and you really need to talk you have the numbers of people to call. You didn't waste my time at all. I could 'feel' your despair as i can the others on here as i have been where you are too.
Yes i am over it but i shall never ever forget what it is like as its the worst experience i 've ever had in my life.
And to prevent it happening again (Confession time from me...!!!)
I have been sterilised as i was so scared of having another baby (as i am a broody mum!! and i love babies)
the birth isfine and i was lucky to 'bond' at once and its such a 'high' for me i feel as if i'm in heaven. Its the weeks after i descend into hell and would end up back on mum and baby unit wishing i was dead...
I couldn't put my family or myself through that again never. So as i am sterilised the chances of PNI happening are very remote as no pregnancy can occur.

So back to the point..! Yes don't worry no tome is ever wasted we can always talk again if necessary ok??
Lots of love and do what makes yuo happy and what is best for you.
Love
Deborah XXxxXX