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Post by Sarah on Mar 3, 2004 19:30:27 GMT
Thanks Caroline for reassuring me ...
I forgot to say that he said I was Princess Leah (ha, ha, with the dodgy hairdo) and I thought I had problems!! perhaps my husband should try therapy too!! .... like I said I still have my sense of humour, on a good day.
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SarahO
New Member
Hello!
Posts: 7
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Post by SarahO on Mar 4, 2004 12:12:03 GMT
I hate the thughts that you get. they can be so scary cant they? I have terrible dreams as well where I really hurt my baby, and I wake up scared to sleep and scared to touch her. I try so hard to think positively and let the thoughts "wash over" me, but sometimes theyre too vivid and too disturbing to forget about. One dream (which i wont go into) was so vivid and scared me so much that it literally haunts me. Does any one else dream these things?
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Lainey
Full member
First time mum to Rebecca who is 21 months. Suffered PNI for a year and a half - now recovered
Posts: 108
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Post by Lainey on Mar 4, 2004 19:49:24 GMT
Hi SarahO
I had horrible dreams also. Sometimes I woke up crying! When you think about it, your mind must be so exhausted from the day that it is trying to sort out all the emotions at night hence the dreams. That is how I looked at it. When you have PND you cannot relax properly and the one time when you can normally relax and sort out all the days events is when you sleep. But having PND doesn't allow you to do that as you still seem to worry even when you are sleeping.
Try not to let these thoughts and dreams upset you (easier said than done I know) but you are not alone in the way you are feeling and it is all part and parcel of this wicked illness.
Keep posting here Sarah as the comfort you get from the girls stories helps you to realise that everything you are experiencing is due to PND and not a reflection on you whatsoever.
Take care and feel free to email me if you want to chat - elaine.anne@virgin.net.
Best wishes
Love
Elaine xxx
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Post by Sarah on Mar 5, 2004 11:09:52 GMT
Hello Sarah O,
I'm Sarah and originally started 'when do the thoughts go??'.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it too, as you've read I'm going through a difficult time and I can't seem to rely on my mind at all these days (it really does play horrendous tricks on me).
However, I am feeling a bit better today so I thought I'd write to say that I am thinking of you. My daughter is 6 months now and is going through the night, so luckily (don't want to speak too soon), I don't seem to be so bad at night. Once I put her to bed I seem to relax a little bit more and usually I feel that a little bit of the old me reappears. Now I know this is definitely not the case for everyone, including yourself. The only thing I can suggest is to try and do something for yourself in the evening if you are up to it. I know it's easier said then done because PNI does exhaust you but I sometimes find if I do something like going swimming (some form of exercise), visiting a good friend but try and talk about other things if you can, have a bath, read a book (if you can concentrate), or just flick through magazines, get a video out (a good comedy if you're in the mood), basically anything whatsoever to just take your mind off things.
Start treating yourself kindly rather than beating yourself up because you've got this horrendous illness, it really isn't your fault something I am starting to realise, on a good day. I find that if I allow my feelings to take over, I just panic and get worse, where as if I try to distract myself I feel like I am more back in control. All I can say is PNI is a absolute rollercoaster of a ride, full of fears and is emotionally and physically draining. Like I said I am going through it at the moment, two months into, although it feels like two years. I am thinking of you and wishing you and your family all the best.
Write back to me if you need some more support of just a chat, you are definitely not alone, I promise.
Sarah xxx
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Post by LESLEY on Mar 5, 2004 21:57:31 GMT
HI SARAH MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER IS NOW THREE AND SHE WAS EIGHT MONTHS WHEN I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH PNI. THE THOUGHTS WERE THE WORST SYMPTOM OF MY ILLNESS AND WERE EXTREMELY FRIGHTENING.I ALSO THOUGHT I WAS GOING MAD AND THAT I WOULD BE TAKEN AWAY TO A HOSPITAL FOR MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE. TRY TO REMEMBER THEY ARE ONLY THOUGHTS AND NON OF THEM WILL HAPPEN EVEN THOUGH THEY FEEL EXTREMELY REAL AND THAT IT IS THE PNI THAT IS DOING THIS TO YOU.I HAVE BEEN ON MEDS ON AND OF FOR THREE YEARS AND 99% OF THE TIME FEEL ABSOLUTELY FINE AND MY BAD DAYS ARE AROUND MY PERIOD. I FOUND COUNSELLING HELPED ME ALOT AND STILL DOES.BE ASSURED IT WILL GO YOU WILL GET BETTER AND YOU WONT DO ANYTHING IRRATIONAL WHEN YOU HAVE THESE THOUGHT.KEEP YOUR CHIN UP GIRL!
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Post by Lisa Nurse on Mar 6, 2004 18:48:44 GMT
Dearest Sarah, I am wondering what kind of day you are having, hopefully a better one, I was sorry that you never rang on Thursday night. I have been ill with a virus and so has Jessica. We are feeling better today and hopefully we are going to be okay for tomorrow (our ski-ing holiday). I have been rushed off my feet the last day or so but I have thought about you many occasion. Hopefully you will have had a better day today and remember keep talking and talking and please do not be frightened by what people will think as I was amazed that no-one I told was outwardly horrified. I am going to sign off now and I will think about you over the next week. Keep your chin up girl as I keep saying every hour and day is nearer to getting your old self back. As a last thought, I kept meaning to say to you, I said to my hubbie the other day when Jessica Mary is two we will have another baby. Does that make you feel better because you know how severe my pnd was and I am now after only 2 months of getting over it I am thinking about another baby!!!!!! I now look back at the illness and think if I have to go through that again I would do for another baby! Take care chuck and I will ring you when I get back, post me a note with your telephone number on and have a good week next week thought wise and remember you do get better but it just takes a little time Lots of Love Lisa and Jessica Mary xxxxxxxxx ;D
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Post by Sarah on Mar 6, 2004 21:10:10 GMT
Hi Lisa,
Sorry I didn't give you a call on Thursday but I didn't get back until quite late, by then it was too late to phone. Sorry to hear you and Jessica haven't been very well, we have also been fighting off some lurgey. Andy wasn't well last week and then passed it back to Rosie and I. Rosie was still being sick yesterday, Friday, bless her, so I did take her to the doctors, so yes I've been pretty busy too!!, as well as trying to reassure myself that I am not going end up in the nearest mental home (I'm still a bit bothered by my visit to the medium last week, I won't be doing that again in a hurry, I think, I mean I know it's our friend (not), PNI in one of it's many disguises kidding me that I'm losing the plot!!). I was saying to Andy earlier it's weird that I'm the Mum because at the moment I feel like the little girl, not my baby I just seem so fearful of things that usually don't bother me, it's like my whole world has been turned upside down, I'm just glad that we're months away from Halloween because I think it would just freak me out at the moment (how sad is that??). I've just got to get things back into perspective, although my ability to rationalise is not brilliant at the moment.
Oh well, almost another week over and done with (thankfully!), I think this has probably been one of the most difficult yet but yes I've got through it that's the main thing. Anway enough about me.
Thanks for your message, I found it really comforting that you are now at the stage where you can contemplate having another baby, I know I am a long way off from that but it did reassure me, that there is life after PNI.
I am going to sign off now, as these tablets I am taking (the Doctor has doubled the dose) seem to be making me really tired, so I am going to bed (what a lightweight!!!), I remember the Saturday nights when I was partying til the early hours!!, these days I am lucky if I make it past 'Who wants to be a Millionnaire!!'
Have a fab holiday, I'll catch up with you when you return,
Take care and thank you for thinking of us,
Sarah & Rosie xxx
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Lainey
Full member
First time mum to Rebecca who is 21 months. Suffered PNI for a year and a half - now recovered
Posts: 108
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Post by Lainey on Mar 7, 2004 14:33:00 GMT
Hi Sarah
When I read your comments about feeling fearful of the smallest thing it really hit a nerve with me. I too was fearful and frightened of things that I would normally dismiss. I couldn't watch programmes like Casualty or the Bill as if anything nasty happened I would imagine myself in the situation. How scary. You really do believe you are losing control don't you. But believe me Sarah it really does go away. I remember once when I was at my worst, I went Christmas shopping to Bluewater and it was the most horrendous experience. I felt dreadful and so wanted to go home. I don't know if you know Bluewater but it is on three levels and of course we were on the top level and all I kept thinking was I'm going to jump over the balcony in a minute. The more I tried to banish it from my mind, the stronger it became. I then kept thinking what if I push my partner over the balcony! When you think about it though, how could I (all 5'6" of me) push a 6'1" 15 stone bloke over a balcony. The thoughts are so irrational and 'undoable' (new word) but you seriously believe them
The more I read the experiences on this website, the more I know that this was all down to the illness and nothing to do with my sanity one little bit. And you too must believe that although they are horrendous and not nice, they are all down to PND.
I do still get the odd strange thought now and again but whereas before it would grow and grow in my head, now I can dismiss it as quickly as it arrives and it's gone. I think now that we are mothers we are always going to worry and fret about anything to do with our children but unfortunately that is part of being a mum. My mum has four children aged from 34 to 41 and says she worries more about us now than ever!! Bless her.
I'm so glad you have found Lisa, she is a wonderful girl. I have been in contact with her for quite a while now and we have got through this illness together. We were both quite bad thought wise, but are now both seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. So there is proof that you too will be on the road to recovery in no time.
Just remember Sarah you are not alone and we're always here for you.
With best wishes
Love
Elaine xx
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Post by Lisa Nurse on Mar 19, 2004 9:08:00 GMT
Sarah,
I am now back from my holidays. Are you well? give me a call over the weekend, if you have forgotten my number it is 01482 669034.
here's to a good day ! Love Lisa
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Post by Sarah on Mar 19, 2004 23:39:21 GMT
Hi Lisa
It was really good to see your message, hope you had a fab holiday?
I'm fine, although the last week has been a bit up and down (as I know you can relate to).
It's quite late, as I have just finished watching 'Love Actually', a bit of a feel good film (something that I'm all in favour of). I have to be really careful what I'm watching these days, as you know, do you know when I first got PNI Andy and I went to the cinema on a Saturday night (I think there were about 10 films showing) and the only one I could watch was Peter Pan, even that frightened me when Captain Hook came on the scene!!!!
Anyway as I was saying, it is quite late, so I'll keep this brief. I'll try to catch up with you this weekend, although we've got quite a busy weekend ahead. So, to be honest I probably won't be able to give you a bell until next week. I'm not sure when you're working so I'll give you a call and see if you're about.
Hope you are all okay and once again thanks for thinking of me.
Bye for now & take care
love
Sarah & Rosie Mae x
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Lainey
Full member
First time mum to Rebecca who is 21 months. Suffered PNI for a year and a half - now recovered
Posts: 108
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Post by Lainey on Mar 20, 2004 22:21:39 GMT
Hi Sarah
I can so relate to what you say about being careful as to what you watch. I had a terrible time with TV as I wanted the tv on as company, but was worried as to what might come on. Can you believe I even found the Simpsons disturbing sometimes, especially the Halloween ones. Isn't PND a bizzare illness?
I too watched Love Actually last night, but fell asleep right at the beginning so think I am going to watch it tonight.
Best wishes
Love
Elaine xx
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