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Post by Annie on Aug 19, 2004 21:32:40 GMT
I am seeking reassurance again. I have had a few really bad days. My mind seems to torment me all the time. Does anyone else feel like this? Because of the thoughts I have had I have managed to convince myself that my love for my eldest daughter has mutated in some way and I have become a monster. I don't feel comfortable when she is around and it is breaking my heart. I feel like I am in a nightmare world of my own. Perhaps I have finally gone berserk and I am beyond help.I don't think I deserve to be a mum anymore .I would really appreciate some reassurance at the moment. Very very low Annie
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Post by Annie on Aug 20, 2004 7:50:46 GMT
As no one has replied I imagine you all think I am a bad person and beyond help. I won't post again.
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Post by AC on Aug 20, 2004 7:56:31 GMT
Hi Annie,
Please dont feel you shouldnt post again.
I try not to use the site as much as i used to,but right now,i am feeling incredibly low,and just need to express my feelings,to be honest it doesnt matter to me,if i get a reply or not,just being able to let my feelings out helps me.
I have been having a few bad weeks,and like you feel a failure as a mum, i dont deserve to have my son,he is soooooo good,andi still complain and cant cope.
Sorry i cant give you any reassasurance you need,as i cant think positive right now,but all i can say is that a lot of us feel exactly the same as you,i know i do.And it is this nasty illness that is causing you to feel like this.
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Post by yorkslass on Aug 20, 2004 11:56:48 GMT
Annie
I think I know how you feel towards your daughter as I have had these feelings towards my oldest as maybe i have said in past posts, she has bad behaviour and i feel that this is down to me and i say things to her i know i should not and have thoughts towards her that are not nice.
you said this Because of the thoughts I have had I have managed to convince myself that my love for my eldest daughter has mutated in some way and I have become a monster. I don't feel comfortable when she is around and it is breaking my heart. I feel like I am in a nightmare world of my own. Perhaps I have finally gone berserk and I am beyond help.I don't think I deserve to be a mum anymore . I too feel the same towards my oldest daughter.
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We have a lot of ladies on the site who are guests and some of them may feel they are not ready to reply and some people are just not sure what to say at times.
Sometimes when i am feeling low I come on the site look at the new threads and want to reply but i am just unsure of how to put down in words what i want to say and often come back later to reply.
Also i have noticed somedays no one much is around and other days i see lots f ladies answering post so dont worry that you have not had a reply sometimes as you will at some point, and although maybe for example you have had 10 people looking at your thread and not one reply it get you in poeples thoughts and they will maybe come vback to reply when they feel able to.
Hope i have helped and not upset you in any way
melxx
Please please keep posting as i do try to make sure that every one dose get a reply. i come on the forum most nights but unfortunatlylast night i was not too well I did not come on but if I had I would have replyed.
Melx
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Post by susie on Aug 20, 2004 12:03:46 GMT
Hi Annie,
I hope that you do read this and keep posting, I am so sorry that no-one had replied to your thread by the time you checked back again, I dont think that you are a bad person at all. I haven't replied to many of your threads before as I havent really had much experience with bad thoughts, however I do know what it is like to feel like you aren't yourself and that you can't be the mother that you wanted to be. I know that it doesnt help when people tell you that you will get through it but you will, I never used to believe that either, I thought that things would always be different with my second child, but now I am well I see things differently. I am not sure really where you are at medication wise, maybe you need to go back to your gp? Have you had any counselling? Sorry Annie, I don't really know where you are at right now so its hard to be helpful, but I wish I could send you a hug, we do care about you. Take care
Susie x
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Bear24 not logged on
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Post by Bear24 not logged on on Aug 20, 2004 12:13:40 GMT
Hi Annie
I have only just managed to get on the site now (I live in Australia) so I'm sorry I have taken so long to reply to you. You have been a great source of comfort to me while I battle this illness and I hope to return the favour to you.
Annie, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not believe for one minute that you are a monster! These thoughts are not a reflection of you - they are being caused by an illness.
Can I ask who is treating you for PNI? Is it your local doctor or are you seeing a Psychiatrist? I am being treated by a Perinatal Psychiatrist who diagonosed me with Post Natal Depression AND Obsessive Compulsive Disorder brought on by the PND. I was taking Cipramil for the PND as directed by my GP, but while it helped lessen the depression, it did nothing for the obsessive thoughts. It was then I went to the Psychiatrist who changed my meds to Zoloft, which she believes is more effective in treating obsessive or intrusive thoughts.
It took a few months, and a gradual increase from 25mgs to 200mgs, but I am now finding relief from the thoughts. I'm not completely recovered yet, but I am ALOT better than I was 4 months ago. I am also noticing with my recovery, that I will have a few really good days, then a patch of bad days, then a longer period of good days, then another patch of bad days (often less than before) and so on. Unfortunately, recover is gradual and you still have to deal with some bad days as well.
Since being diagnosed with OCD I have read up alot about it, and one of the most common symptons is repeitive, intrusive, horrible thoughts, which are 'ego-dystonic', which means the person having them finds them revolting and disgusting, and doesn't want to have these thoughts, and these thoughts are inconsistent with the person they really are.
I'm not suggesting that you have OCD, but you have an illness that is causing similar grief to you as me, so I'm just trying to help you realize that you are not a monster - you are dealing with a horrible illness that, with the appropriate treatment, you should recover from.
Perhaps you may want to let your doctor know that the Cipramil doesn't seem to be helping much and see if they can do anything else for you. There are other meds out there that can help with intrusive thoughts so maybe speak to your doctor about that?
Annie, I am here for you anytime you need to talk or just vent. I know how lonely, isolating and scary it can be going through this, so please don't feel that you can't post on here. I will try to respond to you as soon as possible whenever you post.
Please try to remember that these thoughts are a symptom of an illness, nothing more. I am thinking of you and hoping you find some relief soon. I look forward to the day when we are both 100% completely over this. In the meantime, I am here for you.
Take care Bear24
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Caroline
Full member
mother of 16 months old son, 7 months pregnant
Posts: 102
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Post by Caroline on Aug 20, 2004 19:21:05 GMT
Hi Annie, I just wanted to say that I am one of those women who READ more than contribute to every post. And I do care about what you write and go through! But often I find it hard to find the right words (English not being my native tongue) plus I tend to THINK a lot about posts and then when I want to write something down, some time has passed and the "right" answers or at least the ones I wanted to give myself have already been given. So don't take it as a sign that noone cares, please, if people (me included) don't answer straight away- you see by the times your post has been read that people are (invisibly) there. You aré definetely NOT a monster just a struggling mum with PNI. I can imagine that you feel weird around your daughter but what she probably notices, if at all, (only guesswork, I am NO expert on intrusive thoughts!!!!) is just you being sad or in distress- and believe me if she could tell you in her own words she would probably say something like "Get better soon, but as long as you don't, don't worry too much, I love to be around you anyway and I love it when you're near!". You're doing your best, Annie. I hope you'll find a way out of these thoughts soon (for my own worst phases of depression I can say: They are well behind me and at the time I didn't BELIEVE they would ever go away and leave a confident, stronger Caroline behind) and please don't blame yourself for what you're going through right now,
take care, XXX Caroline
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Post by Annie on Aug 20, 2004 21:02:35 GMT
Thank you to everyone who has replied. It means so much as I am really struggling at the moment. I really want to believe that one day I will look back on this as a terrible period in my life but one that I am completely over. I care for my children so much and I don't want to leave them but sometimes it's hard to go on. Anyway thank you all of you, I dont know sometimes what I would do if I didn't have this site.
Annie x
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Post by Annie on Aug 20, 2004 21:09:26 GMT
Sorry I meant to say.Bear 24 I am on 60mg citalopram at the moment, but the doc is going to change this as soon as she has spoken to my psychiatrist (cos I have been on this for 5 months with not much progress). I am also seeing a psychologist once a week, but I dont know if this is going to help as none of them seem to be specially trained in PNI!
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Post by susie on Aug 20, 2004 21:18:08 GMT
Hi Annie,
I used to feel that I would never be myself again, that I had just become a crap mother who shouted all the time and didnt want to be around my kids, that I would never again WANT to play with, read to, even be with my kids, I thought that they deserved more than me, people kept telling me that I was doing a good job with them, but it felt like a job, I was going through the motions, they were well cared for physically but what upset me about it was how I felt about it all, I didnt know what I wanted but I was so unhappy, where before I had loved being a mother, I was suddenly stuck, I wasnt enjoying it, it was so hard to get through the day sometimes.
I know it seems like you will never get over this, but with the right support you will, go back and speak to your gp again, you need to find the right support to get you through this Annie, in the meantime, please keep posting here, pour your heart out if it helps, i know it helped me, take care
Susie x
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Bear24 not logged on
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Post by Bear24 not logged on on Aug 21, 2004 1:30:49 GMT
Annie
Just a suggestion - perhaps you could ask your GP if there is a Perinatal Psychiatrist she could refer you to? They have alot more understanding of pregnancy/postpartum related issues.
I also went to a Psychologist but I didn't find her helpful because she didn't have much knowledge of PNI. Neither did my GP. However, my Psychiatrist specialises in PNI and this has made a world of difference to my recovery.
Feel free to ask me any questions about my illness and recovery.
Look after yourself and I hope you are feeling better now.
Bear24 xx
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Post by Sarah on Aug 21, 2004 22:13:19 GMT
Annie
I'm so sorry that you are having such a lousy time, as I have said to you before I too have suffered from intrusive thoughts, I too thought I was a bad person, I promise you, you are not on your own. Read my previous responses to you, like I've said I am now on venlafaxine (300 mg) and it is only now after 7 months that I am starting to experience respite from the thoughts. You really need to go back to your Doctor and insist he changes your medication, you are suffering unecessarily and it is not fair. I am sure if you spoke to Debs she would give you any additional advice you need on meds/ads.
Take care Annie, I am thinking of you xxx
Sarah
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Post by Annie on Aug 22, 2004 9:58:14 GMT
Thanks everyone, but this morning I am feeling worse. Hda some bad thoughts. What if I am not ill and this is just the real me?Not sure what is the truth anymore.
Annie
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Bear24 not logged on
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Post by Bear24 not logged on on Aug 22, 2004 11:42:24 GMT
Annie
These thoughts haven't been with you your whole life so they are not the real you. They are part of your illness. The fact that you are so distressed by them shows that they are not your normal thoughts. If they were, you wouldn't be feeling upset by them.
My Psychiatrist told me that about 80% of women with PNI have intrusive thoughts - apparently they are very common but no one seems to talk about them.
When are you seeing your doctor again?
I found that after my last increase of Zoloft (to 200mgs) I had a period of about 10 days where the thoughts were really bad and I was crying, really depressed etc, but then I started feeling better than I ever have. I have heard that this can happen - sometimes the symptoms seem really bad (or worse than ever) but it means the meds are actually working and you are on the road to recovery. This certainly seems the case with me and hopefully that is what is happening to you, but if you don't think you are getting any better please speak to your doctor asap to see what else they can do.
Once you get on the right dosage of meds you should find relief from these thoughts. I have been where you are, have thought I would never get better, couldn't see any way out of the big black hole I was in but I am starting to recover and getting relief from the thoughts and you will too Annie.
Let me know how things go, Bear24 xx
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irene
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by irene on Nov 23, 2006 22:37:00 GMT
Annie,
I read your last reply and wept + wept. I thought it was just me. I have just found this web site today and have got so much comfort that im not alone. I too have intrusive harmfull distressing vile thoughts that i have difficulty trying to "challenge" i am currently feeling like you - is it really PNI or is this the way im going to be from now on have i taken on a new personality. My CPN suggested putting an elastic band around my wrist and twanging it each time i get a bad thought but this is not working very well as i am concious of why im wearing it. If i thought life was going to be like this i wouldnt be able to carry on its like a roller coaster and im so tired of riding now i want to get off. Im 6 months in to my PNI and have recently had a relapse due to the pressure of a house move. My partner is very supportive but i cant discuss my thoughts to great extent because of fear of them becoming reality and his response. I am on Venlafaxine and have in the past taken olanzapine for my thoughts which helped but gave me sedating side effects - i am considering restarting but i am getting some relief just knowing that all of you understand and have been there and im not alone. THIS ILLNESS IS SO UNFAIR
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